Thursday, September 25, 2008

ranting...

I have been having a hard time this week.
It is not the worry so much.
I have been feeling like crap pretty much all week.
I have not thrown up, even once so far.
I just feel queasy and sick.
The best way to describe it is as if I am carsick, all the time.
Not enough to throw up, just enough to feel really gross and not be able to function very well.
I even get that ball in my throat like I am about to but it never happens.
I sat crying the other night trying to decide if I should make myself throw up or not.
I have always hated throwing up, but the worst part for me is always the part before, where you feel it coming and fight it and are not sure it will happen.
I feel like I am permanently in that space.
I eat the wrong thing and it is multiplied by 100.
I eat the right thing but 2 bites too much and the same thing.
Then one night it is not so bad, but the heartburn comes in it's place.
And the sad thing is when I wake up, first thing in the morning, I usually have a short time of feeling great.
And I worry every time when I feel good.
Such a fucking catch-22 and so irritating.

But here is the thing.

I worked so hard, and so long to get here.
I have been wishing, praying, begging, meditation, hoping to be here for years and years and year.
Finally I am here and I just feel crappy and miserable.
And I don't want to.
And then I think about the possibility of something going wrong and having to work for who knows how long to get pregnant again, to feel like shit again.
It has seriously messed with my head.

Just another thing that makes me feel cheated.

I am honestly ok for the most part.
I just need to vent this out because I have felt like censoring myself about this.
That whole don't bitch thing.
And that is just not me, and when I hold ANYTHING in it is never a good thing.

So that's my rant.

23 om's.:

MrsSpock said...

You have the right to kvetch about feeling crappy and miserable BECAUSE you worked so hard to get here.

Pukiness is one of the worst feelings of all...

Peeveme said...

Blue, I totally get it. I had the same type of m/s where I would not vomit but wished I could just for the relief. I felt like I was hung-over all day and night.

I also "get it" about being mad/regretful/guilty about not enjoying it 100% I feel like I wished my first pregnancy away. I regret that I didn't to enjoy it more but how could I being so sick. Being so worried.

I just am trying to give up on the notion that I will ever have a clam, happy pregnancy that I can enjoy and relax about. I will never enjoy TTC. I wont be able to enjoy those first few months of pregnancy. I will never be that hallmark commercial. I will have to fight every inch of the way. No coasting.

It;s just not easy for some of us. I think it has made me a better mother and a better person. I know that is not much of a consolation right now when you are either so sick you can't lift up your head or not physically sick at all so you are worried "sick".

I found 1/2 U.nisom at night took the edge off my sickness (plus I slept really well). I understand that many women don't feel comfortable taking anything during pregnancy.

mulberry said...

thank you for joining the cranky/ranty club! i was afraid i was all alone ;)

just cause you want to be/are thrilled to be/have waited and tried for a billion years to be pregnant doesn't mean that part of it doesn't SUCK!

i mean really, who is delighted to feel like they are gonna hurl every minute? i mean you might feel relieved cause it means you are pregnant, but happy about it? i think not!

xo mulberry

annacyclopedia said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten. It sounds really dreadful - I hate feeling nauseous, too.

Don't know if you've ever tried this, but there's a homeopathic remedy called nux vomica, and I find it really helps when I'm feeling pukey. My naturopath recommended homeopathic remedies for me while trying to conceive as they are safe during pregnancy as well. I haven't looked up that particular one, but most homeopathics are very safe.

I understand your feelings of being cheated out of enjoying this pregnancy, and I'm here listening. Always.

Billy said...

|hugs|
Just because you worked hard for this pregnancy doesn't mean you can't complain! Feeling like you want to vomit but not really vomiting sounds like a crap feeling. At least if you vomit you get it over with. I hope the better days will come soon when you end this first trimester. In the meanwhile, vent as much as you need, we are all ears here for you!

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I just want to remind you that you worked so hard to get pregnant and have a child, you didn't work so hard to feel like crap. Meaning, the crappiness is a part of it, BUT you don't need to feel grateful for it. It would sort of be like singing the praises for filling out insurance paper work when you worked so hard to become a doctor. It's part of the experience, but you don't need to feel badly ranting because...morning sickness SUCKS.

RM said...

I totally feel you on this one... I described it to my husband like being severely hung over 24/7. Not a feeling *anyone* could be envious of. And I'm glad you vented about it, because I think there is a stigma in this IF blogging world of ours that once you're pregnant, you shouldn't complain or have any misgivings lest it offend someone else who is not yet pregnant. Well in my mind, you are fortunate to be where you are, but that fact won't make you puke any less!

Hope you're on an upswing soon. The second trimester is just around the corner... :)

vee said...

Rant away honey! You longed for a pregnancy and a baby, not a 24hr hangover without the fun of getting sloshed! I loathe and detest feeling or being sick - getting morning sickness was something that scared me almost more than the idea of having to squeeze something that big out of my vagina. I'm so grateful to have dodged that bullet. I really feel for you. xxx

Jess said...

