huh...

I realized about a week ago that I had passed my one year blogiversary back in October. Strange that I didn't notice. So yay me. Rah.

OK That's done.

I am battling this cold thing sweeping the nation. I lost my voice for 3 days. It wasn't painful but it was exhausting. The effort it took to "push air" to communicate was so draining. Bliss kept asking me to use my normal voice. I had to explain it over and over. Then he got fine with it and my voice changed yet again to some new croaking squealing sound and he told me to use the other sick voice. He is so funny.

Speaking of funny he informed me yesterday he was a "gorgeous punk" (I often call him a punk) and I was an "ordinary punk." I was offended for about 3 minutes, then I asked him if he knew what ordinary meant. He said no. I laughed. He also told me my suggestion to him about a game wasn't the right antidote. I have no idea where he learns these words.

We have spent this week laughing together a lot. The Lupron really is manageable at 5 units. Today I began estrogen patches and Dexamethasone. I am not sure what I am feeling. This is the time of year I stress over money. Well I always stress over it but this is the time of year it is much worse than usual. Add to that the microwave arching and smoking requiring a new one, the house breaker going bad and needing replacing (a lovely $60 Zinsco type), the car DVD player suddenly going bad and needing replacing, and Bliss's Leapster going on the fritz and needing exchanging I am about done with all this bad electronics karma. All but the last cost so much to replace and at such a hard time of year. Between Bliss's birthday, x-mas and my roomies birthday later this week it is a rough time anyways. Now it is downright painful.

I am also stressing about this damn housing market. We will be putting our house up for sale one year from now. This slump has got to end by then or we are in major trouble. I do not want anything to impede the move to Canada and this so could.

Whew. OK so now that is out there. It helps me tremendously to purge this stuff from time to time. I have my biorhythms and meditation to help me relax and writing this out helps as well.

I am still pretty numb about the upcoming FET. I am not sure how much is defense mechanism and how much is residual pain from the failed IVF. I thought I was past it a little further than I obviously am. I still have days where the tears overtake me and says where I am Miss Bitter but for the most part I am doing pretty well considering.

As for diet and exercise I am still off for one more week. I order from a special New York bakery every year for my roomies birthday. She grew up there and I have all her favorites sent. Her b-day is the 5th so I have given myself through the 7th to indulge, then I begin again to be sensible and work out 3 times a week again. I have not been weighing myself since quite frankly I do not want to know.

My first ultrasound this cycle is coming up on the 2nd. I will likely feel a bit better after that.

Happy New Year to all. May this year bring you what you need and may your also find it is exactly what you want.

the new cycle...

Happy Holidays to everyone. Thanks so much for reading, supporting, and being there. It is truly amazing how much it helps to have a place to come and vent and find others who truly understand. It is also saving me the cost of a therapist right now which is an added bonus. I wish for each and every one of you peace in your hearts and peace in your homes and I wish for the world some much needed Peace.

I am bleeding like the Amazon River. It is a good thing since it is cleansing and so much better than the pent up feeling the week before. I began Thursday late afternoon. I began BCP on Friday for 5 days. I start Lupron tomorrow. The FET is scheduled for the 16th. There was some confusion about what my schedule would be and what my Lupron dose would be but it got worked out. I said I was fine with whatever but was confused when we discussed one way and I got emailed a different way. They revised it and it is back to the first way. It is hard because I want it like yesterday, but I don't want to rush things in a way that makes it less than ideal. That is a balancing act I am not sure how to do.

Did any of you do your FET the cycle after your IVF with success? I don't see why it would be a problem but the paranoia sets in no matter what I do.

In other news I have been ready for the Holiday for eons but have yet to wrap stuff. I should wrap as I buy throughout the year but alas I haven't mastered that yet. I went to bed early last night so maybe tonight I will find some time. Today I have been addressing Holiday Cards since we FINALLY took the picture for it and had them printed up.

Have a wonderful weekend and week.

P.S. If anyone knows how to make it so when I post a pic it isn't transparent I would greatly appreciate it.

a new plan..

I have been doing ok, not crying too much and eating homemade mac n cheese until I am numb. Until today. I had emailed the doc after talking to his wife (the nurse) and going over all my wishes and questions about doing the FET. I emailed him Friday and hadn't heard back yet. I called today and left a message and finally he called me this evening. This is unusual, he always writes me back fast. Well he had been looking for my email all weekend and had never gotten it. I re-sent it as we spoke and he got it and went over it.

We talked on the phone tonight for an hour and a half. I love this man, truly. He is so kind and thoughtful and thorough. We went over my every fear and my every question. We discussed two different types of natural FET cycles. He discussed success rates and medical studies. We went over how the schedule would go and what could come up as a problem. If I was to do the natural FET that was in my head, ovulating on my own then timing the FET the only possible hindrance would be if my cycle wasn't "regular."

I then asked about what the schedule would be on the medicated FET and what meds and amounts. I realized that the one time your cycle isn't "normal" is when you need it to be. I also realized I am not in a place to handle a cancelled FET due to a weird cycle.

