because it makes me smile...

I am back in the 2ww as of today. One insem today and another tomorrow. I have the major Clomid bloat going on with lots of crampiness. I am glad to be back in a 2ww though, I always do better mentally during this phase than the waiting to O or waiting to flow phases.

I began this blog just before Bliss turned 4. The responses to his pictures have truly been so sweet and even healing to hear. I am taking this opportunity to post some of my favorite pics of my baby from his first day here. It is my way to share and gush all at once. There is also another great pic of the infamous hat (hint, hint).

The day of his birth.


The day after he was born.


My mama dog Dirt would always lay with us as he breastfed, keeping watch on my milkdrunk boy.



This picture is far to accurate an account of how I look naked these days.



SO darn cute it hurts. I LOVE HIS BOOTY!!!







This picture was the winning picture in the contest at our Cloth Diaper Service.




Such attitude, but with such humor as well, to me this conveys all that so well.






Hat picture.


One of my all time favorites. He loves water and liked playing in it, I loved the way the sun streamed in and the look in his eyes.



My other all time favorite. His eyes slay me.

the story of the hat...

This is a picture of the first time Bliss was at the beach. He took a handful of sand and ate it. It was gross but I let him have at it. The hat on his head was my favorite. It was the only hat he ever let me put on him without tearing off. He loved it. It was made from cotton and I believe crocheted. It had a ton of give and would even fit my huge head. I envisioned him wearing it all his life. I have no clue where we lost it. I rarely ever lose things. I am sure it feel out of the stroller at a store or park one day. I twice tried to hire someone to make me another exactly like it. It had been a gift and there was no way to buy it anywhere. I probably spent in excess of 20 hours online trying to find another exactly like it. The hat I bought on our trip is vastly different, and much warmer, but it is in the same spirit of this one.

If anyone ever sees this hat, I will happily pay for it and it's shipping to get to us.

So now ya'll know the story of the hat.

In other news I am on cd 7, have ordered the vials, and am in the midst of Clomid hell, but besides that all is well.

truly, madly, deeply...

I am home again, I have been home since the start of this week but my baby had to have dental surgery today and I was in worry mode. He is all done, and doing well after a hard morning. I am able to breathe again and share about my trip.


We had such a wonderful time together. It amazes me. I go out of town with my child and I feel like I have grown to love him so much more. I have no idea how that is even possible, but my heart expanded about a hundred fold this past week. We took 101 home and stopped at all the big redwoods which was so fun. The entire 7 hours up there he watched movies and I drove. The entire way home there were no movies, and we talked and laughed the entire time. He is sooooo my Bliss in every sense of the word.




The school stuff we didn't do up there but he got this book because I told him he could if he drew an "A". This is the first letter he has ever drawn and I have tons of pictures.


The beach was overcast but not cold. It was so nice as it has this huge sandbar. He was naked in minutes of course, and we played in some quicksand sand we found.


This picture was taken at my friend's graduation. He had on his "nice" button up shirt and was so adorable. It was cold and drizzling, but we had a nice time. He actually sat in my lap, still, for over an hour and a half. A first for sure.


I bought this hat for him which is adorable. I had a rainbow hat for him when he was little that I adored but lost. I will post a pic of it later, but this one is to replace that.


My friend took him and her son for a ride in their bike trailer. Bliss had a blast.

This was before we left, we had gone to feed the ducks. I love these overalls but he rarely wants to wear them.

sigh...

I am not pregnant.
I am frustrated, and feeling a bit down.
I am in stasis and it is not a real good way to live.
With my life on hold in so many ways.
But I will keep trying, and keep plugging along.
On a positive note I am going up north tomorrow with Bliss.
We are going to a dear friends graduation from College.
We will go to the beach, me the whale.
We will have s'mores.
We will have our first vacation in years.
Bliss is so excited and I am as well.
We have also started school, he and I.
Each day we work on letters, numbers, writing.
He has never been into drawing so now he is learning.
I was always a high school teacher, my forte.
It is so different teaching this age, and then that it is my child.
I find myself getting upset telling him he knows how to do it, to just try.
Then I pull back an breathe and he smiles and says,
"Go with the flow mama."
It is our mantra for when we get cranky.
Today school started out pretty icky, but we were both tired.
We took a 4 hour nap together.
The first in ages and longest in years.
We woke up and he wanted to do school again.
It went great.
He is teaching me so much.
I just want to give him a sibling in return.
Sigh.

again...

