sad...(UPDATED)

I had been doing better, way better.

I have been able to drink plain water again, THIS IS HUGE!!!!!

I was finally feeling like things were getting good.

Then...

I am suddenly not really feeling the baby move.

It moved places, and I know that could account for it, but it is really dragging me down

I used to feel it all day long in the bottom left area of my abdomen.

Then it felt like it moved a bit more center and now I am staying up late trying to feel it.

I am eating some sweet thing to try and feel it.

I am actually depressed right now.

I want, no I need to feel it move. It was what got me through day to day.

I am trying to tell myself it is just a different area that is harder to feel.

I am trying to tell myself to have faith and believe.

I am just covered with this film of sadness.

My next appointment was moved up because of my upcoming trip to the 6th of Nov.

It is still far to far away.


UPDATE:
I called the doc and could not stop crying. They fit me in today to ease my mind. All is well and the baby has in fact moved center, and right behind a HUGE placenta. I am beyond relieved. The doc I saw today kept saying hoe long the baby's legs were too, she said "wow they are so long they won't fit in the screen at the resolution" which I thought was funny.

As for the doppler, because I was already feeling the baby I felt it was not needed, now I may, I just hate the expense when things are so crazy right now. I still have my next appointment on the 6th so i should be good until then.

Thanks so much for all the support.

lots of plans...

I have been doing a lot better. The dexamethasone has actually made a big difference. I do not want to be on it much longer, however, as it is a class c and I want to be done with the extra pills.
I went two days without throwing up which was fantastic. I threw up this morning but I think it was my fault for having waffle and milk.

A LOT had happened in the past week, a shocking lot of life altering things.

For reasons both financial and otherwise it suddenly became clear to us that the move to Canada should be moved forward. With that new and terrifying info roomie retired this past week. We have been scrambling to come to terms with the new plan, both exciting and scary.

I am flying up to New Brunswick with Bliss on the 10th of next month to look at properties. I have been frantically contacting reactors. I have been trying to secure arrangements with the mover we previously choose.

This changes things a lot and our new goal of moving up there in January also means a winter move, not easy.

Packing an entire house while pregnant, really not fun and interestingly enough done before when 7 months pregnant with Bliss.

I have no interest in doing some things we really need to do. I hate organizing and having garage sales, hate hate hate. I have little interest in packing my garage and most of it's contents are my stuff.

I am really hoping to feel well for the trip and rather nervous.

But at the same time I know it is all very exciting and a great thing. It is interesting how it mirrors the pregnancy. I am so thrilled I am pregnant but cannot quite get the joy up for it quite yet as I am not feeling great. So I tell myself often how awesome it all is and plug along.

...

I have been having a rough time.

I am tired of writing about it.

I have spent a good chunk of time feeling sorry for myself.

That irritates me as well.

The Reglan has not helped either except before bed, otherwise I think it has made it worse.

I went back on Dexamethasone today because the vomiting started 48 hours after I stopped it and they said maybe it was keeping me from throwing up all first trimester and now without it I am.

I am not sure but we shall see.

I had a couple hours today of feeling really good.

Now as night came I have felt more and more yucky.

Part of me wants to write and write and write all my boo-hooing down just to try and get it all out but the other part is just tired of it.

I want so desperately to enjoy this pregnancy.

I am sorry if I am not commenting as much as usual.

I am sorry Mel my emails have been late getting back to you.

I am sorry I am whining so much when I have everything I have wanted for so long while so many of you are still painfully trying.

great video... (updated)

UPDATE: The embedding was disabled on YouTube so here is the LINK.

another day...

Talked to OB's office yesterday. They called in an Rx for Zofran sublingual for me.

Apparently Zofran does NOT work for me, AT ALL.

new developments...

So now that I am finally feeling more secure and less afraid guess what happens???

I have started throwing up. 13 weeks and a few days and I am now throwing up, and it is violent. My upper chest muscles are completely pulled and it is yucky. My eyeballs have somehow been strained as well and hurt, I do not even know how but they are sore since my last episode this morning.

I did look back at a pregnancy journal I wrote while pregnant with Bliss and apparently the first time I threw up then was in my 13th week also. I do not remember that at all. But ugh this is not real fun.

And it isn't only when I have food in my tummy. The other night in the shower I dry heaved 20 times before even bringing up bile. Good times!!

And speaking of the shower, I had to go out and track down a shower filter because the smell of the chlorine in the water has been causing some severe gagging. It finally arrived last night but I have not yet had a chance to try it out.

