22dp5dt...(updated)

My latest beta is 4389.

It is slower than normal according to one place and within range at another.

I am just pretty confused right now.

The doc wants me in for an u/s tomorrow at 1pm.

So more waiting.

Any insight welcome.

UPDATE:
I wanted to take a second to say I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, and I am, pregnant, as I type this. The hard part, for me, is that this is what I want so desperately, deeply, soul wrenchingly much that it takes my breath away, and it is not going according to "best stats."
Does that mean it is doomed, absolutely not, but it makes it hard to just be thrilled. Many of you, unfortunately, know that when you have experienced pregnancy loss, on any level, you never have much comfort and ease during subsequent pregnancies if you are lucky enough to have one. I know this, I know that even with great numbers you can have loss, I had that last year this week. I just get so afraid of feeling that pain again.
For me every time I go to the dentist and I need a shot in my mouth I cry, no matter what the dentist does or how great he or she is, I cry. It never gets better. I know I can deal with it but it is still awful for me. Mel mentioned something like this with shots in general. I am lucky I have no trouble with any other shots, just ones in my mouth.
I have been through 2 pregnancy losses. I lived through them. I had an amazing child in between them. I know if the worst happens I will live but I am so afraid of that pain again. I just don't want it. I do my best to stay positive, but I am really afraid here folks.
I wish I weren't. I wish my head would shut up. I read my Buddhism books nightly to try and find a way to meditate right now. I talk to my belly. I visualize. But my head loves to tell me I am too fat to stay pregnant. Or it is doomed because I need it too much or want it too much. Last night in tears my roomie got an earful of me questioning why I don't feel I am enough for Bliss. I KNOW all of that is bullshit. I am well acquainted with the bullshit brigade that occupies space in my head. I just wish I didn't have to battle them off and tell them to shhh every 5 minutes because frankly they do not make this any easier.
So I just wanted to be clear. I am aware I am pregnant, and very thrilled, but presently in a lot of painful fear.
But I am trying, really I am.

limbo...

I first want to again thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement. It really makes it bearable, I am not kidding, I do not think I could deal with all of this without all the support here.

I have never done well with limbo. I have ended relationships rather than be in limbo in the past. It has always been really hard on me.

I put a call in to my doc yesterday. The fact that a nurse relayed the info and the fact that my doc has never been anything but terrific made me want to speak directly to him. He called me at 7pm last night and I missed it but he left a message saying he would call back or to page him because we would definitely speak that evening (see, he is really great.) SO he called back and we talked and I asked about the 48 vs. 72 hour thing. He said that in his experience the best results came from doublings in 48 hours. He also said he had seen many exceptions. He told me stories of women who had awful numbers and had not doubled even in 72 hours who had fine pregnancies.

He was warm and comforting and let me know he was right there with me in this and we would just keep moving forward. I will get the beta tomorrow and if it is still rising ok then he said he would see about fitting me in for an earlier ultrasound to see that the sac was filled, not expecting to see a heartbeat, but just seeing if things look ok. He agreed with me that basically we just don't know shit yet and I need to just try and relax and get through the next few days.

I also went to acupuncture yesterday. She said I was frustrated the minute she saw me. It helped me relax some. I also read a good book and took it easy all day. I am crampy gassy today and a bit uncomfortable but all in all doing ok.

I had a long talk with Bliss as well letting him know what was up and that I get another test tomorrow and I told him if the baby didn't keep growing well that it would be sad but we would try again. He agreed and said he was ok with all that and to just let him know how things are. He still insists on going to any u/s with me. I know this is because the last one he was at was the dead baby one last year. We talk about it though and he seems really ok. He is such an amazing being.

SO I am resting today and reading blogs and rooting on all who are dealing with this and other crap. I am dealing with the limbo, it just really sucks.

20dp5dt...

I just got my beta back for today.

2853

The doc is not happy with this and is sending me back in 2 days for another.
I am so tired of this shit.
And of course the Beta Base is down.
My progesterone is also only 17, which is so on par for me at 5-6 weeks but I am on a shot and a supp. so it should hold but still.