I also discussed my feeling of being "broken." Not from an emotional standpoint, although that is certainly a factor right now, but from a scientific standpoint. I have been pregnant three times. I have a child. Now I cannot get pregnant. What is wrong with my body that wasn't before? I know age plays a role but I just cannot seem to accept that for myself.

I also discussed the diet and how it has been out the window. I worry now I will stress about staying on it. I have no PCOS and no diabetes in my family but the insulin stuff can affect things. We decided to put me on Metformin as well this cycle which takes some pressure off.

So I stop the progesterone now and begin BCP the day I start menses. I will be on it for only 5 days and start Lupron on day 4. I am only going to be on 5 units of the Lupron which is very good news since how acted on 10 units last time. After that I will start Vivelle patches for almost 2 weeks and then begin PIO for 5 days until the transfer. I will be getting my exact schedule in the next day or so and will post more when I have it.

I am glad to be back to having a plan. I will also be transferring all that make the thaw, potentially 3, and they will be hatched as well.

I ran errands today and in the aisle at the grocery store I stood there as three pregnant women came to get things on the same shelf I was at, one after another. I felt like I was being bombed. I am so ultra sensitive right now. I am walking on eggshells with my self which is ridiculous.

The emotions are so layered. I am ok on the surface much of the time with this sadness just below. Deeper I am layer upon layer of fear and devastation that comes gushing to the surface like a geyser but not at any regular intervals. I feel beaten by myself, my body, my dreams and hopes. And then when I feel like I cannot breathe from the pain and will surely suffocate, it goes back deep down and I am pretty ok again.

So now I wait to bleed.

7dp5dt (beta day)...

HCG<1

I spent the last two days crying pretty much non-stop. I am still crying today but not as much. Having a test of less than one means they never even implanted even a little. I will be doing an FET, hopefully natural except for estrogen and progesterone. I also want to do it next cycle so if I stay on the PIO a few more nights I can hopefully push my cycle back a bit so I will be ovulating the first week of January instead of the last week of December. We shall see if it works. I currently have a heating pad glued to my ass to keep the pain down, I am about to add Margarita's to the mix and it should improve even more.

So I had been doing fine with the PIO shots. I was able to use the 25 g needle which helped and it had been fine. I have lumps in my hips but the pain has been minimal. If I press down on the area it is a bit sore but otherwise OK. I alternated sides each night and had my calendar marked which side to do so I would not forget.

Last night I did my right side, no problems. This morning I woke up crippled on my left side. The lumps seem to have congealed together in the night somehow and I cannot manage to walk without this strange limp/hitch in my get-up thing. I am in a LOT of pain and it makes no sense. I used a heated rice bag this morning but it still is just killing me.

I would say that I am lucky then that my HCG came back <1 and I can stop the shots but even that isn't happening.

6dp5dt...

After another negative hpt I am feeling pretty down. Staring at that whiter than white half of the test all I feel is this fear and anger bubbling up. Yesterday I spent the entire morning crying and mourning for our Sarah and today I am just bitter. I am angry at all the cliche things to be angry at. I am angry that I anguish over the caffeine in some chocolate I ate and it's possible effects on me getting pregnant while another junkie gets knocked up with her 4th kid. I am angry at all of my friends who have 2 or more children which is entirely unfair and awful of me. I am angry that desire means jack shit in this IF world. I am angry that I am too fat to get pregnant and even when I went through hell and lost the weight and got pregnant I lost the baby. I am angry that financially it is an awful time to keep trying but I have to because of my age and the fact that we are moving in 13 months. I am angry that I cannot give my son the thing he wants and needs most beyond my love. I am angry at how I look at my body now, after so many years learning to rejoice in it and love it flaws and all, but this flaw I cannot seem to forgive. I am angry that I get to feel pregnant through this wait, that I know well what feeling pregnant is like as I have been pregnant three times, but I also know that this feeling doesn't mean shit.

My beta is tomorrow. I will go early and wait patiently but I have little hope.

4dp5dt...

I am doing ok. I have been taking it easy. Even when I went to get groceries I let the bagger take the bags out to the truck and my roomie take them in the house. I even asked someone in a parking lot to put up my tailgate (it's big and heavy) for me, which is not easy for me. I am very strong, truly, in an uncanny way. When I was in grad school I bought my first fridge and I carried it on my back from my truck to my apartment. So explaining to others I cannot lift anything over 10 pounds is strange, but I am happy to do so for the cause.

As for how I feel it is useless to get to much into it. I am on tons or progesterone and estrogen and I know they give all the symptoms I have. My boobs hurt and are full, my womb feels heavy, and I have cramps on and off throughout the day. All things I have felt when pregnant, and when not.

I am still starving all the time but I refuse to stress over it. If I told you what I ate for breakfast today you would think me truly a whale.

I will likely POAS early, maybe tomorrow but I am not sure. Friday is still beta day #1.