11 dpo negative hpt

desire...

It's 9:58pm, I just finished watching Grey's Anatomy (Tivo) and , as usual, am in tears. I enjoy the show a lot. The very end of this episode was Meridith's voice saying that desire causes all sorts of feelings and emotions. That wanting causes all sorts of suffering. This is right in line with my Buddhism. But she ends the show saying that "those who suffer the most are the ones who don't know what they want."

BULLSHIT

I am well acquainted with suffering. I have been through years of it, both self and tragically induced. In theory those who suffer the most are those that grasp the hardest, but amount is irrelevant.

I know what I want. I can spell it out, it minute detail. I am aware of it every waking moment of my life. I have gotten it largely. My son, a child, it was my greatest desire. But desire changes. My only desire now is to raise him well, to be a good mama, to help him learn to love himself through all the crap life throws at you. I am also convinced, that for him, for me, for us and our specific situation I can do that best if I give him a sibling.

Before I get comments saying I can raise an only child up to be happy please stop. I am sure that is true, just as I am sure anyone can be happy if they have the right mindset. This is not about that. This is not about how I can change my beliefs, or how I raise my kid. This is about my desires. My need to give my child a sibling. My need to carry another child, to feel another baby move in my womb. My desire to know I can love another child as much as my son, not play favorites and dole out different parcels of love for each child as was doled out to me growing up. My desire to unconditionally love my children and raise them knowing , maybe just even having a notion, of how to unconditionally love themselves.

This is about my desire to see Bliss as a big brother, nurturing and loving his sibling in such a fantastic way as I know he will. This is about my desire to give him his desire, and that is so much stronger than any I could manufacture for myself.

And it hurts, it aches, the longing. And I try and do the things I need to to make it possible, all the while trying to not be frozen in limbo until it comes to fruition.

I am a grasper, and I happen to have a really really strong hold.

on the road again...

I am in a much better place. I think just admitting I was down and getting it all out helped me a lot. I even got on the treadmill twice this week so far.

The sperm arrived yesterday along with my first positive opk. I did one insem. early this morning and will do another tonight. Then it is back to the 2ww. I do better during this phase than the waiting to bleed phase, that is for sure.

down...

i am down
the virginia tech tragedy is awful
the fact that 33 make daily headlines while hundreds get no photos
that we have taken women's rights back 50 years was the straw
the fact that we continue to murder. torture and commit war crimes
the fact that not one american media source is speaking up
we are a nation of bullies and sheep
where is the outrage?
i cannot breathe from choking on mine
couple this all with ttc after a m/c
with taking clomid, estrogen, and progesterone
couple this with 70 pounds hard lost and 50 gained back so damn easily
mix it all up
i am down
wading through and moving forward, but slowly
and sadly
i will get through but it sucks
and i hold on to our pending canadian immigration as a life buoy
but this week is rough

cd8

for shites sake...