Back to waiting, and stressing, and trying not to.

the good, the bad, and the ugly...

The good:

My boobs finally hurt, a lot. Yay!
I am peeing more.
The veins are showing more in my breasts.
I have felt a few tiny little waves of queasiness.
I have taken a couple naps during the day.
The next beta is in 2.5 days.
The u/s is 12 days away.

The bad:

I am still very worried and fearful.
I have been up til midnight with a loud mind often.
For every blog that gives me hope 3 others trash it.
The u/s is 12 days away.

The ugly:

I am back at my highest weight ever.
I weigh more than the day I gave birth to Bliss.
The u/s is 12 days away.

thank you...

I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for their amazing support and comments. This blog has been a place where I can come and rant and rave and get out all the stuff that festers inside me sometimes. It has been so cathartic for me to have this space to let it all out. To add to that wonderful women who read and take the time to comment has been so amazing. I truly believe only those who have experienced it can truly understand what a positive impact it can have on a person. It certainly has had such an impact on me.

There are days when I feel like I am going to explode from worries and stresses and I feel like I have nowhere to turn. My RL friends are fantastic but none of them are dealing with IF and the one friend I have who is has had her kids, and while she is very supportive, as all my friends are, she is not in the throws of it where you need to constantly vent about it. Having this space and getting this support has made it possible for me to function and made it so I have not had a breakdown.

I say that in all seriousness. Being heard, and being understood is one of the most powerful and healing things in the world. It is why their are support groups, and therapists, and why seeking your clergy, or rabbi can be so helpful. It also is most helpful when the support person or group have experience with what one is dealing with and why this IF blog world is so helpful. I cannot imagine my life without it.

So I want to thank each and every one of you for reading my words even if you don't comment it makes a difference just knowing others hear me. And for those who do comment I want to say you are my lifeline, you help me know I am not alone, and help me face all of this and keep going even when I don't think I can take another cycle of hope and despair. You are all helping me stay grounded while I wait and pray/meditate that this pregnancy will keep going and I will make it through each milestone.

Thank you.

12dp5dt...

I had to wait far more than fair.

When they finally called I was crying by the time I said hello.

My beta is 374.

The tears turned into tears of relief.

Now I have to wait until Valentine's Day for the first u/s.

I have no idea how to do that.

10dp5dt...

Second beta is 129.

I would be so much happier with a 140 or more.
I know this is the first of many hurdles.
My doc wants me to go back Monday for another.
Today's was with a different lab and he says that can make a difference.
It isn't awful, it isn't perfect.
It is what it is.
I have a feeling this is going to be a long few weeks.
I really wanted a few more days before being terrified.

8dp5dt...

Apparently I am pregnant.
Not really believing it right now.
Beta is 70.
Progesterone is 28.7
I am in shock.
I actually didn't believe her.
I had to do a digital test to be sure.
I go back Saturday for a second beta.
I feel really calm and it is strange.
I am skeptical.
I hope this stays.

6dp5dt...

I POAS this morning and it was negative.

i have a dream...

(reposted from last year)

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity.

But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

4dp5dt...

pretty down
boobs won't hurt
despondent
feel hopeless
eating down all the feelings
feel like crap
fighting against feeling
this damn roller coaster
sigh


update:
I just hit post and went cruising around the blogs and read Mel's new/old post and am sitting here balling because it is so where I am at. It sucks so badly and it hurts so deeply and I am so tired of how all consuming it all is but there is no other way for me. And then I edit, here, and it is ridiculous.

brilliant...

I came across this via JB's blog via Cheese and Whine. I think it is amazing and keep watching it.
By far, 91 is my favorite. What is your favorite?

p.s. How do I get pics NOT to be transparent??? It is driving me nuts!

i told you so... (updated at bottom)

*********pre-post info to be updated with FET info later*********

I go in for my first FET, and hopefully my last, in a couple hours (11am). This is try #17 (I count the last m/c'd cycle) and I have many feelings jumbled up inside. I want this to work so badly but feel kind of removed from the whole thing. I am an air sign and work hard to ground myself. As a result I crave physical grounding often. I am not feeling too grounded, and I know it is a defense mechanism. I wish I could say the following was grounding for me, but, not so much. It is levity however, which is always good.

