downer days...

Yesterday was really hard. I had a very rough day. I felt like my boobs had deflated some and were barely tender. I felt like I had either gotten used to the tight band across my abdomen or it had almost disappeared. My head was really loud with the negative stuff. It pretty much sucked.

The good news is I didn't have any anxiety attacks with the pounding heart and choking breaths. I have had that before in early pregnancy and I am very happy it didn't happen yesterday.

I read and re-read the posts to myself and the comments from others. I gave myself pep-talks and tried to really use logic and rationality to talk myself through it (I am so left brain and it usually helps) and I pretty much moped around all day. It was what I had to do I guess.

I knew I wanted to write my doc an email. I have not spoken with him since the call about my positive HPT actually and have been trying to go as long as possible before writing him. I was sort of saving the email as a sort of last trick to pull out of my sleeve. I know he will write back and use his own logic and rationality to make me feel better. I didn't want to use my special tricks up too soon, I still have 12 days until my u/s.

Well by the end of the day I decided to give myself a little extra progesterone as my body historically drops progesterone from week 5 to week 6 and I know that can affect the boobs. So I gave some extra earlier than usual as well and then I sat down and wrote the doc.

At about 9pm I started getting crampy which is a good thing. I didn't expect to hear back from doc until much later, he does his correspondence very late at night, I know this from history. By 10pm the cramping was pretty heavy, to the point where I had to lay down. I was at once elated and scared. I would say 75%/25% respectively. By 10:30 I decided to go to bed knowing I would wake up to a response from doc.

I slept pretty well and by morning the cramps had eased up to a dull ache. I have not had any spotting or even a tinge, but that is pretty usual for me. Waking up to the cramps almost gone made me even more excited though, and my lower abdomen, well I can feel it a bunch this morning.

As I expected there was an amazing letter waiting for me when I woke up. It was filled with humor, caring, support, and strength. I am so fortunate to have him as my doctor and as I knew it would it put my mind at ease. There are no guarantees no matter how much we wish there was. I am in the best place to be right now and am truly happy about it, sparklingly happy (I hope everyone enjoys my word there). I also had my POAS day today which was another nice comfort. It has once again darkened and made me smile.

So I am just trudging along from one moment to the next. I know there is only one way and that is to walk through. It is just harder some days than others. I am pretty ok and on real downer days I do what I need to get through it.