Today is cd34, or cd1 depending how you look at it. I am finally, FINALLY, having some spotting. This is officially my longest cycle ever and it has sucked ass!!
I just want to bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed and let it all go. Then I can get back to the business of beginning again.
I am feeling icky lately. I feel like in my head I am being judgemental of everyone and everything and it does not sit well with me. I read about some people who have tried 5 times and are ready for a 6 month break. It made me nuts. This is silly, people can do what they want and/or need to do for themselves, but my internal dialog was loud. I am sure it is because of recent comments from RL friends about if I will keep TTC. I will keep TTC another 6 months at least before I look into a change in protocol. And then it would be injectibles and then IUI perhaps, although timing is never my problem. But the only stopping in my mind would be menopause, and in my family that happens closer to 60 than 50 and I am looking at 40 so I think I am some time, in my mind at least.
So back to judgement. I would never say something, but I do not like the thoughts. It is ugly. It is all wrapped up in my own baggage I know, as is most my judgemental behaviors but I want to work on it. Even having the thoughts clouds how I live, I know this. If only I was working on my Buddhist practice I am sure this would be worked out, but alas, as with the treadmill, my eating and my social life, all our currently non-existent.
I am trying to tackle each one head on though. Purging is usually my first step.

not pregnant...

I am not pregnant. I have always tested positive by this time and I don't "feel" pregnant either.
I am bummed, and some fear of it taking 8 more tries again comes up, but I am trying to just drop all that. I will probably get my flow this weekend and then begin again.

I was speaking with someone yesterday and told them I had tested negative. They asked me if I was going to try again.

????????????????????????????

That ticked me off. A lot. A good friend last month and I were talking. It was right around insemination time. I said "wish me luck, think lots of positive pregnancy thoughts for me" and she said "I am thinking positive for whatever happens, either way" and that too ticked me off. It is like people are thinking I may never get pregnant and carry to term. That is not a possibility in my thoughts, not even close. My only thoughts and fears are around how long it may take. So it hurts when others make those assumptions.

For now I am just trying to focus on the next 30 days.

...

BFN this morning.
I will do one more tomorrow.

vent...

This TWW has been a highly emotional one. I do not want to get all my hopes up. I got pregnant the first try back after my previous m/c so I place pressure on it all from that. Then I have huge mood swings, cannot remember anything to save my life, am crying over 20 times a day, I kid you not, and have various other symptoms. All of these things can be attributed to a Clomid cycle and the current Progesterone I am on. I know this. So I feel like I have to just ignore it all, and not get caught up, and almost be frozen in a way so I won't be too upset if it takes some time again. But with the crying every 15 minutes it makes it a little hard.

I keep feeling this need to vent all of these issues I have. To vent about my bio family abandoning/disowning me. Vent about my abusive childhood. Vent about my body issues, my eating issues, my shopping issues. Vent about how irritated I find it that I am almost 40, hold a Masters degree and a friggin commercial or tv show can remind me that I am STILL in so much pain over the emotional and physical abuse of my childhood. I have been through the therapy. I am not depressed about it, I do not think about it daily, I have let it go. Many times. And that is my point. How can we let something go and let it go and let it go and yet still be affected. How can what happened when we were small affect us forever no matter how much therapy or healthy living we do. It makes me terrified of how I can ever raise Bliss without messing him up. I have 65 year old friends who still turn 12 when around their parents.

So, to come back from that tangent, I am am emotional basket case, all hormone induced (except for a small dose of full moon thrown in) and I am trying to just get to Thursday and be zen with whatever outcomes happens.

Ha

Yeah right.

wishing...

I did the insemination on Saturday night.

Now on to the wishing.

trying to get this out...

I have a LOT of anxiety as inseminating draws nearer. I am anxious about just trying again as it brings the miscarriage up in my mind and makes it feel more recent and raw. I am anxious about trying and not getting pregnant the first try, or for multiple tries. I am ALSO anxious about getting pregnant the first try or within the first 1-2 tries. I am anxious about being pregnant again and not getting pregnant, again, and it is FUCKED!!!!!!!!!

I HATE that all I seem to want to do is fixate with either shopping or eating yummy but fattening comfort foods.

I HATE that I can't seem to do even a half hour on the treadmill, and it is something I truly enjoy.

I HATE that I have gained back to much of the weight I worked so very hard to lose and for the first time in my life have become a yo-yo dieter.

I HATE that I feel like any possible joy I could have about getting pregnant has been forever taken from me.

I HATE that I feel dread at thinking about my first trimester of pregnancy.


