Sunday, March 09, 2008

...

I am down today, and pissed off. I just feel like I am being this crappy mother all because I am trying to be a good mother and instead of being that I am short tempered and have no patience. All the while I am so painfully aware of how lucky I am to have him and of how utterly amazing he is as a being. He puts up with so much from me and usually always with a kiss and a telling me how much he loves me and then I go and yell at him for such stupid shit all because I am so devastated I cannot give him a sibling. This just fucking sucks so badly and I just want out of this limbo hell, but I cannot not give him family and siblings. I was disowned. I know how awful the pain is of having no family there and wanting it so badly. I will not be around forever and I want him to have family he grows up with knowing unconditional from and with. And in the meantime I am shit for all and a bitch to the most amazing being I have ever met.

ARGH this is just so damn fucking hard.

9 om's.:

Michell said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I had something to say other than hang in there. I'm thinking of you though and hoping this gets easier soon.

Neenie/PawsNY said...

He has unconditional love for you- just as you do for him. So if he cries or gets cranky because of something you say remember that it is temporary...he knows mommy is hurting or sad sometimes and he feels the same way too. Don't fear depriving him of anything...you have given him life silly :) How do you beat that?

Jess said...

Please give yourself a break and be kinder to yourself! You deserve the kindness as much as Bliss does! Big hugs to you. I hope things go your way very very soon.

calliope said...

sending you much, much love.

xoxoxoxo

Sara said...

I'm so sorry this is so hard.

Mrs. Bluemont said...

I'm so sorry love. I think you are such a wonderful mother. I wish you much peace and comfort. oxox

Jen said...

I have no good words. I can only offer you much love and peace going forward.

more BEANS please said...

Thinking of you and sending my love. You are a wonderful mother...don't forget all the great things you do for Bliss and the lovely moments you share. I am sorry that you have been landed so much to handle.

nancy said...

This post of yours has been rollng around my head since you wrote it. It made me feel like I was looking in a mirror, as I've had the exact EXACT feelings with my own children. I've been so edgy and so snappy and so, well, not perfect during this ttc rollercoaster. I hate it and it's so unfair to them. But, they love me as Bliss loves you. You are everything to him and there's nothing that can change that.