11w0d...

I AM PREGNANT!!!

I am sure this sounds strange to hear at 11 weeks but it is how I feel.



I had the ultrasound today and all was well.


The baby was moving even with arms and legs.


I graduated from my clinic as well and everyone gathered around with lots and lots of hugs and a gift bag with 2 adorable onesies and 2 sets of infant hand covers, a teething necklace, a wrist rattle, a baby bottle (Bliss was given that to his delight) and a pretty baby development chart to fill in throughout the pregnancy. They were all so wonderful.


I feel like maybe I can start breathing now. Next week is the end of the first trimester and I also get to stop most the drugs I am on which I am hoping will help make me feel lots better.


Thanks so much for all the support from each and every one of you. Having people who "get it" makes such a huge difference.

ranting...

I have been having a hard time this week.
It is not the worry so much.
I have been feeling like crap pretty much all week.
I have not thrown up, even once so far.
I just feel queasy and sick.
The best way to describe it is as if I am carsick, all the time.
Not enough to throw up, just enough to feel really gross and not be able to function very well.
I even get that ball in my throat like I am about to but it never happens.
I sat crying the other night trying to decide if I should make myself throw up or not.
I have always hated throwing up, but the worst part for me is always the part before, where you feel it coming and fight it and are not sure it will happen.
I feel like I am permanently in that space.
I eat the wrong thing and it is multiplied by 100.
I eat the right thing but 2 bites too much and the same thing.
Then one night it is not so bad, but the heartburn comes in it's place.
And the sad thing is when I wake up, first thing in the morning, I usually have a short time of feeling great.
And I worry every time when I feel good.
Such a fucking catch-22 and so irritating.

But here is the thing.

I worked so hard, and so long to get here.
I have been wishing, praying, begging, meditation, hoping to be here for years and years and year.
Finally I am here and I just feel crappy and miserable.
And I don't want to.
And then I think about the possibility of something going wrong and having to work for who knows how long to get pregnant again, to feel like shit again.
It has seriously messed with my head.

Just another thing that makes me feel cheated.

I am honestly ok for the most part.
I just need to vent this out because I have felt like censoring myself about this.
That whole don't bitch thing.
And that is just not me, and when I hold ANYTHING in it is never a good thing.

So that's my rant.

autumn...

Tomorrow is the last day of summer and the first day of fall. The Autumnal Equinox happens here in California at about 3:22 tomorrow afternoon. I am very excited about this as I have been ready for fall since about June. This was our last summer in California and it was not too too hot but I have just really been ready for cooler weather.

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. I love making fall foods and I love anything harvest oriented. My favorite colors are fall colors, and I am so looking forward to some rain, any rain. I cannot even remember the last time we had any rain.

Tomorrow is also 10 weeks. I do not have any u/s scheduled until next week so I am trying to just keep breathing and staying positive and calm and get through. Tomorrow also marks another 2ww. I started one last week for the next u/s which is now a week away but tomorrow is the start of the 2ww until the end of the first trimester. I am focusing on getting to the u/s first though as that is all I really can deal with.

I am feeling appropriately crappy and good. I am going to post a picture of my best friend now, thanks to Mrs. Spock.



Lemons have saved my life. It is so sad too because at present in my local grocery store they are 89 cents a piece. But worth every penny. I am once again able to chug water so long as it has lemon in it. It has made me feel MUCH better for sure.

I am still having severe bloating problems starting in the afternoon. I am trying to really limit bread right now. I starting making bread this past two weeks for the first time ever, thanks again to inspiration from Mrs. Spock and Melissa, and quickly found it was adding immensely to the bloating so that is on hold until I can get off this damn Metformin.

I am in good spirits though and am taking Bliss to Bouncetown tomorrow, followed by a trip to the store to get Rice Krispy Treats ingredients as he asked if we could make them and I am more than happy to. I doubt I will have any but I am just loving cooking with him. I also made beef stew this past week. I just could not wait for cool weather and autumn to be here. It was sooo yummy. I am so ready to have rain and make the years first batch of Butternut Squash soup too.

So I am ok, just chugging along and trying not to think too much and trying to make it to a place where I feel some real hope and joy. I do think I am edging closer.

the next day...

I have had no spotting or even tinging today.

