yeehawwww...

I have been plugging along. I am less than 2 pounds shy of a 20 pound weight loss for the month. I will weigh in tomorrow to see exactly.

I drove to the clinic this morning to drop off my new patient packet and medical records. The front office was very very nice. I also told them if they had any cancellations between now and next Tuesday I would love it. They said they would put me to the top of the lust for a cancellation. I just got a call saying they could see me tomorrow morning. Yipeeeeeee.

I am also right at ovulation. I am not sure if it will be tonight or tomorrow and have not decided yet if I will inseminate or not. I am only on cd 9 which is sooooo early but at least I can bring my tank with me tomorrow and see what the doc thinks. Maybe I can even get an IUI thrown in for good measure. I highly doubt it but one can hope.

If I do end up not doing this cycle one good part is it will likely be a very short cycle.

I will write what happens after tomorrow. I am just so excited. I truly didn't know how I was going to make it until next Tuesday.

irked and bored...

I am awake. Why you ask? I am gushing so much that I have to change stuff every 2 hours or I will ruin my new sheets. I am on cd1 for goddess' sake. I would LOVE to wake up every two hours again for a baby. I loved it when Bliss was a baby. I do NOT love doing it to stop a blood flood. I am wiped out from this already.

I spend so much time worrying about having a cold uterus but I probably have a hot one. It seems to me I have too much blood flow.

So while up I got bored and changed my template, again. I am not sure I like it but I am tired of the old one. I wish there were more choices.

Sleep well blog world, I hope I can soon.

cd 1...

I am like clockwork. I am cd 1 today. Always glad to have the wait after a known negative over. Now it is on to see if this "natural" cycle will be wacky or not.

I am 15 down on the weight thing.

I feel ick today but that is just the period talking I am sure.

out but hope...

I am out this cycle. I am down but there is some hope. I managed to get on the new good insurance after much running around today. I now have an appointment for October 9th with the Fertility Clinic my doc has wanted me to go to. I am feeling some hope at this and am glad it is not too far in the future.

I realized today that I really regret that I had the D&C after my m/c in Feb. The first m/c I had before I had Bliss was a natural one. It was painful both physically and emotionally but it was also purging and cleansing in a way. I waited 3 cycles and my first try back I got pregnant with Bliss.

Since my D&C I have had such strange periods. I also feel that perhaps it did something to mess with my insides or caused a blockage of some sort. I wish I had had the strength and patience to wait for my body to heal itself back then. I know I was so emotional and I just wanted it over but in hindsight I wish I had made a different choice.

I will still try this month, but it will be a natural cycle and then hopefully, if nothing terrific happens, I will get to start a new plan the cycle after. It would put O right around Beltaine or Halloween which would be terrific.

Bliss was with me running around today and I told him it was so I could get a new doctor who could maybe help me have a baby and he said "good mama, but when you see this new doctor I am going with you." He is so darn cute.

So sadness with hope, a strange kind of day, but it is raining and that always makes me smile.

for me...

11 dpo...

negative

home again...

We are back home from our trip.

I have been back a few days but feeling very cocoon-ish and not really in a place to talk. The trip was great and a let down all rolled into one. I think I had some expectations which is always a recipe for a let down. We did have some great times too so I am trying to focus on that. I do, however, think my son would have been just as happy at a hotel down the street from where we live and that is exactly what I am planning next time.

On the ttc front things do not feel special in any way. I know I have been pregnant without symptoms before, but I am not feeling very positive right now. I POAS this morning at 10 dpo, which I know is early, and of course it was a negative. I am planning for it not to change and really trying to be ok with it.

I am also planning on doing what it takes to get the new insurance. I have been doing some fertility treatments with my current doc but also doing some on my own. (NOTE: do not flame, I am a highly educated and intelligent woman who made her own choice and am fine with it) I am now looking at being referred to the fertility clinic and hoping it can all happen quickly and I will not have to take steps backwards in order to go forward. I am of the mind to just do IVF but I do not know what hoops will have to be gone through with the new insurance.