If and when (note the positive thinking on my part) I get pregnant again, how do I even begin to go through the first trimester. It is all shit. I feel like the whole thing is blown before it even gets here. Sheer misery during what should be a joyous time. This recent pregnancy was plagued by so much fear, especially at the start. I had few happy moments and spent most of the time feeling like I was holding my breath. I thought I did well to boot. I had real happy moments, and moments of feeling so lucky and like all was well and would be.

This recent pregnancy was over 5 years since my last miscarriage. Now I am trying again after only one full cycle, and after knowing even with progesterone things can go horribly wrong. Now how am I to find comfort, peace, sleep, breath? It is such a crock. I can say I will do the meditation cd's again, and the guided imagery. I will try and stay busy. I will work on my beliefs that the Universe has a plan for me, that the Goddess knows what she is doing. Try working on my flailing Buddhist studies and not grasp so desperately to all that desire.

BULLSHIT.

There is no way around it, and I am pissed. I feel cheated before I am even there again, but please don't mistake me, I so desperately want to be there again. I want to be terrified and miserable, and having nightmares. I want it all because it will mean I am pregnant and there is the possibility, the hope, that it will stick and grow OK and I will end up with a baby.

But I am so lost as to how to get through that first trimester if not longer.

All of these thoughts have been keeping me up nights. They have been causing me to feel anxious and snappish and frustrated. I feel off balance and frankly do not really know how to deal with it.

But I am trying, and my first step was writing it out here.

on to "e"...

I finished my last Clomid last night. I am glad. I am lucky not to have extreme side effects from it but I have been having insomnia and I am choosing to believe it is from the Clomid. It was strange that I am on a higher dose and did not have hot flashes 20 minutes after taking this time. That happened before.

Tonight I begin taking Estrogen for 5 days.

My period is also finally over. My word it was heavy.

I have also ordered my vial, I am only doing one vial this time. I usually only have ever done one. This last pregnancy I had done 2 but the second insem was almost moot when I found my cervix had already closed and tilted back.

I made a nice Irish meal yesterday and even had a small glass of champagne. Bliss decided that he was done with all things green and wasn't interested in the green jello shapes I made him. He is not yet into jello which is fine, but I am not much into it either so it was rather a waste. lol Oh well, it was fun to try for him.

I am still isolating and really trying to work on it but other than that I feel pretty good, both physically and emotionally.

flooding...

I use a Diva Cup. I love it. It had lessened my cramps, of which I have an awful history. It is easy. I don't have to worry about running out of supplies. It also has an added bonus of letting one who is curious about all things biological know exactly how much blood loss her period is.

I have always had heavy periods. Sometimes very heavy as in a super plus tampon every 45-60 minutes. I now know I do not fall into the "normal ranges" category of losing 1-3 ounces total during her entire period. I usually lose more like 8-12 ounces. I am used to this and deal with it.

This period, however, is not falling into my usual category either. Last night I was emptying my cup every hour and it was overflowing each time. That is an ounce an hour. I was up at 2:20, 3:30, 4:15, and 5:25 and each time I was an overflowing mess. In the past 24 hours I have lost over 16 ounces, just in 24 hours, not since my period started. I called the doc and he said if I got to the "big gulp" amount that I should call back. He first said a "big mason jar" and then changed to "big gulp". I liked mason jar better, I am not a big gulp kinda gal. The doc on call for my OBGYN was the same doc who did my D&C so that was cool. He also said if I wanted he could "abort my period with starting me on birth control pills". No thank you. I am supposed to start Clomid tonight and do not have any interest in messing with this cycle. I am sure the fact that I am on Aspirin therapy isn't helping matters as my flow is very "flowy" of that makes sense. It isn't thick at all. No clots.

He was very kind and told me when to be concerned and what to look for. I am OK. I am upping my protein and iron intake today. I am tired and a bit loopy but OK. I was thinking though, your period is your lining sloughing off. So how can it be "bleeding" technically. Apparently it can be but I am not sure how. It would seem like I just grew a HUGE lining since the D&C but if the doc said it can be dangerous at that magic "mason jar" quantity, what exactly is the danger? Is it actually bleeding, as in a loss of total blood volume in your body? These are things I wonder at 4 am.

