ultrasound # 5,289...

I had my u/s today. All was good on the uterine front. No cysts, 4-5 antral's on the right and 5-6 on the left. The left finally has more than the right for once and it didn't hide too too much so that was good.

I fell apart a bit at the clinic though. I weighed myself today in anticipation of starting strict again tomorrow. Lose 18, gain back 23. New all time high. People before you go tell me not to get down on myself I am going to do what I NEVER do.

Weight prior to Bliss average 170-190 depending. I am 5'9" and was happy with 175, always pretty much have been, yes I have been super thin but came to be very happy at 175. Weight when got pregnant with Bliss after previous m/c, 185.

Weight on day I had Bliss 250. Weight few months later 214, then up and up and up with thyroid problem and lying doc (see archives) and subsequent surgery.

Weight 6 months after thyroid surgery 187. Weight when got pregnant 4 month later 195. Weight 2 months later when miscarrying 235. Weight 3 months later 250.

Weight before started diet before last IVF 268.5.

Weight when I did most recent IVF 251.

Weight today 273.

There I said it, never thought I would write that but there it is.

I HATE HATE HATE seeing these numbers, I hate being this way. I never yo-yoed even if I always was a bit bog. Now it is just worse and worse. You know why you only see pictures of Bliss on here, well one guess. I am humiliated to see me, I do not recognize me. Yes I am fortunate I can lose, but I cannot sustain the loss.

So please, I love the support, but I am at a weight that is detrimental to my health, I do not feel good health wise at this weight. I have shame at this weight and harbor secret feelings I can never get pregnant at this weight.

I will start again tomorrow and tr to figure it out. Doc was great today, I showed him an old pic (Michell you know the one) and cried. He said it was easier to keep weight off or maintain at lower weights, and I said sobbing "that was me" he countered with "that is still you" which touched me a lot, but I have to get this thing under control. I want to be a role model to Bliss, not an embarrassment. Anyhow I am happy to be starting back, but a little emotional today.

Stims start July 16 with my cd9 u/s the 23rd. I should be having my ER the 27 or 28.

temps...

I would really like to know why I cannot keep a stable body temp to save my life. I am only on BCP and I am so over heated one moment, like long enduring hot flashes, then I am cold and need a blanket. It is so old. It isn't really that big a deal but I felt like bitching.

I watched P.S. I Love You, the movie, last night. I had other plans (ahem) but ended up watching that instead. I adored the book. The movie was nowhere near as good as the book, but it is usually that way. I read an interview with the author Cecelia Ahern where she said she felt the movie got the spirit of the book and I think that is true. Anyhow, while watching, because I knew the book so well it was like I added in the extra emotion from the book. I cried a hard deep sobbing cry. I also had a pear cider while watching. Then after I got ready and went to bed.

Note to self, do not watch huge tear-jerker while consuming rare alcoholic beverage right before bed. I woke up with this pain in my brow that was beyond awful. I took ibuprofen (ha, take that) and laid down some more after getting Bliss breakfast but ouch ouch ouch. The entire rest of the day I just wanted to sleep.

Uterus check Monday, will write more after.

lollipop goldstein...

In honor of Lollipop Goldstein I have dedicated this song.

wow... (updated)

I am so thankful and amazed at the kindness in this IF world. Well, not really amazed, there are such fantastic women here. I now have all the meds I need for this IVF cycle. Thanks so much for all the kindness and thoughtfulness.

Thanks to Mel for helping get the word out too. It really does make such a difference. I also feel like there is such good juju with each med being filled with the love and hope of others that it will make this cycle all that much more special.

Thank you again.

Update: I just want to say that I may not have all in hand yet but have heard from enough wonderful people that all I need is either en route or soon will be.

a blogiversary that has really made a difference...

I posted this in comments on Mel's blog but wanted to say it here too.

Dear Melissa,

It was actually a shock to me to find out you had only been here 2 years to tell the truth. When I found your blog it was from hearing you mentioned here and there, I even avoided it for a bit thinking it was some commercial site just because of how many people commented on it or mentioned it. I thought it was something like babycenter maybe, I wasn't sure.

When I first clicked on it I was overwhelmed. Soooo much info, and good info too. Then when I started reading I found out about the community, the people who came together. I read all the time but never, ever commented. I thought the site had been around for years and that the commenter's were a clique and I felt very outside the loop.

