bits and pieces...

I am doing better. Yesterday after I got home things were ok for a few hours, then the bleeding stopped again and I got very sick to my stomach. I have had morning sickness stuff for the first time this past week, real nice. Anyhow, in the evening I took a shower and upon checking found I had yet another piece stuck in my cervix. I was irked to say the least. The good news is I was able to pull it out around 11:30pm so I was very happy about that. It was a definite sac too.

Today I have been bleeding and cramping like AF cramps and passing clots so I would say things are pretty normal finally.

On a light note, when we were leaving the RE's yesterday Bliss announces "let's get the hell out of here." I know not where he got this as I am a big "heck" user and not so much a hell user. I say shit often, just not hell. Anyhow I laughed and immediately stopped myself and told him heck was a much better choice, but I think his timing was righteous.

I got a list together of all my meds for my next cycle. I will likely be having my next IVF in April and doc agreed. I am pretty good for most meds except, of course stims. I am putting out the call now, if anyone has extra Follistim or Gonal F let me know. I am clickable if you do not want to put it in comments. Any and all much appreciated.

Emotionally I am doing better, or at least trying not to dwell. I have been trying to avoid serious shows etc. The night before last, after all the labor and I was finally done I turned on "According to Jim" to watch a quick something light to wind down and go to sleep. The show ended with Cheryl telling Jim she is pregnant again, and the final final scene was an oh by the way I just found out it's twins. WTF I cannot catch a break sometimes. I turned off the TV sobbing. I can chuckle now but sheesh.

I want to end this blip writing post by saying you all have been so AMAZING in your comments. I do not know if I can truly convey how much difference it has made. IT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD TO ME!!!!!!! I truly have been able to get through this with the strength of all you stranger-sister-friends out there hearing my pain, understanding my pain, and sending me all your love and light.

Thank you.

it begins... (updated)

I started bleeding today and after about 3 hours of passing lots of clots and tons of blood I went into labor. I had awful contractions that got as close as every 2 minutes and then slowed to about every 5. Labor lasted for 5 hours with the first two spent screaming, and that was on Vicodin. I have not passed the babies yet that I can tell, but at least things have eased up. I am hoping to get some sleep before round two starts.

UPDATE: Last night when the contractions stopped I had a clot stuck hanging out of my cervix. I tried bearing down to no avail so I assumed it would pass overnight. Today it had still not passed and I barely bled all night since it was stopping me up. I let the doc know and they called me back and said they wanted me to come in to take the piece out. They were concerned. I went in this morning and he removed the piece from my cervix. He then used round tip forceps to reach inside my cervix and remove another large clot (they were kind and saved all tissue for me). After that came out I began flowing blood again. The pressure also stopped which had begun to cause pain this morning. He next did an ultrasound and said he felt the worst was over and likely the babies had passed (I still have some saved stuff from last night that was questionable). He said I would likely bleed and pass some more clots but not for too much longer as my lining looked good and pretty thinned. I have a lab slip for an HCG next week and as soon as it is to zero I will begin my cycle for the next IVF. I have to take an inventory of what drugs I have so he can tailor my protocol to make me have to purchase the least amount possible.

I do feel better since getting home from there. I am bleeding and passing clots still but I feel so much less pressure and tightness.

pain...

I am not sleeping much. I have been having just awful nightmares. Most about or related to my biological family who disowned me over 10 years ago. I am bitter and angry but really I just am mourning the family I wish I had, the support I wish I had, the unconditional love I wish I had. It's one of the reasons I am trying so desperately to have more children, to give Bliss family, family who will be there when I am gone, family who knows the value of unconditional love.

I didn't have many people to tell this time, thank Goddess. I called everyone on the way home from the clinic on Thursday, in tears. I spoke with a best friend and a cousin I am in contact with (she has been through 2 m/c's) and later got a hold of another. I also left messages for four others. My cousin also told my aunt who I have a relationship with.

The next day my cousin called, asked how I was, and then said she called to ask some info on an Ikea unit I owned. I was so floored. I wasn't even given 24 hours. She said it must be the hardest to be waiting with them dead inside me. I said I was fine, answered her questions and hung up.

My aunt has never called, in fact no one has called me at all of any of the messages I left. I get people do not know what to say, but it hurts, it is like adding more layers of pain to an already endless pit of it. There are hours where I just sit and hit refresh over and over waiting for a new comment because it is literally my only means of support, my only means of feeling held through this.

I have no family. I have a roomie/best friend who is great but is not the kind of friendship to hold me all night as I ball. That is ok, she is fantastic and wonderful with Bliss and it is simply who she is. She is hurting a ton over this and helps me immensely. I just wish I had a mother, or a friend who could. Bliss makes it all better in so many ways but it is not his responsibility to be all that for me. I cry some in front of him, but I do a lot after he is asleep.