I am very happy and feel much better about that.

I have felt pretty crappy all day but I am also happy with that.

I feel like I do better in the mornings than the evenings but today it was kind of all day and after eating which sucked.

I am also having fluid issues. I have always loved water, it is honestly my favorite thing to drink of all time. I adore water. I have been drinking huge ice cold glasses of it all day long, at least a gallon a day, sometimes closer to 2. Suddenly a few days ago I could not drink water. I made some bubbly water with my soda maker and that was ok and I have been drinking that. Then that was icky yesterday. I tried lemonade but that was only good for about 2 sips. Milk had been great for me especially in mornings and evenings but that has suddenly been not ok because of the burps and making me sick when I burp milk. I made some iced decaf coffee and that was good for a bit, but not something I want more than a rarity. I drink the bubbly and small cups of plain throughout the day because I refuse not to drink water while pregnant but it is not very good.

I miss water, plain cold water. I want to be able to down 20 ounces in a sip. I know it will come back, and to be honest any symptom is a welcome one, but I still miss water.

9w1d... (updated)

I am having spotting.

It was light pink late yesterday. I assumed it was from the wanding.
It is a bit more today, brownish red now.


UPDATE:

It hasn't gotten worse. Mostly it seems gone or a light tinge. Doc says he thinks it really is the wanding because it was so hard to get a good view. He also gave me things to watch out for.
I am not totally freaking out or anything but I certainly wish I was not having this either.

I am taking it easy and trying to just be calm.

Thanks so much for all the support.

9w0d...

I just got back from my u/s. I was really freaked out the past 2 days so I couldn't even look. He found the hear beat right away and told me so I could relax but my heart rate was ridiculous.

The baby is measuring 8w6d which I am fine with. He had a hard time getting a good view again so I am more than OK with the measurement. The heart rate was 196 which has me a little freaked out but he said he wasn't worried. he said between my high heart rate and adrenaline it was likely cause and effect. He also said he only ever saw problems with low heart rates not high ones. I am still a little worried but my heart rate was way over 100.

Oh I almost forgot, I also asked if the baby should be moving. he said at this stage they usually move every 20 minutes or so, and then we saw it move. It moved again a few minutes later. The doc was really pleased with that and said it was a great sign that we got to see it move. It did this lil wiggle.

He also said that I could come back in 2 weeks for another u/s and if all was well THEN I would graduate. He knows me so well. I was so not ready to graduate today.

I am not sure how I will get through the next two weeks, but I will try. In the meantime he is allowing me to get a progesterone check and a thrombophilia panel. he wants me to stop the heparin after the first trimester but I want the panel to check things first. I have not been tested before so it will make me feel better. If something comes up I can always stay on it throughout the pregnancy.

After the next u/s it will only be a week until the second trimester which makes me happy. He also said Oct. 5 I could stop the Vivelle patches, the Metformin, and the PIO. Truthfully I am most looking forward to stopping the Metformin. I get awful bloating on it.

I still hate that I get no joy from the first trimester, I hate how RPL steals that from you. I need to come to terms with it but it is so hard.

proud mama... (updated)

I just had a super proud mama moment. Bliss and I were watching an old Tom and Jerry (I am still on the fence on many of these) and it was one where Jerry and Nibbles were Musketeers. Anyhow at the end Jerry puts Nibbles over his knee and spanks him and Bliss asked "why is Jerry raising and lowering his hand like that?" I said he was spanking Nibbles and it wasn't nice and before I could say any more he asked "what is spanking?" I first gave him a big kiss and then I explained it was not nice and it was hitting.

I very rarely went a day of my childhood without being spanked and often they turned into full out beatings. Especially if I didn't cry and cower enough for their liking. I am so very proud my child does not even know what spanking is, it makes me cry but the tears are happy tears because he is growing up unaware of something that was so very damaging to my psyche and soul and caused me so much pain emotionally for so many many years and so much self hate for so long.

I am just so proud my almost 6 year old does not know the meaning of that word in any way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like I need to add. Never spanking my child has never been hard for me. The idea of striking my child is horrendous and unfathomable to me in every way. Breaking the cycle of abuse was much more about stopping abusing myself as I had been than of not abusing my child. I am just so happy he doesn't even know the meaning of the word, that beyond never experiencing it first hand, he has never experienced it second or third hand either.

