Thursday, July 31, 2008

ivf #3 update...

I just got the call this morning. I have been pushed back to a 5 day transfer.
All 9 have made it so far as follows.

1 - 9 cell
3 - 8 cell
4 - 7 cell
1 - 4 cell

My transfer is scheduled for 11:30 on Saturday.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

ivf #3 fertilization report...

I just got the call. Of the 9 eggs retrieved 8 fertilized normally!!!
The 9th one is only slow so it is still in medium to possibly catch up as well!!!!!!!!!

This is my best fertilization report ever. I had no double sperm entries!!!!!!!!!

I am beyond happy and hyperventilating as I type.

It is every one of you amazing women (and a few men) out there sending such amazing energy my way. The eggs felt it, the sperm felt it, the universe felt it and I feel it. Thank you thank you thank you.

Now I just have to get to the next hurdle and the one after that, one wonderful energy burst at a time.

I am tentatively scheduled for an ET on Thursday at 9am but will be getting a call early that morning to say if it is a go or we are going to a 5 day transfer.

Until then I will try and just remain positive and remember to breathe.

Monday, July 28, 2008

ivf #3 egg retrieval...

They got 9.

I cried like a baby with happiness when he showed me the paper with the number written.

I didn't have empties again.

I got much more than I had even hoped for.

I will get a fert. report tomorrow but right now I am just so happy to have that beautiful number.

Thank you to everyone for your amazing report. I woke up this morning to so many wonderful emails and well wishes. It truly means so much. It makes me feel so supported, which is why I began this blog, to have that support, to be heard, to know I am not alone. And you all, all of you have made me feel so very not alone.

Thank you.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

yum ness...


I made it, I made ceviche. I had to go get apples after all.
It is currently chilling so I have not gotten to eat it yet but I am excited.
I also got more Bryer's Peach ice cream to go with the fresh peaches I already have.

Guess which one I am going to eat first????

I can't eat after 11:30 tonight but hopefully I will be asleep before then.

HA HA HA HA HA

::1 hour later::

OK I didn't eat the ice cream first, shock of all shocks. I am currently eating the ceviche. YUM
It is perfect except it could be a little colder, but otherwise, oh my yum ness!!!!!

I shall have peaches and peach ice cream later.

my box...

How does anyone live without Tivo???

So I had this old box I could use in the bedroom until the new Tivo box arrives and I set it up last night. Then when I went to watch TV after Bliss was asleep I proceeded to hit pause 8 times and try to rewind about 5 times. Neither of those functions are even available with the old system but I tried nonetheless.

Seriously, Tivo was made for people like me who hate to miss a thing if it is a show they like or find interesting. That and hitting mute to get the closed captioning going so I can see the word I couldn't understand.

And for kids? When you are trying to ask them a question when they are watching a program? If you have no pause ability you either have to turn the program off and then they miss it, or you have to repeat yourself 20 times. With Tivo the pause is just a simple silence and you get their undivided attention because they know they are missing nothing as well.

I truly cannot even enjoy TV without it. Roomie has the old system in her room and refuses to get Tivo. I told her when we move I am getting it for her whether she wants it or not. She grumbled but she just doesn't get it. She does use it in the living room so why not her bedroom, especially because she is someone who likes to sleep with a TV on.

Anywho I said I was usually silent about now, well apparently not this cycle but it is also apparent I am talkative about random crap so go figure.

I still haven't decided about the ceviche, but we do need apples so I may be at the store anyways.....

9:48pm...

I want to make ceviche. No not this second, well that would be nice but I am not going to get much great white fish at this hour at the grocery store. I just have a sudden desire to have fresh ceviche.

I am not even saying I will make some tomorrow, just that I want some. Some cold yummy citrus-y goodness chilled and on a fresh made corn chip. I would even go out into my hot back yard to eat it just so I would be eating it in hot weather. Oh and a margarita with it... ok now this is getting out of control.

The night before my ER.....

Shutting off head now.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

cd12 u/s for ivf#3...

This morning started out hectic. The Tivo in my room went out, as in whole box, no power. Yes there are other tv's in the house, but this one had 41 episodes of Max and Ruby saved. Forty one people. And each one has 2 episodes on it.

