in frozen mode..

I am ok, just in that space before testing when I pull into myself and freeze a bit.

Yesterday we had a wonderful day. We went to Old Sacramento, walked around, got ice cream cones and then took a riverboat ride. After we went out to lunch at a yummy Italian place and came home and crashed. I went to bed at 7pm along with Bliss. I woke up at 1:30 wide awake which was maddening but I finally got back to sleep a little after 3am.

I will likely POAS on Tuesday since my beta is scheduled for Wednesday. As for how I feel I know way better than to put any stock in feelings or lack thereof. I am just in that place of fear right now and it makes me a bit stifled.

I need this to work, I am past want and into the need territory which is never a good thing. The thing is no matter how hard this may be to go through, how hard more losses would be if (please not) they happened again, I cannot stop ttc. I cannot stop until I have a baby in my arms, alive and well. I cannot fail to give my son a sibling (at least one). I was disowned, I have no family. I will not do that to him. He will have siblings who will be around to love him and share the knowledge of my love for them long after I am gone. He will have family that knows how beautiful unconditional love is and can be. He will have this no matter what.

So while part of me at times wants to bemoan how hard this is, how painful it is, how I wake up gripped with fear often and doubt myself in tons of ways. How I have lost so many friends to IF and it has created, in many ways, a shell of a person in me, I cannot stop. It is not an option. So I wait, and hope, and light candles, and think positive thoughts, and go on with my life as best I can, and wait for Wednesday to tell me what comes next in this journey.

Not that this song really had lyrics that fit it has been running around in my head lately.

musings from the bed...

So I have been mostly laying down all day long. bliss has been terrific with it and really gets that I need to take it easy for a few days. One of the positives of him being five and a half.

Watching movies and TV though is not conducive to healthy eating. I have been back on the good diet for two days and then I saw it. The damn Breyers peach Ice cream commercial. I mean, come on!! I am not made of steel here. then I told roomie about it and suddenly she had to have it too. So I had it and omg was it oh so so so good. they are a smart company. Make amazing all natural peach ice cream that is super creamy and advertise right before peach season when it is just upon us and we are dying for that first true taste of summer. The rest of the day followed with potato chips and onion dip (with carrots too) and then toast and Kashi cereal with milk AND half and half and buttered toast on the side. I had warm milk and honey before bed.

See, all or nothing girl. UGH. I am not beating myself up over it, I will start again tomorrow and see how it goes. I am planning on making a healthy coconut chicken soup for dinners for the rest of the week on Thursday and will have fresh salmon tomorrow. I am being easy on me about it all, I just find it so ridiculously predictable of me.

I also watched an amazing documentary Hear and Now. WOW it was so moving and so bittersweet on so many levels.

Oh and I have been tweaking things on the blog. I finally figured out how to change the wording for comments thanks to a push from Michell and a quick search. I chose to make it say Om's because it is the sound of creation, my sons middle name, and the perfect thing for commenting, IMO.


P.S. here is a link to the Thai Chicken-Coconut Soup for Sam.

random scary stuff...

So I have been using Method products for a while. Bliss really likes their foaming hand soap and I like it too. It uses less and is environmentally friendly. I also like that I can by refills for it. I used to use Soft Soap and have a refill bottle left over that is about half full. I only use it in both bathrooms for hand washing. In the kitchen I use only Seventh Generation.

A little background info. I think dirt is good. I think the over sanitizing of our homes and our kids has led, in part, to the alarming rise in asthma rates along with all sorts of other things. I am smart with raw meats and I think hand washing after going potty is important but beyond that I am not too picky. I did start using a pump soap dispenser after having Bliss as I DO think hand washing is extremely important when there is a newborn in a home. I made everyone visiting wash their hands too.

All that said, it is the only soap in the house that is antibacterial. I am pretty against Purell for widespread use and feel it is harmful when used often.

OK ,so today I was washing my hands and using the SoftSoap because I have been trying to use it up so as not to waste while only using the Method for Bliss. Anyhow I look down at the little pump bottle as I am sudsing my hands and notice the back label. The very top says in big letters Drug Facts.

Let that sink in.

DRUG FACTS.

That means it has ingredients that are classified as drugs and must be labeled as such.
Does anyone realize how much our skin absorbs chemicals?????