I may as well have written this post about 2-3 months ago. I understand the absolute misery. And the worry that if it didn't work out I would have to go through this all again. And the not feeling entitled (?) to bitch about it because I knew I was so lucky to be pregnant. For me it was very hard to enjoy the pregnancy until recently when I started feeling better. You WILL feel better and there will be plenty of time to enjoy it. Until then, you just have to get through it the best way you can...and I KNOW that it is hard...believe me. Enjoy the short time in the morning when you don't feel rotten (I had the exact same time schedule!). Find things that don't make you feel AS sick. Keep ranting....don't hold that inside (wish I had ranted more).

Another thought...maybe you are having a girl, like me!!

Thinking of you lots and sending strength and positive energy your way. You WILL get through this rough stuff. You are doing great!! xoxoxo

More Beans Please said...

oh honey - rant away. Ranting won't curse you. It won't. You can rant and still want the best. You can hate feeling sick and still be happy about being pregnant. You can be grateful and scared and sad and angry all at once, and you still will be ok. You are such a great mamma.

Lynn Cameron said...

You don't sound bitchy, you just sound pregnant. Sometimes it's just hard, so please don't feel bad for being honest. Hope you have some support around you and that things ease up soon.

R said...

Ranting is so healthy.... get it out!! :)

battynurse said...

Rant away. I know you are appreciative of being pregnant and just because someone complains of the symptoms (of which there are a lot) that come along with pregnancy doesn't mean they don't appreciate all it took to get to that place. You've earned the right to complain or rant or whatever.

Sam said...

I wanted this pregnancy so badly, I've waited a decade to get here. And yet I still feel like crap, dammit. I understand the pukey feeling, the eating just a bite too much and OH CRAP feeling. It sucks. It is getting much better for me, but it hasn't been easy. Vent if you need to, it is better than keeping it inside and having your little one feel it. I'll be here to listen.

tobacco brunette said...

I feel your pain. I had the same type of morning sickness and it lasted all of the first and most of the second trimester and has recently come back to relive old times.

You shoudl feel totally comfortable ranting in your blog. It's YOUR blog - do what you want. Plus, you usually have so many upbeat posts that I say rant away!

lady in waiting said...

OMG you are pregnant! YAY!!! Congrats to you. I am so thrilled. Sorry about your m/s, mine was awful too. I bet you are having a girl :) Best of luck! xoxo.

Kymberli said...

I personally think that IFers have MORE of a right to bitch about pregnancy symptoms once they get pregnant. Seriously - fertiles get to complain about every pregnancy symptom without being perceived as ungrateful, so why shouldn't we? You've earned the right to whine. Any IFer whining because of morning sickness or swollen ankles or any other pregnancy symptom is music to my ears. Better to have symptoms to whine over than negatives to cry over, kwim? Still - I wish you were feeling better, but not at the expense of worrying that everything wasn't still going well. Hugs, my friend.

meanmama said...

Delurking to say that I felt horrible beyond horrible with my first pregnancy until 9 weeks when I finally started vomiting. I still felt bad throughout my whole pregnancy, but at least there was a short period of relief after each time I vomited. And then in my second pregnancy, I vomited from the beginning and felt LUCKY because I didn't have the lone nausea I did the first time. All to say that the nausea is truly AWFUL. It can be much worse than puking. I remember crying on the bathroom floor, wondering how I would get through it, even though I was so thankful to be pregnant. So you have every right to complain, because it totally sucks. As you know, it's a normal part of pregnancy for some of us lucky gals. Normal but still sucky. Hugs to you!

www.enoughgrows.wordpress.com said...

I vomited and felt sick for most of both my pregnancies. in fact i usually describe pregnant as feeling like walking up a hill while being hangover, having gastro and a UTI (urinary tract infection-is it called that in the U.S as well??) all at the same time.

Now i am not pregnant I find myself saying 'i am so glad not to be pregnant, i just feel so good!" then i feel awful for the 12 months i was desperate to feel crap and pregnant...and i don't know if I will ever be pregnant again but I am scared I will jinx it if i am not grateful even for the crapiness!

it is a hard place to be, but as someone else said you have worked hard to be pregnant, not to feel crap.

sorry this is yuck for you, hoping you can find remedies for all the awful symptoms.

Topcat said...

You, lovely Bleu, hereby have full permission to un-censor yourself as much as possible on your blog.

The truth shall set you free, for ever and always.

And ... the first trimester is a total mind-f*ck freakout!

Hope you are feeling a little better. xoxox

Fat Chick said...

ewwwww. Jeez, I concur that pukiness is the worst feeling. I'm not even preggers yet and I've laid in bed crying because I can't decide whether or not to vomit or just sit there miserable. I guess you could say that I'd prefer mange over the flu. Having said that, are you really moving to a farm? Its my dream to own a fiber farm... and when I say its my dream, what I mean to say is that its my FIVE YEAR PLAN and I'm saving money for it now.

Jess said...

I've been thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better. I moved from an every-day-bad-feeling to on-and-off-badness around 13 weeks (where are you now?) so I'm hoping you will turn a corner soon. Hang in there!! :)

Joy said...

I feel pukey lots of days still, at 21 weeks. It gets me down sometimes. But when it goes away, I worry. So there isn't a good wonderful well-adjusted way to handle it. We just get through.