quick update...

We are in the house. It truly has been hell.

My wonderful, amazing memory foam bed was somehow soaked. I am not even going to begin to try and figure out whose fault this was but it devastated me beyond what I can explain.
I did not get to sleep in my bed the night we moved, or the next night. Finally after the most recent movers flaked for 2 days I hired some local high school boys to move it into the house.

Last night was my first night in my bed. My level of physical pain from overdoing it and moving and unpacking was such that I took one vicodin in order to even bear laying down as Tylenol was a joke. Needless to say I did sleep well.

I have so missed this bed.

We are still trying to unpack, it will take a very long time. Today we finally got a cord of wood delivered as the previous owners tenant did not leave beyond 6 pieces of wood which was not supposed to happen. We have a wood furnace and wood stove fireplace so this was necessary.

Fortunately it has been very warm so we have been fine with the baseboard heat around the house and the weather.

The creek in the backyard is in full flood mode (nowhere near the house and not a bad thing) with the snow melt so we only hear a rushing river sound off the back deck. It is truly beautiful.

We got a lot unpacked in the kitchen today, I am trying not to overdo but I also only have 2+ weeks left and I have to get stuff organized before I am spending every moment breast feeding and gazing.

The dial-up internet is worse than even I imagined it would be. I also just learned my Mac has no phone modem so I have to go pick one up for it, right now I am using Bliss' laptop (my old PC) until I sort that out. It feels awful to be so unconnected but we really do have so much to do it is not the priority right now. I DO hope to gawd I get high speed soooooooon but who knows.

I am ok physically beyond the pain of unpacking although my hands feel still and my knees and feet hurt. They do not look swollen but feel like it. I am also having hip pain but to be honest I am so shocked it has not happened up until now that I am not complaining.

I had to cancel the OB this week because of the move but I see him Monday.

Hopefully I will be back on here in the next few days with more news and a pic of me Bliss and my belly.

Much love to all.

posting...

If all goes well we will be moving into our new home tomorrow.

YAY!!!

I have been too stressed about a lot that happened with the closing to write about it but it seems to be going through in time now.

Once there I will only have........wait for it.............dial up.

I know I know it is terrifying for me, but apparently there will be high speed where we live soon, hopefully within 6 months or less. I REALLY hope less.

In the meantime I will see how it is but it may take a few days before I can get it set up.

I am thinking, however, that tomorrow night I may get to actually sleep in my bed for the first time since January. OMFG I cannot wait!!!!!!

I am 37weeks and 1day today in case anyone is wondering. Maybe I will put a ticker up soon. Heh, I crack me up.

Anyhow I have packing to do, luckily not much, and a nap to try and take.

Oh and two more possibilities for middle names. Soul Echo, Soul Journey but I am still leaving it mostly up to Bliss and feelings when the baby comes.


Much love to all and thank you so much for the great support in the previous post. I really am ok, it was late night emotions that came up strong and writing them let them pass easier. There is no contact for those who do not know, I was disowned with lawyers and everything over a decade ago. I grew up with a man who believed, among other things, in euthanasia for all homosexuals. Good times!!

Anyhow I am ok, I just know there isn't nothing there and sometimes it finds me and I am confused.

BUT...........

enough of that I am soooo excited about moving into our home.

what to do with it...