I have not had even a tinge of a spot. I have always had the cervix of steel and thus far it is not budging. I am in pain though. I spent the past two days feeling body aches and kidney pain and now this morning I have uterine cramps, more like a pulled muscle than period cramps but they are constant.

I read on a board someone speaking about how they had felt their body failed them in not getting pregnant for so long, and then not keeping the baby, and that they were waiting to miscarry naturally in part to help restore some faith in their body, that it could at least do this right. I identified with it a lot, but now feel as if I may not even be able to do this correctly.

I am sure it sound sick but a part of me doesn't want to let my babies go, let them out of my body, and I am sure that is affecting this process. They are MY babies, and the idea of letting them go makes it all more final, more a reality that my dream is over, that I am back where I was over 2 years ago trying to have another baby.

And what the fuck is up with February??? I conceived Bliss in February, and have had 2 of my 3 miscarriages in February. I am rather torn but no one can say this isn't the month of love, love lost and love found for sure.

I have had some of the anger come up, in between tears and numbness. The stages are so predictable but no less painful.

So I am waiting, in pain, every kind of pain, and hoping it will and won't end soon.

p.s. just got call from new tests with old lab and my numbers are all fine, antibodies way down and thyroglobulin undetectible which is good and explains nothing as to this loss

tonight...

the tears have finally arrived

it hurts so deeply and i am just trying to breathe and let it wash through me over and over as long as it takes

i have been through this before, twice before, i know the process

i hate that i know the process

i got a very long very thorough letter from my doc tonight. he is such a wonderful man and he answered much i was questioning. i wrote back with some more but am now ok with having this happen naturally.

i will also likely take blue and black cohosh to aid in the passing of my babies

the last time i had a natural m/c i saved the baby and later buried it, i have the soil from the place in a pretty jar on my alter

i don't want to do that but know i likely will again as letting them pass down a drain is so wrong to me

i want so much to grasp at some reason for this that will make sense, that i can rectify, that i can make never happen again

i hate that i have to go through this process of pain, of suffering in my core, to get to the other side but i know i have to so i can start again and try again

so i am crying, deep painful crying all night long

shit...

First to answer some questions and then some stuff.

I am not RH negative, nor is the donor. My mother was so I have always known I was not.

I took Dexamethasone until almost a week after transfer. I will ask about taking it longer but when I got my positive beta and asked he said he didn't think it necessary. I am sure he will allow me to stay on it if and when I get pregnant again.

My doc isn't very pro D&C and usually does either natural or uses Cytotec to cause cervical dilation and allow the embryos to pass. I am waiting up to a week and then will consider the Cytotec. I tend to have a cervix of steel when it is closed.

I have been tested for NK's and APA's and all that. I have some APA's but no NK's.

I will be doing another fresh IVF as soon as my HCG is at zero. I will go through this hell until I have a baby, I just have to find a better way to live my life on hold than I have been of late, Bliss deserves more.

I do not think IVIG would be useful but will be asking about it. I have no idea how I would ever pay for it though.

I really really wanted twins, so much so it surprised me.

I am currently typing and drinking coffee.

I take Selenium every day and have since my last thyroid surgery (it is supposed to help clear antibodies from your system).

I take high Folic Acid with High B6 every day for auto-immune issues.

I take low dose aspirin daily.

I am pretty numb. I go through crying jags, but for the most part I am numb with bitter simmering below the surface. So far I am doing fairly well at not listening to my head say shitty things to me.

The antibodies will likely come back fine, although I think it was something I almost wanted to grab on to as something to blame.

I asked the doctor if testing the embryo's would yield us helpful info if they were tested, and if it can be covered on my insurance. I would have a D&C if this is the case and my doc thinks it is a good idea, especially because twins would give even more info.

I am waiting to hear back about the testing stuff now.

7w6d... (updated)

I lost the babies.
Both stopped growing last week.
Now I wait to miscarry for the third and fourth time.

UPDATE: So the first thing upon getting home is I get the mail. How perfect that the very very first bill I have ever gotten from my clinic was in the mail, and it was for the IVF in December. It is just the timing of it that was frustrating.