I get a little freaked out about what I will do with either outcome potential. I know I can do an FET next and even another IVF after of this doesn't happen. I also know it will hurt like hell. If it does happen my biggest goal is to really try and enjoy every minute I remain pregnant. Having had 2 m/c's after heartbeat was seen sucks so much for feeling good at all in the first trimester and I really want to try and change how I deal with that and try and focus on enjoying every moment. Much easier said than done. But I only hope I get to have that struggle.

Peace.

1dp5dt...

I have spent the day watching movies and eating and drinking pom and soda water.
I am a bit crampy but not bad at all.
I went to bed last night at 8pm which was great.
I got the call from the embryologist this afternoon. The last one didn't make it. So I have three embryos frozen. One grade 1, one grade 2, and one grade 3.
I will take that and try to remain very positive.
I will spend tomorrow in bed as well and then take it easy the rest the week.
I would like to get a hold on this ravenous hunger thing as well.

transfer...

I am home from the transfer and the acu.
5 made it to blast and another is getting another day.
We transferred 2 grade 2 blasts that looked great with little to no fragmentation.
The doc and embryologist felt transferring 3 was too big a triplet risk with me.
Bliss was brought in for the transfer and held my hand and right when the plunger was pushed, unbeknown to him., he bent down and kissed my hand. I almost cried and it was magic.

I am laying down and watching movies.

wow...

I just got the call. I am being moved to a day 5 transfer. Two of the three others caught up and I have 7 going to blast, or trying at least. I am pretty surprised but also excited and then also feeling like damn!, now I have to make it through two more days.

random utterings...

"I would rather eat a cup than blow up a balloon by myself and be afraid of the dark."

Bliss age 5

fertilization report...

I just got the call. Of the 11, five have fertilized normal, three are on the wait and see list and three were abnormal. The interesting thing was the three abnormal were all extra sperm entering the egg. So I have 5 so far and a possible 3 more.

I am ok with this. I am not gonna lie I would have liked all 11 to fertilize but this is still good.

Now I wait until Wednesday to see if I will be having my transfer at 9:30am on that day or if it will be pushed back to Friday. I am pretty sure it will be Wednesday.

ER done...

I just got home from the ER. They got 11 eggs and the doctor was very pleased. I feel good and am happy to say I did not get queasy which usually happens.
Diet plan pretty much out the window today. I HATE that an IHOP is right next door to the clinic.
I will get the fertilization report tomorrow and then Wed. I will know if ET is then or Friday.

p.s. I thought with the IVF finally commencing it was time for a new template and that the dandelion fit with my big wish right now.

p.p.s. Thanks to this video I have also given my first PIO shot completely painlessly with a 25g needle. YAHOO!!

friday u/s...

I had my u/s today.
I even drank about 48 oz. of water this morning and had a cup of coffee just to try and make sure my bowels wouldn't be something that elusive left ovary could hide behind.
Between the anxiety of it coming so soon and the caffeine (which I usually do not respond to) I am have been pretty hyper and jittery today.
The u/s was great, the right one was "showboating" as the doc puts it and had tons of big ones. The left was elusive but he spent even more time and finally had the assistant press on my belly when I said I was sure it was high up. I pressed with her really hard on my belly and it rolled into view. There are 2 mature follies in there so I am super happy. They also counted 10 on my right.
I am listing them just for suture reference.

Right Ovary

16x12
13x11
22x18
24x23
21x15
19x13
22x15
26x23
22x13
18x14

4 others < 10

Left Ovary

23x22
22x16

Lining

14/9.2


So I have 10/12 mature which I am over the moon about as is the doc. It was also so neat because all women who had been at the egg class were before and after me and we were all able to cheer each other before and after our appointments. Also the staff would all wait in the hall to hear the news after each u/s and get super excited for each patient too. They were also decorating a gift bag for a woman coming in later for her last u/s before being discharged to her OB. The bag was a "mommy gift bag" and one of those personal touches that makes me love my clinic.

My ER will be Sunday, I will find out the exact time later today. So tonight is my trigger shot.

On my way home I picked up fast food for lunch. The doc says to try and stay on the maintenance phase but if I go off here and there not to stress that they have already grown. He also says that lowering stress is more important than following exact, so hence the burger, fries, and soda today. I will try and stay on track as much as possible though. I have done well thus far for 1.5 months following exact so I am giving myself a little latitude here.

I am good otherwise, just excited. I got an early x-mas gift of a bio-feedback computer game I am going to try out starting today so hopefully that will add to me staying calm and focused.

Peace.

egg class...

I just got home from egg class at my clinic. It was 2.5 hours. I was dreading it since I know this stuff (did embryo transfer with cattle in college). The class was great, and so informative. I wish I could have the transcripts to post here. I had to run to the restroom to give my stim shots at one point. I was the only single person and the only queer. I learned a lot which is a great night in my book.

ultrasound...

I had my u/s this morning to see how I am cooking the eggs.

The doc was wonderful as usual.

The good news is I had 8 follies on my right ovary. All were between 11-15 in size. My lining was 13.2 as well which was great.