What do you do with it.
You get raised by weak people who abuse you and teach you how terribly you deserve to be treated.
You grow up fucked up and abusing yourself when you don't find someone else to do it for you.
You get better and then worse and then better and then worse until finally, after many years, you heal bit by bit and get better, get a life of your own.
You grow and find direction, find yourself, but still try to live with them and find a way.
Then they get to know the real you, or hear about it and you get disowned.
You spin again, along with finding you you make some huge regressions thinking you are back at square one.
But you aren't.
You have some big bumps ahead but the path you are on is headed the right way.
You stray away but seem to find your way back a tiny bit easier now.
You do it as an orphan the whole time but you do it.
You hold on to anger at times, you hold grief closely at others.
Always aware of the abandonment, always tinted a little by it.
You grow more and more, you begin your own family, not sure you think you deserve it but you go for it.
You go through devastation and sink low but you come back and are soooo very lucky and blessed.
You know unconditional love for the first time ever flowing both ways.
You feel their absence at time early on that aches deeply.
Then you have revelations and you get angry.
You stop excusing their weakness and re-parent your own little child within.
You love yourself in new beautiful ways.
You love opposite as they did.
You cherish, you nurture, you do not abuse, anyone, nor let anyone abuse you, even yourself anymore.
You grow, you flourish in so many ways, you feel glimpses of content more and more.
Then the acute awareness of your orphanhood hits you and you know you must not leave your gift that world.
So you begin to try for another gift, to be lucky again.
Then it doesn't happen and their is more loss.
And more loss.
And you question yourself and live in anticipated moments not really living for so long.
But you don't think of them much, just in what you want to leave for your own gift.
Just of the love you feel and want to give and teach.
And finally after a very long and very hard road you get lucky again and you begin living again.
And breathing again at last.
But what do you do with the feelings towards them?
I do not forgive, they had no excuse.
But can I say their is no feelings there?
No I cannot.
So what to do with those complicated, not too pretty feelings?
I do not notice them often but they are there, and sometimes, like long nights after even longer days they almost choke me for a few moments.
Rage, grief, fear, hate, love, sadness, loss, pity, disgust, resentment, wistfulness, pain.
They are melded into one amalgam of sensation I do not no what to do with.

Do you?

the mother of the genius...

So it is 1:30 in the morning and I am awake with far too many thoughts which I am sure I will write about in future days but the latest thoughts have turned to the entry two posts ago about Bliss' realization at our strange idioms.

Here is my new thought. We say "I like that don't I?" which we already decided makes no sense, but we also say "I don't like that do I?" That makes no sense either!!!!! But there has to be something to the negative positive and the positive negative, but really it IS past 1:30 in the morning and I am not going there.

Night night.

middle names...

So I am very particular about names for my child/ren.

I know the first name years prior. The middle name usually not until right before birth.

I do not like gender specific names at all.

I really care about the meaning of the names.

Bliss Om is about the creation of Bliss. It fit and fits perfectly.

Soul is the name of this baby.

I have been really discussing middle names with Bliss lately because I like the idea of him having input.

He said he may like the idea of sharing a middle name with the baby which I like but we decided we are not sure.

So I am writing what we are thinking of down, but let me be clear, I am not needing opinions, I am VERY comfortable with my choices and am writing this more for the record and the enjoyment of being able to later look at how this came to pass. Plus I thought I would share it with the blog world.

Soul Om (which would be the sharing which may be really adorable)
Soul Breath
Soul Zen
Soul Light (sadly this CANNOT be used due to our last name)
Soul Peace


And yes they are all crunchy, I would not have it any other way.

Anyhow thought I would share.

out of the mouth of a genius...

"Mama I like pineapple don't I?"

"Yes you do honey."

"Mama why do we say 'don't I'?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do we say 'don't I' instead of saying like 'I like pineapple, I do'?"

"Hmmm hun, that is a really good question and I am not sure, it doesn't make as much sense does it?"

(He went on to further esplain how it does not make sense to say 'don't I' when he is actually asking if he does or asking if I know he does, and why use 'don't' when he is asking if he does...genius I tell ya)

blahhhhhhh...

I have not been updating lately and i should be but I am just in limbo hell and never do well with that. If you don't believe me do a search for that word on my blog...it is never fun for me.

Anyhow we made an offer on a home and it was accepted. We are paying more than i want but we bought all 6.5 acres(it was listed for just 3) and in the long run it will be really great. I know this.

But.