***************************************************************************

This post is about PIO in the thigh, PIO in the quad muscle, PIO in the leg. There, that will probably land plenty of people searching for it right here. I should know, I searched about it. I found basically only one place discussing it and that was Julie over at A Little Pregnant. I read the post, I read every comment even. The thing is I have this problem with terminal uniqueness. I always have. I think I am different.

Ha!

I have always used suppositories for progesterone. I get them from Medsmex.com and they are in a round ball form that makes no mess. I use them still but my doc wants me on the PIO as well. I had the sesame oil form last IVF cycle and I got knots in my rear that built up. They built up so badly that the day I got my negative beta I was barely able to walk and I limped pretty badly for almost 5 days after. I also have scar tissue in my rear from some very bad shots many many years ago. It has never healed and makes it pretty yucky.

This time I got the doc to order the PIO in Ethyl Oleate. It is much much thinner and goes in very easily. I have no problems with the going in part. Even with the sesame oil the shot itself was not my problem. Sure it is a pain to twist around to give it myself but not that hard, really. I have a problem with the knots and the pain that comes later. I had done 2 shots of this cycle and already felt a small one on one side. So my thinking was, spread it out. Spread out the shots to have less buildup in one area.

So I got the heating pad and made sure my muscle was not flexed or tight when I gave the shot. It went smoothly, and didn't hurt at all. I massaged it vigorously after and applied heat for about 45 minutes. Then about an hour and a half later I felt it start. The knot forming already. I knew I was in for it. Yesterday I was hobbling around with a knot the size of a grapefruit in my leg. Today it feels like I ran into the corner of a desk or table right at mid-thigh level. It is bearable, but ridiculous how big and bad it is.

I have been giving myself a big "I TOLD YOU SO" under my breath every so often throughout the day though. I need to work on the terminal uniqueness thing for sure.

Last night and tonight I am back to ass and I am just hoping they do not buildup like last time. SO far so good.

**********************************************************************
UPDATE:

All three made the thaw and all 3 were hatched per my wishes. I am so happy. I got a call from the embryologist about an hour before my appointment time telling me but it scared me when she called and I thought she was calling to say bad news.

The transfer went great and the placement was really good, everyone thought it was even way better than last time. The lil things were so bright I got a pic of them in my uterus after transfer. They are going to scan it for me so I can post it later.

Bliss was with me for transfer once again and all was good. On the drive home from my vantage point laying down in the back seat next to Bliss in his car seat I could see the moon out in the middle of a bright sunny day. THAT felt good too.

Beta next Thursday.

egg sucking...

I have been down the past couple days. I am so ticked off and angry at the pain and suffering of so many of us in the IF world. I get upset about the world at large often but the past couple days the losses surrounding TTC and IF have really gotten to me. What Kim is going through right now maybe hits home more for me because it is more specific to exactly what I went through. Seeing the baby and having the positive u/s with heartbeat and then loss is what I have been through twice. I know it will likely ruin any joy in early pregnancy for her as it did me.

There is this threshold one goes through depending upon when your particular loss was. Those with losses before u/s may (I stress may here) feel some comfort after a subsequent pregnancy with a positive u/s. Those of us who had that and then had a loss before second trimester may get some sense of relief after 15 weeks. Those who have had losses before movement was felt may feel better when that begins to happen with regularity. Those who have second trimester losses may feel better when they hit the third. Those who suffer still births... I do not know and cannot say but you get where I am going.

It is so fucked up and so wrong so many amazing wonderful people have to suffer so much. There is no pain and suffering Olympics here, just different kinds and different stories. I have a cousin who suffers from premature labor and has many problems with it. I never went into labor and after induction and 4 days of labor had to be cut open at 42 weeks for Bliss's birth. Both different, neither better or worse, less than or greater than.

We can look at the minutiae, the primary vs. secondary, the blighted ovum (hate that term) vs. late stage miscarriage, the male factor vs. unexplained, or whatever, but it doesn't matter. Like all pain it is relevant to the individual and totally subjective. The problem I have is the suffering in and of itself. Especially where it relates to people desiring nothing more than to raise and love another being. It sucks rotten eggs bad.

