my politics...

I am catching up with the DNC and I wrote this post the other night. I have hesitated on posting it because I do not write much in depth about my personal politics on this blog. I feel passionately about this but it is still difficult to post here. I have decided I cannot NOT post it so here it is.



I just watched Michelle Obama's speech. In tears of course. And the thing I kept being struck with was how she still believed in the United States of America.

First off I will say I do like Obama, a lot, I have always been his supporter for this election, from before he even declared he was running. I think he is the best chance for this country for sure. I will be casting my vote this November for him. But here is the thing, this country, I do not believe in it any more. And I do not say this lightly. I say this with sad pain and tears.

I say this knowing that many many of my fellow countrymen do not believe I am an equal citizen. Obama does not even believe I am an equal citizen worth equal rights under the law. I say this knowing that many of my fellow countrymen believe it is ok to bomb other countries for possessing the exact weapons of mass destruction we have in abundance, and ok to bomb countries with lies saying they have such weapons even though it is only for the oil they rightfully own.

I say this knowing that greed, machismo, selfishness, and violence are lauded here while feeling, and helping those less fortunate or who have had less opportunities is considered weak. I say this knowing that education is not a priority, that even supplying enough books to classrooms takes a back seat to building new sports arena's and padding local politicians pockets.

I say it looking at how we became this country, at how we treated this land and those who inhabited it long before we did and how we still treat those people today. I say it knowing how we treat the land still and how we tell ourselves we are the center of the universe from our little sheltered bubble of ignorance and intolerance.

I grew up extremely patriotic. The 4th of July was our biggest holiday in our home and becoming old enough to vote was equal to getting to drive. But it was a rhetoric kind of patriotism that our current president lives for and my pathetically racist, homophobic, intolerant father preached from birth to disownment.

I woke up, finally, and spent many years working for just causes trying hard to cleanse my karma for my sadly brainwashed childhood and early adulthood. I grew wiser and more aware and had hope for change and gave my time and energy to help create that change.

But then I had a child, a male child, and everything changed. I became so acutely aware how much less of a person I was considered here. I became acutely aware how much of a real possibility that there would be more war mongering idiots in positions of power and making my son serve in a war in the future.

I didn't want to raise my kid where his mother was viewed as less than from the get to. I didn't want to raise my son where he could be forced to kill innocent people for profit. I didn't want to raise him where all the things I was repulsed by the most were considered virtues.

And I lost faith in this country. So I did the work and have got the immigration papers and very soon will leave this country. But it hurts, and it is sad and it is not always easy.

better ..

I am doing better today. yesterday and today I woke up from having very strange dreams which made me feel much better.

Yesterdays dream included being at my clinic at 7am and being told I was supposed to be there the night before at 7pm. I said no one had called and I had this time written down and they said no no no but the transfer will wait but we will still do your hearing test????? The waiting room was packed (never happens at my clinic) and some random lady told me I had to wait until after them because I only had to pay $65??? Can you say random? I loved it, it was reassuring.

Then today I awoke from having a dream I was in a grocery store in New Jersey discussing pregnancy of multiples and parenting beliefs with Bon Jovi. His wife was there in line and apparently I knew her and had been around for her pregnancy with twins. I was currently pregnant with twins in that dream. So, another very random dream. I do not usually remember dreams except when pregnant so it felt good.

I want to thank everyone so much for all the kind words and the amazing energy pouring in from all over. It really does help. Hearing each of you tell me you are here and will sit here with me and hold my hand through this.....well I start crying every time I hear it. It just means so much. I have spent a large portion of my life without many there for me and this means so very much, so thank you, each of you, from the bottom of my very emotional heart.

Roomie got a freak day off today and we are getting ridiculously expensive pizza and planning on watching Nim's Island. It should be good times. It will be over 105 degrees here today so staying inside sounds like the best bet. I cannot wait for fall. Only 25 more days and 12 more hours until Autumn is upon us, I have been counting down.


CLARIFICATION: I do not even listen to Bon Jovi, at all, although I will admit there were a few times when younger when I rocked to "Dead or alive."

sigh...

I am having a hard time today.

I feel like I cannot tell if I am feeling pregnant in my uterus or feeling the mass lump in my abdomen from the heparin shots. It may sound silly but it has caused a lot of crying today.