It has a tenant and so they will not close until April 30th. I am due the 20th although I do not put much stock in due dates. Bliss went 42 weeks and was forced out. But conditions have already been met and all has gone through and now it is a waiting game. The tenant could move out in a week, or not until July. There are very real legal issues with him and the current owners that make either time line a distinct possibility and there is really nothing we can do to help it along. I know that may seem strange since we have an April 30th closing but that is the facts and now we just wait. He is a nice man but frustrated at the owners because he was under the impression the house was being taken off the market.

But now there is nothing to do really. We cannot afford to be spending money, we do not have our stuff except bare bare minimum things. We have no idea what is happening on the moving situation and I am frustrated.

The rental we are in is expensive and we also have to pay a ton for storage which we really do not want to continue to pay. The bed is a hotel queen, so a small queen or a big full which is not ok for Bliss and I AND the new baby. I co-sleep. My choice, and something I STRONGLY believe in, and I am not sure how things will work at all if I am not out of here before I give birth. Our wonderful bed is still unreachable in storage and would cost a lot to have brought here to the rental.

I also feel like crap most of the time. I did get to a doctor's appt which got me a referral to an OB. The doc listened on her doppler and all was declared fine. She did nothing I can't do though so no news there. My fundus is measuring about 4 weeks ahead but it always was, the baby still seems small to me which is very strange and I look forward to getting some more info on that. The baby moves often though so that has been comforting.

I still throw up once or twice a week, tried a new med which has not done really anything. It seems I either spend a day sick and do not throw up or spend a day throwing up but feel better after.

I know things will work out but I am so frustrated. I feel like I am getting so crabby this week and I do not want my last few precious weeks with Bliss as just a twosome to be filled with crabby miserable mama so I am frustrated. The stress is also keeping me up at night. I expect that since my body has to gear up for waking all night soon enough but I am just yuck.

That is why I haven't been posting much.

It HAS been beautiful here, there is a ton of neat stuff I could say or show on the new place and Nova Scotia stuff, but I just want to be in our house first.

Sorry for the rant but I had to get it out to hopefully feel better.

dirt update...

BENIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tubular Adenoma of the Mammary is all it was. Pathologist said it was the most harmless mammary tumor he has seen.


WAHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

show and tell for melissa...

I finally downloaded pictures from the trip across and came across this I had taken in line at a Wal*Mart in Ontario. I took it with Mel in mind, I thought she would appreciate it. Especially if you remember THIS post of hers.

I got quite a few strange stares in line as I took it and Bliss asked me very pointedly why I was taking a picture of those. I explained it was for Melissa for Show and Tell and that seems to satisfy him.

update on dirt... (updated)

Dirt is ok, her surgery only took 12 minutes and they got great margins. We will not know the pathology for a week and in the meantime I had to go grab a onesie from storage so she won't lick or scratch her stitches. She has 5 stitches by the way, she gets them out next Wednesday.

She lost her nipple but she is really doing well and was very feisty this morning.

Both dogs are also doing great with the booties and with running out to potty in the snow now.

I am in hell with house hunting still and really not writing much and feeling pressured to find something. It will work out but I may not be as expressive as usual for a bit.

UPDATE: BTW the onesie was the vet's suggestion and it works brilliantly. Funny tidbit though, I grabbed the smallest one I own, and it is one that never even fit Bliss at birth because he was so big (10lb 1oz).

more stuff...

I almost forgot. Potato chips, same brand even.....it is soo strange. I do not eat them often but especially pregnant, even though I like salty while pregnant, because they always repeat on me. They have an after taste and a repeating thing.

In Canada.....they have never done either, at all. Even roomie mentioned how different they are. More potato taste and natural seeming. SO strange.

Also I have lost 4 pounds since we left the US, that is back in the negative numbers for the entire pregnancy. So weird but all is ok.

We got the storage redistributed today. The amount of stuff more we saw broken was just beyond comprehension. A vacuum cleaner literally broken in half, a cast iron bench with the iron legs broken, a tower heater with the entire casing shattered. Every corner shelf from the organizer closet unit broken (that's 5 shelves), our Ikea shelving units with shattered cubby shelves and bins. Our Rubbermaid bins broken in pieces with entire tops off and shattered.