Other thing. My OBGYN gave me new Rx's for the Clomid/estrogen/progesterone trio. When she wrote them the other day we had assumed I was on 150mg of Clomid. I just realized that I had been on 100mg of Clomid before, not 150mg. So do I take the 150 this time or only the 100. I think the only reason the amount is upped is because we recalled incorrectly and didn't check the past Rx. Part of me thinks oh just take what you did before, but part of me says, well you WERE prescribed this amount so you should take it. I start tonight either way.

Enough rambling I have to get back to the bathroom before another flood.

flowing...

So it is here. I am back in the game it seems. It came back earlier than I thought. It has been 4 weeks since the D&C. I somehow figured it would take 6 weeks.

I am filled with emotions. I am happy to be able to start TTC again. I am worried if I don't get pregnant soon, and if I do.

I DO feel like with my flow came some vitality though. I worked in the yard today, hard and long. I did all the weed eating both back and front. I used my new blower/vac to suck up all the leaves and debris from that. I mowed both the back and front yard as well. It felt good to sweat and be filthy and then take a cool shower and clean off. It felt like a new start.

I am back on the road to having another child. Back on my journey. I felt like I was in limbo this past month. I have never done well in any kind of limbo, but I handled this one with grace and am allowing myself to be proud of me.

I am still going through the stages of grief, but they are OK.

I am OK.

I am flowing.

Yeah.

blah blah blah...

I am feeling better. It was by far the worst food poisoning I have ever had. I am in a holding pattern right now waiting for my flow. I am also obsessing with craft items. If I become brave I will take a picture of the ridiculous amounts of craft items I have bought to try and get Bliss into crafts, and post it here. We shall see.

We are having fun and it is a good break from all things computer related. We do not do standard video games but he does have his own laptop and is WAY to into it. We have set limits but we needed to break things up with new fun interests and I am determined to feed his inner artist. It may be working, the other morning he woke up and went to the playroom and turned his keyboard on and played for the first time in ages.

I have many things that need my attention but I do not seem motivated to do them, I am working on it.

out of commission...

intense, awful, horrid, extremely painful food poisoning
all i had was pre-cooked salmon from my favorite market
and a homemade tofu veggie stir-fry i made earlier
the abdominal cramping was almost as severe as when i had gall bladder attacks
it comes on in waves like contractions, reminding me of labor

even food poisoning reminds me about birth

ugh

update...

I saw my OBGYN today. I also have the results from the Endo's tests. I am pleased to know that my ANA came back negative as did my Natural Killer Cells test. My Antiphospholipid test came back all fine except for my Phos. Serine IgM, that came back positive at 36. I spoke to the docs and researched myself and am pretty OK with what I found. I am on Aspirin therapy now and that is what is recommended for it. They do not think it is high enough to require Heparin. I did find some studies suggesting that it can be related to fetal growth inhibition which is interesting since my baby stopped growing but there is no way to know for sure.

My doctor said my cervix was great and all looked fine for getting back to TTC as soon as my first period comes. We both think I should get mine in approximately 2 weeks, so that would put insemination's beginning around a month from now. THAT would mean a possible x-mas baby if I was fortunate enough to get lucky the first try out, but I really cannot even dwell on my feelings about that. I am working on letting the universe show me what is meant to be and accepting it as best and as gracefully as I can.

My doctor also made sure I had my Rx's in for the Clomid/Estrogen/Progesterone trifecta again. I have asked that if and when I do become pregnant again I be allowed weekly progesterone testing so that I can perhaps be on a smaller dose of it in order to avoid the excessive symptoms I was having.

