Tuesday, August 05, 2008

chugging along...

I am feeling much better physically. The intestinal whatever it was is over thank goodness.

I am feeling really emotional. It is likely the buildup of progesterone and estrogen in my body I know.

The tears have started flowing already. Some of them over real deep rooted emotions and fears, some of them over ridiculous things like DirecTV no longer having Tivo DVR's.

This morning I was reading a blog and the person was describing a moment of sadness and pain and I lost it. It was as if I was experiencing it, my gut ached so deeply.

I am still debating when I will start testing. Part of me thinks Friday which is 8-8-8 will be a good time to start. It will be 6dp5dt. I am not sure though.

I have also received more positive wishes and more "I think this is it" comments than ever before. Part of me is thrilled and part of me is like "shhhhhhhh, people, knock it off!! It scares me to be honest. And let me clarify, these are not just from the blog world. My clinic has said more along those lines than they ever have, EVER! I have gotten lil emails and well wishes. It is wonderfully touching but makes me just a tiny bit terrified.

I have to remind myself, no amount of thinking "maybe" or thinking "no way" is going to change how I feel should things go either good or bad. The whole notion of "steeling" one's self for anything in the pregnancy realm is pretty much a moot point. I learned with the last 2 m/c's that it was way easier to just enjoy things while they were good because it didn't change the feelings when things went bad. But that said it can really be easier to say it than do it.

So I am here, in my lil cocoon world, getting from one day to the next, hoping like hell and trying not to freak out. Well not too much.

17 om's.:

Momma Mikki said...

We are rooting for you...

Steph said...

At our clinic our embryologist is a woman of few words - however on our 3rd IVF (the one that worked) she said to us "this time it's going to work". And sure enough it did - we have Bennett and Kate to show for that. If your clinic is positive that's an awesome thing! Not that our clinic was ever negative about our previous cycles, quite the contrary, Carey always had great looking embryos but there was something different about that third cycle. And since you used some of the same meds that we used, I'm taking complete credit and I just know it's going to work. hehe - don't you just love my logic. Besides, your embryos were the best looking embryos that I have ever seen. As for when to test - 8/8/8 sounds great! We are so rooting for you!

Sonya said...

I am sending calm energy your way. I understand.

Patricia said...

The one thing I keep coming back to more and more in my years of cycling is the importance of living in the moment.

Right now, my moment includes being on the pill, waiting for a cyst to disappear. It sucks. And yet it is what it is.

Your moment is ramped up to the max. Hormones, hope, wonder, oh, and did we mention hormones? I know it's idiotic to say. I know it before I even type it. But I hope you can find at least moments of peace during this wait. Because as you said, trying to play the whole reverse psychology doesn't work anyway.

May you know joy today.

Amber said...

You sound like you are in a really good place. I'm thrilled with how great this IVF has gone for you. I;m hoping it continues along this path.

tobacco brunette said...

I can't tell you how much you've been on my mind and how much I'm hoping this is it and the pee test - whenever you decide to take it - gives you reason to celebrate.

Thinking of and rooting for you guys.

XOXOXOX

Eva said...

Good luck with the testing question. I never test early because I find it too nerve racking, but I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

annacyclopedia said...

Just thinking of you and wishing you all good things as you chug along...

Tosha said...

Wishing that 8-8-08 brings you a BFP.

nancy said...

I'm an emotional mess right now too. And I have no idea ~why~. I should be used to any heightened hormones. Bah. I hate acting like this. Like a constant lump is in my throat.

I'm waiting patiently for you to start testing. But can wait until whenever that time will be best for you. I'm no longer able to determine the whens of testing, since I got a bfn on 10dp3dt and a bfp on 11dp3dt. Insanity.

calliope said...

so glad you are feeling better.
I vote for friday testing as well!!

thinking of you and your hatching brood!!
xo

Catherine said...

Bleu, I know it is hard. It is hard not to have magical thinking, I would think good wishes would help and sometimes they would jinx. The wait is just a crazy emotional time, the only thing I could do is ignore it, or at least try. Thinking of you!

Lisa said...

Bleu, you are totally justified with getting emotional over not having Tivo. That would bring anyone to tears!!!!!!!!!! Good luck this cycle. I'm rooting for you.

K said...

OK, how about if I just say that I really, really, really HOPE this is it? ;-)

I think 8/8/08 is a great day to start testing (I got my BFP at 6dp5dt) but you have to do everything you can not to give up if your second line isn't there yet. There are soooo many women who have BFPs that wait a little longer to show up. No reason at all that you can't be one of them. Big hugs to you, my friend!

dakota said...

Yes, living in the moment--in the here and now--is definitely a challenge. Someone show me the part of this stuff that isn't emotional and doesn't require our courage and humor through the dramatic and mundane and I'll show you an uncapped needle, an unused medicine bottle, and an unopened pint of ice cream at midnight.

If you chose today 08/08/08, sending you love...if you choose another day, sending you love and waiting with you too...

dakota said...

oops typo in my last comment but you know what I meant. :)

holly said...

Thank yo for your kind words on my post.

The decision to test is always so hard. Sometimes it's almost nicer not knowing. I always think so at least.