Thursday, August 21, 2008

downer days...

Yesterday was really hard. I had a very rough day. I felt like my boobs had deflated some and were barely tender. I felt like I had either gotten used to the tight band across my abdomen or it had almost disappeared. My head was really loud with the negative stuff. It pretty much sucked.

The good news is I didn't have any anxiety attacks with the pounding heart and choking breaths. I have had that before in early pregnancy and I am very happy it didn't happen yesterday.

I read and re-read the posts to myself and the comments from others. I gave myself pep-talks and tried to really use logic and rationality to talk myself through it (I am so left brain and it usually helps) and I pretty much moped around all day. It was what I had to do I guess.

I knew I wanted to write my doc an email. I have not spoken with him since the call about my positive HPT actually and have been trying to go as long as possible before writing him. I was sort of saving the email as a sort of last trick to pull out of my sleeve. I know he will write back and use his own logic and rationality to make me feel better. I didn't want to use my special tricks up too soon, I still have 12 days until my u/s.

Well by the end of the day I decided to give myself a little extra progesterone as my body historically drops progesterone from week 5 to week 6 and I know that can affect the boobs. So I gave some extra earlier than usual as well and then I sat down and wrote the doc.

At about 9pm I started getting crampy which is a good thing. I didn't expect to hear back from doc until much later, he does his correspondence very late at night, I know this from history. By 10pm the cramping was pretty heavy, to the point where I had to lay down. I was at once elated and scared. I would say 75%/25% respectively. By 10:30 I decided to go to bed knowing I would wake up to a response from doc.

I slept pretty well and by morning the cramps had eased up to a dull ache. I have not had any spotting or even a tinge, but that is pretty usual for me. Waking up to the cramps almost gone made me even more excited though, and my lower abdomen, well I can feel it a bunch this morning.

As I expected there was an amazing letter waiting for me when I woke up. It was filled with humor, caring, support, and strength. I am so fortunate to have him as my doctor and as I knew it would it put my mind at ease. There are no guarantees no matter how much we wish there was. I am in the best place to be right now and am truly happy about it, sparklingly happy (I hope everyone enjoys my word there). I also had my POAS day today which was another nice comfort. It has once again darkened and made me smile.

So I am just trudging along from one moment to the next. I know there is only one way and that is to walk through. It is just harder some days than others. I am pretty ok and on real downer days I do what I need to get through it.

22 om's.:

annacyclopedia said...

I'm here with you, Bleu, listening and abiding with you through the downer days and the happy days, and any other kind of day there is. Glad your doctor is a good support for you and you are taking good care of your heart and mind, as well as your body. Big hugs.

Catherine said...

sorry, yesterday was so rough. The waiting and not knowing what is going on in there is hard. Glad your spirits have lifted and you are feeling some good symptoms.

MrsSpock said...

The waiting and not knowing is torture, isn't it? I'm sending good growing vibes to your little bean...

Jess said...

I remember waking up in the middle of the night around 5 weeks and realizing my boobs didn't hurt AT ALL for the first time in weeks. I resigned myself to just "waiting to bleed." Even though I ws totally 'SURE' things had gone badly, they hadn't. My mom keeps telling me to be like the animals, who may not even know they are pregnant...they just go on with their lives and don't worry about things like less sore, deflated boobs. So here's hoping you can think like a beautiful mama horse or a calm, serene cow very soon. ;) Sending you tons of love and big deep breaths.

nancy said...

Can you possibly just get a "in the meantime" u/s to calm your fears? My OB totally gave me one just to ensure the pregnancy was in the right spot. That was all I needed to get through.

R said...

I think that's awesome that you are able to take care of the downer days and make it through. That is so important. You remind me we can get through it..

Mermaid said...

I'm thinking of you as you make it through the down days. I'm glad you're doing better today.

Melody said...

It is SO hard-- these couple of weeks between the beta and the ultrasound. Not that you need it at all, but you have my full permission to have tough days. I am so impressed by your ability to pull yourself through it with positive self-talk and by seeking the support you need.

Patricia said...

Wow. I can't fathom having a doctor like that, but I'm awfully glad you have him.

Peace to you.

LJ said...

Take baby steps...no pun intended, but quite true in this instance. You're doing GREAT.

halfadozen said...

I know how hard each and every day of waiting is, how hard it is to give yourself up to the universe, to try and determine the outcome of the future where its impossible.

But you can do it. From everything I have read in your blog (I am pretty much "caught up") you are a remarkable and incrediblly strong person. Not to mention, and oh-so pregnant one!!

Hugs from here...

tobacco brunette said...

Oh the waiting. The fucking waiting. It's the worst and I wish I could do something to make it go by faster for you.

I hope today is/was a better day for you.

XOXOX

battynurse said...

Hang in there. I'm sorry yesterday was bad, and here you listened to me whine. I hope today is better and tomorrow even better yet.

Sam said...

I think I would take a board thingy and place the pee sticks, printed emails/comments/etc and place it all on it. Gathering all the goodness in once place for you to relax at and think upon for a while.

Kymberli said...

There with you in thought and positivity. Sparklingly there for you. :)

holly said...

I'm sorry you had such a rough day.

Sonya said...

Thinking of you.

dakota said...

So sorry you had a tough day. The cramping, the thinking that you've had a reduction of the bra-bursting feeling--tough. I feel for you and am happy you made it through a downer day and can still report an underlying sparklingly happy you. And even if you've lost a little luster for the moment, what an effervescently enjoyable word indeed! (Uh oh I think I've dangled one too many a modifier.)
Many many hugs to you...

Ms Heathen said...

I'm sorry that you had such a tough day. I understand what you say about feeling elated and scared at the same time - I too am finding this wait a particularly difficult one.

I'm glad you have such a supportive doctor, and hope that the time between now and your ultrasound passes quickly.

Sara said...

I'm so glad you got through yesterday, and that your doc was the wonderful support he so often is.

my cowgirl alter-ego said...

I'm still lurking here and wishing you well. I so remember all of those feelings and hate how they robbed of the time I was actually pregnant. I wish peace would come with the bfp. Darker is wonderful and amazing. Hang in there, and know that love is coming from all sorts of places.

RM said...

I am feeling you on the downer days, and how hard it is to trudge through when you're scared. Each time I get pregnant, I realize I have just stepped through a doorway where TTC was hard, and now keeping my pregnant mind calm is even harder. I'm here with you!

Also, in one of your last posts you mentioned a black and blue belly from your heparin. I'm on Lovenox, and had horrible bruising until I stopped taking my fish oil tablets. The bruising disappeared! Have just been eating more fish to get the omega3s. Not sure if that applies to you, but thought it may help. :)