Tuesday, September 02, 2008

anger... (updated at bottom)

I am angry now
angry that it just can't go easy
that is can't just be some fucking good news
angry that I don't get to enjoy this beginning time being pregnant
for someone whose only wish is to have another child I finally achieve pregnancy after tons of time anguish and money and all I get is worry and fear
sure I do my best and get from day to day staying in the now being positive and all that crap
but crap is what it is
I am pissed off
why can't this just happen
why can't this just go smoothly
why can't I not fear another loss, another broken heart another devastation
I am pissed off at being short changed
I am pissed off at being cheated
and now I feel like I am pulling back, pulling away from the connection I have had to my uterus
because of fucking fear
because I can't help it even when I consciously work to not do that
because it hurts
because this is all to fucking familiar in the worst possible way
and when I went into the clinic today the front desk woman, who I adore btw, asked me how I was
I said I was terrified and she asked why
she fucking asked me why??????????????????????
I calmly explained while my insides screamed at her to wake the fuck up
5 pregnancies 1 child all made it past heartbeats heard
hello????
and I know it isn't her I am pissed at but I want someone to be pissed at
and for once I want to not be pissed at me
because Bliss deserves to have his parent not hating herself right now, or ever, and I worked hard to let all that crap go before I had him
so I want to be pissed at someone or something
and then the anger and all the frustration just turn to tears
as usual
and I am back to sad

UPDATED TO ADD: How nice to realize this is my 300th post.

30 om's.:

LJ said...

I have no words of comfort...but I hear you. And it isn't fair to be robbed of something that should be so joyous. My heart is with you and Bliss.

holly said...

I wish I had some magic words for you. I really do. It's not fair and it really fucking sucks.

nycphoenix said...

I am helpless and the only thing i can say is that I continue to pray for you.

annacyclopedia said...

I know this hurts, sweetie, but you don't have to try not to feel it. You are strong enough to feel it all and to let it go when it's time to let it go. All this anger is exactly the right thing to feel. You have been cheated, and you are in real pain, and you are working so very hard not to let it take over and to stay connected, and present, and loving. You are succeeding at all that, too, despite the fear and the anger and the sadness.

But I still hope it all passes soon and leaves peace in its wake. I'm keeping you in my heart.

SmartOne said...

Holding your hand and abiding with you, Bleu. Anger, frustration, fear, and sadness are all allowed. Sometimes it is easier to go with it than to fight it, and there is NOTHING to feel bad about for being swept away in it.

dakota said...

Bleu I am so sorry this is so difficult--so filled with unknowns. My heart was racing as I read your words. Of course you are angry and afraid. I truly wish the collective love we are sending you could make everything as it should be and give you the comfort of your dreams realized.

All I can say is please keep feeling all your feelings and sharing them. You are raising the powerful beautiful in your son, and I hope for and believe in the powerful beautiful of your new little one making her/himself known.

I am chanting for the powerful beautiful in you. Sending you love. Strength. I am paraphrasing Harriet Tubman (who had a disability and witnessed among many things the terror of children torn from the arms of their parents, and who as you know grew to save herself and many others from bondage)-- I am paraphrasing Ms. Tubman when I say if you want to taste freedom:
Keep praying. Keep hoping. Keep swearing. Keep going.
Parenthood--it ain't for kids.
Ok I made that last part up but I am with you good sister.

Your news is still promising.
Many many many hugs.

Billy said...

It is so not fair. I feel your anger and your sadness and really have no words of wisdom to offer. All I can say is that I hope so hard that Monday will bring the ever so much desired results and that you will finally be able to enjoy your pregnancy (and also be able to grumble at your morning sickness or going too often to pee, etc.)

Ms Heathen said...

I am so sorry that the ultrasound did not bring clearer news, and that you have been cheated out of what should be a time of unambiguous joy.

I am thinking of you, and hoping that your next appointment is more encouraging.

Jess said...

No hating yourself allowed. Hate the situation, not the wonderful woman who unfortunately has to deal with it. Somewhere in the back of your mind I hope you leave some room for the distinct possibility that this will all end up okay...in the end...in whatever way it happens (and of course I hope it's all happening now and that you will be able to stop worrying soon). We're all with you here, willing this to happen and hoping for you to find some peace very soon. xoxoxoxo

Catherine said...

Ah, i understand you would feel that way. You have had a hard road and your feeling are totally normal. Sending love your way!

tobacco brunette said...

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through and all that you're going through now. I wish I could do something to give you relief.

Please know that I'm thinking of you always and hoping that good news will come your way soon.

XOXOXOX

sapphic_mac said...

I wrote to you last week that I was going through almost the same thing. 5 pregnancies, 1 child. I had an u/s the day I wrote to you. No heartbeat. I had a D & C yesterday. Bleu, I understand how you're feeling more than you can even imagine. I understand the anger, I understand the sadness and tears, I understand the anxiety and the fear. I get it, I get it, I get it. Nothing will make you feel better except a healthy transition to the 2nd trimester. Please know that you are not alone in your feelings, and there are people out here that really do understand what you are going through. I hope your next u/s brings you peace and the news that you so desparately want.

ms.bri said...

I am thinking of you every day.

theclam said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers Bleu.

HUGS!!!

Peeveme said...

You can do this. You can get through this. I know it's not supposed to be this hard but for some of us it just is. I feel cheated, too. All the time. Everyday. I hate it.

Dora said...

Your pissiness and anger is completely justified. This is so hard and unfair. I think those of us who have to go through so much to have a child won't really believe it's worked until we're up with a baby in the middle of the night covered in spit up and up to our elbows in dirty diapers.

I wish you spit up and dirty diapers!

calliope said...

(((holds tight)))
still holding your hand. will even go climb that mountain with you so we can SCREAM the feelings outloud...
xo

Sherry said...

bleu I am so sorry this is happening. Will be thinking of you until next week...please don't beat yourself up too much for feeling all of this - the anger is really hard to keep at bay....it just sucks.

luna said...

thinking of you, bleu, and wishing you some good news.

battynurse said...

I agree that all the anger and frustration are allowed. Things didn't turn out how you wanted or planned them to be and that is a loss. Hugs to you.

Neenie/PawsNY said...

no words- here's my shoulder :)

nancy said...

I don't know how to answer you nor did I know how to answer your last post either. To me, if I got your u/s results, I'd be happy and thrilled, but I understand that you are coming from an entire different set of circumstances. So I don't think you are wrong for feeling this way, it's just I can't relate and don't know how to comfort you. ~hugs~

Stacie said...

Oh, Bleu. I just want to reach through the screen to give you a big hug. I so wish this was easy for you, and that you weren't stuck in this limbo again. It hurts. It sucks. It isn't fair. I am so sorry.

Stacie

More Beans Please said...

Oh sweetie - ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wish it was different for you. I am sending as much peace as I can your way.

vee said...

I'm angry as fuck and so sad for you too, honey. I wish there was some easier way through for you than this.

Sara said...

sending you love and light, and wishing I could do more.

R said...

Words can't really comfort... it sucks. Plain and simple. Just know we are all here, vent, bitch, do whatever you need to do. Sendnng you a big hug and lost of positive energy for you and lil one!! :)

MrsSpock said...

I am hoping for you that this will be a long and frustrating 1st trimester- that graduates to a peaceful and easy 2nd and 3rd trimester.

Let this be the Little Engine That Could...

Solitaire said...

Damn, I so wish for you that this was joyous and easy, and normal. I wish I could be there to hug you.

Mrs. M said...

I am thinking of you. It's frustrating. I think you kept your peace by not punching that woman in the neck (my friend used to say that and it used to crack me up).