I once worked as a horse groom and we would give Regumate to Mares to cycle them how we wanted for breeding. It was a liquid medicine you gave with a big syringe without a needle in their mouth (a drench). It is essentially progesterone. Anyhow my friend who was the trainer never wore gloves and as a result of some of the liquid hitting her hand, which she would wash after, she lost her period for almost 6 months. We had another friend, who was a vet, lose her cycle for almost 2 years. The hands absorb, a lot.

So back to the soap. I am blown away by just now noticing this. I have been washing my hands with drugs.

Ugh.

I think I will stick to Method and good old Dr. Bronners.

show and tell...

This is my first show and tell. I have been planning it a while but wanted to wait until today to add the new one.

Every transfer day at my clinic you are awarded a crown with your name on it. It is to remind you that you are a princess and to make sure you get the royal treatment for the week of transfer.

The top one is from today, the bottom left is from my FET and the bottom right is from my IVF#1.

I love that they do this and it really touches me each time.

Today one PA waved a wand over my belly after, it was a magic wand with a star shape on top. I always say the little light that shows on the u/s when the transfer looks like a little star in my womb so she used the star wand instead of the heart one.

The docs wife, who has retired to be home with her girls, came in today just for my transfer and to support me. After she gave me a Guatemalan Hope Doll for luck as well.

There was lots of hugs and love all around.

I am truly lucky to have these people taking part in such a truly important part of my life and such a hard part as well.

Click here to see more of Show and Tell that Mel puts together each week.

transfer...

I am home. The transfer went well as they usually do. Bliss was brought in for the transfer itself and was adorable as always. He kissed my head and said "you're gonna be ok mama" which is precious.

There were three 8 cell grade 2 embryo's and one 4 cell grade 2 put in which was the other that caught up a little so they put it in as well. I am happy about that.

My beta is to be done on June 4th. I am home laying down and taking it easy.

Thanks so much for all the support this week. It really does help so much to know I am not alone and so many amazing woman are sending their amazing energy my way. I feel it, I truly do.

Much love and light to all.

news...

I sort of refused to get up this morning until I got the call. They called at 9:02.
The 2 that were good yesterday still are and are at 4 cell stage. One of the other 2 fertilized normally and is at 2 cell stage. The other they are still waiting to see if it does anything. So as it stands today it looks like I will be transferring 3 but I am still hoping for a 4th.

I also got bumped up to 10:00am so I get to be the first transfer of the day. This is great because it means no waiting with a full bladder because of someone running late.

Last fresh IVF they got 11. Of those 5 had fertilized normal and 3 abnormal the same way with extra sperm and three were wait and sees. Of those 3 two caught up. So I am pretty much the same as last time but on a smaller scale since they got fewer this time.

The past two days have been spent in a homemade mac 'n cheese, homemade angel food cake and pancake stupor. Last night I tossed away all extras and was planning on getting back to my diet today. Since I refused to wake this morning while Bliss played with roomie (he calls her his aunt which I love) they decided to cook for me. Bliss and I have been cooking together more and more lately. So when I did get up fresh pancakes were waiting for me. To be honest they were the last thing I wanted. I have been feeling awful in my tummy for two days, but I ate them and raved. Bliss was so thrilled. So tomorrow it will be back to the strict eating and I am not sure but maybe we will have pizza for lunch today to go out with a bang. I have zero interest in weighing myself to see the damage I have done in 2 or will be 3 days.

tech question...

I have gotten some wonderful compliments on my new look here. I really like my blogs new look as well. Funny it is the first time I didn't do a poll about it too.

Anyhow I want to make the header clickable but do not seem to know how. If anyone knows could you let me know. I would most appreciate someone looking at my page source and then showing me exactly where and what to type as I am ok at some parts of changing stuff I am NOT good at HTML code stuff at all.

Thanks.

fertilization report...

I just got the call.
2 fertilized abnormally with more than one sperm entering so they are discarded.
2 fertilized normally.
2 they are waiting to see if they fertilize.

I am scheduled for ET at 10:45am on Monday.

Not happy.

back home...

I just got home. The retrieval went fine as far as the surgery. They got 12-15 follicles but only 6 eggs. I sobbed for about 30 minutes after the surgery in the clinic. The doc and embryologist finally came in together later and talked me down. they were great.