So anyhoo that is where I have been and please know I am so sorry Kim and Cali and everyone else right now with a heavy heart and an aching soul, I wish so much I could ease the pain and make their dreams realities instantly.

all systems go...

I have a tri-linear lining of >10.6 so all is a go. Tomorrow is my last Lupron shot and my first PIO and the FET will be on the 16th at 11am.

I feel a lot of things, conflicting things, but am doing ok.

the latest...

So after 48 hours and 17 minutes we got power back. It took them just under 10 minutes to restore it. I think that was the most infuriating part. That it was simply a transformer and the whole reason we went so long was because we just were not important to them. Restoring power to Starbucks was far more urgent.

As for UPS I refused the expired pastries and am battling them over the lies the driver told. They admitted it was not a usual driver and they have promised to call me after speaking directly to him but we shall see. The bakery is working with me to ensure we all get ALL of our money back, I am really hoping we do. In the meantime I had them send the order again and it should be here tomorrow. Let's hope.

On the FET front some semi-exciting news. I have been pretty vocal about wanting assisted hatching with my FET. My clinic usually does not hatch blastocysts. They often do day 3 embryos but not so much the blasts. Well I finally got to speak with the embryologist and she said she was more than willing but was concerned with managing the amount of acid with a blast. She also admitted to me that she had never personally hatched blasts as it just wasn't something they did, but that she was more than willing to do so. I told her I had researched about this and found an article from an Embryologist on the East Coast about blasts and hatching. The part I was most interested in was where he recommended having your embryologist contact him about blast hatching protocol. I told her this and she said she would be happy to speak with him and to get her his email or phone number. I told her I would send her an email within the next 24 hours.

I next wrote her with his clinics website address and number and gave her 2 emails but told her I wasn't sure if either was current. I called his clinic yesterday but it had already closed as it is on the East Coast and I on the West. I left a message detailing what I was wanting. Today I called the clinic again and explained what I wanted and the next moment he was on the phone. He was very kind and thoughtful and explained he would be happy to speak with my embryologist. He explained that that was actually what he preferred and enjoyed and to just have her call him. I explained her concerns with acid control and he said yes it was a definite concern and there was an easy "work around" for it, that the protocol had been published years back but it was done so in an obscure publication that many embryologists just didn't usually see. I thanked him profusely and gave her name and mine so he would know when she called. I hung up and wrote an email to my embryologist detailing my conversation with him and re-stating his phone number and that he looked forward to her call.

I just got online after a day out and about and had an email from my embryologist. She informed me she had spoken with him this morning and that he had called her. He walked her through his protocol and she got some useful info. She also told me she felt that the "embryos will do just fine" (We had discussed a possibility of only hatching 1 or 2 instead of the three for worries about just this thing). She then thanked me for putting her in touch with him and said it was very helpful.

Well I can tell you all I feel just so super-duper about all of that. I mean every corny word there, it really gave me a boost. I am also once again so impressed with my clinic and their willingness to work with me, guide me, learn for themselves if applicable, and allow me to learn. It makes me want this so much more for them as well as myself.

So on that note I am happy this evening, feeling less blah for now. I have my u/s on Thursday and a week from tomorrow hopefully 3 little possibilities will be snuggling in for a long ride.

the storm...

I live in Northern California. There is and was a storm here. Three to be exact. Yes there was high winds. There has not been even half the rain they predicted. California is a huge hypochondriac when it comes to weather. We get half an inch and we have 24 hour news coverage for STORMWATCH 2007 or whatever.

I am on hour 32 of no power.This is not a line down. My across the street neighbors have never had any power loss. This is all because a transformer blew, it does so often. We, however, are low priority. So now I have a 43 degree home for the past day, and all my food thawing. I went out and got a mini propane stove to cook a little and boil water for tea and coffee. Still no power and no estimate of when it will be returned. It is also roomie and mama dog's birthday today. They share a birthday which is so appropriate, and I feel so badly for them both.

