update...

I saw my OBGYN today. I also have the results from the Endo's tests. I am pleased to know that my ANA came back negative as did my Natural Killer Cells test. My Antiphospholipid test came back all fine except for my Phos. Serine IgM, that came back positive at 36. I spoke to the docs and researched myself and am pretty OK with what I found. I am on Aspirin therapy now and that is what is recommended for it. They do not think it is high enough to require Heparin. I did find some studies suggesting that it can be related to fetal growth inhibition which is interesting since my baby stopped growing but there is no way to know for sure.

My doctor said my cervix was great and all looked fine for getting back to TTC as soon as my first period comes. We both think I should get mine in approximately 2 weeks, so that would put insemination's beginning around a month from now. THAT would mean a possible x-mas baby if I was fortunate enough to get lucky the first try out, but I really cannot even dwell on my feelings about that. I am working on letting the universe show me what is meant to be and accepting it as best and as gracefully as I can.

My doctor also made sure I had my Rx's in for the Clomid/Estrogen/Progesterone trifecta again. I have asked that if and when I do become pregnant again I be allowed weekly progesterone testing so that I can perhaps be on a smaller dose of it in order to avoid the excessive symptoms I was having.

I am pretty OK with all this. I am still having some trouble getting in touch with my anger stage but it is a work in progress.

because it's how i feel...

cannonball

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it's still a little hard to say what's going on
there's still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there's still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer to me
so close i can't see what's going on
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball
there's still a little bit of your song in my ear
there's still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer each day
still i can't say what's going on
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon
stones taught me to fly
love just taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

in other news...

I have been having back problems very recently. I have the start of osteoarthritis, according to a ct scan I had late last year, but that is just usual stiffness upon waking and whatnot. Recently I have been waking up in a lot of pain, even when I go to bed feeling fine. Then yesterday I ran some errands and when I got home and went to get out of my truck, I could not stand up straight. I was in excruciating pain the rest the day and walking at 90 degrees. It was not sciatica as I know that one well. It was above it but still lower back. I was able to straighten more today but I am leaning over to the right.

After Bliss was born I had major problems with my feet. I have really high arches and they began to fall/break. I had to have orthotics made and I was barely able to walk for a time. The orthotics didn't do much, in my opinion. I bought new Birkenstock sandals and shoes and within 3 days I was a new woman. I am a show whore, have always been one, but since then I pretty much just live in my Birk's. I have over 100 pairs of shoes and used to love wearing many of them all the time, but once I had those feet problems I just don't want to take the chance. I also don't go clubbing anymore so it is not like I am really missing them. I kept most my shoes though, some are almost like pets to me. Just looking at them makes me smile and occasionally I pet them. It isn't a feti$h or anything, nothing sexual, I just love them.

I ordered a new bed. One that is way more than I have ever spent before on a bed, but I am desperate. I need to be able to sleep well and wake up without being in pain. I ordered an Isoform bed, which is like a TempurPedic but made here and half the price. The bed comes with a 90 day trial and the sales girl offered to pay the shipping back if I should end up not liking it. I am also contemplating ordering some MBT shoes, which are so expensive I am not sure I can get past the sticker shock, and considering my history with shoes that is saying a lot.I am excited and anxious but mostly I am just hoping that these things will help. I am also doing stretching and trying to take it easy.

I hope to be able to stand up straight soon.

happiness in a vial...

I saw my amazing Endocrinologist today. I say amazing because she listens, because she believes I know more about my body than her. I say amazing because of the years I spent with the jerk Endocrinologist who lied to me, cost me 5 precious vials of Bliss's donor and almost my sanity (see first few blog posts). I say amazing because she welcomes my research I do at home and tells me she feels bad she isn't as up to date on stuff pertaining to my specific questions as she feels she should be. I tell her she is amazing and that I do not expect her to be up on everything under the sun, and that I appreciate that she goes the extra mile to check on things she isn't sure of.

A little back-story of today's appointment. I wanted to have some tests run, I mentioned them below. I had spoken to her assistant on the phone and asked for an Antiphospholipid test. It took 3 return calls with the assistant because the girl cannot, apparently, take a message and even when I spelled words out for her she came back with answers to nothing even remotely close to what I had asked. She did, however, finally say she got the test OK'ed and ordered. I went to the lab and had the blood draw, the lab person said she thought the test was ordered, and then Tuesday I get a call with my results and they are results for tests I had done a month and a half ago. They had been done again and the one I had requested had never been ordered. Well, I know my doctor, this was not her, this was the assistant screwing up simple phone messages. (I am sorry, if you cannot even pronounce Thyroglobulin you should NOT be an assistant at an Endocrinologist, period.) So I told said assistant I needed to see the doctor this week. I went today.