I am bummed but trying to just remain positive.

I will likely go on day 3 for transfer now. I will write more when I get the fertilization report tomorrow.


Oh, and I am currently eating pancakes, sausage, and hashbrowns. It is for comfort and I really don't give a shit right now.

triggered...

So I just took my trigger shot. It always gets super hot after I give the HCG shot. Doc says I react to the bacteriostatic agent and it is common but it is strange.

My ER is scheduled for 9:30am Friday, I am to be there at 9am. I am half excited, half nervous, and half afraid. Yes I said halves and not thirds, it is because I am just that much overwhelmed. ha ha ha

I am not actually overwhelmed, I am just, as usual and as is everyone in this place, wanting this to work so badly. It is like you try to steel your heart and pump it up all at the same time.

Bliss tonight was talking all about the babies and how he wants two, a boy and a girl. I went over (as I always do) how it could be just one and it could be either gender and even if we get two it could be either and it could also be none. He said he knew but if that happened we would just try again because "we will never quit!!!!!!!" I agreed with him and kissed him and then he talked about how much he wanted a baby and how much he wanted a brother and a sister. It is so very bittersweet and it fulfills me and breaks my heart all at the same time.

I am doing well still on the food/weight loss front. I have lost 17 pounds and that is with likely bloat gain from the meds. I made some awful oatmeal/tofu/egg white pancakes this morning just to try and curb my craving I have been happening as ER/ET gets closer and while they were not very good they did curb it a bit. For dinner I has some light soup and 5 rye crisps lightly buttered with fresh strawberries for desert. I am allowed and I stayed well within my calorie range for the day but see I have not had crackers, even rye ones, at all this month and I really do think it was because of the oatmeal pancakes that I wanted them. Carb begets carb, carb-like begets carb-like.
I am motivated though as I see the weight continue to drop. I still cannot say if this next 7 days will include any trips to IHOP or not but I am ok with not making that decision just yet.

targeted for spite...

So apparently I am to be booed and hissed at for chocing to have a child with donor sperm. Last night while googling about embryo adoption (as I am about to embark on another IVF I like to look at my alternative options for down the road should this not work) and I came upon a site. It is apparently a site very much against donor just about anything. Then to my amazement I find I am listed on the blog list as a baddy.

Here is a link.

Children Have Rights - Say No to Repro Tech

I am kinda part speechless and part just so uninterested in even involving myself with it but it was still pretty sad.

There are actually a few others from my own blog list listed as well.

BTW the owner of the site is NOT a child of DI or any other "repro tech" as she calls it.

cd9 u/s...

I just got back from the clinic. Everything looked good. I have grown my follies a bit faster than last time (I am on higher doses) so my ER is scheduled for Friday.

My left side was hiding as usual but this time he ended up doing a belly u/s to see it. It seems it sits on top of my uterus so it is not easy to see trans-vaginally since the wave has to go through the uterus to see it. At least we saw it.

Left (a bit obscured still so there may well be more)
19x17
21x15
18x14
19x13
3<10

Right
20x19
21x10
18x14
14x16
12x9
14x14
14x12
19x15
15x11
21x16
4<10

He wants to give me a tiny bit more time to grow so I will trigger Wednesday night and then have my ER Friday. I am happy although I worry about the bigger ones a bit, he wasn't though. So ET will be 3-5 days after than and I will have AH for either a day 3 or a day 5 although day 5 would have an earlier hatch. They were also all so impressed with the weight loss. I have seen it slow over the past 2 days from the water retention from the stims but I have also noticed I can't pee as much even though I am still drinking a ton of water.

I am still undecided about pancakes for transfer day. I want them but I am SUCH an all or nothing kind of person and I am so afraid it will trigger shitty eating for the days after that. We shall see. It is sad that there is an IHOP right across from his office and another right down the street from me.

ramble on...

So I changed it again. I am in that place of being restless and anxious and irritated all at the same time.

I have never before used Gonal-f. I always used Follistim. I am currently using both thanks to some amazing women who were so thoughtful. My doc thinks it is amazing, this community. he even reads some blogs now which I adore him for. We get to discuss all things blog world at my visits.

Anyhow I have never used it and it is really strong smelling. Has anyone else noticed that. I never smell the Follistim though. Strange.