The not so great news was my left ovary was hiding. He spent a LONG time looking and I even go up and went pee during the u/s to try and help the glare my bladder was throwing on things in there. He finally said he thought he saw it with 1 inside but to be honest he was not sure. He said the follies could just be real small so far, or it could be my right is just doing all the work this cycle, or it is still hiding and we will see it Friday. (on a side not at my clinic the Doctor does all the u/s's himself)

I am a bit bummed about that but happy about the 8 on the right. The weird thing is that I have been feeling my left ovary more than my right the past few days.

I have my next u/s on Friday morning and he think my ER will likely be Sunday but will know for sure Friday.

I have the Egg Class (embryology class) tonight and acupuncture Thursday and besides that I am just doing my shots twice a day and trying to be positive. I am starting to feel the stim bloat which I am sure will get more and more uncomfortable over the next 3 days.

If anyone has a history of the hiding ovary I would love to hear stories. I have never had this happen before so it is the one thing my mind wants to obsess on.

what I am thankful for... *

* see previous post

Happy Thanksgiving

my bliss...

Five years ago today my every dream, my every wish of every penny I ever threw in a fountain, my every hope came true. Five years ago I truly gave birth to my Bliss.

The details of the birth are not how I would have wanted, but they are for another post. This is about Bliss. This is about my heart that lives outside my body.

When I saw him it was so overwhelming that I kept pinching myself. I would pinch myself, hard and seriously, numerous times a day for the entire first year of his life. I could not fathom that I was so fortunate to be able to have this beautiful wondrous being in my life. I still am amazed that I get to be his mama, that I get to wake up to his face each day and know him and watch him grow.

He is the light, the joy, the laughter, the faith, the truth of my life. He is so funny and smart and observant and kind and just interesting in every way. He has given me the opportunity to heal myself in so many ways as well. Along with parenting him I have been able to re-parent myself and love the little girl inside of me that was hurt so deeply and so often throughout my own childhood. I have been able to find that self love and self awe I have for my son in myself. One of the first things I realized right after he was born through my awe of his beauty was my own beauty.

I believe life is about growth and improvement on a personal level. I have never worked so hard, nor wanted to work so hard to grow and improve as I have since becoming his mother. I want to be a better human being always, but especially for my son.

I am so "blissed" in my life (a term I use often) as a result of this amazing being and today I will start the day telling him the story of his birth. The story of all the good and bad but mostly of how deeply he was wanted and loved and how at 6:11am on November 21, 2002 my every everything came out of my body and into my world and has made it so wonderful every single second since.

I love you Bliss.

I will love you forever and for always because you are my dear one.

Love your Mama

let the stims begin...

Today I dropped down to 5 units of Lupron. I have been having pretty nasty headaches from it and they have been worsened by this crud cold sinus thing going around. I finally resorted to Tylenol this weekend but managed to keep it to one dose per day. I am trying to not put anything more that absolutely necessary in me right now.

Tonight I began stims. I take 150 units of Menopur and 375 of Follistim. I am really glad to be here as it is one more big step closer to the ER and the ET.

I also had my first food from the "bad" list. I had a soft pretzel at Sams Club. I do not want to know what horrid additives they have in them or it will make me ill but they have the BEST soft pretzels. I never even eat them anywhere else they have spoiled me for all time. It was good but I was stressed at the time from Lupron loopiness and probably did not enjoy it as much as I could have. I get my first cheat day this week but it is mixed with my vacation days for Thanksgiving. It actually makes it really hard that it is coming up so fast. I am staying strong so far but my goddess I want to just eat oatmeal with tons of butter and brown sugar covered in half and half with a huge cup of coffee. lmao I swear that is what I have been craving. The sad thing is I can make oatmeal, a normal amount, a 1000 calorie meal. So sad.

I am gearing up for my Bliss's 5th birthday this Wednesday. It makes me quite emotional. All the cliches about how fast babies grow were a gross understatement. Time has flown by and it only seems to get faster and faster. It truly crushes me. I have this urge to express so much about him but I will save that for his birthday.


The shopping is done and I am very excited about Thanksgiving. I just adore cooking that meal. This year I am scaling down a bit because of my diet. None of my special stuffing and only pumpkin pie. I usually make 3-4 different pies but that would just be self abuse after the 2 days off I get and I am not prepared to suffer that way. The stuffing is also for those reasons and because it is hard to make a tiny amount. I am actually fine without it, it means I will have yummy rolls instead. I will be eating TONS of mashed potatoes though!!!

like surgery without the hospital stay...

I was a healthy kid. I also had parents who didn't believe the sniffles or a slight fever were reasons to stay home from school. I have always been relatively healthy, except when I am not. I know that sounds obvious but what I mean is I am usually fine, or having surgery. I have always been healthy until suddenly I am not and end up with some surgery and then I am fine again. I have had 10 (I believe) surgeries in my life. I still have my tonsils, but little else.

As a result of all these surgeries I am well acquainted with anesthesia and all it's effects. I am also well versed in prep, surgery, and recovery for a wide variety of ailments and procedures.

It is with this knowledge and background that I wrote the title to this post. Going through IVF is much like having a very very long and intense surgery and an even longer recovery all while we are to function daily without complaint and go on with our lives like all is fine. We are also to do all of this without the hospital stay.