So when my doctor came in before I could even speak (and I am fast) she told me how sorry she was for my loss. I thanked her, and was touched. I then told her I was there in person because the assistant had screwed up 3 phone messages and a lab request and I had some wishes as far as blood-work. I did not tell her what the assistant had said, during the first call when I informed her I lost the baby and wanted some tests to check some stuff. She told me if I wanted to know why the baby dies I had to talk to my OBGYN. ?!?!?!?!?!? Anyhow, tangent, so my doctor says she is so happy I am there in person because she wants to really look into things as well. She then informed me she had been at a special in house seminar/conference yesterday and had spoken with a pediatric director for this one center and had spoken about me to her and asked if she knew any specific things my doctor could look for with regards to causes for my m/c. I was so impressed and touched.

My doctor has ordered an Antiphospholipid test for me, along with an ANA test/panel, which the other doc recommended. She has also ordered the one I wanted the most, which is a Natural Killer Cells panel with a CBC, platelet count, WBC lymphs, and phenotyping. I had the blood drawn next door to my doctor's office so they could make sure they got it all ordered correctly, which was not an easy feat. It took a long time for them to find out the proper coding as this test is not run often.

So now I wait, but I am OK with that. I am just so satisfied to be listened to. I am pleased to have a doctor that also cares. I am pleased that I will be able to know if these things could be a cause because they would continue to be so, and they are truly the only things I am worried about.

I am happy today.

things i question now...

I am not a drinker, maybe one drink a month if that. I craved booze shortly after I tested pregnant.I did not drink of course, but I would think about a margarita, a glass of champagne, or some fresh sangria a lot those first weeks. To the point that it freaked me out a bit.

I could still drink coffee. I got to where it wasn't a daily need like it usually is, but both my other pregnancies, by week 4 it was not sounding too good and by week 6 it was repulsing me. This time I was still having a cup every day or two and enjoying it.

The "police dog nose" thing. I really barely had it. I was not liking perfume-y stuff, which I am not real into these days anyhow, but that was about it. I was not fond of some smelly lotion I had, and a strong icky candle was really bad to me. When pregnant before almost all strong smells made me cringe badly very early on. Food smelled very strong, even when good. this had not happened yet.

I was not tired, and it was hard. I wanted to be able to sleep. At the start I had awful insomnia, and then as the weeks went by I just was rarely tired. I could go to sleep finally, but only at my usual bedtime, not early or anything. With both other pregnancies I could sleep anywhere, anytime, all day long, all night, around the clock.

The weight gain. I never gained fast early on with either other. I gained a lot with Bliss but mainly in the second and third trimesters. With this one I gained a lot very fast, and even when I was no longer stress eating I kept gaining.

The bloating. Well this I do not question really. it began after the baby was dead by my figuring, so I think this was my body trying to deal with it.

The Anti-thyroid Antibodies I have since my Hashimoto's diagnosis and subsequent surgery to remove my remaining thyroid lobe. They are finally down from the 1100's to the low 200's but I wonder if they played a role. My Thyroid Peroxidase Antibodies are only at 22 which is not bad but still I wonder. I am seeing my endocrinologist Thursday to ask her if she will please please run an Antiphospholipid test and a Natural Killer Cells test because either of those, combined with my ATA's could be a cause. I do not think I have Lupus, or the Antiphospholipids, but I really wonder about the NKC's, a lot. I also hope she and my insurance, will let me run the test. I hear it is not done at many labs.

I wonder about a lot, question a lot, but I am trying to not let my head get so loud that I begin to lose the ability to hear the rest of my life. It is why I am putting it all down, to make room for other things.

To make room for the possibility of some good.

the tide...

It ebbs and flows. I am trying to just be the flotsam.
I have been having a calm few days.
No huge breakdowns. No major panic attacks.
I have had a few over-indulgent tantrums for unmerited reasons.
I have eaten junk a couple times.
I have been reclusive. But I have been okay.
I am sure there will be more waves but I am trying to focus on the rythmic motion of this sea.
I am trying to find all my gratitude and not fall into any abyss's.
I am going with the tide and praying to the moon.

anger...

I feel it just beneath the surface, like a whale swimming around in the depths of the ocean and coming up for air briefly, every so often. I am afraid of it fully surfacing. I am afraid if I let it I will end up "beached" and stuck, unable to move past it, like a whale on some deserted distant shore.