Bliss handled it great but sheesh.

So I was on the phone with them and trying to get him breakfast and trying to get homemade chocolate chip cookies made all before my 10am u/s.

I made 80 cookies before we had to leave and got the new Tivo DVR box ordered and on it's way.

The u/s was uneventful. I have 7 on the right and 1 on the left. Hopefully most of those will be fully mature. The main thing I worry about is if it happens like last time where I have half of them empty. THAT would definitely cause some serious crying.

But I am ok. I gave myself 24 hours to wallow after the cd9 u/s and only ended up needing about 15 of it. I am over the first emotional hurdle and now hopefully what we do get will be filled and mature.

The docs wife is going to be there for my ER which is scheduled for 9am on Monday and that is wonderful news because she has this way of making me feel better even when things are crap. She has fantastic empathy and it will help having her there. As an SMC we have people in our lives but not always someone like a partner to hold your hand through bad news so finding that in her has been special. She has retired from working there though to spend more time with her own kids so coming in for my retrieval is very special indeed.

The doc ate a cookie as soon as I gave them to him and then in the 5 minutes he took to take them back and wait for my exam room to be ready he apparently ate 2 more because when he came in he said he had eaten 3 already. The office was shocked because he totally lives by his eating plan as a rule and they said eating one is one thing but three was a shock. I hope he gorges all day today. heh

So I am ok, just preparing for my ER Monday and hoping for the best. I feel every one of you out there holding my hand and cheering me on and it helps so much.

I typically get quiet around this time but I will definitely post after the ER.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

cd9 u/s for ivf#3...

I am back from the cd9 u/s. I have actually been back a while and furiously cooking. It is what I do to de-stress.

My right side had 7 with 3<10 and my left fucking side had 1 and 3<5.

I know it takes one, I truly, TRULY do not need to hear that right now.

Here is the thing. You hear AMA (advanced maternal age) bandied about over and over in the IF world. My clinic has said it all of once because they know I know, but it is there in the forefront of my mind at every turn. And then you watch how in less than a year, it comes true.

See it is said often because it is true. AMA is a real thing and fertility DOES decline from the late 30's and even more rapidly in the early 40's. I know it is true, I do. But watching your ovaries die on a screen month after month is truly more heart breaking than I was previously prepared for.

I will be fine, I will keep going forward. I know some women would be thrilled with 7. It is just such a shitty thing to make the curve, to be the stat. Somewhere deep down I guess I have always believed I was special in some way that precludes this. In some way that made me make the exception, not prove the rule.

So I am cooking, and making pretty healthy stuff. A Tomato Tart, and come curried chicken salad to go on a fresh croissant with this amazing horseradish cheddar cheese I found and adore. I will also likely make roomie a chocolate cream pie since I had extra pie dough.

I will hug my kid and hope for the best as well. I know how lucky I am. I am just sad today. I am having a good cry and then moving forward. I have another u/s on Saturday but he is pretty sure ER will be Monday.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

more new pics...


I am not going to mention how many it took to get one in focus of this flower.






I adore this picture, but she looks so sad.




She is such a silly mellow one.





I love the light on this one, I think it used some flash, I was sure he would be shadowed.
(I am not crazy about the look he is giving though, lol)

Monday, July 21, 2008

new camera...

They had a great deal at Sams on a Canon A720 IS camera. I have only had a 3.2 mp camera for years. This one has 8mp. I have a LOT to learn on how to use it but it can also shoot little movies. This is not something we ever do so this is very new.

This is my Bliss singing to me and is so sweet it slays me. I hope you like it too.

video

Sunday, July 20, 2008

...

I'm a right brained mama struggling for a left brained existence.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

happiness...

I got to hug Mel.

I should clarify, I did NOT go to BlogHer. I went to the hotel lobby and saw Mel. I think the convention was amazing but not with a 5.5 year old in tow and I don't leave him. Seeing and hugging Mel though was more than enough for me, for a long time.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

the world according to bliss...

the place under your arm = arm pit

the place behind your knees = knee pit

the place on the other side of your elbow = elbow pit

the place under your boob = booby pit

the place behind your ear = ear pit

he calls question marks "wonders" = I love that

At the grocery store a few minutes ago he was in the cart and said he was thirsty and could we please get him some water. I got a bottle and opened it and after he drank a bunch he explained to me "it is important I have water because if I don't I will get dehydrated." This was said very seriously, he is a damn genius I tell ya.

