Friday, March 21, 2008

mourning...

I don't really know where to start so bear with me.
I was reflecting on Bri's pain being especially acute this year on the anniversary of her mothers passing on March 17. This being her child's first year it stands to reason it would bring up a lot. I also remembered that Rosie O'Donnell's mother passed on her birthday which is also March 17. I was overcome with grief and began to cry in earnest. I started to ask myself why.

The thing is, my mother is very much alive in good health as far as I know. But I have not seen nor spoken to her in over 10 years. I was disowned when my father found out I was gay, my mother already knew. I have the only grandchild. I send pictures etc. I have even gotten an e-card twice that said nothing personal but was sent. Calls are not tolerated. I speak with my aunt, her sister, but even that is hard for me at times because all the the family has accepted it or chosen to ignore it in some way. I could never, ever do this to my child.

I was raised in a very abusive household. I doubt I would see my father even if he wanted to as a result. But my mother, it is so complicated. She abused too, she allowed a ton of abuse, bigotry, racism, and other atrocities to go on in our home. She was complicit. As I get older, as I parent longer I excuse less. I forgive less I guess. I see her more clearly in a way I suppose.

But the thing is, the kicker, is that I am left in a perpetual state of mourning someone who is there. It is so difficult for me. It guts me when Bliss asks why he can't see his grandma. It kills me when I cannot show my son pictures of me growing up. It kills me that I have lost my mother, even though she is there, and it never gets closure.

I imagine it feels somewhat similar, some fraction of the continuous pain Bri and Rosie must feel.

It hurts.

8 om's.:

Neenie/PawsNY said...

Bliss I hurt so much for you too and I can't comfort you in any way other than telling you that you are 110% right. You have lost your mother and your family and you have been treated terribly for a label that does not change who you are as a person. Sometimes people are so close minded and I'm sure you have been faced with that but when it comes from your own family or your own parents, its unforgivable. There should always be an unconditional love for your children- as you have with Bliss. It is her loss that she is not sharing in that with you as her daughter and especially her beautiful grandbaby. She is missing out on so much. I wish i can call her and scream at her for you but that won't patch up the past. I hope th efuture can be patched up especially for Bliss' sake. He is the epitomy of innocence and just wants a family and you as a mother, should be able to give that to him. Being gay is irrelevant. But if you've learned something its to be EXTRA PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE and let Bliss be so proud of how strong his mommy is. In an ironic way- it has made you a stronger woman and made you more determined to show your children how proud you are to be YOU.
Sending you Easter hugs and just plain old everyday hugs always :)

The Town Criers said...

I think that sums up an estranged relationships perfectly--constantly mourning someone who is still there. I'm just so sorry that you were left in this state.

R and J said...

I'm so sorry. I could not even imagine that. I also think that this relationship is what helped you become the mom you are to your son and your desire to have a second child. It seems you are a wonderful mom and thank God that you didn't take after her in that regards. i wish I could give you a big hug!!

Mrs. Bluemont said...

The word "bereave" means "to have something taken from you." When in bereavement, we grieve all losses. It is completely understandable, and even more wrenching I think, to mourn a relationship and a past that was taken from you. I'm so sorry you are having to experience this all culminated. I think you are so strong. ox

Michell said...

I so know what you mean about mourning someone who is still there but not a part of your life. I hardly speak to my mom either and it seems like when I'm going through a rough patch I crave her attention even more. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Solitaire said...

I would think that mourning someone who is still there but estranged would be, in many ways, harder than mourning someone who has passed on. There is the whole pain of disappointment and anger at that person's complicity or abuse, and then ongoing pain that that person doesn't reach out to apologize or try to make the relationship better. That's got to be harder I'd think. Mourning my mother gets easier each year as time passes since her death - even though it's taken a long time, at least it does get easier. I'm very sorry you're hurting. No child should have to feel that pain, and no mother should have to look at their child and wonder how their own parent(s) could have destroyed that bond of love and trust.

Neenie/PawsNY said...

*my apologies I typed Bliss when I meant to say Bleu as my first word on my comment

tobacco brunette said...

I think this describes beautifully and heartbreakingly how it feels to have an important relationship abruptly stolen from you. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this on top of everything else, though I'd imagine these emotions come up for you often when you're facing a difficult period. It's so unfair.

It's sad what your mother and family are missing out on. I hope you're doing something nice for yourself and Bliss this weekend - you both deserve it.