I spent so much of my childhood angry. I was a bully in elementary school, angry at the world and beating them up one by one. I was a scrawny toothpick of a kid with a ton of rage. I was kicked out of Girl Scouts for beating up the entire troop on a camp out. I was banned from the Cub Scouts Clubhouse for the same reasons. Mostly I was a hurt kid getting physically and emotionally abused far too often at home, and dying for unconditional love, and taking it out on the world.

Somewhere in my teens it got turned inward, all that anger. Somewhere I began to take it out on myself. I spent a lot of years learning how not to do that anymore. But I am still uncomfortable when anger comes up. I am a long way from taking it out on myself, and the opposite end of the world from hitting another human being, but it never seems to come out right. I still seem to direct it at others unjustly, or at myself unjustly as well. Just in milder, more subtle ways.

I hate when I yell or play the self put-down game.

I hate injustices.

I hate that this happened.

I am angry.

But mostly, I am just sad.

good grief...

Things have been pretty mellow. Some things have come up that are interesting to me.

First off, the further I get from the D&C the more physical pain I have had. It is curious. I had zero pain the first day. A tiny bit of cramps the second. The third day I woke up in what I can only describe as back labor pain. It was awful. It eased up and I was fine until that evening. Now since then I have been having uterine cramping. It usually begins by about 4:30 pm and is on and off all night. I am not sure why but it seems so strange and not at all what I expected. I still have basically no bleeding, although I have had some traces of old blood over the last day. I am doing fine with it all, it is just strange to me.

Second is the emotional. I do pretty well through the day, but as the night comes, and the cramps reminding me, I have been having some difficulties. Over the weekend I basically cried every night for a few hours. The committee in my head going full on with the trash talk and inferiority complex issues. Then last night I began thinking about it. I was really "going through it" feeling like shit and listening to all the bad thoughts and I had this realization. I spent much of my youth and young adulthood depressed. As I got older it came and went, pretty much situationally. I have a long history with depression and know it well. So I was feeling all those old thoughts, of sadness, not being "enough", worry, dread etc. and then I was very aware that I had not felt any of these feelings since before I had Bliss. Since my last m/c to be exact. I then got grateful. I am grateful that depression is not a regular part of my life anymore. I am also grateful that all that I am going through right now isn't depression. It is a process, one that I have to go through. One that I have to ride out, and experience, so that I can get to the other side and heal. So that this crap doesn't get stuffed only to come out at a later date in a bad way.

So I had this realization and it made me OK. On a deeper level I was truly OK. I knew this would hurt like hell, I knew it wasn't going to be fun. I knew it also wouldn't be over quickly, but I knew it would be gotten through. I knew there "was" an other side and that I could make it there. I also knew, that as bad as it was, the reason I am going through it is well worth it.

I am getting through it. I have moments of deep gripping, soul crippling pain, and I have moments of relative normalcy.

I have all of it, and it is simply that part of life none of us can escape.

Grief.

where i am at...

Angel
by Sarah McLachlan


Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

goddess please...

it's late

i can't sleep

i have tried filling the void with food
even when i know how much that won't work


i hate wearing a pad
now the tears are coming non-stop


please someone tell me they had a 5 or more year difference
tell me you were still close
you still have a great sibling relationship
tell me you didn't feel cheated
tell me you forgave your mother
tell me you grew up happy and formed great friendships




i want to give him this so badly
my heart is aching
i need to be able to do this
i need it to happen soon
the fears come rushing back



the doc gave me darvoset
i finally took two
i thought it would help me sleep
shut the committee in my head up
i can't even tell i took any

the first one, way back when
all the pain was wrapped up in fear
fear i would never get to have a child
fear i wasn't good enough

now

this time

it's all wrapped up in fear again
fear i won't be able to be good enough
a good enough mama to my baby boy
a good enough mama to give him a sibling

i know the psych of it all

but that doesn't do shit for this wrenching pain

for these endless tears late at night

for the broken dream

once again

it's done...

I am back home now, it is over.
I was put out for the whole thing.
The doctors and nurses were all surprisingly very empathetic which helped.
I cried a lot.
Bliss is OK, but sad.
I am too.

more info...

Thank you to everyone. It means a lot and your words have all be a balm on my sad heart.

As for the baby, I went in for my second appointment, nothing was out of the ordinary. After the usual stuff the NP did the u/s and I saw no flutter, neither did she. She said she was going to get the doc. I told Bliss, who insisted on being there, that something may be wrong with the baby but that I would be fine, maybe sad but fine. He told me it was OK to be sad. I had to wait about 10 minutes and really wanted to get him out so I had my roomie come in, we finally talked him into going to get me and himself a drink. He didn't want to leave me, he knew I was upset. I have always shown my emotions with Bliss and I was trying to hide them, he was very uncomfortable with that but he finally went.