But then, like I know every person on that blog roll has experienced, you reached out. You made some thoughtful comment, you listened and heard me. (I for one think you have always been aces at listening)
You made me feel like I got picked for the cheer squad or something.

I started reading more and more, and visiting other blogs a bit more. It was still overwhelmed though, but any time I got a comment from you I was so moved.

Then this last year the L&F came out and I was in heaven. It brought the people so much closer together, made it more close knit. It gave me a way to really meet people without using the very intimidating blog roll page. I had clicked certain categories but that was so selective. L&F was so inclusive. I became an avid reader and commenter. I tend to send a hug when I am not sure what to write. I like the "I am listening" idea. Suddenly from me visiting more and commenting more I had more visitors. Suddenly I was "heard' more which helps so much in this struggle.

Then one day I realized I never comment on your blog. I write emails as much as I feel I can without getting stalker-ish, but I never commented. I even wrote you about it. Then I started using the RSS feeds and the Readers, like you suggested, and life changed once again. Thanks again for your suggestion.

You are a leader, a bringer together of community on such a hugely significant level. You have created a village, one with so many differing backgrounds coming together. So many women voicing their thoughts, their fears, their pain and their joy. You have created a safe place in the storm we are all enduring. You have educated and inspired, enlightened and made joyous so many of us.

Thank you so much Melissa, you have made a HUGE difference in my life.

show and tell...

This year Bliss decided he wanted to get me jewelry. I truly have such an amazing child. Anyhow I do not wear much by way of jewelry and have pretty specific tastes. I wanted him to be able to choose something I could wear all the time and he kept telling me to get the doily heart thing he saw in the Target display case. Um, no.

So when we went to Old Sac and had the boat trip we stopped by a favorite store and I saw this.

Bliss' middle name is Om. His name means "the creation of bliss". He also regularly chants his middle name as we try and do meditation and breath work together.

So his aunt (roomie) helped him "find" this pendant and he choose it and then he kept it a secret for over a week, which is not easy for him or any 5 year old.

The morning of my birthday he went out with his aunt and got me flowers and a coffee drink and came home and presented me with cards, flowers, coffee and this. I just love it. It has the Chakra stones and Bliss keeps telling me it will make me healthy, it will help us have a baby, and it will make me feel better.

I knew I wanted this for show and tell so I have been patient and waited to share about it too.

See he is helping mama grow too.


I also could not see Mel's Show and Tell post and not post my own ring story.

I have always told anyone who would listen that Bliss was every wish on every star and every coin tossed in every fountain throughout my entire life.

It is true, from childhood all I used to wish for was a child of my own. So when I came across this ring a few years back I absolutely had to have it.

The front has a star and reads "I made a wish" and the inside reads "and you came true".

I simply adore it.

belated birthday wishes...

I would have sworn today was the day, but I guess this just goes hand in hand with my lost mind.

YESTERDAY was Michell's birthday. She was the only actual phone call I got on my birthday wishing me a happy day. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go over and wish her belated wishes. She is a really wonderful and kind person I have been fortunate to actually meet irl.

losing my mind... (updated at the bottom)

I have proof how fast my mind is going.

Like most people I go through reading phases. I am currently in one. There is nothing like getting in the tub and reading a good book. It is one of the things I do as a treat to myself. I recently decided to splurge and ordered many books from a second hand dealer. I am currently on an Alice Hoffman kick and also really love Cecelia Ahern and Jennifer Weiner. I was reading Isabel Allende a lot a while back but have been in the mood for lighter fair recently.

So on to my lost mind. Certain Girls came out which is a sequel to the book of hers Good In Bed. All I know who read Good In Bed adored Cannie and her struggles with so many things. I very much related to her body image and food struggles and loved her spunk.

Anyhow, I had been looking for a cheap copy of the book which is much harder when it is a recently released book and finally decided to splurge a bit (I like to own books not borrow or lease) and just order it from Amazon at the best price I could find. Well I was so looking forward to getting it around my birthday and spending a few nights in the bath losing myself in Cannie's world. It arrived the day before my birthday and I was thrilled, I tore open the package and immediately yelled "CRAP!!"