I am pretty OK with all this. I am still having some trouble getting in touch with my anger stage but it is a work in progress.

because it's how i feel...

cannonball

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it's still a little hard to say what's going on
there's still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there's still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer to me
so close i can't see what's going on
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball
there's still a little bit of your song in my ear
there's still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer each day
still i can't say what's going on
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon
stones taught me to fly
love just taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

in other news...

I have been having back problems very recently. I have the start of osteoarthritis, according to a ct scan I had late last year, but that is just usual stiffness upon waking and whatnot. Recently I have been waking up in a lot of pain, even when I go to bed feeling fine. Then yesterday I ran some errands and when I got home and went to get out of my truck, I could not stand up straight. I was in excruciating pain the rest the day and walking at 90 degrees. It was not sciatica as I know that one well. It was above it but still lower back. I was able to straighten more today but I am leaning over to the right.

After Bliss was born I had major problems with my feet. I have really high arches and they began to fall/break. I had to have orthotics made and I was barely able to walk for a time. The orthotics didn't do much, in my opinion. I bought new Birkenstock sandals and shoes and within 3 days I was a new woman. I am a show whore, have always been one, but since then I pretty much just live in my Birk's. I have over 100 pairs of shoes and used to love wearing many of them all the time, but once I had those feet problems I just don't want to take the chance. I also don't go clubbing anymore so it is not like I am really missing them. I kept most my shoes though, some are almost like pets to me. Just looking at them makes me smile and occasionally I pet them. It isn't a feti$h or anything, nothing sexual, I just love them.

I ordered a new bed. One that is way more than I have ever spent before on a bed, but I am desperate. I need to be able to sleep well and wake up without being in pain. I ordered an Isoform bed, which is like a TempurPedic but made here and half the price. The bed comes with a 90 day trial and the sales girl offered to pay the shipping back if I should end up not liking it. I am also contemplating ordering some MBT shoes, which are so expensive I am not sure I can get past the sticker shock, and considering my history with shoes that is saying a lot.I am excited and anxious but mostly I am just hoping that these things will help. I am also doing stretching and trying to take it easy.

I hope to be able to stand up straight soon.

happiness in a vial...

I saw my amazing Endocrinologist today. I say amazing because she listens, because she believes I know more about my body than her. I say amazing because of the years I spent with the jerk Endocrinologist who lied to me, cost me 5 precious vials of Bliss's donor and almost my sanity (see first few blog posts). I say amazing because she welcomes my research I do at home and tells me she feels bad she isn't as up to date on stuff pertaining to my specific questions as she feels she should be. I tell her she is amazing and that I do not expect her to be up on everything under the sun, and that I appreciate that she goes the extra mile to check on things she isn't sure of.

A little back-story of today's appointment. I wanted to have some tests run, I mentioned them below. I had spoken to her assistant on the phone and asked for an Antiphospholipid test. It took 3 return calls with the assistant because the girl cannot, apparently, take a message and even when I spelled words out for her she came back with answers to nothing even remotely close to what I had asked. She did, however, finally say she got the test OK'ed and ordered. I went to the lab and had the blood draw, the lab person said she thought the test was ordered, and then Tuesday I get a call with my results and they are results for tests I had done a month and a half ago. They had been done again and the one I had requested had never been ordered. Well, I know my doctor, this was not her, this was the assistant screwing up simple phone messages. (I am sorry, if you cannot even pronounce Thyroglobulin you should NOT be an assistant at an Endocrinologist, period.) So I told said assistant I needed to see the doctor this week. I went today.

So when my doctor came in before I could even speak (and I am fast) she told me how sorry she was for my loss. I thanked her, and was touched. I then told her I was there in person because the assistant had screwed up 3 phone messages and a lab request and I had some wishes as far as blood-work. I did not tell her what the assistant had said, during the first call when I informed her I lost the baby and wanted some tests to check some stuff. She told me if I wanted to know why the baby dies I had to talk to my OBGYN. ?!?!?!?!?!? Anyhow, tangent, so my doctor says she is so happy I am there in person because she wants to really look into things as well. She then informed me she had been at a special in house seminar/conference yesterday and had spoken with a pediatric director for this one center and had spoken about me to her and asked if she knew any specific things my doctor could look for with regards to causes for my m/c. I was so impressed and touched.