If anyone has had IVF with Un*ited He*alth C*are let me know your experiences.

I am so afraid of never carrying again, it consumes my breath and makes me suffocate. I have now idea of how to even allow that idea in without having a breakdown.

On a completely different note I have lost 13 pounds in the first two weeks and two days of my eating plan and I am pleased with that. Of course all I want to do today is eat fattening foods until the pain goes away, but I am sticking to my plan. I did go off one day on vacation and then got back to it so that is going ok too.

I will post pics soon of Bliss on our trip.

on our way...

I had insems on Friday and Saturday. I am a bit bummed because I had zero CM which is strange for me. I am trying to be positive though.

I have also lost 6.5 pounds since last Sunday which makes me feel really good. I still weigh more than ever but at least I am headed in the right direction. I also feel good about how I am doing it. Nothing extreme and nothing unrealistic.

I am heading out tomorrow with Bliss for our trip. I am excited and really looking forward to being on the road with him. He is so excited he is running in circles today.

I did a bunch of shopping so I can cook all our food on the road to save some money. I also did it so I can stay on target as much as possible. I am not sure how I will treat the S'mores part of the trip when we are in the woods, but I am treating it as a potential learning experiment. Either I will go off plan at times, and practice getting right back on plan at my next meal, or I will juggle calories and make room for said s'mores and stay on plan. To be honest I am really only looking forward to one s'more and maybe one ridiculous priced coffee drink with too many calories, but that is really about it. So we will see how I do and what I decide, but whatever I choose I will set my main goal as not getting down on myself for any choices I make on our vacation.

In other news, when we get back I will be getting some info that will help me make some plans for if this cycle does not work. I have a possibility of getting insurance that will cover IF. It will cause a domino effect in many other areas of my life that I am just not sure is ok when I look at the bigger picture of our future. I do, though, think that I will finally be able to get some clarity on if it will not only be possible, but worthwhile to pursue. I think I will be able to know by the end of the month which really makes me happy. I am the absolute worst with limbo situations and I always have been, so having some clarity will make me feel much better. I do have a question for the blogosphere. Has anyone gotten new insurance for IF. If I get this my doc is ready to refer me to the IF Clinic, but could the insurance say it is pre-existing. Also, can the say I have to do another 6 months of trying before treatments? I am 40 so it would be less time but I am concerned about all of this. I also am paranoid about speaking directly with them because I do not want them to possibly use it against me. The insurance is UHC and it has great IF coverage. I do not want to go into details in the open, but feel free to email me to talk details.

where i am at...

I am doing ok.

I am gearing up for an insem this weekend and then next week Bliss and I leave for our trip up the coast.

It has been a pretty up and down week so far. The drugs I am on have been making me go from zero to sixty immediately which has been just crappy when it comes to yelling at the most ridiculous things. My poor son has finally shown some effects of my irrational behavior and has been acting out in all sorts of fun ways. Yesterday we had a really rough day and at bedtime I was furious with him and asked that he lay down quietly on the other side of the bed until I was calmed down.

Well when I was ready to talk he had fallen asleep and I felt so badly. I cried for a long time and then when I later took him to the bathroom before I went to sleep I told him some stuff but I knew he was really groggy. This morning we had a very long talk and then we ran two errands and went to the park. It has been a much better day today and I feel like I am back on track again, but it kills me when I know part of it is truly hormone induced. I am trying to get pregnant to give this creature I love more than life a sibling he so desperately wants and in the shit process that is IF I am a monster to him. It sucks so hard at times.

I am working on really changing things in me though. I am doing more meditative breath work. I am trying to make myself do the small things that ground me. I have a new lead on some work that may pan out really well which would be a boost to all things me. I have also started an eating thing. It isn't a diet of any specific kind. It is making a plan for me.