I also do not know if anyone has had mood side effects from Gonal-f. I seem to either be having more Lupron bitchiness or I am having effects from the Gonal-f. I am just so overwrought about every damn little thing. I feel so put upon at times it is sick. Like for normal everyday things. It is making me nuts and my poor child. I just keep saying "mama is cranky now and please know she is no fun and sorry" and he is great but it is just not fair to him. This morning I was so upset for no reason and I told him after I got off the treadmill that I was going to have breakfast and then a bath and try to get out of my cranky mood. He said "you know what you have to do to not be cranky anymore mama, you have to cry."

He is soooo amazing. It also goes back to the day after he was born. We were in the hospital and he was crying a bunch and it was the first time I was unable to soothe him and I was on the verge of sobbing and holding it in to not upset him and a friend came by and said "stop doing that, let him experience all of you" and I began bawling and he was instantly quiet and soothed. It just amazes me he still is so intuitive with it.

Anyhow I am doing much better but really would like the no-feeling bitch stuff to stop. I am usually a huge empath and on these drugs it is like it leaves which is just so NOT me it is hard to be in my skin at times.

Anyhow tomorrow we celebrate Aunt's Day (our own tradition, I only remember it if it is the week after Mother's day) and we shopped today and had a nice time.

Oh and I almost forgot, as of yesterday I have lost 15 pounds. I am also doing the treadmill again 3-4 days a week. The sad part is I am now just really at my previous high.

Monday is my cd9 ultrasound.

Funny, I was going to make this a 2 sentence post.

great article...

Joy from The Other Shoe wrote an article at Trusera recently titled "Support Your Local Infertile." It is about supporting infertile friends and it is the single best article I have ever come across on the subject. It is thorough and thoughtful and so accurate.
Here is a link.

View Journal Entry

my wish to you...

I wanted to take a moment to say Happy Mother's day to each and every woman out in this IF blog land. It may seem trite coming from me since I have been lucky and have a child but each woman I read in this IF world is a mother to me. A mother in spirit, a mother in desire, a mother in loss, a mother in hope in nurturing that hope and caring for it. Every woman is a wonderful, thoughtful, caring woman and mother and I hope this day brings love from somewhere. Yourself, your partners or your friends.

Much love and light and peace.

Bleu

u/s today...

I had another u/s today to make sure my lining had bled out. It had. Seeing doc made my day as usual. I had 4-5 antral follies on each side which made me happy since it means lefty is not being the pain it seems to often be. He also told me the antral count is more of a picture of the past, or exact moment ad not foretelling of what we will get so I have high hopes. OK maybe not really but I have this fantasy of producing 20 follies.

I crack myself up.


I am doing much better today as far as mood. I have FINALLY been back doing the treadmill and that I am sure is helping. I also have more energy as a result so today I mowed front and back yards, did grocery shopping. I got a lot done. I have lost 12.5 pounds in the last 9 days also which is a good thing. I am still, obviously, doing the super strict eating thing but I am having my Fage yogurt every other morning with granola and agave syrup (very little of each). I am also having homemade Daal almost every night for dinner, and I make it spicy. The doc said to keep doing what I am doing because of my great results. Still no bread and rice only about twice a week. They have these new frozen organic dinners at the market called Organic Bistro and I picked up a couple for emergencies when I am busy, starving, and behind and they are so yummy. I only have one or two a week but it is nice to find something healthy and delicious in a frozen meal. I am tracking every calorie in an online food log and keeping them pretty low (900-1600) but eating lots of healthy stuff. Lots of fresh fruit and salads and fresh salmon. I love salmon, I could go on and on about how much. I got this new panini/grill/waffle maker and it makes the best salmon ever.

Anyhow I start stims on Sunday and then things will really get underway.

Oh and I swear I smile every time I look down at that pic of him, my gawd he is so cute.

OK I started worrying about posting and not seeing that kissy face so I made it the profile pic for a while.

speaking too soon...

I have been on 5 units of Lupron for 3 days, down from 10.
Today, yes today, the Lupron bitch came.
I am an angry bitch trying not to be and this time roommate got the brunt of it.
The sad part is I don't care, or the Lupron makes me feel like I don't.
I know somewhere inside I do I just cannot access it currently.

better...