8w0d...

GOOD NEWS!!!!!

The docs wife came in just to see me for this u/s and everyone gathered. They were doing retrievals today so I had to wait an hour which NEVER happens there.

Doc was wanting good news as much as I was I swear. He saw the heartbeat right away and the embryo was much easier to get a good view of than last time.

He took a measurement and it was 8w1d!!!!!!!!! That is 9 days growth in 6 days!!!!! I was over the freaking moon!!! I had them go get Bliss who was playing in the truck with roomie and he came in and was overwhelmed too, he was so happy. He got to hear the heart beat too. The heart beat was 176 up from 131 last week. Doc said this is perfect for week 8 and it will go down a little week 9 and 10. Let me know if you know of that too because it is my only niggle of paranoia.

He took pics of the embryo and of the heart beating for me and everyone was outside the room to give big hugs after.

FINALLY some good news. Everyone was so pulling for us, for this.

I go back next Monday for another u/s but this is the furthest I have gotten besides Bliss with a pregnancy. All m/c's the embryo stopped growing in the 6th and 7th week so this is a huge relief.

I feel like I can breathe some for the first time in literally years. I am still a bit tentative but oh so much more relieved.

My nose continues to drive me crazy and my tummy feels yucky much of the second half of the day which I am thrilled about.

I will very shortly have not even one item of clothing that fits and all of it, I am thrilled.

Now I just need to work of more breathing, letting it sink in, and trying to remain calm and positive. I also need a nap.

cookies...

When I was pregnant with Bliss I was turned off of sweets pretty quickly into it. Chocolate especially but almost all sweets were a big turn off. If I tried a bite it was too rich, too sweet and tasted icky. Sometimes caramel was ok but rarely.

This pregnancy has been like that lately too. I can have a small amount of peach ice cream if it is with fresh peaches or nectarines to cut the sweetness. I can have a lil caramel capp ice cream, or even sometimes a decaf iced caramel macchiato, but I can only drink a little then I save it for the next day.

Bliss and I made chocolate chip cookies last week. I make em small and they last quite a while, and he loves them as does roomie and me normally. I had two the day we made them and none since. They are almost gone and Bliss can have 2 or 3 after lunch or dinner. They are about the size of a silver dollar. Anyhow today I gave him some with lunch and he ate two over a long time. One after lunch and one he saved for much later.

Well, can I please explain the quease the smell of these is causing me (yes I created that word). My son kisses me a lot, I kiss him a lot. Today at one point I was getting up to go pee and he asked for 189 kisses and I obliged, of course, before I could go. We are a kissy pair for sure. But, every time I kissed him after he ate the cookie I gagged.

I got him strawberries and orange and mini rice cakes for a late afternoon snack and still could smell the faint scent of the cookies.I told him about it and said he might have to eat them away from me tomorrow or the next day. He laughed and said ok. But oh my gosh, I came really close to tossing my cookies today.

Yay me. I will take that symptom and cheer!!!

two lost hours and the littlest pea...

Today is better.
Thanks so much for all the support, for all the understanding and validation.
As always, it really helps.
It is amazing the power of "being heard" has on one's psyche, on healing.

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So now I want to take a moment to discuss 2 hours of my life I will never get back.

I have pretty much outlined what new shows I am interested in checking out this fall season. Thanks to Cali's great post with links to a great guide I went through it all and made my pics. I have been adding shows as they become available to my Tivo schedule (btw I ended up fixing my broken Tivo because that new system was so crap).

So I have my list and then J over at Cheese and Whine, who I happen to ADORE, writes the most random post. I am not sure why it struck me so, but it was truly the last thing I EVER expected to read from her. And so I thought to myself, maybe there is something to this new show. I mean surely if J loved it there must be SOMETHING to the new 90210. So I taped it and last night I sat down to watch it after Bliss was fast asleep.

And here is the thing. Was it awful? No, I wouldn't say that. Did I used to watch the original show? Yup, sure did. Was it interesting to see some old faces? Yes it was. Was it cast well? It seems to be.

But I am just not sure I am up for pseudo high school shows anymore. I say pseudo because it is so fantasy and the actors are so beyond that age just like they were in the original series. But I am either too old now or too much a fuddy duddy, I just cannot see wasting an hour weekly to watch people be cruel and vapid and shallow and mean. Especially not people portraying kids.

