Tuesday, August 26, 2008

sigh...

I am having a hard time today.

I feel like I cannot tell if I am feeling pregnant in my uterus or feeling the mass lump in my abdomen from the heparin shots. It may sound silly but it has caused a lot of crying today.

Pee sticks don't tell squat, sure they get darker but an empty sac can still have a rising hcg level.

I feel like I don't have the nose sensitivity anymore and the heartburn is barely there.

I feel so afraid of yet another loss. This is my fifth pregnancy and I have one child, I have lost 5 children (one twin pregnancy loss) and all have been lost after heartbeats which means an early u/s will not really give me much peace..

I need to go in at 7w1d and see normal growth (hopefully) and have that be a little relief and then have two more weeks of normal growth u/s's to finally give me some peace.

I feel like I still have so far to go before I can truly begin to be excited or happy and yet I am trying so hard to be right now in the moment and happy.

I have no idea how I am going to get through the next 7 days without being a big crying mess.

I want this soooo badly, so so so so badly.

27 om's.:

holly said...

I'm right there with you! We're strong we can do this. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. No harm in crying.

I'm doing so well with the cheering up tactics. I just wanted to let you know that I'm pulling for you.

Holly
www.livejournal.com/~mcstarling

MrsSpock said...

Hang in there! I can't tell you not to worry, but know the internet at large is sending good hope-filled vibes...

Cece said...

We want it for you so badly too, sweetie! Hugs!

Sara said...

I can only imagine your anxiety. I'm thinking of you: hoping that the next 7 days fly by, ending with good news that brings you peace.

Deb said...

Sending you calming thoughts and symptom kickin vibes. Take care of you!

K said...

Aww, hon. I can't even imagine how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other right now but still, you are doing it. Please remember how many of us there are out here, pulling for you and sending heaps of love and positive energy your way.

nancy said...

I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

More Beans Please said...

Hang in there honey. I don't know what to say other than when ever I am completely lost - I find baking or making a cake good therapy. And I tell myself that I must stay completely focused on the ingredients and nothing else. I try and find three things to describe each ingredient, eg "now I will be putting in the sugar which is like golden, grainy sand!". After the cake is in the oven I tell myself repeatedly that I will be celebrating my feelings of peace and joy once the cake is made. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't - either way I have a cake at the end of it. Silly I know - ahhh the things we cling to!!!

calliope said...

you are not alone. Make some room on the sofa because we are ALL going to wait and count down to the good news with you. Don't make me forward you all the wonderfully optimistic and hopeful e-mails you sent me last week!!
xoxo

annacyclopedia said...

You go ahead and be a big crying mess, honey. We'll be here, holding your hand, smoothing your hair, passing you hankies. It is so hard to want something so badly, isn't it? The wanting is so painful.

Peeveme said...

I have only had one loss and if I were in those early weeks of pregnancy I'd be terrified. I completely understand how you are feeling. I am powerless to help other than to say I understand. I thinks it's a normal reaction to all you have been through.

I think staying busy/distraction is a good thing. Movies, short trips, anything that will take you out of your head.

Are you breathing? Keep breathing.

Neenie/PawsNY said...

You will get through the next 7 days. You can totally be a crying mess- you have every right to feel nervous and scared. You have a LOT of people holding your hand Bleu and a LOT of people want this for you. And I think you'll have so much positive energy from all of us and from Bliss and from within yourself that this will happen for you and this will be the best end result ever. I know it doesn't mean much but I am so nervous for you too- but nervous in a giddy and excited way. I am counting down these 7 days with you and sending you prayers. This WILL happen for you.
Tell Bliss to give you as many kisses as there are days left. "I hereby give you 7 kisses" Then 6, thrn 5, etc. That little pumpkin is good luck and the most intense, genuine, innocent energy you could ask for :)

Ms Heathen said...

Just sitting quietly with you, Bleu, wishing and hoping that the next week passes quickly and that the ultrasound brings good news.

Kymberli said...

You're allowed to be a crying tearbucket if your fear threatens to overflow. Sometimes it's easier to go with it than it is to fight it. We're abiding with you ... I want this so, so bad for you, too.

sapphic_mac said...

I've been following your story for so long now. I feel like we're living parallel lives. I too have been pregnant 5 times and only have one child. Like you, my m/c have come after great beta numbers and strong heartbeats. I am now 7 weeks pg, and I have my first u/s today, and believe me, I share this incredible anxiety that you're experiencing. I know that even a good u/s today isn't a guarantee. Please know that I am thinking of you and feeling your experience more than you know. One day at a time...before you know it, your u/s will be here. Best of luck to you, and may we both finally get out of this dreaded first trimester!

RM said...

Gosh, its like you I are in the same worrying agony, just 4 weeks apart. Thank you for you kind words. I hope this happens for both of us!! Wouldn't it be nice for something to happen right-- just once?!!

Sonya said...

I am very hopeful for you. Thinking of you.

R said...

Thinking of you and sending youhugs and lots of positive energy my friend...

dakota said...

Oh Bleu considering everything how else could you feel? Even a crying mess can be the picture of courage and desire. So let the river flow. And I'm with Caliope and the others who care for you on this. We are here on the couch with you-- with gluten-free vegetable soup and maybe some peach pie and hummus too. Counting down to the joy of your hopes manifested.
Feeling for you.
Sending you and sweet Bliss hugs and love.

Erin said...

thinking of you.

Billy said...

5 days to go.
If only we could skip into the future and be at that ultrasound, and then skip again to the 7w1d point.
Hope you don't have many bad days.

mulberry said...

move over, i wanna sit on the couch too!

i say, embrace the small moments of happiness when they come and embrace with tenderness all your heart has been through that makes it hard and scary to be in this moment.

we will be with you for the remaining days till the next u/s and the next.

thanks for the love you sent dakota and i on her blog, and the asthma advice too!! i'll get this thing licked yet.

-- mulberry

Megan said...

I've just tuned in to your blog and am already hooked. What a wonderful although I understand stressful time to join your journey. I will be thinking of you and sending both you and your ADORABLE bliss tons of positive sticky vibes for the little one(s) you're growing!!!!

Catherine said...

I want this for you too! I am hopinh next week brings good news!

tobacco brunette said...

I'm right there with you. When you told me that you knew your doc would give you another beta if you asked, but that you weren't going to ask because it would just make you crazier, I was simulataneously impressed by your knowledge of self and your restraint while being selfishly exasperated for my impatient self, thinking, "I can't wait until September, Bleu!"

Ahhh...but now we're getting there, aren't we? And - wow - you have lots of people hoping for normal growth and the peace (I at first typed "peach" instead of peace, which gives me a great idea - how about having some of the peach ice cream you love so much to pass the time) and happiness you deserve.

Much love!!!

Kristin

vee said...

((((Bleu))))
I used to work in pubs when I was younger and I remember a mantra we all used to repeat to ourselves on those awful, busy nights with horrible customers and a seemingly neverending list of things that needed doing - ELEVEN O'CLOCK ALWAYS COMES. Eleven was closing time and no matter how bad the night got, eleven always came.

Hang in there. Eleven o'clock will come.

The Fonaholics said...

Oh god, when is your u/s Mon or Tuesday... i'm in angsty town with you!!!!