Pee sticks don't tell squat, sure they get darker but an empty sac can still have a rising hcg level.

I feel like I don't have the nose sensitivity anymore and the heartburn is barely there.

I feel so afraid of yet another loss. This is my fifth pregnancy and I have one child, I have lost 5 children (one twin pregnancy loss) and all have been lost after heartbeats which means an early u/s will not really give me much peace..

I need to go in at 7w1d and see normal growth (hopefully) and have that be a little relief and then have two more weeks of normal growth u/s's to finally give me some peace.

I feel like I still have so far to go before I can truly begin to be excited or happy and yet I am trying so hard to be right now in the moment and happy.

I have no idea how I am going to get through the next 7 days without being a big crying mess.

I want this soooo badly, so so so so badly.

please...

Every time Bliss kisses me these days, which as always is often, he has a new thing he does. He says something like "Mama I hereby give you five kisses" and then proceeds to give me 5 kisses, then he gives me another kiss and says "and one more kiss for the babies to grow."

Please let there be healthy growing babies or baby in there next week.

Today is 6 weeks exactly (23dp5dt), one week from tomorrow is the u/s.

downer days...

Yesterday was really hard. I had a very rough day. I felt like my boobs had deflated some and were barely tender. I felt like I had either gotten used to the tight band across my abdomen or it had almost disappeared. My head was really loud with the negative stuff. It pretty much sucked.

The good news is I didn't have any anxiety attacks with the pounding heart and choking breaths. I have had that before in early pregnancy and I am very happy it didn't happen yesterday.

I read and re-read the posts to myself and the comments from others. I gave myself pep-talks and tried to really use logic and rationality to talk myself through it (I am so left brain and it usually helps) and I pretty much moped around all day. It was what I had to do I guess.

I knew I wanted to write my doc an email. I have not spoken with him since the call about my positive HPT actually and have been trying to go as long as possible before writing him. I was sort of saving the email as a sort of last trick to pull out of my sleeve. I know he will write back and use his own logic and rationality to make me feel better. I didn't want to use my special tricks up too soon, I still have 12 days until my u/s.

Well by the end of the day I decided to give myself a little extra progesterone as my body historically drops progesterone from week 5 to week 6 and I know that can affect the boobs. So I gave some extra earlier than usual as well and then I sat down and wrote the doc.

At about 9pm I started getting crampy which is a good thing. I didn't expect to hear back from doc until much later, he does his correspondence very late at night, I know this from history. By 10pm the cramping was pretty heavy, to the point where I had to lay down. I was at once elated and scared. I would say 75%/25% respectively. By 10:30 I decided to go to bed knowing I would wake up to a response from doc.

I slept pretty well and by morning the cramps had eased up to a dull ache. I have not had any spotting or even a tinge, but that is pretty usual for me. Waking up to the cramps almost gone made me even more excited though, and my lower abdomen, well I can feel it a bunch this morning.

As I expected there was an amazing letter waiting for me when I woke up. It was filled with humor, caring, support, and strength. I am so fortunate to have him as my doctor and as I knew it would it put my mind at ease. There are no guarantees no matter how much we wish there was. I am in the best place to be right now and am truly happy about it, sparklingly happy (I hope everyone enjoys my word there). I also had my POAS day today which was another nice comfort. It has once again darkened and made me smile.

So I am just trudging along from one moment to the next. I know there is only one way and that is to walk through. It is just harder some days than others. I am pretty ok and on real downer days I do what I need to get through it.

what's up...

I am doing pretty well

I took Nancy's advice and bought a bunch of cheap HPT's and have been POAS every two days. Watching them get darker and darker has helped a lot.

I still have heartburn, and am happy about it.

My nose has eased up some to my dismay but it comes and goes.

Tell me trolling YouTube for sad movie scenes is normal? I just watched scenes from the Notebook and cried my eyes out. I am such a dork.

The list in my previous post helps a lot, alone with the wonderful continuing support from all of you.

I am still surprised how happy I am to be on Heparin, my belly is absolutely black and still I am so happy about it.

I have two weeks now until the u/s.