So it is 2 hours I won't get back. I hold J personally responsible but the whole time I was chuckling. Late last night roomie came into my room and asked what the heck I was watching. I told her how J had raved about it and shocked the hell out of me with her raving so now I was forced to watch it and she just laughed. I think I got a bigger kick out of watching it for that reason more than anything else.

So thanks J.

anger... (updated at bottom)

I am angry now
angry that it just can't go easy
that is can't just be some fucking good news
angry that I don't get to enjoy this beginning time being pregnant
for someone whose only wish is to have another child I finally achieve pregnancy after tons of time anguish and money and all I get is worry and fear
sure I do my best and get from day to day staying in the now being positive and all that crap
but crap is what it is
I am pissed off
why can't this just happen
why can't this just go smoothly
why can't I not fear another loss, another broken heart another devastation
I am pissed off at being short changed
I am pissed off at being cheated
and now I feel like I am pulling back, pulling away from the connection I have had to my uterus
because of fucking fear
because I can't help it even when I consciously work to not do that
because it hurts
because this is all to fucking familiar in the worst possible way
and when I went into the clinic today the front desk woman, who I adore btw, asked me how I was
I said I was terrified and she asked why
she fucking asked me why??????????????????????
I calmly explained while my insides screamed at her to wake the fuck up
5 pregnancies 1 child all made it past heartbeats heard
hello????
and I know it isn't her I am pissed at but I want someone to be pissed at
and for once I want to not be pissed at me
because Bliss deserves to have his parent not hating herself right now, or ever, and I worked hard to let all that crap go before I had him
so I want to be pissed at someone or something
and then the anger and all the frustration just turn to tears
as usual
and I am back to sad

UPDATED TO ADD: How nice to realize this is my 300th post.

7w1d...

I wish I had fantastic new to report. As it stands I have more waiting, as usual.

The u/s started after some tears and the doc had a heck of a time seeing well, apparently my uterus is tipped at the moment. He said he saw a heartbeat but he took a preliminary measurement of 6w4d which would be pretty much no chance considering I am 7w1d.

He then tried doing abdominal u/s which was no more clear. I ran and peed again and came back and he got a little better view. this time he got a 6w6d measurement that he felt better about. It is still 2 days behind however. Last pregnancy, with the twins, was measuring 3 days behind and then they were gone.

We did get a heart rate this time which was 131 which is good. I am not, however, feeling joyful or excited. I have had so many pregnancies that this has happened, none of them have turned out well. I know this can very much be fine, but it could also not be. There is no comfort yet beyond the mere gratitude of being pregnant.

I will also be honest and admit that there only being one is a bit heartbreaking in and of itself. Selfish likely, but how i feel.

I go back next Monday for another u/s and we shall know more then.

He did a lot of analyzing the last time and saying he thought the yolk sac and gestational sac looked better this time but he also was aware there was just not going to be any sense of relief today.

So I wait, again.

I appreciate so much all of your support, I wish so badly I could give more hopeful news. I am pretty down right now but trying to be ok. Bliss is trying to but he is worried as well. It is hard when you have a child so aware, but as he says, "if the baby stops growing we just have to try again."

early morning...

I have really done so well until now. Now I am about 30 minutes from leaving for the u/s and my heart rate is climbing upwards. I am trying to breathe, oh my gosh I am trying to breathe, but it is so hard.

First thing out of Bliss's mouth after our good morning ritual was "when do we leave."

It is so hard to will yourself to be calm in moments like this.

So I am breathing and sipping cold water and trying to calm myself to no avail.

I will write as soon as I get home.

30dp5dt...

Today is 7 weeks exactly.
Tomorrow is the ultrasound.
I am all over the place on how I feel.
I am terrified.
I am nervous.
I even have some hope which probably what makes me the most scared.
A little part of me feels this could be it and that terrifies me.
I am trying to remain calm and just go about my day.
I am trying to be in this moment and not think about it.
I am all over the place, truly.
I wish I could sleep the day away and wake up and have it be tomorrow.
I am holding each and every one of your hands right now, squeezing them way too hard.
Sorry about that.
Thanks though.