Monday, June 02, 2008

living peripherally...

I feel as if I am at times living my life peripherally.

It is as if I cannot look dead on at what there is to do in my day to day stuff because I have to look around this huge elephant stuck in front of my face 24 hours a day. Everything feels like it is on hold. Not just on hold until I can have a pregnancy last or on hold until I can give my child a sibling, but on hold until I can think clearly. On hold until I can try and be social again. On hold until I can have a thought that isn't permeated with thoughts of TTC. It is like directly in front of me is one thing and one thing only and every other thing in my life in peripheral, which is no way to live. So I am in this constant battle, like driving through a snowstorm without windshield wipers, I drive with one hand out the window frantically wiping away the snow trying to see and move forward but only getting glimpses of where the road is.

I have at times felt like loving my son was only possible peripherally because it was so huge I couldn't do it directly up front and center. It was kind of like looking at the sun, you can do it from the corner of your eye but if you look directly at it you get blinded. I felt like when I loved him directly I was going to burst and explode and I would squint and look out of the corner of my eye so to speak (I hope this makes some kind of sense).

I got past that, the heart has amazing capabilities. I think when you lacked unconditional love growing up facing it's pure essence can overwhelm a bit. I love it and embrace it now and it has made me such a more complete person and a better person and mother but it was really overwhelming for a time.

Now I feel back in peripheral land because of IF and it breaks my heart.

I have been crying a lot over the past 24 hours.

I know I am hormonal.

6 om's.:

Jen said...

Sending you lots of love and hugs!

calliope said...

oh the waiting.
the waiting is madness.
I am sitting here waiting with you and hoping. OH there is mad, off the charts, hoping.
xo

Michell said...

Sorry about the hormonal stuff. Can I say that might be a good sign without being to much of a pollyanna? Thinking of you and hoping this one sticks.
Thanks for the research today. I still don't have my schedule for next week, hopefully tomorrow.

owl said...

the elephant will move out of the way.
it will be wonderful.

luna said...

I came over from l&f. this is a lovely post. and your header art is gorgeous!

luna said...

I meant the friday roundup.