Monday, June 30, 2008

ultrasound # 5,289...

I had my u/s today. All was good on the uterine front. No cysts, 4-5 antral's on the right and 5-6 on the left. The left finally has more than the right for once and it didn't hide too too much so that was good.

I fell apart a bit at the clinic though. I weighed myself today in anticipation of starting strict again tomorrow. Lose 18, gain back 23. New all time high. People before you go tell me not to get down on myself I am going to do what I NEVER do.

Weight prior to Bliss average 170-190 depending. I am 5'9" and was happy with 175, always pretty much have been, yes I have been super thin but came to be very happy at 175. Weight when got pregnant with Bliss after previous m/c, 185.

Weight on day I had Bliss 250. Weight few months later 214, then up and up and up with thyroid problem and lying doc (see archives) and subsequent surgery.

Weight 6 months after thyroid surgery 187. Weight when got pregnant 4 month later 195. Weight 2 months later when miscarrying 235. Weight 3 months later 250.

Weight before started diet before last IVF 268.5.

Weight when I did most recent IVF 251.

Weight today 273.

There I said it, never thought I would write that but there it is.

I HATE HATE HATE seeing these numbers, I hate being this way. I never yo-yoed even if I always was a bit bog. Now it is just worse and worse. You know why you only see pictures of Bliss on here, well one guess. I am humiliated to see me, I do not recognize me. Yes I am fortunate I can lose, but I cannot sustain the loss.

So please, I love the support, but I am at a weight that is detrimental to my health, I do not feel good health wise at this weight. I have shame at this weight and harbor secret feelings I can never get pregnant at this weight.

I will start again tomorrow and tr to figure it out. Doc was great today, I showed him an old pic (Michell you know the one) and cried. He said it was easier to keep weight off or maintain at lower weights, and I said sobbing "that was me" he countered with "that is still you" which touched me a lot, but I have to get this thing under control. I want to be a role model to Bliss, not an embarrassment. Anyhow I am happy to be starting back, but a little emotional today.

Stims start July 16 with my cd9 u/s the 23rd. I should be having my ER the 27 or 28.

21 om's.:

Bree said...

Bleu,

I'm sorry that your weight is causing you so much distress. I understand why you don't want people to tell you that you look great when you don't FEEL great.

I hope that you get to be comfortable in your body again, and soon. Perhaps that means a lighter body. Perhaps it means a pregnant body. Perhaps it means both!

calliope said...

((((hugs))))
I don't need a photograph to KNOW that you are beautiful. The weight stuff is hard. And I suffer from the battle of it as well. I am a total emotional weight person. Meaning if I am stressed or anxious - even if I diet & work out I won't drop pounds. That of course only makes me more depressed...it is a cycle.

I am very glad that your scan went well today. PHEW for that.

xoxo I am on e-mail.

MaverickMama said...

You are not alone. I understand wanting to be healthy for my son. It's terrifying to think that I might miss out because I can't ride a bike with him, or go for a jog, or ski down the slopes. I don't need to be a model, but I do want to have energy and enough health to keep up with my precious boy.

Sam said...

I am so sorry that you are in this place. I wish I could squeeze you and make everything okay.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I too wish I could be out there to hug you.

Melody said...

Your doc sounds amazing. I love him from here.

I know what it is like to be that weight. I won't say that I know how you feel, but I know how I felt and how desperately I wanted it off and how bad I felt about not being able to do it by myself (finally used a medically-supervised weight loss program). Seeing some of it creep back on as I've been trying to TTC these last couple of years has been soul dampening. I've beat myself up a lot over it and often blamed it/myself for my infertility.

The meds and the stress make it harder to keep it off.

Hugs.

amyjay said...

Crap.

Let me know if there is anything I can do, maybe we could share our healthy recipes.

Great news about the follies:)

Catherine said...

I know it is hard. My weight Yo-yo's too. I can lose 25 punds in a few weeks and then gain 35 back in a blink. I hope you figure out how to cope with this. Finding a way to happy with you is so important. I am hoping this cycle is your sticky BFP!

Lizzie said...

I have only commented a few times on your blog, but I do try to keep up with it. I just wanted to admit here that I am the heaviest I have ever been, too. And I have not had a child or a miscarriage. I understand the shame b/c I feel it to. And I REALLY understand the secret fear that I am actually too fat to have a baby. So sending lots of strength that you can do what it takes to get back to feeling good. And sending it to me, too. Because I have done nothing but eat from the stress of TTC which started for me in February. It has been a steady and fast climb up for me. Sending compassion and empathy. If you're not ready to receive it, then save it and accept it later?