I finally went out and bough a generator for over $900 which I charged and it killed me. I cannot think what else to do. It is cold but not cold enough to preserve all the food in both freezers and refrigerators. We now have them back on and my son has his Gamecube for a bit which makes his whole life happy (rolling my eyes).

To top this off I ordered an Almond Torte, Cannoli and two Cheesecakes to be over-nighted from Veniero's in New York. My roomie grew up there and loved the place so I get them sent every year. Well UPS says they tried delivering yesterday, which is a lie, and the package had no signature required as well. We were home all day yesterday specifically to get said package. They also delivered something to my house at 6pm and it was not the treats so they cannot say it was the storm. We paid $120 for the shipping alone and now they tell me they will re-try on Monday when the stuff will surely be spoiled. I am refusing and working with the shop, who are great and just as ticked BTW, but it just adds to my mood for sure.

Adding to all of this is the horrid news Cali got this week. I am so crushed for her, so deeply crushed. I feel like I was way to positive about it and it has really taken me for a loop. Please send her so much love right now.

I AM happy that this is not my FET week though, now that would have really put me over the edge.

FET ultrasound...

I had my baseline u/s today. It was later than normal because of the holidays. I have been on the Estrogen patches for 3 days. All was great. My lining is already 9.2 whish is interesting. It still needs to develop the uterine layers before the procedure but all is on target. An interesting, the day before I started the patches, and on Lupron, I had CM. I keep telling people I am estrogenic, I swear.

So my FET is in 2 weeks if all goes as it looks to. If the lining had issues it could get pushed later which is fine, but I doubt it. I am hoping all 3 blasts make the thaw. My clinic has an over 85% thaw rate which is good. I also plan of having some form of assisted hatching done on them, but we have to see them first since some may hatch on their own during the thaw.

The doc and his nurse wife were fantastic as usual. I am so very lucky on that front.

I am feeling pretty blah about it all. Likely my defense mechanisms.

I was thinking about my pregnancy with Bliss today. It came after my first m/c and while I was so lucky to get pregnant first try back after the m/c I was so very worried about it. At 5 weeks after much progesterone testing at my insistence they said no more and I balled and begged for more. My levels had been in the 20's and they said it was gratuitous but they allowed me one more test. The test showed a dramatic drop and I almost lost Bliss. I was immediately on bed-rest and tons of suppositories. I got through it and have my Bliss, but what I was remembering was how sure I was I would never get to have a baby. I wanted it more than anything in the world. Every wish I ever made in a fountain, every star I gazed upon I wished for a child someday. But when I was pregnant I just truly believed it would never happen, that I wouldn't be allowed. Even after he was born I was sure it was a dream, or some mistake and someone was coming to take him away at any minute. I had bruises on my arms for his first year, I kid you not, from pinching my arms so often to be sure it wasn't a dream.

To this day it still seems unreal at times and I have trouble believing how fortunate I am. And now the same thing is there again, but after 16 tries and one more m/c and a failed IVF it just seems as if I am back being sure I will never get to have this. I spoke of defense mechanisms and maybe that is at play, but I just feel like somewhere deep inside I am convinced it will never happen. I try and tell myself I felt this way before and look how it turned out, but it doesn't give much comfort.

The thing is though, even before, even when I knew I would never get to be pregnant and end up with baby in arms I also knew I would never stop trying until I did. Just as much as I knew I would never get to have a child I also knew I could never live the rest of my life without becoming a mother. I do not fully understand how that happened but I feel like I am there again. I am convinced I will not get to have this thing but at the same time I cannot imagine allowing it not to happen.

It makes for so much angst when I start to really go there and feel it all.

So yeah, I guess I am only allowing the blah in instead.

huh...

I realized about a week ago that I had passed my one year blogiversary back in October. Strange that I didn't notice. So yay me. Rah.

OK That's done.

I am battling this cold thing sweeping the nation. I lost my voice for 3 days. It wasn't painful but it was exhausting. The effort it took to "push air" to communicate was so draining. Bliss kept asking me to use my normal voice. I had to explain it over and over. Then he got fine with it and my voice changed yet again to some new croaking squealing sound and he told me to use the other sick voice. He is so funny.