You see my dear blog world friends I have this problem. I stress badly over 2 things in life mostly (outside of IF). I stress over my finances and I stress over my weight. Other things I worry about but don't get crazy over. My problem is that when I am severely stress over money I buy things and when severely stressed over my weight I eat. It is bass ackwards I know and I truly hate it but it is what I do. I have to come to a place where this is no longer my pattern but it is a struggle to figure out how to. I am a person who has always been an extremist. An all or nothing sort of person. When I go on a diet I do great, I never cheat, because if I do once, it is over. I lost so much weight before and did fantastic, but then when I got pregnant I threw it all out the window. I am also not one to deny myself stuff indefinitely. So I have to figure out how to come up with some plans that just change how I live that I can honestly live with forever.

I found this site called FitDay that is totally free and offers this great daily food diary. It has a way to add foods with all the nutritional info. It also has all these options to do a food journal, or set goals, or mark a calendar. It also lets you add daily activities to see what you are burning. I decided to set up a plan for myself. I decided to make just a couple goals, very simple ones. I made my minimum calorie intake 900 and my maximum 1750. I also had a goal to lose 25 pounds in 2 months. When I was on the diet before I lost 20 a month very easily so I feel this is a realistic goal. My problem is quantity, it always has been. I like to eat large portions of real whole food. I am not so much a junk food person. I am a whole dairy, red meat, homemade pie kind of person.

Anyhow I am following it but I feel like I have a built in safety net to a degree. I try to keep calories at 1500 each day but if I am stressed at it hits 1700 I am still within my goals. I also am not saying I have any foods off limits. So long as I stay within limits anything goes. The other morning I had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I had two with coffee. I also ate smart the rest of the day and had a day within the limits I set.

I am not sure how this will go but so far, since Sunday I have lost 4 pounds. I know it may change as I get closer to ovulation and my ovaries are jacked up but I am giving this a go for 2 weeks. At the end of two weeks we will see how I am and go from there. The thing I like is if I want to eat something awful for me, like say one day I want popcorn with butter and a soda (the only time I drink soda is popcorn and pizza) then that can be my meal and I eat right the rest of the day.

I heard this woman speak who had lost a lot of weight. She wrote a book after interviewing all these people who had lost over 100 pounds and kept it off and she said that one thing all of them had in common was that when they messed up they started right back at the very next meal. So my plan is sort of tailored around that principal. Besides I know that the bottom line with weight loss is calories in calories out.

Anyhow that is where I am at. Does anyone relate to the eat when bummed about weight and spend when stressed over money thing? How have you learned to get around it and grow through it? Who of you are all or nothing types and how did you learn to live a happy healthy life?

Lastly, I just wanted to say how much it helps me just having this place to vent and get such great support and feedback.

angst...

You know you're jaded when you want to scream
"LEARN SOME BIOLOGY"
at newbies on TTC boards.

blood moon...

Did anyone see it? My roomie works nights and said it was incredible. It seems so appropriate to me. I am cycling with the moon again and this month the lead up was insane and then it turns out to be a true blood moon. Then Mega Millions rolled over yesterday to over 325 million. I am buying tickets today I swear it.

I am also trying to figure out what my plan of action is. I am looking at injectable IUI cycles at the fertility clinic and it would be out of pocket about 2 grand per cycle. I do not have trouble with egg finding sperm or timing, I have trouble with old eggs. So I have been looking into IVF in Mexico since I could drive down. If Sara or Calliope or any of the IVP women ever wanna go do a girls week/month and get matching IVF's together let me know.

My conundrum is this. Do I spend 2 grand for an IUI or 4 for an IVF? It will also pretty hard to do with a child in tow if I am in Mexico, and my roomie could probably come for a short time but it is all a lot to figure out. I hate when money has to come into consideration in all of this, but it is the reality and it does.

Anyhow I am heavily flowing preparing for this months try and planning another little get away with Bliss during the 2ww. I am trying not to be too down, it is hard though.

argh...