You see my fine friends, apparently I had ordered the audio book and now am the very disgruntled owner of a 5 CD set of the book. Like meme's I do NOT do audio books. I want my inners voices and imagination to read and get lost in a book, not someone elses.

I could swear I ordered an actual book but I went back and checked, and in all caps it says on the description AUDIO BOOK. I am old people and my mind is fading fast. It is a sad state of affairs.

So I put it out to all of you, if anyone would like to trade an audio book version of Certain Girls for the book form PLEASE let me know.

In other news I am down to needing only 1-2 Follistim 900 vials, 2-3 Ganirelix syringes, and trigger shots. Thanks so much.

UPDATE: Michell has very kindly offered me her copy.

6-19-67...

This was what I intended to post today. I keep this picture on a shelf in my bedroom. I do not have many pictures of me as a child. Being disowned makes it hard to get childhood pictures. It took 2 years to get my baby book sent and I am quite sure my aunt is the one who made that happen.

Anyhow I like this picture because I was being me. I was called a brat a lot as a child. I was told I was phony and bratty and rude. But I remember this time, I was expressing all sorts of stuff, emotions. I used to like to put on musical numbers or shows and ask if my parents would watch. No one really got me and as a result I spent many years being anyone but who I was.

As I get older (I am 41 today for anyone who isn't into the math) I find that I get more and more in touch with my authentic self. I also find seeing Bliss and seeing glimpses of his authentic self is so beautiful. I hope to never stifle that in him, whoever he becomes. I was about his age now in this picture.

My only issues with getting older are twofold. One I hate it from an IF standpoint which I know so many of you get. The other is this awful feeling that every year that goes by is less time with Bliss, I truly hate that. Aside from those two things I am ok with aging for the most part.

I get emotional on birthdays so I think I will end it here.

12:09 am...

I was up watching So You Think You Can Dance I had Tivo'd earlier and all of a sudden there was a crash in the kitchen, loud and then a growl.

Next thing I know there is something flying into my room. I am laying back in my bed in a recline position, Bliss is sound asleep across the other side of the bed (I am a proud co-sleeper) and a white cat flies across my room, across my bed and lands on top of my new iMac tipping it over onto me (it is on a desk next to my bed) but I catch it.

BTW we have a doggy door which is how this was all made possible.

The cat screeches, the dogs are freaking out trying to get the intruder and the cat flies off the desk and then jumps on top of the TV which is on a dresser across the room.

Next it flies down to the floor and I hear one of my dogs yelp, then more chasing.

I am screaming the entire time trying to get sheets and blanket over my and bliss so we do not get clawed by some random cat.

In the meanwhile Lu comes running out of her room calling out trying to discern what has happened while waking from a dead sleep.

After all is over and quiet I turn on the light to asses the damages and Bliss wakes up to tell me about an un-inventing ray he saw on The Secret Show.

I somehow got a large bump and a scratch on my arm but I do not think it was from the cat I think it was from falling computer and jumping around.

The dogs are checked and found to be scratch free.

Then I notice the baby slug crawling across the foot of my bed and screech again but Lu came in and got it.

I am not normally afraid of them but I had had enough, apparently it was on said cat.

Bliss is then taken to go potty, held for a bit and kissed a lot and then lays back down to sleep.

Happy Birthday To Me

putting it out there...

I have spoken with my doc through a series of emails concerning the protocol to be used this next time. I have always done Lupron cycles and they have been fine but there is something about switching it up a bit that seems more hopeful.

I have 5.5 syringes of Ganirelix so after much discussion we have decided to do an Antagonist cycle next.

I am writing today to put out there the meds I am still in need of. I am hoping not to need to buy all of them since my insurance does not cover meds.

I am, as of today, in need of 3-4 syringes of Ganirelix.

I am in need of 2 900 unit vials of Follistim.

I am in need of 10,000 units of HCG or Novarel
or
500 units of Ovidrel.

Please feel free to email if you don't want to comment.

I am way past too proud to beg.

new day...

So my body was very obviously ready to be done with this cycle. I began bleeding last night and as it got late it got heavy. I am calling last night cd1 since I take BCP at night.

The only bad part is a very very bad headache. I took some ibuprofen because I figured I could (rebel that I am) and I am hoping it leaves as it is a doosey.