It is sooo shocking. We are still trying to file our complaint with the company but they seem to never return calls.

I did get to some needed things though and now my printer is hooked up as is Bliss' computer so homeschooling can resume. I also got some TVs so roomie and I can relax watching when needed. I also finally organized the stuff in Bliss and my room and put stuff away so we got a lot done today and we feel much more normal.

Tomorrow we are looking at more property but it is far away so it will be a long driving day. Then a day to pamper Dirt before her surgery.

news on dirt...

I just got the call from the Vet. They found epithelial neoplasia cells in the slides from Dirt's lump.They can be adenoma (benign tumor in origin) or adenocarcenoma (malignant) but in cases of these findings they always recommend immediate lumpectomies. When I had thyroid cancer I had papillary and adenocarcenoma. The latter is a fast growing kind and with how fast this lump appeared under her nipple I fear it may likely be that.

The vets feel it was caught extremely early and we will have the mass sent out to get 100% confirmation of exactly what is in it but it all makes me sad. She is my baby, she has been through so much with me. She feels fine this is way to early to cause any physical ailments but it still makes me weep.

Surgery is scheduled for this upcoming Wednesday. We are lucky in that the vet hospital is near.

tidbits...

Thanks for all the supportive comments.

I am still trying to sort out the storage situation and condition of much stuff.

We went looking at places yesterday, nothing yet but a possible possibility. We are seeing another place Monday and some others next week. I am trying not to get overwhelmed. My head has been a bit noisy lately but I am trying to shut it up and remain calm.

I am apparently becoming a cliche with the throwing up in the morning now and needing dill pickles to feel even remotely not queasy.

I have apparently stopped biting my nails, which is VERY strange. I have always bitten them. What is most strange to me is since I went off the pre-natal vitamin my nails are suddenly thicker than they have ever been and strong.

WHY? How is that possible?? The logical scientist mind in me is stumped and confused. I though third trimester is when the baby sucks the most calcium from me. Plus I am not eating much dairy. I have actually worried about my calcium intake (doc said stopping pre-natal was ok with the vomiting thing) and now I have strong thick, growing nails????

Some differences I have noticed here. Special K is not like in the states at all, it is like rice krispies more so.

Corn Pops are VERY different (not that I would eat them now) but I always liked them as a kid and here they are round and hard seeming. Bliss and roomie still like them, roomie says they are like when she was a kid.

It is hard to find sourdough bread, especially any SF sourdough.

Fast food is sooo much better made here it is shocking, soooo much less additive crap.

So nice not to have corn syrup in everything and be able to buy CS free bread easily.

At the store meats are sold by weight per Kg but specials are written on the little signs as weight per Lb. Gets confusing.

Milk is expensive. (another reason we need a cow)

Tortilla's are strange but we were in California which was heaven for good ones.

Great veggies and fruit and really reasonable prices which has shocked me.

Lots of snow, still barely wearing a jacket and loving it. Yesterday I got to drive an hour in a blizzard.

Baby moving a lot which makes me happy. Have taken 2 naps in the last week which were needed. I am finally to that must rest stage.

That's all for now.

beyond my current coping skills...

So I finally got to the storage place today to check on the stuff and see about grabbing a couple of things.
They only got it all there on Sunday.
My stuff is crammed into 3 16 foot units even though I asked for a 24 and was told he would likely use a 32 foot unit. I would rather have paid for a 24 AND a 32 and been able to see anything.
I cannot get to anything.
All the stuff that was so carefully packed so I could get to it upon arrival is lost to me.
All baby newborn necessity stuff is unreachable.
On top of all of this my stuff, our stuff, is trashed. There is a rip in my couch chair, the carpet cleaner is broken, the little ride on train for the baby is in pieces.
I am beyond devastated.
I of course call the second movers to register my alarm and complaint to see about filing a claim.
What am I told??
I am told that it was likely customs searching stuff that did it.
This is total bullshit, I know this but that is what they are saying.
And of course I have to handle ALL of this, me, the pregnant one, because I always do.
But right now I do not want to.
I am angry and pissed and upset and want to scream.
I see boxes back in the units, marked all over with huge FRAGILE letter half caved in on sides.
Until it is all unpacked I will not even know the extent of the damage.
I paid sooooooooooo fucking much money to have this all moved and I paid as much to the asshat second movers to move 700 miles as I did to the first to get it from California to Quebec City.
This is ALL the problem of the second movers.
I am gutted.