Let's begin with the prep, the years we have spent living in two week increments, having our hopes raised and then smashed to smithereens every cycle we do not attain our goal. The countless miscarriages, blighted ovum's, chemical pregnancies, and ectopic nightmares we all endure. Then when we finally come to the next point the bar is raised, the hope climbs further still, and then we get our box of drugs in the mail.

The second phase I call the start of surgery but some may still consider it prep. The drugs. Most will start BCP a full month before the actual IVF. That is the appetizer drug, causing mild to moderate mood swings, if not worse, bloating for some, acne for some, clear skin for others, and crying, for some lucky ones such as myself, lots and lots of crying. Then you add the Lupron (if this is your protocol) which feels soooo good to start because it feels like you are finally doing something proactive. Injecting your belly each day feels like a step in the right direction. That is until the anger, rage, bitchiness from hell and short fuse to match no other begins. Then when the anger is just getting to it's peak the headaches begin. Just the thing to really help that bad mood.

Next is the stims. That, again feels like a step forward, and usually come with a decrease in the Lupron, but it has it's own fine side effects. The bloating really begins in earnest now. So does the crampiness, and overall body aches. I was on a very low dose my last two months trying before moving to IVF and I am only too thrilled to see what the doses I am about to start will bring to my table. Really, so thrilled. Not. And let's not forget to mention OHSS which besides being very painful and very possibly dangerous to one's health, it can also cancel the entire cycle.

Along with the stims you may have a host of other side dishes to take, from baby aspirin, to Dexamethasone, to estrogen, all of which can have more lovely side effects depending on your own body. Add to those the trigger shot which is actually pregnancy hormone so you may start feeling pregnant even though you haven't even had the transfer yet.

Then the ultrasound/s to determine how many eggs are growing and their sizes. Does anyone sleep the night before these?? So add sleep deprivation to list of helpful symptoms.

Then the ER, which IS a surgery with all the fun of anesthesia and queasiness and worry and out-of-it-ness that comes with surgeries. Then when you should be relaxing and recovering from the very real surgery you just had you get to freak out wondering and praying and begging everything that is real to you that the eggs they got fertilize. Then you get to do the same thing over again with hoping they grow.

It is at this time you usually get to start the PIO shots with the ten inch needle in your ass 1-100 times a day depending. Fun stuff and it starts giving you pregnancy symptoms even more so now. Swelling breasts, queasiness, increased sense of smell. All of it and you know it is all just a lovely side effect but it still plays havoc with your head and your heart.

Then, hopefully you make it this far because let's face it we all know women who do not, you get to the ET. So you try to be calm, do the acupuncture or whatever you can to be relaxed and then drink a bunch of water and have the ET on a full bladder and try to spend the rest of that day, if not the next week, calm and relaxed.

This brings us to the two week wait, or 10 day or 15 day or whatever your doc decides it to be. During this time you need to take it easy, not exert yourself or get your heart rate up. Never mind you are barely able to breathe wishing and hoping so hard for it to take. Never mind you are financially destitute from this one try and know you may well need 5 or 10 of these before it works, if it works.

And once again I remind you, all of this is without the hospital stay. All of this without nurses tending to our every need. Without cooks making our meals which we chose according to how we are feeling every day. No staff making our beds and helping us to the bathroom or shower. Of course some of us have partners who do much but many of us find our our partners may not be capable of this or we have no partners at all and do this on our own. Many more of us have a child or two already who need caring for while we go through this process.

And I would do it over and over and over again if I could just end up with my baby in my arms.

If I could just finally have my Soul.

so it begins...

I began Lupron today. I am so glad to have started this phase because it means I am that much closer to the ER/ET dates. I have not had headaches or hot flashes yet but the mood thing....well let's just say I was a raving jerk for about an hour this morning and I really hope it was just me having an off day. I had to apologize to my son for being a grumpy meanie and tell him in the future if Mama starts using her "big voice" (as he calls it) to just ask me to hold him and I would quiet right down and be nicer because I could never be angry or grumpy while holding him, and because our rule that "niceness matters."

So of course the rest the day I have felt bad and after also apologizing to the roomie I am feeling much better.

On a strange note I found two half eaten bananas in my front yard, random.

I am working on meditation and jest being really present on my emotions when they begin to go haywire, or at least that is the goal.

I would also love non-carb, non sugar, non bread/flour/yogurt,banana ideas for breakfast beyond scrambled, fried, and omletted (my own word here) eggs. It is so strange, I can eat the same thing every single day if it is plain yogurt with granloa and honey or fruit and honey, or if it is a toasted wheat bagel with peanut butter and a banana, but when it is bacon and eggs or any of my now choices I seem to go nuts eating the same thing daily. I don't get it.

my child...

When I was pregnant with Bliss I am said the one thing I wanted more than anything, after health obviously, was a child with a sense of humor. I got my wish in spades and daily he cracks me up in new innovative and imaginative ways.