Poor Bliss was so scared the first time he saw me run to the bathroom and heard me throwing up. I came back in our room to find him in the corner looking terrified. I told him I was ok and we talked about it and by now he just tells me how sorry he is I was sick after it happens. So I am glad he is no longer traumatized by it poor lil guy.

Aside from this I am doing well. Still feeling the lil one at times through the day which just makes all the difference in the world.

wahoooooooooooo...

OK so the good news then the bad then the AWESOME.

The good news is the baby is doing great and looks fantastic, like a dancing lil perfect thing.

The bad news is I failed the 1 hour GTTS. I got 152 and needed to be under 135. I now have to do a 3 hour test. UGH!!!

The AWESOME news, if you can believe it, is I am actually feeling the baby move. Today when I went to my appointment I asked that she try the area I was feeling the past 48 hours and she did an abdominal u/s and started there, lower left, and the baby was right there. Then after a few seconds the baby did a body wave and I TOTALLY felt it. She was so excited I could feel it. Then another move I didn't feel but the next body wave I totally felt again, and I have been feeling them the past 48 hours. 13 weeks is WAY earlier than I could have hoped to feel but like with so much about this pregnancy, the early heartburn and nose issues, the many women who took part in making it all possible, and other things, I really feel like the Goddess is giving me these gifts to help me not lose my mind.

So yeah, I am over the moon. The GD stuff is a pain but I am not freaking about it yet.

Thanks again to everyone who has sent me so much support when my mind has been being such a bitch to me.

MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks

my head...

I feel better.
Uh oh, maybe things have stopped, you have m/c'd and don't even know it.
My boobs don't hurt so much.
It is second trimester that could be normal.
I feel less queasy, way less.
Again second trimester and you also stopped Metformin and most the progesterone.
Who are you kidding, you spent yesterday queasy as hell and gagging all day.
Yes but before that you DID feel way way better.
Yeah, speaking of Metformin, stopping that could cause a m/c.
I still have to get up to pee during the night.
Yes, but less and with less urgency.
You were able to eat caramel today when sweets have been awful for you during pregnancy.
Yes but caramel has always been the only sweet you could handle pregnant and it was either with a tart apple or salty popcorn.
You have been able to handle sips of plain water.
Yes sips but still preferring lemon water or plain iced tea with lemon.
Smells have not been as awful.
Are you kidding me, you now think your dog smells like chicken noodle soup and your bed has a weird smell.
I haven't felt "as pregnant" as I was.
Again you stopped or drastically cut down a ton of hormones you were taking.
The baby looked great last time.
Yes but it was 11w3d not technically second trimester so things could have turned to shit.
You have an appointment on Tuesday.
Yes but with an NP who last time I saw her was the first one to see dead baby number two.
You are making a good memory with her.
But what if it turns out to be another bad one.
You have been feeling confident.
Yeah, how dumb can I be, it's like I am asking for it.
You are still having strange dreams.
Well even if the baby dies I still have tons of HCG floating around.
You still have a little bit of blood every time you blow your nose.
Again, you still have lots of hormone in ya no matter what the status.
I want this too much, too too much and that is always asking for it.
You wanted Bliss more than air and look at him now.
Yes, but maybe that was all I should ever ask for, I got my dream, asking for more is asking for it.
Oh Goddess I wish you would shut up.
Yeah, me too.

advice sought...

I am looking for info/support. My RE told me to stop the heparin along with the other stuff at 12 weeks. He said if I wanted I could continue the heparin through the second trimester but it was not needed. He also ran many tests first to ease my mind.

I tested fine for the following tests.

Anticardiolipin Ab IgG Qn
Anticardiolipin Ab IgM Qn
Factor V Leiden Mutation
Protein S-Functional
Hemocyst(e)ine Plasma
Antithrombin Activity
Factor II Activity
Protein C-Functional

I am on High Folic Acid and high B-complex along with baby aspirin as well. I do not plan on stopping those.

So what I am looking for is anyone with experience stopping first trimester who tested negative, or even someone who stopped who didn't. I am only really nervous about stopping the Heparin. I have already stopped the estrogen and metformin and am tapering off the progesterone. I also stop the doxy this weekend.

I have no reason to be nervous about the heparin, and I am finishing what I have which is another 2 weeks worth, but I COULD refill for longer if I wanted.

So please, talk to me.

wtf...

So remember the neighbor who told me she was pregnant and was so excited because she knew how excited I would be since I have been trying so long??