Lastly he just laid an egg...twice. I would elaborate but I somehow do not think I need to, I will just say it was a silly putty egg, I got a picture, and his teen years will now have plenty of bribery potential.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

stuff...

So I started stims yesterday. This is the first time I haven't been on Lupron before stims started and it is strange but nice. I am loving not having the headache and Lupron bitch. I am still unclear on what, if any, side effects to look forward to with Ganirelix.

Last night I was giving myself my Menopur shot, Bliss had asked to watch which he doesn't very often. Anyhow I mix and give the shot and then realize I only gave myself one vial when I always take two. I laughed and told Bliss I had messed up and had to give another. But because I hadn't given the FSH shot yet I just mixed the second vial with that. I don't usually but did last night just to make it easier. I was pretty amused I had made such a rookie mistake this late in the game.

I am pretty emotional this week for lots of reasons, I am trying to just focus on getting from one day to the next right now and get through it all.

On a completely different note, does anyone watch Saving Grace? I know the show is a bit controversial but it is really riveting to me. I also happen to love Holly Hunter as an actor. I would love it if anyone else was watching and we could discuss, the season opener is flooring me as usual.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

worth a thousand feelings... (show and tell)

I wanted a new wallpaper for my mac and went looking around. I found this great site and started looking. I have been wanting something with fall or winter and trees. Probably because I am stuck in smoky boiling hot hell out here in Sacramento and am yearning for it to be over and to see the signs of fall. Also probably because the sooner fall and winter come the sooner it will be early spring and moving to Canada time.

So back to wallpapers. I found this site and then found this picture. It is by this incredible photographer named Paul Gerritsen. He is from Holland and I believe this picture was taken near his home there. Before you read anymore please click it and see it as it should be seen, full screen.

Then I want to ask a question.




Does it make anyone else want to cry? Not a bad cry, just a cry, one that cleanses you and empties you out by letting all the pressure out but then fills you up again with something else, something nice, something better. Does that happen for anyone else when they look at it?


Now go see others at Mel's and her Show and Tell.

Friday, July 11, 2008

moving right along...

Bliss is better. Believe me he is better. Last night he suddenly got H.U.N.G.R.Y. Today I am exhausted trying to keep up with him, which is normal around here.

Thanks again for all the well wishes, they sure helped!!

As for me today is a cheat day. I decided to make this Steak and Guinness Pie from Jamie Oliver's show Jamie At Home. The recipe is not online anywhere and I had to transcribe it from stop and go with my Tivo so I don't think i should post it here. It is such a winter dish but I have been drooling over it for over 2 months so I just had to make it now.

I also decided to make Not Yo Mama's Banana Pudding. In part because Forever Reaching has asked for some recipes this last week and I had given her the link and realized I hadn't made it in a while. Imagine my amusement when I sat down after putting it in the fridge to cool and I get an email for Kymberli's blog and she has posted about the very same recipe. Speaking of Kymberli, has anyone besides me had trouble keeping up with that woman this week, sheesh!! Anyway she encouraged me to post it to and spread the yummy word.

So here is the recipe.

Not Yo' Mama's Banana Pudding
Recipe courtesy of Paula Deen

2 bags Pepperidge Farm Chessmen cookies
6 to 8 bananas, sliced (I use 3 bananas only and it is way banana enough for me)
2 cups milk
1 (5-ounce) box instant French vanilla pudding
1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 (12-ounce) container frozen whipped topping thawed, or equal amount sweetened whipped cream (I use a pint of whipping cream, no sugar added)


Line the bottom of a 13 by 9 by 2-inch dish with 1 bag of cookies and layer bananas on top.
In a bowl, combine the milk and pudding mix and blend well using a hand-held electric mixer. Using another bowl, combine the cream cheese and condensed milk together and mix until smooth. (I mix but leave lumps, it gives a lil more tang that I love) Fold the whipped topping into the cream cheese mixture. Add the cream cheese mixture to the pudding mixture and stir until well blended. (I leave it a little bit swirled for more interesting flavor but mostly mixed) Pour the mixture over the cookies and bananas and cover with the remaining cookies. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

I actually saw her make this on a show way back and she mentioned she got the recipe from a fan. Things I change are in brackets in blue above. It really is amazingly delicious and I am not even a huge banana cream pie or pudding fan. Every friend I have given the recipe to is hooked as well.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

another day...