Next after I was home for about 15-20 minutes I get a call from my Endocrinologist. I had gone to get my thyroid levels checked a couple weeks ago to make sure all was ok for the pregnancy. The TSH T3 and T4 were all ok, the T4 came back just above the limits, but nothing to worry about. My Endo suggested lowering my meds a tiny bit once a week. My Thyroglobulin levels and antibodies were both not back yet. Fast forward to last week and they were still not back, no biggie. If you want my total history with thyroid cancer and then Hashimoto's Disease read THIS post.
So the docs nurse tells me the Thyroglobulin came back pretty ok but that my antibodies were at 661. The doc wanted to possibly schedule an ultrasound to check for left over tissue or a possible new nodule to make sure nothing could interfere with this pregnancy. I informed the nurse I had lost the pregnancy, she asked when, and I said I had found out about a half hour ago. She said she would have the doc call.
Here is the thing folks. I had gotten my antibodies to right around 200. I have had my entire thyroid removed, half at 19 and the other half 2 years ago when I had the severe Hashimoto's. How in the fuck can my antibodies triple in the past few months if I have no thyroid???????????? And now there is the huge question of if it caused this loss or not.
I also cannot fucking believe the timing of all of this. I am now numb, just numb. I took some junk food. I say "took" because I was either going to have a drink or have shit food. I wasn't even hungry.
The only good thing...it turns out I have not gained any weight.
So I am dumbfounded and confused. I am waiting for a call from my Endo and my RE.
Bliss said to me when I came crying out of the clinic "aww but we were soooo close!' He has been fine but wanting me near, but his usual wonderful funny self. A little while ago he asked if we were going to have a baby and I said not right now, that as I said before the babies didn't make it this pregnancy. I asked if he was ok and he said yes, I asked if he was sad and he said he was sad the babies didn't make it but otherwise he was fine. He is amazing and truly what gets me through all this.

ANOTHER UPDATE: The Endo just called and because it is a different lab that uses a different assay we have no way of knowing what has really happened so now I have to go back to my old lab and have the tests done again, which is not my lab now but should be covered as an out of network lab. ARRRRGGGHHH

the hat on the right...

The hat was made out of 100% cotton. It fit him as a baby and yet would fit my HUGE head as well which is why I know it was crocheted. The color scheme was very special to me. I have spent literally hundreds of hours searching for one like it online to no avail.

I decided to put it on the blog in case anyone ran across one.

HERE is a link to when I wrote about it before and a bigger picture.

the wait...

I am doing pretty well considering. This weekend seems to be dragging by so slowly though. I really am confused as to why I have so fews symptoms. I feel my uterus a lot yes, and my breasts are huge and tender, but not a lot. I also get breathless but besides those things, nothing. I am on a high B-complex and have been for eons because of my antibodies. It could be helping me not feel queasy but it sure doesn't do much for security to feel so little.

I talk to my belly a lot and have been doing my best to meditate but sometimes when I get real worried the best I can manage is playing computer solitaire (it calms me).

You know that saying that if it seems to good to be true it usually is? That is where some fear is stemming from right now. This all just seems too good to be true.

My doc has been great. He emails me encouragement notes which is so awesome. I am so fortunate to have found this clinic, they really are so special.

Anyhoo, that is where my heads at, more later.

ultrasound at 6w6d...

I am finally home from the u/s.

There were 2 heartbeats.

They are measuring 6w3d each.

I am 6w6d.

The heart rates are a little slow but consistent for 6w3d.

He said this can be because of it being twins but we will have to wait and see.

I go back in 7 days and that should really tell us if things are progressing as they should.

So more waiting.

There has been growth from last week which is great, and there are beating little hearts.

I am doing my best to remain very positive.

I am not going to lie though, I wish today had been more...I don't know...conclusive. I realize that just isn't a possibility right now but I still wish it.

FYI last years m/c I was measuring 5 days behind at the first u/s, then at the next u/s 2 weeks later the baby was gone. The baby had died 3 days after the previous u/s. That is one reason I am so nervous. I have read twins can run a bit behind and the fact that both are measuring the same is a good sign from what doc says. I just get scared. Today is the first day I feel like I can say I am pregnant with twins, and that is to myself.

I have loved and hated all of the comments of late. I love all the support, but I gotta say everyone saying congrats on twins when I had only seen two yolk sacs was making me crazy. I do NOT want people to think they cannot congratulate me, it has just scared the snot out of me.

Also, as for attachment, I am already oh so very very much attached to both. It is so terrifying knowing each time I go in my world could come crashing down, or my dreams could come true. No one can "relax" through that. I am doing pretty well. I still think I should "feel" more pregnant but I am OK.

Thanks again to everyone.

ultrasound at 6w0d....

The doctor's office called to say I could come in earlier.

I asked his wife to hold my hand and was crying the whole time.

There are 2 sacs. TWO! Neither are empty and they both have "light" in them and yolk sacs.

My RE was very happy (as was his wife) and feels really good about what he saw.

My next appointment is Valentine's Day for another ultrasound. He says we should see heartbeats then.

I would love love love love twins so much, but this also makes me feel good because the odds of having one take home baby go up. I hope that sounds right or ya'll know what I mean.

So now I breathe a little easier and hope for the best 6 days from now.

Thanks to everyone for all the support, for really getting it, it means so much. It makes it so I don't have to lose my mind in the midst of all the fear and pain.