Thank you so much for all the support, it truly helps me get through the hard parts so much more buffered and taken care of.

beta #3...

So it is < 1.
Now I just have to go through the pain, again, and then get on with it.
I wish I could say I was prepared for this so it doesn't hurt, but the truth is that even though I was prepared, it hurts anyways.

I will have a few days of wallowing and then I will be fine. I have learned in my almost 41 years on this earth that you have to go through the emotions. You have to feel the pain, the anguish, the hurt in order to get to the other side.

So I am here, walking through it, and I know the other side is close by.

Thanks for all the wonderful support.

16dp3dt...

I POAS this morning. Very negative. So this was a chemical pregnancy.

I am going to assume it is back to zero. While I am sure tomorrow after the definitive beta I will shed some more bitter tears it is also good that this will be done and not drag out. Now I can focus on trying to gather up more stims and trigger shots, order more sperm, and concentrate on July's IVF.

I am also trying to plan a trip up to New Brunswick to hunt for a farm/house/land. I have been in contact with a few Realtors and it is all coming so soon. If I could maintain a pregnancy we would likely even move earlier but with March 29 being roomies retirement date and the latest I will stay here I also know I cannot look at property in the snow so it seems Bliss and I will go up in the fall. (Now it seems I will likely need to wait until March to go up to look, oh how much can happen in a day)

While I am beyond excited at the prospect of this FINALLY coming to fruition, I feel this double urgency of a ticking clock. I turn 41 in 8 days and the months are slipping by so fast and I feel like ACCKKK hurry hurry hurry. So I am trying to breathe and just put one foot in front of the next.

on and on...

I am doing OK. I know there will be another let down Thursday after the beta but for now I am OK. I POAS today in the afternoon, it was very white which tells me it has stopped or gone back to zero which is good in some ways.

The thing is I feel that tight ball in my uterus which is such a mind game. I have been feeling it for days and it is annoying. At this point I just want to get on with everything and look to July's IVF.

I will do a FMU tomorrow and then Thursday will be the blood test and then hopefully I can spend a day or two crying, again, and then I can get back to eating well, working out on the treadmill, and focusing on the next IVF.

open arms...

I watched a movie last night. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. It was an awful movie in so many ways but had those really typical touching Adam Sandler moments. I am not one for dumbed down humor usually but there was nothing but that or Knocked Up and I just couldn't face that one. Spanglish was one of his movies that I truly loved so I decided to give it a shot.

So in one part of the movie they play the song Open Arms after the guys "go Jr. High" and start slow dancing to hid the fact that they can't dance.

I started bawling.

I had to pause the movie and just cry cry cry. I know it was for tons of reasons. I am wound up with this feeling of waiting for the end, plus it brought back so many dances where you would just pray someone would ask you on THAT song, or Stairway to Heaven. Those were the two songs you just had to dance with someone on. I never really did.

I cried for the sad little girl I was back then, desperate for love and no clue what it was or how to find it.

I cried for the woman today who has so much love and is so desperate to give some more to another being.

I cried because it was so ridiculous to be crying.

Then I went to bed.

I am fine so far today. I just think it is going to be a roller coaster and I just have to ride it out. In the movie Parenthood there is this fantastic scene where the grandma talks about roller coaster and just enjoying the ride. I have always loved that scene. I am just trying to relax a bit and enjoy the ride, or at least not fight it every step of the way.

so bad...

I have not eaten a Rice Krispy treat in years. One day a couple months ago I suddenly wanted Bliss to experience them. I got one of the boxes of them at the store. He enjoyed them. He did not eat them often or ask for them daily like he will with some new things but he really liked the nonetheless. The 6 or so in the box lasted until about a week ago when there was one left. I decided to eat it during the 2ww.

Then the next time I went to the store I was trying to earn Flicks for Food points by buying the marked items (such a rip off you end up with crap you normally wouldn't buy and spending way too much). The marshmallows were listed AND they were buy one get one free. The Rice Krispy's were also listed and buy one get one free. I made a huge batch with a whole box with Bliss. Great time. We both ate those first ones and enjoyed them so much more than the packaged ones.

People, do you have any idea how addictive they are? Do you have any idea how many a person (OK me) can eat in a row??? It is not funny, at all. A tall glass of cold milk and a huge square??? No, not funny at all.