I am doing much better today. I had my last Lupron 10 shot today and go down to 5 starting tomorrow. I have been lucky with no headaches this time. Not too bitchy but a few definite outbursts.

I am also doing better with the bathroom stuff. It is still happening but not like it was.

I am bleeding but it hasn't gotten full force quite yet.

I have also been doing really good on the food front. I have lost 7 pounds this week which was encouraging.

Bliss is awesome as usual, he really gets me through it all, just looking at him. I am so lucky. He still talks about a brother and a sister almost daily and is very happy we get to try again. I talk to him about how we will keep trying and eventually we will find a way to have it happen but that it may just be one. He says ok. He is just amazing.

I also cut 6 inches off his hair this week and gave him a shag. It is cute but I miss the length. The above picture doesn't really show it but I had to post it for obvious reasons.

We have this thing with sharing strawberries. He takes a bite then feeds me the rest. It is one of our special things. Anyhow this week we went to an Alpaca Farm and on the way home stopped and picked up half a flat of very very sweet and very ripe strawberries so we have been eating them daily. He is doing this new thing where he will take a whole one and try to feed it to me and I say "no sweetie you" and he says "oh no, I insist, you" and then it goes back and forth from there and ends when finally we share it. It has been cracking me up to no end. I have no idea where the phrase came from but it is adorable. he is such a thoughtful being.

Anyhow that is how my suckiness is always good anyways.

moaning...

I would love to go on and on about how grateful I am that so far I have not gotten a Lupron headache, and I am happy about it but so many other things are going on it is overshadowed.

I have the lack of patience associated with the Lupron for sure, not all out bitch yet but definitely some crankiness. Added to that is the spotting since my body id desperately wanting to bleed but the BCP is stopping it so I just spot bright red all day. Today was my last BCP thank Goddess because over the last week I have woken up at 4am on four different occasions due to dreams of me bleeding gallons of thick (think tempura paint) blood from different orifices of my body. These have NOT been fun and have disturbed me to no end.

Then today I began having serious Metformin side effects. I am back on it 2 days now and back on a strict eating regimen as well and oh, ow, for fucks sake I am in pain from all the time I am spending in the bathroom. I did not have this side effect last time I was on it so this is new to me. I got out the A&D ointment already and am hobbling around the house feeling totally wiped out. It should get even more fun tomorrow or the next day with the heavy bleeding starts.

Still I would happily do all of this AND have the Lupron headache, AND have many more side effects if it means getting to try to get pregnant and actually get a take home baby from all of it.
I simply want to bemoan all of it here for a little bit because it makes me feel better.

And how is your day going?

it has begun...

(for my own records this try will be try # 18)

I love my doc. I feel like I can never say this enough. Just seeing him today when I went in for my baseline u/s made me feel so good. He is truly a great man and I am so lucky to have him for my doc. He is so present when I am there. He listens and really hears me. He cares so much and it shows.

My u/s was fine. My left ovary was hiding as usual but with me pushing in and down it showed up. My lining is thick so I am starting Lupron today and will go off BCP Sunday. I will go back for another lining check on the 9th just to make sure it has thinned out.

I came home and gave myself the Lupron shot. I am lucky in that I only have to be on 10 units for 5 days and then I can go down to 5. Lupron makes me very cranky (as Bliss puts it) and the idea of being on 10 units for over 10 days was terrifying.

I am going to post my protocol because I am always interested in this stuff. It will also be an easy way to refer to it myself.

5-1 start Lupron 10 units in the AM
5-2 start back on Metformin 850 2 times a day
5-3 take last BCP
5-6 drop to Lupron 5 units in the AM
5-11 start Follistim 225 units AM and 225 units PM
5-11 start Menopur/Repronex 150 units in the PM
5-11 start Dexamethasone 1mg in the AM for 90 days
5-19 go in for CD9 u/s

I also take:
Aspirin 81mg daily
DHEA daily
B-100 with 800 Folic Acid daily
Vit. D 1000 daily
Flax Seed 1200 daily
Vit E plus Selenium daily
Calcium 1000 daily

I have also begin the low cal/low insulin diet again. I am trying to put myself in a slight ketosis state (a state of losing weight) for this cycle.