Well as I mentioned I told two neighbors. One being her mother who lives with her, she was out. Her mother is a sweet woman I really like. But. Her first comment after I told her?? She asked me if I was on a diet????? It is still bothering me. And did said pregnant neighbor or her husband say congrats anytime since I told her mother?

No.

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

Trying to end on a positive note I will say the other neighbor did me a favor and did my weed eating for me because of me being pregnant.

12 weeks...

10 weeks ago today I had my retrieval that led to this pregnancy.

Today I am officially (developmentally) in the second trimester.

I spent this morning having a 1 hour GTTS. I had the tropical punch which was not bad, like too sweet Koolaid.

I took my last Metformin last night. I get to stop the estrogen patches also.

I will take PIO a couple weeks more but do not have to.

I am allowed to stop the Heparin but am still afraid to (will post more about this soon).

I have actually bought maternity clothes (ONLY because I literally had only one skirt that fit, nothing else AT ALL).

My next appointment is the 14th.

I have very strange dreams while pregnant.

I have actually told some"chosen family" friends and my neighbors. ACK!

I put a ticker on my iGoogle page and even that seems too much.

I am so very grateful to be here.

need to bitch...

It has been over three and a half months since it has rained here. There may have been a night it sprinkled across town but seriously, three and a half months. Have I mentioned how much I love rain. It is the closest I get to having actual weather and it makes me feel renewed and lovely. I love walking in it, I love driving in it, I love listening to it.

I need rain.

So imagine my excitement when it said we were expecting a day and a half of rain that was to start last night.

Oh yes, we got something, but do not dare call it rain. It spit, and it seemed every time I ran outside to feel said spit it stopped. Overnight, long after I was asleep it may have even gotten up to a sprinkle because this morning the ground looked wet, not fully soaked but wet.

It was supposed to rain all day today. HA! It has not so much as dropped a drop.

I am pissed and feel cheated. And of course tomorrow it is expected to be sunny and in the upper 80's again.

UGH

I need to work on a rain dance or something because I am sorely in need of actual weather. I cannot wait to move, I am so over this never ending heat and dryness.

OK thanks for listening, bitch over.

for all the amazing women who made this possible....

I wanted to take a moment to again say THANK YOU to all the amazing women who helped me make this possible. All of your contributions meant the world of difference and brought me to where I am today.

Last night I had the awesome honor of passing it forward and passing on all the extra meds I still have to another amazing women from our midst. It felt to good to hand over the rest of those magical meds and pass on some of the magic I had the privilege of experiencing myself.

So thank you, so very much, for allowing me the gift of receiving and the gift of giving.

11w3d...

So I called to schedule my OBGYN appointment. I have an amazing OBGYN doc as well. Sadly one of our last visits was when we discovered my m/c about 2.5 years ago. It was also after we had seen a heartbeat and Bliss was in the room and saw it all and it was pretty awful.

So she is scheduled to go on vacation next week for the rest of the month and I sort of needed to see her before she gets back so they scheduled me for today. Well they told me she was full up and I politely asked that they say who it was and that I was 1 weeks pregnant and she fit me in. Again because she is awesome.

So I was a little nervous, but only because of memories, not truly for any other reason. She said "let's make a good memory" and I concurred. She did the u/s and I waited without looking and I thought I saw her smile a little but she was heavily concentrating. I asked if she saw a heartbeat and she was like "oh yes it looks good I am just having trouble getting the right view" and we know my uterus has been wonky this pregnancy. So anyhow she says all is good and turns the screen as she gets a good view and starts to take measurements. The u/s machine, while a normal office one, not a level II or anything, was a brand new one they just got and it was SUCH a clearer view from the clinic. And then I see the baby and the difference of just three days blew my mind!!!!!

The baby was dancing, non stop moving, kicking it's hands and legs, pulling it's hand to it's face. It was soooo amazing. It measured, easily, 11w5d which rocks in my book and it was the most wiggly thing. I had Bliss come over to see and he said "yeah I see, now can you fix this game on your phone mama?" Oh well!!!

So we talked and I have decided no first trimester screening, I would never have an amnio or a CVS so it is something she thinks is just not worth it. She does want me to have a 20 week anatomy scan and I said ok so long as the tech can be instructed to purposefully avoid detecting gender, she said who she works with can and has done that. She is also having me do an early Glucose Tolerance test since my weight is so high. That's fine. I am also to take daily bp measurements and keep a log, my bp was a bit elevated today but she said it was also likely due to nerves from being there again.

So all in all a very good visit and an unexpected surprise this early on.

Here is another pic of the lil one.