Today after the burger, and the fries, and the soda (yuck only had half of that) I went and made another batch with the last box of cereal. I am out of control, but oh my gosh they are soooo good.

Years I tell you, it has been so many years since I even had one. They were not a big popular treat of mine when I was growing up so I have no idea why they are so good now.

second beta friday...

Oh for fucks sake!!!

Beta today was 8.

I had to get one to make sure it went down.

So what does this mean. Well it means I have to wait and go back next Thursday, yes Thursday and get another beta.

Is this full of hope? NO!!

Is this most likely prolonging things and very well may end in another purgatory of waiting to zero out. YES!!

This is a 1% chance of anything positive coming out of this folks. Truly that is it. But the hope, the little flicker that can drive us insane is going to grasp and hold on and beg plead and barter for that 1%.

I am not sure I have mentioned this before. I hate limbo. I always have. So of course my life faced it a lot, so I worked on it. I used to sabotage just to get out of it. I would be terribly destructive before I would sit in limbo. That was long ago and I do very well considering with it nowadays. I still hate it though. So why, when I worked so hard to get better with it am I faced with it again and again in such shitty ways?

I am going to get a burger and fries.

late night notes with my doctor...

I am in pain and anger right now but I wanted to share a few things.

I finally did my TTC data so if interested it is on the side column now.

I wrote my doc today just asking those desperate questions we all do after a bad beta.

He wrote me back at 11pm, he is like that, not sleeping until he has taken the time to comfort all his patients.

I truly love him for that.

He answered all my questions. I still have to test Friday to make sure what the 4 is doing. I will be able to go again in July. A few other things I had wondered about he answered thoroughly and eased my mind.

Lastly he was talking about how he still feels good about using my eggs.

The thing I wanted to share. The reason I am typing through streams of tears is because of how he finished his email.

His last sentence.

"We just need 1 good embryo to take hold,
one that Soul can be comfortable coming home to... "

beta..

The beta was a 4.

one thing...

This made me happy today.
This will allow me to leave
this country feeling like there
is at least some hope for it.

8dp3dt...

I POAS this morning and it was negative.

living peripherally...

I feel as if I am at times living my life peripherally.

It is as if I cannot look dead on at what there is to do in my day to day stuff because I have to look around this huge elephant stuck in front of my face 24 hours a day. Everything feels like it is on hold. Not just on hold until I can have a pregnancy last or on hold until I can give my child a sibling, but on hold until I can think clearly. On hold until I can try and be social again. On hold until I can have a thought that isn't permeated with thoughts of TTC. It is like directly in front of me is one thing and one thing only and every other thing in my life in peripheral, which is no way to live. So I am in this constant battle, like driving through a snowstorm without windshield wipers, I drive with one hand out the window frantically wiping away the snow trying to see and move forward but only getting glimpses of where the road is.

I have at times felt like loving my son was only possible peripherally because it was so huge I couldn't do it directly up front and center. It was kind of like looking at the sun, you can do it from the corner of your eye but if you look directly at it you get blinded. I felt like when I loved him directly I was going to burst and explode and I would squint and look out of the corner of my eye so to speak (I hope this makes some kind of sense).

I got past that, the heart has amazing capabilities. I think when you lacked unconditional love growing up facing it's pure essence can overwhelm a bit. I love it and embrace it now and it has made me such a more complete person and a better person and mother but it was really overwhelming for a time.

Now I feel back in peripheral land because of IF and it breaks my heart.

I have been crying a lot over the past 24 hours.

I know I am hormonal.

out of the mouthes of babes...

Bliss is a great eater but lately he wants to be fed, often. I battle in my head between "my gosh he is way old enough to do this on his own" and "oh my baby he won't want this much longer" and it goes either way depending on what I am doing at the time. Sometimes I get exasperated and make him do it and other times I do it. I also find at times it ensures he eats his meal in a much more timely manner than when he dawdles doing it himself. I also find that he usually wants it when I have been preoccupied and he is wanting more direct attention and I feel it is a way for me to re-focus on his needs.

Today he is eating fish sticks and baked fries and watching a movie with me and I say ok to feeding him. His response is as follows.

"When you feed me it is like I just lay back and you worship me."

I choked laughing and had a premonitory chill of what is to come of his teenage years.

He is so on to me.