Thank you.

22dp5dt...(updated)

My latest beta is 4389.

It is slower than normal according to one place and within range at another.

I am just pretty confused right now.

The doc wants me in for an u/s tomorrow at 1pm.

So more waiting.

Any insight welcome.

UPDATE:
I wanted to take a second to say I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, and I am, pregnant, as I type this. The hard part, for me, is that this is what I want so desperately, deeply, soul wrenchingly much that it takes my breath away, and it is not going according to "best stats."
Does that mean it is doomed, absolutely not, but it makes it hard to just be thrilled. Many of you, unfortunately, know that when you have experienced pregnancy loss, on any level, you never have much comfort and ease during subsequent pregnancies if you are lucky enough to have one. I know this, I know that even with great numbers you can have loss, I had that last year this week. I just get so afraid of feeling that pain again.
For me every time I go to the dentist and I need a shot in my mouth I cry, no matter what the dentist does or how great he or she is, I cry. It never gets better. I know I can deal with it but it is still awful for me. Mel mentioned something like this with shots in general. I am lucky I have no trouble with any other shots, just ones in my mouth.
I have been through 2 pregnancy losses. I lived through them. I had an amazing child in between them. I know if the worst happens I will live but I am so afraid of that pain again. I just don't want it. I do my best to stay positive, but I am really afraid here folks.
I wish I weren't. I wish my head would shut up. I read my Buddhism books nightly to try and find a way to meditate right now. I talk to my belly. I visualize. But my head loves to tell me I am too fat to stay pregnant. Or it is doomed because I need it too much or want it too much. Last night in tears my roomie got an earful of me questioning why I don't feel I am enough for Bliss. I KNOW all of that is bullshit. I am well acquainted with the bullshit brigade that occupies space in my head. I just wish I didn't have to battle them off and tell them to shhh every 5 minutes because frankly they do not make this any easier.
So I just wanted to be clear. I am aware I am pregnant, and very thrilled, but presently in a lot of painful fear.
But I am trying, really I am.

limbo...

I first want to again thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement. It really makes it bearable, I am not kidding, I do not think I could deal with all of this without all the support here.

I have never done well with limbo. I have ended relationships rather than be in limbo in the past. It has always been really hard on me.

I put a call in to my doc yesterday. The fact that a nurse relayed the info and the fact that my doc has never been anything but terrific made me want to speak directly to him. He called me at 7pm last night and I missed it but he left a message saying he would call back or to page him because we would definitely speak that evening (see, he is really great.) SO he called back and we talked and I asked about the 48 vs. 72 hour thing. He said that in his experience the best results came from doublings in 48 hours. He also said he had seen many exceptions. He told me stories of women who had awful numbers and had not doubled even in 72 hours who had fine pregnancies.

He was warm and comforting and let me know he was right there with me in this and we would just keep moving forward. I will get the beta tomorrow and if it is still rising ok then he said he would see about fitting me in for an earlier ultrasound to see that the sac was filled, not expecting to see a heartbeat, but just seeing if things look ok. He agreed with me that basically we just don't know shit yet and I need to just try and relax and get through the next few days.

I also went to acupuncture yesterday. She said I was frustrated the minute she saw me. It helped me relax some. I also read a good book and took it easy all day. I am crampy gassy today and a bit uncomfortable but all in all doing ok.

I had a long talk with Bliss as well letting him know what was up and that I get another test tomorrow and I told him if the baby didn't keep growing well that it would be sad but we would try again. He agreed and said he was ok with all that and to just let him know how things are. He still insists on going to any u/s with me. I know this is because the last one he was at was the dead baby one last year. We talk about it though and he seems really ok. He is such an amazing being.

SO I am resting today and reading blogs and rooting on all who are dealing with this and other crap. I am dealing with the limbo, it just really sucks.

20dp5dt...

I just got my beta back for today.

2853

The doc is not happy with this and is sending me back in 2 days for another.
I am so tired of this shit.
And of course the Beta Base is down.
My progesterone is also only 17, which is so on par for me at 5-6 weeks but I am on a shot and a supp. so it should hold but still.

Back to waiting, and stressing, and trying not to.

the good, the bad, and the ugly...

The good:

My boobs finally hurt, a lot. Yay!
I am peeing more.
The veins are showing more in my breasts.
I have felt a few tiny little waves of queasiness.
I have taken a couple naps during the day.
The next beta is in 2.5 days.
The u/s is 12 days away.

The bad:

I am still very worried and fearful.
I have been up til midnight with a loud mind often.
For every blog that gives me hope 3 others trash it.
The u/s is 12 days away.

The ugly:

I am back at my highest weight ever.
I weigh more than the day I gave birth to Bliss.
The u/s is 12 days away.