I reserve the right to add to this list.

telling myself...

your numbers last time grew two babies to heartbeat stage, even if they measured a little small, they grew that far, so these numbers, an even better start, can too

more tests mean more stress

no amount of worry will change anything or help in any way if this goes south

the u/s is scheduled for a time when it will be very clear, heartbeats will/should be present and growth will/should be on dates, doing one earlier leaves room for uncertainties which add stress

you are pregnant right now, it is exactly where you have wanted to be forever, so enjoy this time

you have more symptoms than you have had since Bliss

you are on heparin

you are taking every precaution with meds

your progesterone is really good right now

you have amazing women sending so much great energy from all over the world

there is no place you would rather be, you are pregnant, remember that

you can ask for a week 7, week 8, and week 9 u/s

breathe

stay in the now as much as possible for you

love yourself

ivf #3 11dp5dt (second beta)...

It is 166.

The doc says it is a great perfect doubling and not to worry.

Ha.

I am in tears because I have been stressed waiting all day.

I feel like I want it higher but maybe nothing would make me satisfied.

He does not want to do any other beta's. He says it is good.

I am scheduled for my first u/s on Sept. 2 at 9am.

I am a wreck and wish I wasn't.

edited to add: I should add that my doc not asking for more beta's is his way of causing me LESS stress. Last pregnancy (you can go back to Jan 08) I had a third because the second was a little low. the third was good but then I had a fourth which was a little low and then a fifth which was also a little low. Needless to say all of the beta's did nothing but stress me out more and more. Nothing really matters after a doubling except for an u/s anyways. So my doc is likely wanting to get me to stress less by this. I looked back in my blog to that time and all the beta's really did make me crazier than need be. I am doing everything possible to keep this pregnancy going well, and I am going to try my best to enjoy these next 19 days being pregnant, because I am, pregnant. I am terrified, and want this so bad it is nearly killing me emotionally, but all I can do is find ways to get from one day to the next over and over and ope that my u/s will show one or two babies measuring right on for dates, because that is what I need to happen.

ivf #3 9dp5dt (beta day)...

So apparently the lab had problems with the courier service this morning and even thought I had the blood draw at 7:45am and it was a STAT order, the courier didn't pick it up until 10:15am. So here I sit still waiting for my beta results. In the meantime enjoy the lovely morning sticks. I really do like the ones that say "pregnant" so much, when they say it that is.

Will update hopefully soon.

OK I just got the call. It is 86. The doc is very happy, he even called me personally. I was wishing over 100 but he said it was exactly in range for what they usually see. So now on to Wed. and beta #2.

The doc also let me start Heparin. I am trying to just make sure all my bases are covered and I am happy he has said yes to it just for extra peace of mind.

ivf #3 8dp5dt...

When I woke up this morning I took the $ Tree test first. I cannot begin to explain how frustrating it was, it was sooo faint and for a minute I thought it would be blank. Then I got out the FRER regular and the FRER Gold Digital and now I feel MUCH better. I also think I drank too much water before bed because my urine seemed so diluted.

I will save the EPT digital for tomorrow morning before my beta.

I will also admit I slept with my test from yesterday, under my pillow hand grasping it on and off all night. I know, I am a dork.

I have been so moved by all the support and amazing responses. Yesterday I could not really even talk. I paged my doc after the FRER yesterday and he was so happy. He went over sensitivity numbers with me like any of you would and we talked about how this is a great thing and the first of many hurdles for me. I am choosing to be happy and try and just enjoy this. This is the 5th time I have been pregnant. I have some symptoms that make me feel really good and I am hopeful (although hope is really a lil pain in the ass sometimes) about this pregnancy. I doubt I will be throwing up a ticker but I will be happy and allow a grin and feel very very grateful. I am still like three weeks away from an u/s so I just have to get through the next few beta's and hope for good strong numbers that double nice and fast.

And lastly I will leave you with Bliss and telling him last night. I took this right after he found out.

the afternoon...

It is all the same test just a lot of pictures.

ivf #3 7dp5dt...

I POAS and it was negative.

And just for those who curse themselves for being silly and reading into stuff and think it is because you are still relatively new at this. I have had heartburn the past 24 hours (only ever had when pregnant), I am smelling stuff too much and it all smells yuck, I woke this morning from vivid unpleasant dreams, my uterus feels "full" but yes, it is negative. I am so proud to admit I even did the flashlight shining on it in hopes I could magically make some faint line appear. Yes, this is after 19 tries that I am still this pathetic (I know not really I am venting here) and I still want to believe. Is all hope gone? Of course not, but to be honest hope is not something I am very fond of at this moment.