My doctor has ordered an Antiphospholipid test for me, along with an ANA test/panel, which the other doc recommended. She has also ordered the one I wanted the most, which is a Natural Killer Cells panel with a CBC, platelet count, WBC lymphs, and phenotyping. I had the blood drawn next door to my doctor's office so they could make sure they got it all ordered correctly, which was not an easy feat. It took a long time for them to find out the proper coding as this test is not run often.

So now I wait, but I am OK with that. I am just so satisfied to be listened to. I am pleased to have a doctor that also cares. I am pleased that I will be able to know if these things could be a cause because they would continue to be so, and they are truly the only things I am worried about.

I am happy today.

things i question now...

I am not a drinker, maybe one drink a month if that. I craved booze shortly after I tested pregnant.I did not drink of course, but I would think about a margarita, a glass of champagne, or some fresh sangria a lot those first weeks. To the point that it freaked me out a bit.

I could still drink coffee. I got to where it wasn't a daily need like it usually is, but both my other pregnancies, by week 4 it was not sounding too good and by week 6 it was repulsing me. This time I was still having a cup every day or two and enjoying it.

The "police dog nose" thing. I really barely had it. I was not liking perfume-y stuff, which I am not real into these days anyhow, but that was about it. I was not fond of some smelly lotion I had, and a strong icky candle was really bad to me. When pregnant before almost all strong smells made me cringe badly very early on. Food smelled very strong, even when good. this had not happened yet.

I was not tired, and it was hard. I wanted to be able to sleep. At the start I had awful insomnia, and then as the weeks went by I just was rarely tired. I could go to sleep finally, but only at my usual bedtime, not early or anything. With both other pregnancies I could sleep anywhere, anytime, all day long, all night, around the clock.

The weight gain. I never gained fast early on with either other. I gained a lot with Bliss but mainly in the second and third trimesters. With this one I gained a lot very fast, and even when I was no longer stress eating I kept gaining.

The bloating. Well this I do not question really. it began after the baby was dead by my figuring, so I think this was my body trying to deal with it.

The Anti-thyroid Antibodies I have since my Hashimoto's diagnosis and subsequent surgery to remove my remaining thyroid lobe. They are finally down from the 1100's to the low 200's but I wonder if they played a role. My Thyroid Peroxidase Antibodies are only at 22 which is not bad but still I wonder. I am seeing my endocrinologist Thursday to ask her if she will please please run an Antiphospholipid test and a Natural Killer Cells test because either of those, combined with my ATA's could be a cause. I do not think I have Lupus, or the Antiphospholipids, but I really wonder about the NKC's, a lot. I also hope she and my insurance, will let me run the test. I hear it is not done at many labs.

I wonder about a lot, question a lot, but I am trying to not let my head get so loud that I begin to lose the ability to hear the rest of my life. It is why I am putting it all down, to make room for other things.

To make room for the possibility of some good.

the tide...

It ebbs and flows. I am trying to just be the flotsam.
I have been having a calm few days.
No huge breakdowns. No major panic attacks.
I have had a few over-indulgent tantrums for unmerited reasons.
I have eaten junk a couple times.
I have been reclusive. But I have been okay.
I am sure there will be more waves but I am trying to focus on the rythmic motion of this sea.
I am trying to find all my gratitude and not fall into any abyss's.
I am going with the tide and praying to the moon.

anger...

I feel it just beneath the surface, like a whale swimming around in the depths of the ocean and coming up for air briefly, every so often. I am afraid of it fully surfacing. I am afraid if I let it I will end up "beached" and stuck, unable to move past it, like a whale on some deserted distant shore.