This is the highest I have been on of stims. Doc said at 600 the receptors are at their saturation point and that beyond that is wasting money. It is 75 units a day more than last time. I guess that is not a huge difference but for some reason it feel like it. I am also doing the twice a day thing which I didn't do last time so that feel interesting too. I am glad belly shots do not even phase me otherwise it would be stressful.

I also have the PIO in Ethyl Oleate on order to be sent when the time is right. I cannot stress enough how much that changed things for me and how much less pain was involved with that. The PIO in sesame just builds up until I have lemon sized lumps that literally crippled me last time.

I am also fortunate that between stuff I had extra and the amazing kindness of friends and strangers alike I only have had to order 4 things from the pharmacy and all of these were cheap or insurance covered items. Thanks to each of you, you know who you are, it has really made such a difference.

So that is the news. I am beyond relieved it has started. I told doc I want 2, my 2 babies back and he said he would definitely put in an order for that.

review...

Choosing You
Deciding to have a Baby on My Own

by Alexandra Soiseth




I enjoyed so much in this book. The author writes about her struggles with her weight and food issues throughout the book. She does it so well, so intensely and with such painful truth. I was really drawn in to her honesty which I related to so deeply. She could have written an entire book on just this subject but she tied it to her struggles with relationships, her struggles for acceptance from others and herself. She ties it in later to her parenting as well. She is raw and real and I loved reading about it all.

She also writes about building a family, a chosen family, long before even having her own child. I related to this part as well. She also writes about her struggles with her own family. I was impressed with her ability to really look at herself honestly. To call herself on her crap and get honest with herself about her reasons for her life's choices up to then.

She does not struggle with the biology of getting pregnant, she does, however struggle with the decision.

I want to take a moment here to address this aspect of the book. I read this book as an SMC book, not necessarily a IF book. Here is the thing though. For anyone who is choosing to become an SMC or is LGBT there is IF issues. As a lesbian I am "sperm challenged" before I ever start. I have had to let go of plenty of fantasies long ago while other SMC's struggle with that as the decide to become an SMC. Gay couples unable to birth a child of shared biology grieve as do hetero couples faced with donor sperm or eggs. All of this makes me believe that these issues all fall under an IF umbrella.

The authors ease/luck with getting pregnant I related to because it was that way with Bliss. I got lucky first try back after a m/c. I was not bothered by her ease of getting knocked up.

I was bothered by her doctor's ignorance about conception. He made a comment after her IUI that "it happens very quickly...within minutes." Uh hello??


I thoroughly enjoyed reading about her journey to find herself while making the decision to have a child on her own. It IS a process and she writes about it well.

Her issues with choosing sperm were food for thought.

Her writing about when her parents came after the birth was wonderful, the wanting someone to help, to make it better, the terror of not thinking you can do it and being so afraid you made a mistake I wish she had realized how many hormones were swirling making all this so much harder but she got through it with her parents so beautifully, in fits and starts and messily like life is.

Here is where it gets tricky though. I do not believe a donor is a daddy, a father maybe but a daddy, no. Every child of donor sperm I have ever seen or read about that had issues around it also usually was an only child and had a parent that "wished it were otherwise" and viewed the donor as daddy.

I think this is where trouble begins, this is my opinion.

I truly loved this book until the last ten pages. This is where it falls apart for me. She seems to be saying she got her second choice, and maybe for her that is true. I just cannot relate and it sounds so awful to me. She contradicts herself when she says how she thought/hoped she would have a hubby by now and that at the same time maybe she never truly wanted one.

I came to realize how much I was meant to be a SMC many years ago. I could never, EVER compromise my parenting beliefs. I have a lot of childhood baggage and it became very clear to me I had to raise my child never dealing with the things I did. I have watched so many parents go through custody battles and argue over discipline issues. I know for me I was meant to do this on my own. I am so grateful for it happening like this because I do not think I would have been half the mother I am today if it happened any other way.

She is such an unbelievably strong woman and it breaks my heart that she ends this triumphant story of self discovery and determination saying she is fundamentally broken instead of seeing just how whole she has become. I wanted to shake her and tell her it will become a HUGE issue for her child if she doesn't get past it herself.

All in all I would recommend this book for many reasons. It was an enjoyable read that brought up so many things about becoming a parent and becoming a whole person. About family being what we are born with and what we create for ourselves. About love and faith in oneself.