Yesterday when we woke up I thought Bliss was better. His temp was 100.5 and he asked to go play and I said ok. He went to the living room while I got our bed made and whatnot. Fifteen minutes later I walk out and he is laying on the couch not doing anything. I took his temp again and it is 101.9. I tell him I am not sure but his fever may be coming back and if he wants to play he could but we need to check again in 30 minutes. He told to me he thinks he shouldn't play since he wants to get better. A sure sign he isn't.

His temp went quickly to 102.5 and he spent the day between 102.1 and 102.7, the entire day from morning til night. He was in good spirits though and said he didn't hurt anywhere. He rested in our bed with the TV on or a movie playing and never complained once. In the evening he suddenly got some appetite back and I was elated. I gave him, per his request, fresh strawberries that we have to share (they are best that way mama) and some chicken noodle soup and even a fudgsicle. His fever came down to 101.1 and then 100.7. I was feeling good, like it was finally over.

He went to bed and quickly fell asleep. His fever didn't return and I went to bed feeling the worst was over.

This morning I felt him and he felt good, until he began moaning. He said he didn't feel good, he felt sick and could he have some strawberries and a bowl of ice. We are out of strawberries but I got the ice and water and took his temp to be sure. It was 96.2. I thought ok, I did it wrong, I took it on the other ear, 96.3. I swear to goddess, ugh.

So after talking to the nurse, and feeding him lots of water and some food he is laying down laughing at cartoons and seems to be a bit better. Three hours later and it is up to 97.1.

So I guess we have another day of getting better. I just hope when he is over this I do not immediately get it myself.

Thanks for all the well wishes. We really are ok, it just breaks my heart.

In other news I am still on my strict eating, still losing but it has slowed, I am in need of a period and my last BCP is tonight so the slow down makes sense.

I want to thank everyone for their kind wishes for Bliss, it warms my heart each and every time. I also want to thank Donna and Cali for the mac help yesterday, I thought I was losing my mind.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

the last 12 hours...(updated twice)

Bliss tossed and turned after being put to bed last night. At 9pm it became evident that our AC had gone out. Yesterday was 104 degrees so at 9pm it was only down to 80 degrees. By 10:30 Bliss was in the bath to cool off. Then suddenly he is crying, I am trying to fix the AC and hear him and go running. He is not just hot, he is sick. He so desperately wanted to throw up and couldn't. I got in the bath with him and held him while he shook and cried, and shivered and boiled. This was the first time in his life he has been sick to his tummy and not just immediately thrown up. The contortions his face took while he suffered ripped through my heart like a jagged knife.

By 11:40 he had fallen asleep in my lap in the bath. I got him out of the bath and into bed, and then I tried a little bit more to fix the AC, no luck. I think it is a capacitor but I am not sure. I faxed our AC Girl (it is her work name AC Girl) and left a message and came back to check Bliss. He was awake but said he felt a little better. His forehead was hot though, but his fever was not too bad. He tossed and turned until we both fell asleep at 1:30am. He woke up sobbing at 3:05 needing to be sat up and help with a throw up bowl for about 30 minutes until he fell back asleep in my arms.

Then at 4:30 Henrietta woke me up panting something awful from overheating. I got a bottle of water and slowly poured it over her and held her in front of the fan until she stopped panting the "I-can't-breathe-pant. I was back asleep at about ten to five.

Then I got woken up at 6:15 by Bliss needing to go potty. He was still hot both with fever and the broken AC. He fell back asleep laying half on my side in front of the fan and I got back to sleep about 6:30. Then the phone rang at 7:30 by roomie checking to see if we were ok and if I had called the AC Girl to confirm. She felt awful for waking us. I went back to sleep and woke up at 8:20.