tired...

We are here. In Nova Scotia. In the rental.
We got here Thursday afternoon.
I now have internet.
We are exhausted. Two weeks on the road has done me in pretty much.
The weather has been rain and snow prior to our arrival, rain the day we drove in so there is a LOT of ice.
I have taken one bad fall, on my butt, and have the scrape and bruise to prove it.
Roomie has taken two spills.
There was no salt or sand in town until yesterday which was frustrating.
I got show spikes finally and sand finally.
Happy Valentine's Day to all.
Mama dog, the lil one in the movie named Dirt has a sudden lump under one nipple I need to get checked ASAP.
I am ok but really really tires and sore and just ugh.
I am trying to recoup this weekend and then start the house search next week.
Things will likely be pretty sparse for a time here.
Baby seems fine, moving around daily.
I will be getting a doc or midwife soon.
I have 250 feeds to read in my RSS feed reader. I will try to get to them but who knows.
Love to all.

trying something new...

The girls trying snow booties for the first time on snow covered ground.
Roomie is briefly in movie, excuse my awful voice.

oh canada...

We made it to Canada. We stayed in Michigan last night and came across the border today.

The immigration part took like 2 minutes. The customs part took almost and hour and a half but it was mainly because I do not have an address here yet and the place we are renting short term I do not have the address of yet and the phone number I did not have but on email.

I finally got the number and left a message and then they, THANKFULLY, called back quick and all was good.

Next was the fact that we bought our van at such a good price and their value book showed it was more and then one of the agents was telling me we had to have it over 6 months or take a huge hit. But I had called about this prior along with everything else regarding the car so the woman helping us went to check and beyond the import fee ($240) we owed not one other cent. WAHOOOO!!!

So we are just outside Toronto and exhausted. The shippers have been delayed so we will be taking our sweet time to get to Quebec city and will likely not be to Nova Scotia until the middle of next week.

We are all beyond tired of being in the car. The poor dogs are dealing with trying to sniff a place to poop in the snow along with one getting car sick today in the Toronto traffic. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

More soon.

com-plain-ing...

OK this is the corniest title ever. I am in the plains in Nebraska tonight. We are fine, just tired and I am cranky. We limited today's driving to under 5 hours only to run into Central Standard Time and have the clock jump ahead a fucking hour so it never felt like we got to relax more.

ugh

We have been having bad fast food karma as in we stop at an Arby's so I can get a sandwich that is somewhat healthy with some non-sweetened iced tea and they take over 35 minutes to get our food for us and then they mess up Bliss' order. Then we stop at a place for roomie the next day since I had half a sandwich left and that place, with no one there even takes 20 minutes to get her plain cheeseburger for her.

I am eating pretty well but am not hungry much. This morning I dry heaved for a long time again which is just so old.

Bliss is doing well, I get on his case at times, but truly it is 99% my own crap as usual. We went swimming tonight at this hotel and it was nice, just the 2 of us in the pool. Right now he is playing with my foot as I type and he is SUPPOSED to be asleep but I am not getting on him. This is such a hard thing, this driving across the entire continent.

I am limiting driving to 5 hours actual drive time because with stops it is always 7 and we have to do no more than that, it is too hard. I have been able to not drive twice and take short naps but once awake again I start getting woozy not driving so I get back in front. I am sore but ok.