The doc came in and tried for a long time to find a heartbeat. The thing is, it looked crumpled in there, very dark, no firm form, just crumpled. I knew when I saw that it was dead. The measurements said 7w2d which is only 3 days after my u/s said 2 weeks ago. I think the fact that it measured small before was probably significant, in hindsight.

The doc said I could wait or schedule a D&C. I said I had no idea and would get back to her. I left crying and went to find Bliss at the snack cart. He told me he got "The power of the Sun". Apparently he has seen a Sunny Delight commercial lately, because we do not even have that in our house. I knelt down and told him the baby died, I was crying. He looked at me and told me he wanted to exchange it for another baby. I told him once I was healed we would try for another. I told him I was sad but OK, he said he knew.

Once at home I was jumbled with my emotions, the one thing I kept coming back to was how lucky I was that I had Bliss. When I had my other miscarriage I had not had a kid yet. I thought the universe was telling me I would never get to. I now have a child so it is not quite the same. I am devastated nonetheless, but it is different.

After about an hour I started to have the panic attack stuff. I was worried about freaking out Saturday and not being able to do anything. I have not had even a drop of blood since getting pregnant so I have no idea how long it may take. I also found it strange that now that I was off the progesterone my body was rapidly feeling different. The longer that passes since last nights last progesterone the less I feel such strong symptoms. I also was worried it may take weeks. I called the doc back and she scheduled the D&C for tomorrow at 1pm. The NP also checked with my insurance and genetic testing is not covered. I certainly cannot afford it so there won't be any testing to look for a possible cause.

My roomie took the day off and Bliss knows I have to go into the Hospital for a little bit to take the baby that died out so we can make room for when we try to make a baby again. He said OK and that next time he wants a girl, or two babies. I cried some more but kissed him a lot. He is doing well.

I am all over the place, which is to be expected. I will post more after all of this is through tomorrow.

Again, thank you to everyone.

...

the baby died

out of the mouths..

This morning.

Bliss: "Ewww mom, is that coffee?"

Me: "Yes it is."

Bliss: "But mooooommm."

Me: "What?"

Bliss: "You're pregnant (said perfectly but very slowly), you can't have coffee, it is bad for the baby."

Me: "Bliss I can have a cup every once in a while, but thank you for taking such good care of me and the baby, I will take it back to the kitchen and stop drinking it now. You are such a wonderful little boy."

Bliss: "OK mama."

Me: (In my mind only) ...How the hell does he know that at 4 years old???

food glorious food...

When I was pregnant with Bliss I didn't have many cravings that were intense but I definitely had preferences. I remember really liking eggs which is the case again. But with Bliss I wanted lots of salads, lots of fresh avocado's, and lots of fresh grilled salmon.

The thing is I eat pretty healthy, and since losing all the weight I really ate well. I am not a fast food junkie at all. With this pregnancy so far it is just not the same case. The second day of insemination should have been a warning flag for what was to come. In the past I have always tracked my cervix. I usually only used one vial, as with Bliss, but sometimes I did two and this time was one of those times. I always track my cervix, and know I usually O soon after a positive OPK. I had a feeling the first day I tested positive, that I should inseminate even earlier than I normally would have. I decided to do my first insem. by 2pm on a day where 7am was my first positive. My os was open and all was fine. Doing a solo insem. is tricky and I didn't get it all in my cervix like I usually would when my doula was assisting. I made some adjustments for the next day and felt good about it. To go back a bit I always have a drink the day of an insem. I am not a drinker, but have this thing where I think it helps somehow, probably because I had one the time I had Bliss. I had a glass of champagne that day as well. The next morning I prepared to do a second insem. My roomie took Bliss to a McDonald's right down the street so I could have some privacy after the insem. and help my uterus move the sperm if you get my drift. Well this in itself is huge because I never send Bliss off without me but I was OK, it was 5 blocks. I had a mimosa ready for my after drink. When I did the insem. I was shocked to find my cervix had completely tilted backwards and closed up a bit. I was past my window, the second vial a huge waste of money. I was soooo upset. I did the best I could and then lay with my hips on pillows and had my mimosa. I drank it fast, and I felt it immediately. I called to check on Bliss and roomie asked if I wanted anything. I am not a fan of MD's but I said yes a big mac and ff's and an orange drink. I hung up and poured a second mimosa and cried. They got home and I gulped down the food so fast it scared me. I also finished the second mimosa. She asked if I was still hungry and I said YES!!! She went and got me another big mac and ff's and orange drink combo. I ate the whole thing. In the span of an hour I had eaten enough for a horse and drank more than I had in 6 months. My roomie was stunned and laughing and I declared that drinking was NOT a good thing for a diet. (Before I get flamed, it was in total about 10 ounces of champagne, if that bugs you oh well.)