I ran some errands today, nothing new, do it all the time. But today I kept crying. I put on some Pink to listen to thinking kick-ass music would help and I cried through it. Every time I got in my truck I began crying more. Then I would get out, run an errand, and back in. At one store, in an elevator, an elderly woman and her son were the only ones in with me and we made humorous small talk and I found myself thinking "see you can lighten up and enjoy an everyday moment" and then the woman exclaimed, out of the blue "BABY DAY!" I said "excuse me?" and she said "The store is having a baby day soon (pointing to a flyer on the elevator wall) I just LOVE babies!" I smiled and high tailed it out of there.

I was finally on my way home, Bliss was home with my roomie playing and watching movies, I was missing him like crazy (yes I am a very clingy mama who rarely leaves her child for a minute and it is one additional reason I want/need to have another child so I do not smother him to death) and crying from that and then I realized I was near Whole Foods, which is across town from where I live, so I decided to pop in for some take out lunch. I ran in to get some curry and coconut rice and some Fage yoghurt and low and behold Whole Foods is having their very own Baby Day with tables set up and yes you guessed it, tons of kids. I got my food and drove home crying and screaming the words to Pinks "Long Way To Happy" song.

I am assuming my period is nearing and it is adding to my emotional state but I feel like I cannot catch a break in my head and heart right now. I am raw and hurting and worried about ending up facing IVF when I honestly cannot afford it. I am frustrated and have a secret fear it is because I am so fat that I am not pregnant (I got pregnant after I lost all that weight then gained it back and lost the baby) and I am getting angry as well. I am angry that my love, my child asked me today why he can't meet his grandma and I had to explain that my mother won't let me see her and he asked if we could call to which I had to tell him no, that my mother wasn't very nice and wouldn't let me call either. I am angry I do not have free fresh sperm available to me on demand, even though I am gay and do not even want to be in a relationship at all with any gender. I am angry that I am so frozen in the IF but I am unable and/or unwilling to focus on anything else. I am angry I cannot move to Canada for 18 more months even though it is nobody's fault.

I am rambling, trying to purge, and that isn't even coming out right or helpful.

what i would also like...

is $100,000

12 dpo...

negative

9:19 pm...

i am gutted
absolutely soul wrenchingly gutted
i know it is still early
i would love to feel silly tomorrow or the next day
but tonight
right now
it hurts so bad my bones are aching
my head screams at me every crappy thing anyone has ever said about me ttc
my heart fears never getting to feel a baby move in me again
oh goddess i want that again
i know i am so fortunate
i am so blessed
but my entire life is on hold
fuck telling me i should get on
fuck telling me it'll happen when it should
fuck every positive and negative comment ever
about my eggs, my fat, my hormones, my antibodies, my age, my ability to ovulate on my own
i just want this, i need this, he needs this
our family i have worked so hard to create needs this
no matter how hard i tried
no matter what i told myself
it still guts me
there is no avoiding it
no getting around it
these tears down my face, over my chest and sore breasts
they don't stop
i play bargaining games with every god i can think of
i come up with new scientific methods to put my body through next time
if i shift a day here
if i add a drug there
maybe my altar needs a clearing and re-arranging
yeah that's it
dust off and move some things
smudge it and all will be well
there is no possibility of not having another baby for me
it is not even in my realm of maybe per chance
it is not even the forethought of an idea
it is just this endless trying
this pain in 2 week doses
this hope and longing and wishing and praying and utter devastation
over and over and over







i am gutted

11 dpo...

negative

what there is...

there is the sore nipples for more than the past week
there is the left breast engorging (why only one?)
there is the slight increase in smell which leads to
the fact that my urine smells vaguely like cat pee
there is the being so so very hot (even with AC I had to buy a new fan)
there is the tiredness
there is the out-of-breath-ness
there is the shorter than short fuse
there is the slight crampiness
and all of this means...

nothing


yet

I will start testing tomorrow
the thing is
I feel pregnant and dammit that just isn't ok
it breeds hope
it fucks with my head
it could very well all be progesterone induced symptoms
it makes me so nervous
I want this so badly

I know I know if I had a nickel...

breathe

100th post...