Bliss likes to make up words. I also did this throughout my childhood. He loves the word "taint" but it means something yucky or something he doesn't want to do, he will say "That is so taint!!!" He says all sorts of made up words all the time, some are just him playing with sounds and some he gloms onto for longer periods of time. Sometimes the words are utter nonsense sounds and sometimes they sound like words in the English language but they are not meant for the usual definitions.

Today Bliss started saying "I am so kunt." Then he said "That is so kunt" and laughed and laughed. No before you ask I will say that is not a word that has ever been used in front of him. First of all he doesn't do it that way and secondly I am the clingwrap mama who is never away from her child, no daycare, no babysitters, just me, so I know he has not heard it. Plus if he uses any word sounding like "stupid" (one of our bad words in this house) he always gives a look real fast like he knows he is skating on thin ice. So next he asked me if I knew what cunt meant and I said no what does it mean baby. He said it meant something was really really silly. LMFAO

I explained that that word was also a real word, and to many people it is a curse word or a vulgar word so it was probably a good idea that he doesn't use it anymore. I can just see the next time we go to the movies Bliss yelling out "That is so kunt!!" Not a great picture.

But still, he cracks me up to no end, and every day, no matter how bad that day may be, I laugh, a lot, because of my Bliss.

red quinoa couscous salad...

1 cup red Quinoa (or any color)
(cooked according to directions then cooled and chilled)
1 cucumber diced up small
1 red bell pepper diced small
1 package grape tomatoes cut in half
1/4 red onion diced small
2 spring onions diced small
2 tablespoons fresh basil chopped
2 tablespoons fresh mint chopped
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro chopped (optional)
1 teaspoon turmeric
1-2 tablespoons of curry powder (to taste)
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 tablespoons white balsamic vinegar

Toss together and serve.

I figured out the entire calorie count and it comes to 308 calories for 400 grams of salad for anyone interested.

let there be light...

During Halloween week we watched a movie called The Little Vampire. We enjoyed it. In the movie, in the boy's bedroom he has a beautiful blue star shaped wall lamp. It has tiny holes in it and it casts little polka dots of light around the room. I MUST have this light. I thought it was one from Ikea and went there only to find our local Ikea no longer carries it and won't be ordering it even though all others do. So the next day I drove 90 miles to the next closest Ikea to get it. They had it, but it was nothing even close to the one from the movie. It does not cast dots and just plain sucks.

I have posted on IMDB, I have even posted on the set designers page on IMDB. I am going nuts. I pride myself on being able to find things, a super sleuth in my own mind. I cannot find this. I cannot even find a picture of it for reference here for others to see. I want this light.

I have probable spent close to 4 hours online dedicated to just searching for this lamp. I am reminded of my obsessive tendencies as I scour the net for a picture or some item even closely resembling this light. Have I mentioned I want this light?

I WANT THIS LIGHT!!!

something important to me...

Just about anyone who reads my blog or any blog dealing with ttc knows Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters . Mel has created a port in our collective storm. A place to feel safe, to find others that truly "get it" no matter what our "it" may be. Her tireless enthusiasm is unapralleled and her creativity never ceases to amaze. All of this is done while she also maintains a great spousal relationship and wonderfully mothers twins. She truly is a Wonder Woman I look up to. She also always seems to have time to write a note, give some small sort of personal encouragement that makes me feel special, like I won some great contest.

Well now is our opportunity to show her how much we love her and how grateful we all are. She has been nominated for an award. It means a lot to her and would at the same time have the potential to really shed some light and education on the struggles of infertility. You can VOTE HERE and you can do it once every 24 hours. PLEASE DO and also take some time to say thanks so Mel for all she does. She deserves it.

shit shit shit...

So I spent two more hours on the phone this morning, being told the drugs were not covered, again, by the pharmacy and then calling back the insurance and being told that not only were they covered but here was a reference number. Finally the head manager of the pharmacy had a conference call with a head at my insurance and myself and the insurance person from the pharmacy and the end result, I am not covered for Gonal-F, Menopur, or Pregnyl (HCG). I am so peeved I cannot see straight. I am aware these drugs are often not covered, but 5 yes FIVE different people have told me they were at my insurance over the past week so it really ticks me off. It is also not fun when this is thrown last minute at me and now I am scrambling to figure out which credit card to charge these on. I talked to the doc and I can use Follistim if it is easier. I have a vial of it and the pen left from before which is good but still need 3-4 more 900 vials to get what I need. So anyone who has extra meds feel free to contact me and in the meantime I am scrambling and fuming.

what's new... (updated)

Happy Belated Halloween. Happy Samhain as well, and Dia de los Meurtos too.

Bliss had a great park party the day before, but I think he wore himself out spending 4 hours almost entirely on a merry-go-round spinning thing. On Halloween we had plans to trick or treat at the local businesses in a small nearby town but 5 minutes after we left we had to turn around because he said he was going to throw up. This was BEFORE he had had any candy. He decided not to go out at all and we got in the bath (it always makes him feel better). Then when we got out he was playing and seeming to feel better and then he began crying that he wanted to go, so we got ready and left again. This time half way there (it is about 20 minutes) he said he was sick again and needed something to throw up in. I grabbed my Trader Joe's bag that is plastic-like and gave it to him and pressed on as I knew he just had to get there. He put his head in the bag (it is a stiff bag, no suffocating hazard) for the entire rest of the drive. When we got there he perked up and we ended up having a really nice time. When we came home we ate and I let him have 8 small pieces of candy after which he said "no more for me" and then we spent the rest the night sitting on the front porch together talking and handing out candy. I have a "No Candy No Treats" policy and he thought it was a good one.