Speaking of funny he informed me yesterday he was a "gorgeous punk" (I often call him a punk) and I was an "ordinary punk." I was offended for about 3 minutes, then I asked him if he knew what ordinary meant. He said no. I laughed. He also told me my suggestion to him about a game wasn't the right antidote. I have no idea where he learns these words.

We have spent this week laughing together a lot. The Lupron really is manageable at 5 units. Today I began estrogen patches and Dexamethasone. I am not sure what I am feeling. This is the time of year I stress over money. Well I always stress over it but this is the time of year it is much worse than usual. Add to that the microwave arching and smoking requiring a new one, the house breaker going bad and needing replacing (a lovely $60 Zinsco type), the car DVD player suddenly going bad and needing replacing, and Bliss's Leapster going on the fritz and needing exchanging I am about done with all this bad electronics karma. All but the last cost so much to replace and at such a hard time of year. Between Bliss's birthday, x-mas and my roomies birthday later this week it is a rough time anyways. Now it is downright painful.

I am also stressing about this damn housing market. We will be putting our house up for sale one year from now. This slump has got to end by then or we are in major trouble. I do not want anything to impede the move to Canada and this so could.

Whew. OK so now that is out there. It helps me tremendously to purge this stuff from time to time. I have my biorhythms and meditation to help me relax and writing this out helps as well.

I am still pretty numb about the upcoming FET. I am not sure how much is defense mechanism and how much is residual pain from the failed IVF. I thought I was past it a little further than I obviously am. I still have days where the tears overtake me and says where I am Miss Bitter but for the most part I am doing pretty well considering.

As for diet and exercise I am still off for one more week. I order from a special New York bakery every year for my roomies birthday. She grew up there and I have all her favorites sent. Her b-day is the 5th so I have given myself through the 7th to indulge, then I begin again to be sensible and work out 3 times a week again. I have not been weighing myself since quite frankly I do not want to know.

My first ultrasound this cycle is coming up on the 2nd. I will likely feel a bit better after that.

Happy New Year to all. May this year bring you what you need and may your also find it is exactly what you want.

the new cycle...

Happy Holidays to everyone. Thanks so much for reading, supporting, and being there. It is truly amazing how much it helps to have a place to come and vent and find others who truly understand. It is also saving me the cost of a therapist right now which is an added bonus. I wish for each and every one of you peace in your hearts and peace in your homes and I wish for the world some much needed Peace.

I am bleeding like the Amazon River. It is a good thing since it is cleansing and so much better than the pent up feeling the week before. I began Thursday late afternoon. I began BCP on Friday for 5 days. I start Lupron tomorrow. The FET is scheduled for the 16th. There was some confusion about what my schedule would be and what my Lupron dose would be but it got worked out. I said I was fine with whatever but was confused when we discussed one way and I got emailed a different way. They revised it and it is back to the first way. It is hard because I want it like yesterday, but I don't want to rush things in a way that makes it less than ideal. That is a balancing act I am not sure how to do.

Did any of you do your FET the cycle after your IVF with success? I don't see why it would be a problem but the paranoia sets in no matter what I do.

In other news I have been ready for the Holiday for eons but have yet to wrap stuff. I should wrap as I buy throughout the year but alas I haven't mastered that yet. I went to bed early last night so maybe tonight I will find some time. Today I have been addressing Holiday Cards since we FINALLY took the picture for it and had them printed up.

Have a wonderful weekend and week.

P.S. If anyone knows how to make it so when I post a pic it isn't transparent I would greatly appreciate it.

a new plan..

I have been doing ok, not crying too much and eating homemade mac n cheese until I am numb. Until today. I had emailed the doc after talking to his wife (the nurse) and going over all my wishes and questions about doing the FET. I emailed him Friday and hadn't heard back yet. I called today and left a message and finally he called me this evening. This is unusual, he always writes me back fast. Well he had been looking for my email all weekend and had never gotten it. I re-sent it as we spoke and he got it and went over it.