Something witty.

i'm just asking...

So I am in the 2ww again.
I am happy to be here.
I had my insem last night.
So let me ask you.
Doing the whole legs and hips up after,
on a memory foam bed...
Is it as impossible for others as it is for me?
Pain the the friggin ass.
That's all I am saying.

i'm here...

I am around. I am waiting to O.
I am feeling positive about this month for various reasons but I am not in too much of a talkative mood. If you knew me you would fall over hearing me say that.

I am also very close to my 100th post which, of course, just adds the pressure, or I add the pressure.

Anyhow, I will post more after O and insem. Until then radio silence most likely.

boggled...

So I am gearing up for finally being able to get on with try # 13 sometime next week. This month off because I missed my O was a bummer but ok. I had a nice morning, had finished a nice breakfast and went to the bathroom and guess who showed up. I am bleeding. This means I had a 21 day cycle. WTF??? I guess it is a good thing I missed O because I doubt anything could have matured in that short a cycle but I am so confused. Has anyone had a really short cycle after stopping clomid for a month? I have searched but found nothing on that on Dr. G. SO assuming this isn't spotting, which it doesn't seem like, I am on cd 1.

for bliss...

beauty...

anatomy of a bruise...

In other news I fell trying to avoid stepping on Bliss while getting in the bath. I landed on the shower door metal guide and have the worst bruise I have ever had in my life.

The first is a couple hours after then the next is this morning and then this afternoon.

ouch!

:::Updated::: to add another pic from two days later.

out.......

First time ever I have missed a cycle. I am really irked but I will live.
I ordered a tank on Ebay and will pay out the nose to have it shipped ASAP.
I am also going to order 6 vials next month and keep them here.

shit!

cd 12...

I am confused right now. I began opk's on cd 9, there was a line but not equal to or darker than. So on cd 10 it was darker than the day before. I was not sure it was equal yet but it was close. I was a bit miffed because the tank wouldn't arrive until Friday. That night it was about the same. Yesterday it seemed to be lighter both times, just great. This morning it was almost completely gone. I have had O on cd 13 or 14 always, on Clomid it would sometimes be cd 15. Long before Clomid I never had one earlier than cd 13 but this month is a break month, the drug has been stopped. That could have messed with my cycle I know so I am just unsure. I have had no EWCM or other signs. I do not temp. SO the tank came this afternoon. I did another test and it seemed a bit darker than this morning but still very faint. It could be from the whole after 2pm better for LH thing, or it could be that I will get darker and darker until a real surge in a day or two. I have no real way of knowing but of course this is the month I only got one vial. I will not waste it on today as I really do not feel I am about to or have just O'd.

If I do not get a surge and it HAS passed then I have a vial that I cannot send back. I also do not have my own tank or a place locally that would take it. I may try and buy my own tank on Ebay if I have to and just get it refilled when needed but that is so costly. I know I could then order a big amount of vials and keep them here and no longer have to worry about timing or paying those high shipping fees but I just am not sure. It seems like so much to think about today.

In the meantime I think I will make a homemade cherry pie.

cd 8...

Some things of note.

We went to Canada and got our visas signed. We now have permanent residency and can move anytime. I am very happy about this. We had a great, but long day when we went.

I am off Clomid this month and starting yesterday I have had no appetite. It is so strange. I am not sure what it is from and if it is related but it is very opposite of the norm for me. I am not complaining.

I have this deep fear I have been battling this week. I am terrified I am to fat to get pregnant. It stems from tons of stuff, but mainly from the fact that I got pregnant when I lost the weight, then I gained it all back while pregnant and now it is still on and I am still not pregnant again. I ovulate fine, my blood sugars are very normal and I do not have PCOS but it is a fear of mine. Some nights I wake up crying from worrying about it in my sleep. It sucks.

cd 1 ...

So it begins again. Another cycle. Cycle 13 to be exact. I like the number, always have, but sheesh.

