Saturday, May 31, 2008

in frozen mode..

I am ok, just in that space before testing when I pull into myself and freeze a bit.

Yesterday we had a wonderful day. We went to Old Sacramento, walked around, got ice cream cones and then took a riverboat ride. After we went out to lunch at a yummy Italian place and came home and crashed. I went to bed at 7pm along with Bliss. I woke up at 1:30 wide awake which was maddening but I finally got back to sleep a little after 3am.

I will likely POAS on Tuesday since my beta is scheduled for Wednesday. As for how I feel I know way better than to put any stock in feelings or lack thereof. I am just in that place of fear right now and it makes me a bit stifled.

I need this to work, I am past want and into the need territory which is never a good thing. The thing is no matter how hard this may be to go through, how hard more losses would be if (please not) they happened again, I cannot stop ttc. I cannot stop until I have a baby in my arms, alive and well. I cannot fail to give my son a sibling (at least one). I was disowned, I have no family. I will not do that to him. He will have siblings who will be around to love him and share the knowledge of my love for them long after I am gone. He will have family that knows how beautiful unconditional love is and can be. He will have this no matter what.

So while part of me at times wants to bemoan how hard this is, how painful it is, how I wake up gripped with fear often and doubt myself in tons of ways. How I have lost so many friends to IF and it has created, in many ways, a shell of a person in me, I cannot stop. It is not an option. So I wait, and hope, and light candles, and think positive thoughts, and go on with my life as best I can, and wait for Wednesday to tell me what comes next in this journey.

Not that this song really had lyrics that fit it has been running around in my head lately.

4 om's.:

The Town Criers said...

This is that determination we were talking about--why I always see the future Bleu with more than one child. I think it is a beautiful thing that you have such clarity in your goal and you are willing to go through hell and high water to reach there. It must also be maddening to have that goal somewhat out of your control, but I think it simply makes your determination more filled with awe.

bleu said...

Aww thanks (she says through tears)
It doesn't always feel good for sure, sometimes it just feels downright crappy.

tobacco brunette said...

I really admire your determination and willingness to go through all of this in order to give Bliss what you didn't have. I'm thinking of you often and channeling many hopeful and positive thoughts into Wednesday's results. Hang in there, hon. I know this has been a tough road.

PS I love that song.

Kymberli said...

The determination for Bliss is what will get you through this. I hope and pray that your fight will not be much longer (or harder).

That's one of my favorite Madonna songs...probably one of my favorite Madonna albums. You might feel frozen, but your heart is surely open and it is warm.