We talked on the phone tonight for an hour and a half. I love this man, truly. He is so kind and thoughtful and thorough. We went over my every fear and my every question. We discussed two different types of natural FET cycles. He discussed success rates and medical studies. We went over how the schedule would go and what could come up as a problem. If I was to do the natural FET that was in my head, ovulating on my own then timing the FET the only possible hindrance would be if my cycle wasn't "regular."

I then asked about what the schedule would be on the medicated FET and what meds and amounts. I realized that the one time your cycle isn't "normal" is when you need it to be. I also realized I am not in a place to handle a cancelled FET due to a weird cycle.

I also discussed my feeling of being "broken." Not from an emotional standpoint, although that is certainly a factor right now, but from a scientific standpoint. I have been pregnant three times. I have a child. Now I cannot get pregnant. What is wrong with my body that wasn't before? I know age plays a role but I just cannot seem to accept that for myself.

I also discussed the diet and how it has been out the window. I worry now I will stress about staying on it. I have no PCOS and no diabetes in my family but the insulin stuff can affect things. We decided to put me on Metformin as well this cycle which takes some pressure off.

So I stop the progesterone now and begin BCP the day I start menses. I will be on it for only 5 days and start Lupron on day 4. I am only going to be on 5 units of the Lupron which is very good news since how acted on 10 units last time. After that I will start Vivelle patches for almost 2 weeks and then begin PIO for 5 days until the transfer. I will be getting my exact schedule in the next day or so and will post more when I have it.

I am glad to be back to having a plan. I will also be transferring all that make the thaw, potentially 3, and they will be hatched as well.

I ran errands today and in the aisle at the grocery store I stood there as three pregnant women came to get things on the same shelf I was at, one after another. I felt like I was being bombed. I am so ultra sensitive right now. I am walking on eggshells with my self which is ridiculous.

The emotions are so layered. I am ok on the surface much of the time with this sadness just below. Deeper I am layer upon layer of fear and devastation that comes gushing to the surface like a geyser but not at any regular intervals. I feel beaten by myself, my body, my dreams and hopes. And then when I feel like I cannot breathe from the pain and will surely suffocate, it goes back deep down and I am pretty ok again.

So now I wait to bleed.

7dp5dt (beta day)...

HCG<1

I spent the last two days crying pretty much non-stop. I am still crying today but not as much. Having a test of less than one means they never even implanted even a little. I will be doing an FET, hopefully natural except for estrogen and progesterone. I also want to do it next cycle so if I stay on the PIO a few more nights I can hopefully push my cycle back a bit so I will be ovulating the first week of January instead of the last week of December. We shall see if it works. I currently have a heating pad glued to my ass to keep the pain down, I am about to add Margarita's to the mix and it should improve even more.

So I had been doing fine with the PIO shots. I was able to use the 25 g needle which helped and it had been fine. I have lumps in my hips but the pain has been minimal. If I press down on the area it is a bit sore but otherwise OK. I alternated sides each night and had my calendar marked which side to do so I would not forget.

Last night I did my right side, no problems. This morning I woke up crippled on my left side. The lumps seem to have congealed together in the night somehow and I cannot manage to walk without this strange limp/hitch in my get-up thing. I am in a LOT of pain and it makes no sense. I used a heated rice bag this morning but it still is just killing me.

I would say that I am lucky then that my HCG came back <1 and I can stop the shots but even that isn't happening.

6dp5dt...

After another negative hpt I am feeling pretty down. Staring at that whiter than white half of the test all I feel is this fear and anger bubbling up. Yesterday I spent the entire morning crying and mourning for our Sarah and today I am just bitter. I am angry at all the cliche things to be angry at. I am angry that I anguish over the caffeine in some chocolate I ate and it's possible effects on me getting pregnant while another junkie gets knocked up with her 4th kid. I am angry at all of my friends who have 2 or more children which is entirely unfair and awful of me. I am angry that desire means jack shit in this IF world. I am angry that I am too fat to get pregnant and even when I went through hell and lost the weight and got pregnant I lost the baby. I am angry that financially it is an awful time to keep trying but I have to because of my age and the fact that we are moving in 13 months. I am angry that I cannot give my son the thing he wants and needs most beyond my love. I am angry at how I look at my body now, after so many years learning to rejoice in it and love it flaws and all, but this flaw I cannot seem to forgive. I am angry that I get to feel pregnant through this wait, that I know well what feeling pregnant is like as I have been pregnant three times, but I also know that this feeling doesn't mean shit.