But since being pregnant the things I want? Well my latest desire is a patty melt. The sad thing is how hard it has been to find a good one in my town. I have no idea why, it is not a complicated thing. I went to 6 places in the last week. One place, a diner, said the had a classic one but it had cheddar cheese and tomato slices. Huh? Hello, a patty melt people. Denny's had one but they had no rye bread, they served theirs on a choice of sourdough or wheat berry. Come on! I finally ordered one from a restaurant that claimed they did it right. It was OK, but they used marbled rye. I don't want someones idea of sprucing something up messing with what is already a great thing. It is simple. You take rye bread, Russian or Jewish rye usually, you use some caramelized onions, some Swiss cheese, and some thousand island dressing. How hard is this? Well apparently here in Sacramento, it is very hard. yesterday we finally ended up at a truck stop diner and they had one the right way, except that when I bit into it there were no onions. I called over the waitress and she apologized and said I had gotten another tables melt and went and got me onions. It was good but in 3 days we had spent $100 eating out. That is NOT an option. So today I made my own, which isn't hard, I had just wanted one made for me. I loved mine today. I also made fries.

It is great that i finally had my meal like I have been wanting, but it doesn't bode well for my hips, thighs, and buttocks. When I was at the store getting the rye bread and Swiss cheese I got some salmon just to assuage my guilt. We will see if it helps. I do still eat yummy veggies and fruit, and also cottage cheese and brown rice and all sorts of healthy things, the problem is that I want this other stuff so much right now. Yesterday at the truck stop I also had desert, cherry pie a la mode. I am a pie maker so it is rare I order one out but I did. It was good, so now I have to make one of those too. I hope this phase is short and I am on to craving lettuce and cucumbers soon.

For now, I am off to make a homemade cherry pie.

the good, the bad, the scary...

So the good news is obvious, I am in fact pregnant and as stated below it is only one, and I saw it's heartbeat. It is also good news that I have another ultrasound on the 8th which is less than 2 weeks away. It is good because I am neurotic.

The bad news isn't really all that bad as much as it is irritating. The sort of bad is that the doc said I was measuring behind my dates. This is an Artificial Insemination pregnancy folks, my dates can't really be off. The doc knows this. I also use frozen sperm so the likelihood of it living for a week before conception is null. To top it all off I tested positive on a digital pregnancy test at 11 dpo so I KNOW that wasn't a possibility. The doc said she is not concerned with the 6 days off and said the ultrasound had a +-7 day accuracy anyhow, but it had to be one little thing to niggle my brain and leave me obsessing as usual. It is also the reason the good news of the second ultrasound is such really good news.

Now for the scary. I got pregnant my second month on Clomid. Since going on Clomid up to now I have gained..... wait for it..... 25 pounds. Since getting pregnant I have gained almost 15. In 8 weeks people. I worked so hard to lose that 70 pounds and I knew I would be gaining much back, but this much, this early on, no, this I was NOT prepared for. So I say to my doc, who I do like a lot, how shocked and alarmed I am to see this much weight gain so fast. She responded by saying "So have you been doing some stress eating while worrying about this pregnancy?" Ya think? I laughed and nodded and she laughed and that was it. I knew I liked her. But seriously folks, I need to really slow this stuff down because this is not OK. I gained 65 pounds when I had Bliss, and it took 4 years to get it off. I really hope to not gain that much with this one, but to do so, I have got to stop eating.

it's in there....

There is a baby.
It has a heartbeat.
There is only one.
I am happy.

my pledge...

The Intactivist's Pledge

I reject circumcision.

For girls. For boys. For women. For men. For every human alive, or who ever lived, or who ever will live.

I reject circumcision because I regret being circumcised. Because I regret having someone else circumcised. Because circumcision is regrettable.

I reject circumcision because my genitals were cut. Because my genitals were not cut. Because I own my genitals.

I reject circumcision because I did not consent to the cutting of my genitals. Because I could not consent to the cutting of my children. Because the doctor did it anyway. Because the old man did it anyway.

I reject circumcision because it did not fool me. Because it did not fool everyone. Not back then. Not now. Not ever.

I reject circumcision because it cannot prevent disease. Because it is a disease. Because it must be cured. Because it must end.

I reject circumcision for better sex. Alone. With another. For any and all sex. For joy.

I reject circumcision because I have suffered. Because others have suffered. For all who suffered. For all who suffered and died.