I spent so much of my childhood angry. I was a bully in elementary school, angry at the world and beating them up one by one. I was a scrawny toothpick of a kid with a ton of rage. I was kicked out of Girl Scouts for beating up the entire troop on a camp out. I was banned from the Cub Scouts Clubhouse for the same reasons. Mostly I was a hurt kid getting physically and emotionally abused far too often at home, and dying for unconditional love, and taking it out on the world.

Somewhere in my teens it got turned inward, all that anger. Somewhere I began to take it out on myself. I spent a lot of years learning how not to do that anymore. But I am still uncomfortable when anger comes up. I am a long way from taking it out on myself, and the opposite end of the world from hitting another human being, but it never seems to come out right. I still seem to direct it at others unjustly, or at myself unjustly as well. Just in milder, more subtle ways.

I hate when I yell or play the self put-down game.

I hate injustices.

I hate that this happened.

I am angry.

But mostly, I am just sad.

good grief...

Things have been pretty mellow. Some things have come up that are interesting to me.

First off, the further I get from the D&C the more physical pain I have had. It is curious. I had zero pain the first day. A tiny bit of cramps the second. The third day I woke up in what I can only describe as back labor pain. It was awful. It eased up and I was fine until that evening. Now since then I have been having uterine cramping. It usually begins by about 4:30 pm and is on and off all night. I am not sure why but it seems so strange and not at all what I expected. I still have basically no bleeding, although I have had some traces of old blood over the last day. I am doing fine with it all, it is just strange to me.

Second is the emotional. I do pretty well through the day, but as the night comes, and the cramps reminding me, I have been having some difficulties. Over the weekend I basically cried every night for a few hours. The committee in my head going full on with the trash talk and inferiority complex issues. Then last night I began thinking about it. I was really "going through it" feeling like shit and listening to all the bad thoughts and I had this realization. I spent much of my youth and young adulthood depressed. As I got older it came and went, pretty much situationally. I have a long history with depression and know it well. So I was feeling all those old thoughts, of sadness, not being "enough", worry, dread etc. and then I was very aware that I had not felt any of these feelings since before I had Bliss. Since my last m/c to be exact. I then got grateful. I am grateful that depression is not a regular part of my life anymore. I am also grateful that all that I am going through right now isn't depression. It is a process, one that I have to go through. One that I have to ride out, and experience, so that I can get to the other side and heal. So that this crap doesn't get stuffed only to come out at a later date in a bad way.

So I had this realization and it made me OK. On a deeper level I was truly OK. I knew this would hurt like hell, I knew it wasn't going to be fun. I knew it also wouldn't be over quickly, but I knew it would be gotten through. I knew there "was" an other side and that I could make it there. I also knew, that as bad as it was, the reason I am going through it is well worth it.

I am getting through it. I have moments of deep gripping, soul crippling pain, and I have moments of relative normalcy.

I have all of it, and it is simply that part of life none of us can escape.

Grief.

where i am at...

Angel
by Sarah McLachlan


Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

goddess please...

it's late

i can't sleep

i have tried filling the void with food
even when i know how much that won't work


i hate wearing a pad
now the tears are coming non-stop


please someone tell me they had a 5 or more year difference
tell me you were still close
you still have a great sibling relationship
tell me you didn't feel cheated
tell me you forgave your mother
tell me you grew up happy and formed great friendships




i want to give him this so badly
my heart is aching
i need to be able to do this
i need it to happen soon
the fears come rushing back



the doc gave me darvoset
i finally took two
i thought it would help me sleep
shut the committee in my head up
i can't even tell i took any

the first one, way back when
all the pain was wrapped up in fear
fear i would never get to have a child
fear i wasn't good enough

now

this time

it's all wrapped up in fear again
fear i won't be able to be good enough
a good enough mama to my baby boy
a good enough mama to give him a sibling

i know the psych of it all

but that doesn't do shit for this wrenching pain

for these endless tears late at night

for the broken dream

once again

it's done...

I am back home now, it is over.
I was put out for the whole thing.
The doctors and nurses were all surprisingly very empathetic which helped.
I cried a lot.
Bliss is OK, but sad.
I am too.