Wednesday, July 23, 2008

cd9 u/s for ivf#3...

I am back from the cd9 u/s. I have actually been back a while and furiously cooking. It is what I do to de-stress.

My right side had 7 with 3<10 and my left fucking side had 1 and 3<5.

I know it takes one, I truly, TRULY do not need to hear that right now.

Here is the thing. You hear AMA (advanced maternal age) bandied about over and over in the IF world. My clinic has said it all of once because they know I know, but it is there in the forefront of my mind at every turn. And then you watch how in less than a year, it comes true.

See it is said often because it is true. AMA is a real thing and fertility DOES decline from the late 30's and even more rapidly in the early 40's. I know it is true, I do. But watching your ovaries die on a screen month after month is truly more heart breaking than I was previously prepared for.

I will be fine, I will keep going forward. I know some women would be thrilled with 7. It is just such a shitty thing to make the curve, to be the stat. Somewhere deep down I guess I have always believed I was special in some way that precludes this. In some way that made me make the exception, not prove the rule.

So I am cooking, and making pretty healthy stuff. A Tomato Tart, and come curried chicken salad to go on a fresh croissant with this amazing horseradish cheddar cheese I found and adore. I will also likely make roomie a chocolate cream pie since I had extra pie dough.

I will hug my kid and hope for the best as well. I know how lucky I am. I am just sad today. I am having a good cry and then moving forward. I have another u/s on Saturday but he is pretty sure ER will be Monday.

20 om's.:

nycphoenix said...

I so know what you mean.. It was a killer every time I had an u/s and the ER knowing that I had friends pop OLDER than me pop out 23 follies and I never made more than 6 with DOUBLE the meds. sigh it just sucks

chocolate cream pie? yummmm....recipe?

battynurse said...

I'm sorry. It sucks big time. Cooking sounds good. You must have liked the tomato tart if you are making it again. I tried chocolate no bake cookies last night as I had been craving them and they were a mass failure.

nancy said...

I'm keeping up my hope for you.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sweetie, I'm so sorry about the u/s. Your thought about watching your ovaries decline on the ultrasound screen gave me pause. I wish everyone in the world could read that and understand.

Mrs. M said...

I am hoping for you too!

Cece said...

Sounds good to me - I only had 5 on my first u/s... they retrieved 7. And I'm only 32!

Rooting for you, hot stuff!

owlie said...

hoping so hard it hurts that this is your last cycle and you have babe in belly do very soon.

your cooking sounds great!

Kriss said...

Thinking of you! -kriss

Catherine said...

I am so sorry. I am hoping this all ends up good. I am thinking of you.

Kymberli said...

Thinking of you, Bleu.

Patricia said...

Thanks for the info and comment you left me. I'm wishing you peace as you cycle.

I, too, am way AMA. I cling to hope and faith and whatever else I can find to beat those stats.

Jen said...

I'm thinking of you and hoping that your eight do the trick! Many hugs!

The Angry Infertile said...

Thanks for stopping by my blogo.

I hope that this IVF does the trick.

I like the name Bliss.

vee said...

It is the worst feeling. Finding out I had only 4 was heartbreaking and made every hurdle that followed so much more gut-wrenching. I did get pg though, and I hope you do too. Hugs.xxx

dakota said...

Tough stuff. Been reading you recently from the first blog and wanted to be completely up to date before writing...but anyway you found me first, so sending you love.
dakota

sandra said...

*hugs*

sarah said...

Hugs from me too...I am thinking of you and sending all good thoughts your way!

calliope said...

I am sending so so so much love your way and hoping like HELL that things start catching up in your lady town.
xoxo

Shinejil said...

Your words about AMA really struck me, as they did Mel. I wish it didn't have to hurt like this, and I wish more people understood it.

Lastly and most importantly, I wish you a really smooth and successful rest of this cycle.

SarahSews said...

Watching your ovaries decline every month is so incredibly tough. I've been there and must say it was the scariest thing of all of our infertility -- I kept expecting to be told one month they were gone. I started treatment with 20 and when we hit our rock bottom I had 5. In the span of 8 months, when I was 32. It rocked me to my core.

Thankfully, taking a break from treatment and concentrating on our health helped me rebound.

I hope this is just a temporary setback for you.