I reject circumcision because it is a violation of human rights. Of human dignity. Of genital integrity. Of integrity.

I reject circumcision on behalf of myself. On behalf of my children. For the children I love. For the children I'll never know. For the children who will never know to thank me.

I reject circumcision in the name of truth. In the name of medicine. In the name of science. In the name of humanity.

I reject circumcision in the name of beauty. Because it is a mutilation. Because it is an injury. Because it is unnatural. It is ugly.

I reject circumcision on behalf of those traumatized by it. For those who have been wounded by it. For those who did the wounding. For the wound.

I reject circumcision for my family. For Africans. For Jews. For Christians. For Muslims. For Americans. For Everyone.

I reject circumcision for Abraham. For Isaac. For Jacob. For baby Jesus. For the boy Muhammad. For the girl Ayaan.

I reject circumcision done for tradition. Done for the rite. Done for God. Done for power. Done for money. Done because they could. Done always for wrong.

I reject circumcision done for "my own good." For "your own good." For anyone's "own good." Done to fit in. Done for my mother-in-law. Done for no damn good.

I reject circumcision when I'm by myself. When I'm with others. When I'm holding a baby. When I'm making love.

I reject circumcision because I was involved. Because I got involved. Because someone needs to be involved. Because children are involved.

I reject circumcision because it is my right to do so. Because it is my moral duty to do so. Because I am responsible.

I reject circumcision because I should have known better. Because I know better now. Because I help others know better. Now.

I reject circumcision to redeem myself. To redeem others. To redeem a man-made plague of six millennia.

I reject circumcision by speaking up. By speaking out. By blogging and posting and emailing and writing and mailing. Again.

I reject circumcision and I prevented one circumcision. I can prevent ten circumcisions. Or 10 thousand. Or 10 million.

I reject circumcision and when I do, others follow. Because it has to be stopped. Because it will not stop until it is stopped. Because we will not stop. Or be stopped.

This is my Covenant with myself, with my children, and with children everywhere:

I reject circumcision in order to end it.

I am an Intactivist.

(Please copy, post, and distribute freely.)

time...

I am back to misery. I just can seem to find that meditative center of faith in the universe and calm in myself. I am bombarded by "what ifs" and fears. I am also being an all around bitch. I just want to know there is no blighted ovum, to know there is a heartbeat, and to know all is well, so far. I know it is only two more days but it is interminable to me. I go through raging to crying to sulking to sobbing to bitching to pouting.

I know I am doing all I can do to make sure this pregnancy goes well. I am taking the Progesterone, the Vitamins, the Thyroid meds, the water, the greens, the protein. I know this is where I wanted to be for so long. I just cannot stand how many have gone through losses lately and I am petrified. It really is the right word. I feel frozen with fear and it is only making time go by more slowly.

I want to have faith, to instinctively "know" all is well and a babe or two are in fact growing wonderfully inside, or not. I have always been very in tuned with my body. When I had Cancer, I "knew" it beforehand. I have always been very self-aware when it comes to my body and my health. then I had a miscarriage and I lost all faith it seems. It is so against all I believe to lose faith from one incident, it goes against all my teachings. Yet here it is, and here I am, doubting, fearing, and miserable.

I am instead baking, cooking, and eating away my stress which is not a good thing. I just want Thursday to be here. It can't even be Thursday morning, no, it has to be 2:40pm on Thursday for fucks sake.

chosen family...

Stronger than Blood

Community is how I choose where I live.

Community is the women who are there for me
and who want me to be there for them,
the women who are real and present.

They are the women who respect me
and know that they are worthy of
the respect I accord them.


They are the women who make me laugh.
the women who make me cry,
the women who comfort me
instead of walking away
and complaining behind my back;
and they are the women who ultimately
appreciate me doing that for them.

They are glorious, magnificent, gorgeous women.

They are the women who are growing and
looking at themselves,
who dare to speak the truth and show what
they feel.

These are powerful women,
women with strong tears and deep feelings,
women who know themselves and know
their fears,
women face the world with their heads
held high,
and refuse to carry the burden
of society's idea of what a woman should be.

They are passionate, intense and bold.

They listen to the music of their souls,
and follow their heart's desires.

They are the women who walk with eyes wide
open and meet your gaze without flinching.

They are healed and healing.
This is my community.
These are the women who will drum
and sing around my body when I die.

Mikaya Heart - 1995

cramps...

I get cramps. They freak me out. I worry when they get sharp or last a while. Let's face it I worry about every little thing right now. But why is it that when you are pregnant you somehow cannot tell the difference between uterine cramping, round ligament stretching, and tons of gas??