Yesterday I got my schedule which made me very very happy.

Nov. 5 - shot class
Nov. 12 - start Lupron 10 units
Nov. 14 - take last BCP
Nov. 19 - decrease Lupron to 5, start Gonal F 375,
start Menopur 150, and start Dexamethasone (25 days)
Nov. 27 - take AM Lupron then go in for U/S and find out HCG time & ER date, Embryology class in the evening

ET will likely be first few days of Dec.

They called in my meds and I got a call from the pharmacy this morning. It seems the Gonal F, Menopur, and HCG were not covered with them as they are only in-network for my RX benefits and those meds would be covered by my in-network pharmacy that covers my major medical. So they forwarded the Rx and I called the new (to me anyway) place. They were very nice and told me they would process everything and all me on the 6th to let me know what my coverage and co-pays were. That is great but I need to know now. On my insurance website it says these drugs are covered except for $30 co-pay. So I next called my insurance and they told me that all was ok and the pharmacy the first one had forwarded me to was the correct one and that it should all be covered and they were not even seeing that there was a co-pay. I still think there will be but I am happy to hear them tell me I will be covered since I had assumed I would be this whole time. I then asked if they could check the predetermination status since it had been sent in over 3 weeks and they have only 30 days to respond. She put me on hold then came back and said they had not gotten any predetermination requests. I got a fax number that was supposedly a direct one and then hung up and called the clinic. I KNOW they sent the stuff so I let my clinic know what they said and gave them the number and am currently waiting on a call back. It is not an awful thing, we already know I have coverage. The thing we don't know is if any specific parts of IVF are not covered, and I would really like to know that prior to the procedure, not that it would change anything but still.

So that is what's new with me.

UPDATED: Shortly after I posted I got a call from the new pharmacy saying now 4 drugs weren't covered, even though the previous pharmacy said it was only 3. They told me they needed me to get a letter from HR and from the insurance. WTF????? I called my insurance again and they said I was covered and I spent the next hour and a half talking to various people with my insurance company. They were then closed but still helping and finally said that we had to wait until Monday to get this straightened out. Then after all that time and all these different confirmations the first guy says "well we shall see if these meds are covered and get this figured out on Monday." He is one of the ones who had assured me they were covered. Three other people did as well, but shit, now I am worried all over again. I then went online to re-look at my coverage online because I can put in specific drugs and get cost projections, well it is temporarily unavailable, of course. I have cried and yelled and sighed for the past 2 hours on and off and now, as always in IF land, I wait.

back from RE...

WOW, I am actually feeling a bit excited.

I spent the week at the chiro and acu and have been feeling amazingly better since. Today was my u/s and blood work at the RE and I am feeling pretty excited right now.

First off I have been so worried about cysts or fibroids and I am completely clear. They used the speculum and then inserted and catheter into my cervix, then pumped the balloon to keep it into place. Then they took out the speculum and put in the u/s wand and then after looking around injected sterile saline to check things out. I have a very smooth walled uterus and everything looked perfect. I had at least 5 antral follicles on each ovary which he seemed really pleased with for an un-medicated cycle and only 6 days into my cycle. I have Go*ogled this already and have no idea what to think but I think I will choose to not dwell on the possibilities.

I was able to go over the 32 questions I had and he answered every one. He also listens and when we discussed Dexamethasone he said he usually used it with cases of endometriosis and I said ok but I had wondered with my history of Hashimoto's and the antibodies in me even though they are down to a pretty good level. His response was "oh, yes, I hadn't thought of that and in your case I can see that could be a good idea so let's order that as well." Having a doctor listen and change his protocol to better suit me is such a huge plus in my book.

I also showed him my food journal from this past week I have been on his EZ Diet and he really looked over every single day and told me he was impressed and that I was really sticking to the diet exactly. I told him I am an all or nothing kinda gal and then I launched into my questions about the diet. Here is what he told me. He said fats and oils are NOT a problem, truly. He said don't go nutz but putting half a stick of butter on popcorn is fine!?!?!? He said using olive oil in cooking s great. He said the diet is NOT a low Glycemic Index diet and that he felt the GI index was one of the great shams of the past century. He explained it does not measure something that may take an hour to spike but then spikes 20 times higher than something else considered bad. His diet is a Low Insulin diet and through his years researching and testing it he found what has to be avoided. That is why low fat yogurt, which has a low GI, is bad because it gives a huge delayed jolt of insulin. He said sour cream is questionable and enough research hasn't been done on that one so use it lightly, cream cheese is ok but I would still go sparingly myself on that one. He also mentioned that mayo, so long as there is no sugar or flour (i.e. homemade) is perfectly fine as is cheese and all other dairy, even whole milk dairy. He said sweeteners of almost any sort are not ok but that Stevia had been tested to be ok. I do not use the powder but it is used loose leaf in Yogi Teas which I love. He said that was especially ok. He also said the Cheat Day after the first 4 weeks are over is THE ENTIRE DAY, not just a meal. WOOHOO!!! He said after the first 4 weeks to really follow the cheat and bad food list add in guidelines so your body doesn't go on maintenance for what you have been doing.