The AC Girl will be here after noon. Today is expected to be 106 degrees. Bliss now has a fever of 101.7 and I am taking turns wetting down the dogs.

But ya know what. I love my life, I am tired, but I love every moment of getting to take care of my baby and the girls.

Now I must think about getting some coffee.

UPDATE: The AC Girl is just awesome. I am linking her site because she is so honest and quick and nice. I used her last year and she only had to reset my system and she hadn't even wanted to charge me. I insisted. Anyhow she called at 10:40 and asked if she could come early. Uh, YES thanks a million!!!!! She came by, and yes it was the capacitor. She showed me everything so if ever it happens again I can do it myself which I love. She was done in less than 10 minutes. The service call and parts and labor was only $165 which I think is real reasonable. Her day is swamped because summer finally hit Sacramento and we are in triple digits all week, like above 105 each day.

Bliss finally felt well enough to take some ibuprofen and his fever finally broke. He is still only having some toast and not hungry but he a a million times better.

Thanks for all the sweet thoughts, they are wonderful.

UPDATE #2: His fever is back with a vengeance. Poor lil thing. It looks to be another long night.

Monday, July 07, 2008

new cooking with bliss...

Sacribian (sa-cry-bee-en) Stew

You take a pot, any kind of pot

You take five items, and two have to be the same
(we used a whistle, a slinky, a laser pointer and 2 bracelets)

Then you add a telescope making sure to stir with it, and then you put the 5 items in and stir with the telescope (use any kind of side {stir pattern} )

And that is how you make it!!

(Later additions)
add salt of Bliss
add sugar of Bliss
add flowers of Bliss
add water of Bliss inside
satardian of Bliss
sachardian of Bliss
and checks of Bliss


In other news I am one week on the strict diet minus the one cheat day on the 4th of July and I am 11 pounds down. I realize it is great to lose 11lbs in a week, it is just so annoying because I can lose weight, but not keep it off. I do think the one cheat day a week is a good idea (doc stressed it's importance) and I am hoping it let's me continue the regimen throughout the entire IVF and not just up to the 2ww.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

show and tell...

Today I will show and tell about "the girls."


(This was the best and only use of my pack and play)


I got Dirt Dah Der when I was still living with an abusive ex. She was really the first of many goddesses that came into my life and helped me heal so much after I was disowned and subjecting myself to the abuse I knew so well from my parents. Getting her helped me leave that relationship and move towards piecing my life back together. I have always been someone who desperately wants to give love unconditionally. Likely because I didn't get it much growing up.
Dirt gave me just as much if not more than I gave and truly changed my life. My roomie took to her immediately when we met and Dirt adored her too. I really think it was one of my cues to know she was meant to be a true friend in my life.

When I got pregnant with Bliss I bred Dirt to make sure she didn't feel so badly about me bringing someone new into our family. I also knew I wanted her to have a playmate. She went into labor on Easter when I was 6 weeks pregnant and had just been put on bed rest due to my progesterone severely dropping. She insisted on being in my lab during her labor and I had some actual contractions while she labored.

Dirt gave birth to two puppies. (She had only let the male, second I had tried, tie one time and while tied she dragged him through a doggie door, across a deck, down a flight of wooden steps and into a flower bed, thus only two puppies) I named the first one born Henrietta after a woman who had been very important in my life during college. Henrietta Clodette (get it, dirt clod, I am so clever), Henri for short. The second one ended up named Pandamonium, Panda for short. They were both girls. Panda went to my groomer who was also a dear friend. We were in an apartment at the time but sometimes I wish I had kept both.

(Henri has the perfect tear drop on her head)


I ended up waiting 12 weeks before turning over Panda to my friend and as it was I cried daily for 2 weeks after. This was due, in part to pregnancy hormones, maybe.



(there is little cuter than Shih Tzu puppies)


Henri got a nickname of Wig-Wam since her hair did this really silly thing all the time.