Why?

I get bothered by some small cramps, they start lasting a while and I get a bit more worried. Next thing I know they are really doing a number on me and I am laying down trying to deal with them and not freak out and then POOF I let one or four rip and I feel much better. It is enough to drive me batty, and I have taken to lighting incense just to be able to stand my own presence.





(On an interesting side note. Up until 5 years ago if I ever let one rip in front of a best friend or even a partner I would cry for hours. Pregnancy with Bliss cured me of that phobia. We do use the word "peo" in our house as it does seem to flow easier from my tongue than fart, but nonetheless I have come a long way to be writing about such things in a blog.)

dreams...

Right before I found out I was pregnant I was obsessing on 2ww.com and reading symptoms until I found ones I liked, don't even try to say you don't know what I am talking about. Anyway, I read two different accounts where they said having very restless sleep and I had been having that badly for like 5 days. I thought it was worry and excitement over x-mas for Bliss but it didn't go away after x-mas.

Then that night I had a hetero sex dream. That should have been a red flag, when I was pregnant with Bliss I used to have graphic hetero sex dreams with a 70 year old Chinese man. It would really freak me out.

That nights dream never actually had the act. First, there was an entire montage of accessorizing and individualizing school uniforms (so random) and then there was the hot chick in a towel walking down the hall of the Hotel that I had thought was supposed to be a restaurant. I believe that was my psyche giving me a break and a nod to my dykiness but who knows. It also included 3 guys vying for me and ended with me ditched in the hotel I thought was a fancy restaurant. Oh, and the mob was somehow involved.

Since then I have had many disturbing and offensive dreams. Some have been so upsetting I have refused to go back to sleep upon waking. Most have involved abuse or neglect of my or of Bliss. Some have been of me being tortured or gravely hurt. Some have been of me being extremely neglectful of Bliss, but the worst have been of someone else hurting him. None have been of any other baby, that is until last night.

Last night was a mild dream for me, but it involved the baby and I am willing to share it. In the dream I had the baby, but although labor was pretty icky, when I delivered the baby I was somehow asleep. Then I kept not breastfeeding or feeding then baby at all. I next looked at the gender and it looked like a little girl at first, but then I saw the little penis. There was a vulva and no testes so the baby was, I believe, a hermaphrodite (which would be OK with me). It was confusing though.

Next I was at a betting place/race track with the newborn and my mother (who disowned me and hasn't seen me in 10 years in real life, but who has never been a gambler) and she wouldn't stop to let me take my baby home. I was following her trying to get her to stop walking.

Finally I gave up and turned to leave and there was all these guys being loud and drunk and to my horror the baby got vomited on. I left the track and went into a house I saw to use the kitchen to wash the baby. The baby this entire time kept smiling and remained completely calm and quiet.

Then once the baby was washed he/she smiled and I said "hello Soul" real close to her/his face. Then the baby smiled and started talking to me which was so surprising, I asked how it was that he/she could talk the day of birth and she/he just smiled and said it was normal, others just choose not to.

Then the owner of the house came home and was understandably upset some stranger was in their kitchen, I said sorry and left in a hurry. It was more like the owners kid actually. Next thing I know I was down the block and realized I still hadn't fed the baby and then I realized I had forgotten the baby so I ran back and the boy gave me a big paper bag like you get at a department store.

I looked in and saw a loaf of fresh bakery bread, I picked it up and the baby was underneath, smiling and looking at me. I picked up the baby out of the bag and apologized profusely, the baby said that he/she was fine and I went back down the block. I finally found a place to stop so I could finally nurse her/him and before I ever did I woke up.

THAT was the nicest mellowest dream I have had so far and it was whack. It WAS the first dream with the baby in it but still, come on. Can we say random strangeness?????????????

pleading the fifth...

Progesterone tastes nasty.
Do not ask how I know as I will not tell you.
Trust me, though, that I do.
It is very yucky.
Enough said.

the latest...

I got my latest lab results back, at least the HCG Beta and progesterone.

12,249


14.1


I am not sure how I feel about it. I am not unhappy, but I would be lying if I said I was thrilled. The levels were taken at 30 dpo. The HCG is within normal range, but it is a doubling time of 3.81 days. I know that is considered normal, but most say 3-3.5 days by week 6-7. I am aware I nitpick all this info. I am aware I should just be thrilled, but it is hard.


As for the progesterone, I am not real phased by it, I am taking 100mg vaginally 3 times a day. I know that when taking it vaginally it does not show up in blood work. I do feel it is a good thing I am on the Progesterone, but I have always felt that way.