Michell said...

I'm sorry. I know this feeling and it sucks. I also know the fear of being too fat to have a baby. I'm always afraid any doc I see will tell me to go away because I'm too fat. Hugs to you and I hope you feel better. Oh and antral follie count sounds great!

K said...

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. Put me down as one more physical body ttc and the related emotional eating has done a number on. Your doctor (as always) sounds amazing and you (as always) sound like a strong, determined woman. Good luck tomorrow, be gentle with yourself, and remember that big battles are fought one tiny step at a time. xo.

Tanya said...

I can't tell you how to fix it because seriously... I've posted my weight on my blog and it's so not pretty... and I'm only 5' 5". I've found one blog that you might be interested in www.angiealltheway.blogspot.com she gives me hope (was almost 300 lbs and has gotten down to 170). She posts what she's doing to lose the weight on a regular basis (exercise and food).

LJ said...

It is no fun feeling like you are living in a body you no longer recognize. You'll do what's right or you. The important thing is to love yourself no matter where you are. *BIGHUG*

Amber said...

I'm so sorry you are in such distress. You have done it before. You know you can do this again. It ain't going to happen over night but you KNOW it will happen for you. Just doing a little bit each day will get you there.

It's ALL about treating yourself well. Being kind to yourself by being kind to your body. Sometimes when it (your body) betrays us we want to punish it....but that's counterproductive. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up..just do the things you know you can do. The good thing about living healthy is that is feels good. I think you deserve to feel good.

Hugs, sweetie.

tobacco brunette said...

*hugs*

you've been through so much, lately.

thinking of you.

XOXOXOX

nancy said...

Oh darlin', I'm so sorry.

I'm not happy where I am so I keep looking towards "after I have the next baby". Of course, now I'm at the point I actually got pregnant, but that was my motto during all the treatments.

I hope you are able to find peace.

Kriss said...

Bleu, once you get your postive and get through your nine months, then worry about your weight. Stress, hormones and thyroid play a huge factor in weight. I had graves disease and went through radiation which caused weight gain. Then I gained another 75 pounds when I did fert. treatments. Hormones are WICKED!! I bet once your not on the hormones and busy taking care of two children you will lose that weight. I am a testiment to that. I got busy and happy and it dropped right off. Live in the moment and don't look backwards. You have been through so much (I have been following but just recently commenting). Don't be to hard on yourself. (((hugs))) -kriss

Kymberli said...

You're not alone on that scale. It's always harder when you have health issues contributing to the weight loss (for me it's PCOS/IR). I'm also an emotional eater, so bad cycles coupled with the PCOS/IR is just weight gain waiting to happen. I'm working towards getting out of that, though I failed miserably with it the past few months.

Try to remember that you are beautiful inside and out just as you are...we both just have to work on making the outside healthier! I got the IF Losers group started, then made the decision not to go gung-ho until after the 4th. Come July 5th, I'll also be back to a low-carb/low-fat restrictive diet. Maybe we can motivate each other to stay on track.

I'm thinking many good thoughts for your upcoming cycle.

aspiring baker said...

I am so sorry you are feeling so down and just want to remind you how normal it is for weight to fluctuate wildly when you've been on the kind of crazy hormonal ride you've been on of late.

If you feel you need to lose weight, by all means do so. You have to do what feels right for you. I do, however, have several friends who had happy, healthy pregnancies at approximately your size and age, and probably the most important thing for you is to take care of yourself in whatever way makes you happiest and most hopeful.

Hang in there. Your weight isn't about who you are as a person. You're a hell of a lot more than a number on a scale.

bleu said...

OMG what are you doing emailing me???????????

HAPPY BABY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much for the wonderful comment, it was really geat to hear exactly that.

I cannot wait to see pics.

WOW

Muhc much much love

R said...

I understand. I lost 100 pounds 6 years ago throuh Weight watchers. Through quitting smoking and just relationships, I have gained 20 back. I want to get at least 15 back off. It is a hard hard thing to do, but with willpwoer and determination, it can be done. I believe it since I did it. I am starting MOnday to go back to healthier eating and taking care of me again. We deserve that.