My beta is tomorrow. I will go early and wait patiently but I have little hope.

4dp5dt...

I am doing ok. I have been taking it easy. Even when I went to get groceries I let the bagger take the bags out to the truck and my roomie take them in the house. I even asked someone in a parking lot to put up my tailgate (it's big and heavy) for me, which is not easy for me. I am very strong, truly, in an uncanny way. When I was in grad school I bought my first fridge and I carried it on my back from my truck to my apartment. So explaining to others I cannot lift anything over 10 pounds is strange, but I am happy to do so for the cause.

As for how I feel it is useless to get to much into it. I am on tons or progesterone and estrogen and I know they give all the symptoms I have. My boobs hurt and are full, my womb feels heavy, and I have cramps on and off throughout the day. All things I have felt when pregnant, and when not.

I am still starving all the time but I refuse to stress over it. If I told you what I ate for breakfast today you would think me truly a whale.

I will likely POAS early, maybe tomorrow but I am not sure. Friday is still beta day #1.

I get a little freaked out about what I will do with either outcome potential. I know I can do an FET next and even another IVF after of this doesn't happen. I also know it will hurt like hell. If it does happen my biggest goal is to really try and enjoy every minute I remain pregnant. Having had 2 m/c's after heartbeat was seen sucks so much for feeling good at all in the first trimester and I really want to try and change how I deal with that and try and focus on enjoying every moment. Much easier said than done. But I only hope I get to have that struggle.

Peace.

1dp5dt...

I have spent the day watching movies and eating and drinking pom and soda water.
I am a bit crampy but not bad at all.
I went to bed last night at 8pm which was great.
I got the call from the embryologist this afternoon. The last one didn't make it. So I have three embryos frozen. One grade 1, one grade 2, and one grade 3.
I will take that and try to remain very positive.
I will spend tomorrow in bed as well and then take it easy the rest the week.
I would like to get a hold on this ravenous hunger thing as well.

transfer...

I am home from the transfer and the acu.
5 made it to blast and another is getting another day.
We transferred 2 grade 2 blasts that looked great with little to no fragmentation.
The doc and embryologist felt transferring 3 was too big a triplet risk with me.
Bliss was brought in for the transfer and held my hand and right when the plunger was pushed, unbeknown to him., he bent down and kissed my hand. I almost cried and it was magic.

I am laying down and watching movies.

wow...

I just got the call. I am being moved to a day 5 transfer. Two of the three others caught up and I have 7 going to blast, or trying at least. I am pretty surprised but also excited and then also feeling like damn!, now I have to make it through two more days.

random utterings...

"I would rather eat a cup than blow up a balloon by myself and be afraid of the dark."

Bliss age 5

fertilization report...

I just got the call. Of the 11, five have fertilized normal, three are on the wait and see list and three were abnormal. The interesting thing was the three abnormal were all extra sperm entering the egg. So I have 5 so far and a possible 3 more.

I am ok with this. I am not gonna lie I would have liked all 11 to fertilize but this is still good.

Now I wait until Wednesday to see if I will be having my transfer at 9:30am on that day or if it will be pushed back to Friday. I am pretty sure it will be Wednesday.

ER done...

I just got home from the ER. They got 11 eggs and the doctor was very pleased. I feel good and am happy to say I did not get queasy which usually happens.
Diet plan pretty much out the window today. I HATE that an IHOP is right next door to the clinic.
I will get the fertilization report tomorrow and then Wed. I will know if ET is then or Friday.

p.s. I thought with the IVF finally commencing it was time for a new template and that the dandelion fit with my big wish right now.

p.p.s. Thanks to this video I have also given my first PIO shot completely painlessly with a 25g needle. YAHOO!!