Also, for those who wonder, I do better testing before Beta, even though it makes me very sad and hurt when I have waited for Beta and it has been negative I have been much worse off. This way at least prepares me for the negative.

ivf #3 6dp5dt...

How many times do I have to type this?

I POAS and it was negative.

So sick of seeing these words.

Yes I know it can be early.

That doesn't really help how I feel right now.


edited to add: I know I got a negative at this time with my twins pregnancy and I know it could very well still go my way, it just sucks because of the desire to have it be some dark definitive line already and somehow make me feel more positive about my chances.

chugging along...

I am feeling much better physically. The intestinal whatever it was is over thank goodness.

I am feeling really emotional. It is likely the buildup of progesterone and estrogen in my body I know.

The tears have started flowing already. Some of them over real deep rooted emotions and fears, some of them over ridiculous things like DirecTV no longer having Tivo DVR's.

This morning I was reading a blog and the person was describing a moment of sadness and pain and I lost it. It was as if I was experiencing it, my gut ached so deeply.

I am still debating when I will start testing. Part of me thinks Friday which is 8-8-8 will be a good time to start. It will be 6dp5dt. I am not sure though.

I have also received more positive wishes and more "I think this is it" comments than ever before. Part of me is thrilled and part of me is like "shhhhhhhh, people, knock it off!! It scares me to be honest. And let me clarify, these are not just from the blog world. My clinic has said more along those lines than they ever have, EVER! I have gotten lil emails and well wishes. It is wonderfully touching but makes me just a tiny bit terrified.

I have to remind myself, no amount of thinking "maybe" or thinking "no way" is going to change how I feel should things go either good or bad. The whole notion of "steeling" one's self for anything in the pregnancy realm is pretty much a moot point. I learned with the last 2 m/c's that it was way easier to just enjoy things while they were good because it didn't change the feelings when things went bad. But that said it can really be easier to say it than do it.

So I am here, in my lil cocoon world, getting from one day to the next, hoping like hell and trying not to freak out. Well not too much.

the next day... (updated)

I woke up today not feeling good. I am extremely queasy and not sure why. I thought it was gas or bowel related but it is not. After going to the bathroom totally normal I felt worse not better. I am bloated and my throat feels tight even though I am breathing fine. I have a call in to the doc but it is really strange and hard to know if it is related to IVF or something else. As the hours have gone by I have felt worse more than better but it does seem to come and go a tiny bit.

As for the embryo's they were able to freeze 3. I wish it were more but I am glad I have three. I also hope to not need them and have some nice embryo's settling in for the long haul as I type.

Back to reclining, more later.

UPDATE (for Catherine): Doc and I both do not think it is anything like OHSS but there is some intestinal distress happening, perhaps due to the Metformin, it can be wonky one day and fine the next. I had some Reglan and doc had me take one. I also had lunch and a nap and Bliss said "hey mama your tummy isn't as big" so the bloat is down a little and I am starting to feel better.

ivf #3 embryo transfer...

This one was way hatched.

Both of these hatching too.

I am home and resting. All went really good and it was actually very moving today.

All 9 were still in the running with 2 lagging behind at 10 cell stage.

They transferred 3 that were all hatching and said they looked so good they didn't want to transfer more for fear of higher order multiples. this was a bit surprising considering my track record but they all sat and we discussed things (doc and both embryologists) for almost 15 minutes beforehand and I saw their point.

Bliss was there and amazing as usual. He melts my heart and holds my hand while he watched the screen as they do it.

They were all so involved and invested emotionally as well, it was really, really moving today. Afterwards everyone in the office today stood around while I got the magic wands (yes two) waved over my belly and to my cheeks, then I got my "Princess Bleu" tiara and each of them (5 were there) hugged me and said sweet things. I was crying by the time I left.

There is a bit of fear/pressure with how great the embryo's were this time but I am going to just try and remain positive.

Will post more later and thank you to every one of you for such amazing energy, I really REALLY feel it.

The little star I watch for when they hit the plunger.