I spent the day at the water park. Bliss and I had a lot of fun. I got new clothes last week, it has actually made a big difference. I am still feeling like a lard ass but having some clothes that look decent has made me feel more human. I have taken 5 minutes to primp before leaving the house. It has been ages since I did that. I have also been forcing myself to go out more. Hence the water park. We got a pass and this was our second trip in as many weeks.

Wednesday we go up to Vancouver, Canada for the day and get our visas signed. We will visit the Aquarium there and sight see for the day before taking a late flight back home.

I only ordered one vial for this month, the cost has just been so huge and with the shipping as well I just couldn't do two. I had Bliss with one vial as well as the pregnancy before him so I am not too stressed about that. I am also looking forward to a Clomid-free month.

I had a talk with Soul the other night. I asked her/him to please come sooner rather than later, to meet her/his brother and allow me to be her/his mother. I told her/him it really meant a lot to me. I felt connected much more than ever before.

I am trying to be positive.

I still cry a lot though.

But I am making the effort, doing the work.

I hope this will be my month.

cut, the film...

NEW FILM out...here's the info...must RSVP


What: FILM - Cut: Slicing through the myths of Circumcision

Why: The Director, Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon and producer, Pennie
Ungar-Sargon will be in NY
and will show the film.

When: Monday, July 9th, 2007 6:45 p.m.

Film: 70 minutes Discussion: One to two hours

Location: Realbirth - 54 West 22nd Street, NYC 10010, 2nd floor
between 5th and 6th Ave. tel.
212.367.9006


Info: www.cutthefilm.

com <http://www.cutthefilm.com/>

Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon: Writer, Director, Cinematographer, Editor, and
Narrator
Pennie Ungar-Sargon: Producer

Cut is a new documentary film by Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon which examines the
subject of male circumcision from a religious, scientific and ethical
perspective. Using cutting-edge research, in addition to interview
footage of rabbis, philosophers, and scientists, Cut challenges the
viewer to confront their biases by asking difficult questions about this
long-standing practice.

11 dpo...

Negative HPT. I am pretty down.

I saw my doc on Monday. She said my Clomid Challenge was great, and was pleased. She said she thinks I should continue on the Clomid for a while longer. I spoke to her about taking DHEA along with it and she said it couldn't hurt. She said she thinks I have plenty of eggs, and I ovulate well, but the eggs are either not fully maturing or poor quality. Injectables could give more numbers, so therefore better odds of a good one getting caught.

I found out though, that she does not do injectables at her office. She refers to a Fertility Clinic. She is an RE but chose not to do that in her practice. I was pretty stunned. This definitely throws a wrench in my plans. I do not have insurance that will cover any fertility stuff at all. I may have to change and pay bit for insurance in September, but I now have to see if the only one I could maybe get covers infertility and if so how much.

Part of me wants to do injectables on my own. No flames folks, it is where I am at right now in my head. I know protocols. Doubt it will happen but I am just so despondent right now.

I also have no desire to go to any festivities today. Bliss is pretty oblivious but it isn't fair to him if we don't. I know I should have just waited until tomorrow to test, but I just couldn't. I tested yesterday for the first time, then again today. Some friends always have a block party each year that we go to. I am so not up for it today. I am not sure if we will stop by, but we will take a drive at nightfall by the Expo Center/Fairgrounds to see the fireworks show. I also got him some sparklers. I am just not sure that is enough to keep me from feeling like the world's worst mom today. I already feel like the worst mother for not being able to provide him a sibling.

I am thinking of taking this next cycle off as far as progesterone and estrogen goes. I will always do progesterone, I know I need that. But I may go one month without the rest and see how it goes and then if still nothing do another 2 - 3 Clomid cycles before figuring out the insurance thing. Open enrollment is in September, if I could even get and afford it.

I also know I could still get a positive, but I am pretty doubtful at this point.


UPDATE: We did go to the block party after a movies and popcorn at home. Then we went to see the big ones so he got to have a really great day. I faked it and felt better for it.