Friday, June 06, 2008

second beta friday...

Oh for fucks sake!!!

Beta today was 8.

I had to get one to make sure it went down.

So what does this mean. Well it means I have to wait and go back next Thursday, yes Thursday and get another beta.

Is this full of hope? NO!!

Is this most likely prolonging things and very well may end in another purgatory of waiting to zero out. YES!!

This is a 1% chance of anything positive coming out of this folks. Truly that is it. But the hope, the little flicker that can drive us insane is going to grasp and hold on and beg plead and barter for that 1%.

I am not sure I have mentioned this before. I hate limbo. I always have. So of course my life faced it a lot, so I worked on it. I used to sabotage just to get out of it. I would be terribly destructive before I would sit in limbo. That was long ago and I do very well considering with it nowadays. I still hate it though. So why, when I worked so hard to get better with it am I faced with it again and again in such shitty ways?

I am going to get a burger and fries.

11 om's.:

The Town Criers said...

Does the 1% come from your doctor or a gut feeling based on past experience?

I wish it were easy. I wish it could just be easy and straightforward.

Jen said...

And Thursday? Why do you have to wait till Thursday?

Grr...

I wish it were easier for you. Sending my love. Enjoy the burger and fries.

ohchicken said...

and i'm sending love back to you.

bleu said...

The 1% is a rough guestimate of stats I found.

Jen he wants me to get past 50 and do it on an even day past today so next Thursday I would be 64 if things progressed as normal. I get it but it sucks.

tobacco brunette said...

What did your doc say about the number? Dammit, I hate this shit. Hang in there, sweetie. I know the limbo is the worst part of this.

calliope said...

oh man. torture. such torture!
I so know how a beta can eff with your head. My beta after 2 months of the unnpregnancy was higher than my beta at 14dpo...and of COURSE there is that 1%. I mean that is really the worst part.

Sending you so much love and will totally be here holding your hand getting you to thursday.
xo

Deb said...

Hang in there and take care of you. This really stinks. I hope that Thursday yeilds an answer in either direction just so that you are out of limbo. I hate limbo too.

owl said...

i have no words that would help.
will keep hoping for/with you.

Kymberli said...

Shit, Bleu. Why can't things be as easy as yes or no. Limboland is the worst. If things are going to end badly, I'd rather have just gotten a negative. It's one thing to lose. It's something totally different to be dragged through the mud with it. I'm holding on to that 1% for you.

nancy said...

This is nutty.

I have known so many "low beta" successes lately.

Me. (15, 43, 213, 1073)
Emily. (3, 6, 15, etc. she just gave birth)
Manda. (10, now beta #5 is 743)

And you.

I was surprised they gave you beta#1 so soon. It was still in the realm of implantation, so a 4, 8, 16 could be very normal.

I still know the stats, but I'm just saying, I've seen this pattern in the last few weeks.

JJ said...

Im so sorry about all of this, Bleu-you deserve to be in that 1%. Hoping a LOT for you...