My Thyroid levels won't be back for a day or two, not that I am concerned. I see my Endocrinologist on Thursday. She is a delight, and I am not really concerned about that at this point.

The following Thursday is now where I am focused. I just need to make it to then without losing my mind or anything growing inside me.

I have a dream.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity.

But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

snot...

I know the science behind it, that the body is made up primarily of water, blah blah blah. But really, how can I produce so much snot. I really do not get it. I blow and blow and blow. I blow until my belly aches, and then I blow some more. I have gone through 2 full boxes of Puffs Plus and there is no end in sight. Right when I got my positive HPT I got a stuffy nose and went through a box then, but about 2 days ago it cleared. Well today it came back with a vengence, and also with major allergies. I have sneezed over 15 times in a row, more than once. I am tired, achy, grumpy, and stuffy.

Tomorrow I get bloodwork done. I doubt I will get any results until Tuesday or Thursday this time. The reason is that this doctor is my Endocrinologist, and she did not order the beta or the progesterone test, I added them to the lab slip. So I have an appointment with her Thursday, but I am not sure I feel comfortable asking for results for the tests I wrote in before the results for those ordered are in. The thyroid tests take 2-3 days to come back. She does have a front desk person who loves me, so we shall see. I am sure I will be trying to get them early, but I am not sure.

One week from this Thursday is my first OB appointment. I should get to see if there is a little one or more that day. I have no idea how I am going to make it until then, but I am sure I will manage somehow.

One minute I feel like I am having various symptoms, the next I feel like I am not. I do seem to be eating more than humanly possible, and get in a panic if too much time goes by between meals. I also keep deep sighing, which could be to increase oxygen intake. I am continuing to pinch my nipples periodically to check that they are still sore, which they are, but they go through more and less sore moments throughout the day. I am also having awful awful dreams that are really disturbing me. I am not even comfortable mentioning what they have been about, but they are very upsetting, and have caused me, on more than one ocassion, not to want to go back to sleep. I will say that they have not involved babies at all, which is also strange.

on telling...

I sit here in fear trying to live minute by minute.

I have lost a baby before through m/c. I know what it is like to have to tell everyone I know that I am no longer pregnant. I have listened to the thoughtful and thoughtless remarks meant to appease an unappeasable pain. I have spiraled down into an almost ridiculous mental breakdown making wildly stupid decisions when in the depths of that pain. I have come out the other side and gotten so lucky and gotten pregnant again and had the joy of having a child.

I went through terror and fear throughout that pregnancy as well. But through that one, and apparently through this one, I tell. It is compulsive. I do not want to. I am afraid to, but I do. I tell everyone. I am not talking close friends and family. I find myself telling the mail person I do not know. I tell the bagger at the grocer. I tell the notary public. I tell the neighbors. I tell.

I wish I didn't. I am honest about this. I wish I didn't. I am so terrified about having to tell everyone the bad news if it comes. I am so worried about how telling will build it up more causing it to make me really fall apart more if the worst happens. I cannot, I will not, I do not have the luxury to spiral down and make stupid decisions when I have a kid. There is no room for that. There is no room for telling everyone before the second trimester. Yet here I am, telling.

In the past week more amazing, strong, wonderful women than I want to even think about have gotten devastating news about their pregnancies ending, or not being viable, or being in a bad way. All of them got pregnant the same month as me. It has been so heartbreaking, and wreaking havoc with my psyche. Yet, through all this, I am still telling.

I am sad tonight.

blocked...

I have written 4 titles and started 4 different posts. I have saved all as drafts. I just can't seem to finish any. I am stuck. This weekend begins the length of time I was pregnant when I had my previous m/c. I am in this frozen state I think. I just want to cocoon until next week. I don't want to do anything until I at least have my blood test results next week.
In other news I am feeling lots of swell things. I am having major dizzy spells today, even though I am eating constantly and resting almost all the time. My hair on my head hurts like crazy. My nipples still hurt, and I feel constantly like I overate. I am happy for every symptom. It is all just little reassurances.
I am sleeping better, I have a system down where when I wake up at 3-4 in the morning I take another progesterone and am able to fall back asleep. It seems like the insomnia with it comes about 4 hours after I take it.

we interrupt this blog for a cuteness break...

I have plenty to post about but haven't gotten to it. I had to post this because well, look at it!

3:47 am.....

It is 3:47 am.
I woke up at 1:30 am.
I am still up.
I am not happy about this.
I just had a mug of warm milk with honey.
I want to get some sleep.
I need to get some sleep.
Please oh please some more sleep.
Here sleep sleep sleep.
Here sleep sleep sleep.