Can y'all see why I am so impressed with him? I told him he needs to write a low insulin index book and he agreed.

He told me they were sending the Rx's to the pharmacy and that I would get sent the shot schedule with the Shot Class info and the Embryologist class info as well and all was perfect for the last week in November. I then got 4 vials of blood taken and signed a few forms and was done, all in an hour from start to finish.

I am pretty excited to tell the truth. It feel much more real and much more like things are progressing now. I am sure in another week I will be going bonkers once again, but for now I shall just enjoy.

let the sun shine.... (updated)

That song has been playing in my head since waiting to flow. I have felt like the sky would open up and that song would be booming down on me as soon as I finally started.

Well, late last night after two days of herbal teas of ginger, licorice, Don Quai, and chamomile and at almost 20 dpo I finally started. And it came on with a vengeance. I was up on and off through the night with such a horrid headache. I also had neck pain that make me sick to my stomach. I finally took pain meds at 3am. I woke up in bad shape. I ate some eggs to try and soothe myself after a small glass of milk. We planned a trip to the pumpkin patch today. I was so sick this morning from such severe pain I ended up vomiting my whole breakfast.

I also woke up with police dog nose. I have been having it for the last week or two, like when I was pregnant, but I have been very aware I am not pregnant and I have not understood why I am experiencing it. It also is worse some days than others. Starting yesterday it began to become intolerable. Today it definitely added to my throwing up. I made it to the patch with Bliss and we had a pretty good time but I was feeling just awful. The drive home (about 45 minutes) I got so bad I just cried and cried.

I am sure it is a combination of things. Going off coffee and sugar and all breads and getting a very delayed period all at basically the same time is not so great on me apparently. I have been alternating ibuprofen and arnica and lots of water and baths. I am feeling a bit better this evening but the neck pain and headache are still there in the background. I really think it was a migraine. I do not suffer from them, but I could not believe how bad it was, it actually frightened me a bit.

I start BCP tomorrow and have my saline contrast u/s on Friday. They will also do blood work stuff then. On Thursday I have my first acu. appointment with the IVF acu. I am not real thrilled with this office thus far, even though I have yet to see anyone yet. I decided to check out a chiro. in my network because of my neck and found one very close to my house that is a chiro/acu clinic. I will try and get in tomorrow and will ask if they do IVF acupuncture and see how they are. I just do not like what a hassle this one has been thus far so we will see.

I just want to get through this week, get on BCP and see the RE to get all the questions I have been jotting down answered and get past the first week on the EZ Diet and off coffee.

UPDATED: I wanted to add something to really bring home how awful I have been feeling. Yesterday I weighed myself and I had gained back 10 pounds. Yes in one week 10 pounds. I was devastated but knew I was bloated from impending period hell. I just weighed myself this evening, even though it is only about 24 hours into my period. I weigh 8 pounds less. Eight pounds people, that is how much pressure and misery I have had pent up inside, how much bloat and suffering. I am in shock, well I was in shock yesterday but I am in even more shock right now.

the latest...

I spoke to the clinic and they said so long as I was on BCP I could get the saline contrast ultrasound after my period ended. They sent in an RX for it for me yesterday and roomie picked it up on the way home today. That is a big monkey off of my back. I am on Yasmin is anyone has any info or was wondering.

In other news, old news, I am still not flowing. I cannot believe this. Yes I have POAS and it is still very negative. Then last night I see some EWCM and just about flipped out. I took an OPK just to see if things were REALLY messed up. Thankfully it was also very negative. The thing I have been afraid of and worrying about is seeing a very very late positive and then having to worry about an ectopic pregnancy or a very unlikely one that would just simply delay my IVF and make me nuts. I am glad that does not seem to be the case, but if I do not start by the end of this weekend I am really going to lose it.

I have been on my eating plan week off and pigging out on everything I can think to try one last time before starting the new plan. I have not felt great and have over-indulged twice in a way that made me feel just awful. I am also thinking I will only take one day off for thanksgiving because it will be so close to the ET but I may do 2 days, but not a week like previously planned. I am also thinking I will not take Halloween off, I will just eat some candy tomorrow since it is the last day of my week off.

I will also be doing the treadmill every other day for 30 minutes for the exercise portion of the new plan. I really enjoy the treadmill, but much more so when I weigh a little less than I do now. I am not sure if that has to cease in between the ER and the ET or the beta.

Anyhow maybe I need to light a red candle to encourage this thing, but I feel bloated and pent up and miserable and really just want to get going.

if you want to try and understand...

then read this brilliant post by Mel, it says it all.