They have both been so amazing in our lives. Dirt was so protective of Bliss as a baby that whenever I left the room leaving Bliss asleep or to go pee a second she would get on the bed or wherever he was and sit beside him until I returned. Henri is an easy going happy-go-lucky dog that has this ability to make one laugh no matter how their day has been or how bad their mood is. The both spend at least 1-3 hours a day standing on their hind legs in a wrestle dance with each other that is so amusing.

Dirt hates fireworks with a passion. I give her calm down (a homeopathic calming liquid) every year during the 4th of July. She used to have to get narcotics until I found this so now each year we cook turkey and give her the stuff so she will relax, even so she still has to be held most the night lest she will run and cower under the back of the toilet. I have no idea why she chooses there but apparently it is a dog thing.

Last night she was held, and coddled and then she seemed suddenly to get super hot while next to me on my bed. She was panting and then she suddenly decided she had to lay on my desk, I had to move the keyboard even. She DOES think she is a cat at times, and she DOES sit in the windowsill for hours a day, and she DOES sometimes get called by me saying "here kitty kitty kitty" but this is a first so I took a picture.


So that is the girls, thanks for letting me share.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

your personal station...

As I have been so privileged and fortunate to receive mail, er packages, from wonderful women in the blog world of late I wanted to comment on an interesting phenomenon.

Women in the IF world have some awesome stationary. I mean truly, chic beautiful, unique and wonderful stationary. The really interesting part though is that it is all our best stuff we are sending out. We each letter I comment on the gorgeousness of it and I never hear "what, that old stuff?" No my friends, what I hear over and over is along the lines of "oh my gosh isn't it, I totally got it as a gift and am not EVEN that cool!"

So it seems we in this IF world send stationary WAY WAY above our station. (damn I am punny)

I personally felt so belittled by the sheer chicness of Kristin's (Tobacco Brunette) stationary last cycle that I went out and specifically got some at Cost Plus. The sad thing is that just this past week I was going through a file drawer and came across even better stationary I already owned that I had totally forgotten.

The other thing I have noticed is that many beautiful ones tend to be really poorly thought out as they are so busy you can barely read written words on them even in black ink. It is like the paper equivalent of awesome heels. The less functional the more beautiful.

What is up with that?

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

blah blah blah...

I am doing ok today. Thanks so much for all the wonderful supportive comments. They mean so much and only all of you really get how much of a difference that kind of support makes.

I have started back on restrictive diet today and am doing ok so far.

I have also decided to sign up for a local CSA to have fresh veggies dropped off. I love veggies and hate how much go to waste each month. Bliss loves fruit mostly and some veggies, roomie likes 3 veggies and not very often. I am hoping getting the box will allow me to just work with what I have and use it up until it's gone.

This CSA is great because you can customize the order to not have stuff you don't like, which for me is okra, persimmons, and radishes. The first I do not even know if they have at any time and the last two I don't even hate, they would just be a waste. I love pretty much all other veggies, or want to. What is up with rhubarb??? I am a BIG pie maker but have never liked it in a pie. I am still determined to find ways to enjoy it though.

I also like that you can have it come every week or two weeks or three or whatever. I also LOVE that they deliver to the door. I signed up for a different one a couple years back and had such a time being at the pick up each week, or remembering. So this one is nice, plus it's all organic and local.

I saw two movies yesterday. We took Bliss to see Wall-E and it was such a great movie. We all really enjoyed it. It is so great to go out and spend that much and really love the movie. Then last night I watched 27 Dresses with a dear friend. It was cute and I totally enjoyed the company even if we were both in our homes chatting online. It is truly the little things that make such big differences sometimes.

I didn't mention in the last post but a few days ago I got a call from a neighbor, she said she was home from work and did I want to chat. This is very sweet but she never calls to just chat so as soon as I walked outside to chat across our shared fence I knew. She was soooo excited to tell me she was pregnant. They had decided to make an RE appointment in September so this is very nice for them. She knows all about my IVF's and mentioned it is why she was so excited and couldn't wait to tell me in particular. she knew because I was trying so hard I would just be that much more excited for her.

She is a very sweet woman and truly meant what she said. She truly does not understand and I am happy for her but there was this smile plastered to my face and my voice was about 3 octaves higher the whole time we chatted.