It seems no matter what we planned with regards to driving we would hit Quebec City too late to clear the moving truck until the following Monday which had helped me in deciding on the less hours driving rule. So this trip is taking far longer than expected. We will not be in Nova Scotia until around thew 10th or 11th but I have had to let go and just go with it


The baby seemed not to move yesterday and last night I got out the doppler (thanks AGAIN Rose) and got scared for a few but then found it. I swear if this child makes it through the teenage years without me ranting about all I went through while pregnant it will truly be a miracle.

The dogs are ok but after packing the van so carefully and having the entire back bench seat for them, they are spending all their time on the floor at our feet all squished. It is rough on them (and YES I considered saying "ruff" on them but didn't so there).

The weather thus far has been clear and sunny and barely any snow even on the ground. We have been lucky even though Bliss is dying for snow so much that he is making parking lot snow balls and trying to eat them (I quickly halted him on that). The static electricity has been making him and the dogs nuts so I have taken to spraying them all with my no static mix at every opportunity.

So that is all for now. I need to go get the clothes out of the hotel dryer and try to get to sleep. I miss my memory foam bed a TON!!!

.

made it on the road...

but not very far.

We didn't even get out of there until after 3 after I had to do paperwork I thought didn't need doing for a few more days, then to get lunch at 3 to take on the road that was NOT fast food and then we finally were going.

We made it to Reno, and it is so sad if you knew how close Reno is to Sacramento (132 miles) but by the time we got here it was 6pm and that was it for the day. At least we are on our way.

More tomorrow.

p.s. without my RSS reader I have on my mac I will likely not get to too many blogs to comment for a big, I apologize in advance. I have email, even my mac mail but not the RSS feed.

headache...

So have I mentioned I have been waking up in the middle of the night for over a week terrified about our stuff not fitting in the moving truck.

Well our packers assured me it all would.

Until today.

Yes we were supposed to leave today and they arrived and then said they didn't think it would all fit. So after a lot of crying and freaking out I had to order another truck to come and pay for 5 extra feet in that truck so we can fit our stuff.

At a cost of $1300 extra.

Yay!

And then we find out they cannot seem to deliver the new truck until late today so now we are pushed back another night. We do have my bed and computer, no other beds and they packed the air mattress even though I asked them not to so roomie is on the floor in a sleeping bag tonight. We have no fridge either but do have TV so it is not the end of the world but still SUCKS!!!!

So tomorrow we leave, and I so need a drink, but will settle on iced tea with lemon.

tomorrow... (UPDATED)

We leave tomorrow. I am beyond exhausted and ready to cry but still trying to push through.
I woke up yesterday and threw up bile for about 5 minutes which was awful.
Today I cannot stop sneezing and truly do not know if it is dust from packing or a cold coming on.

I am scared and sad and happy and excited all mixed together.

I will have a computer on the road but will not have my RSS feed and will likely not get to comment as much.

Back to last minute packing and laundry.

UPDATE:

I can't do it, I am taking tomorrow as a rest day and leaving Thursday.

It is after 6 pm and we are just finished with packing the house but I need to figure out the van and clothing better. I really need a day of rest too so we will take tomorrow as a lazy day just figuring out the van and resting all day and then leave the next day.

I think it is a better plan even if the shipping company charges us $50 extra.

neverending packing...

I am in packing hell. Half the house is in the semi out front but there is still so very much to do. I have been ranting on Twit and FB at how awful it is but today I am relatively ok. I pushed back leaving day to Tues. or Wed. and told myself to not push it.

I own too much stuff, that is one of the main problems. Some of it I understand. Baby stuff and toys I and Bliss always took good care of make sense to keep but my need to keep 200 pairs of shoes when I only wear like 3 different in any given season is ridiculous but I can't seem to let go.

I have been trying to cull and cull out so much. I have given away much, sold a few big things and tried to keep letting stuff go. It is hard when neighbors keep stopping by to ask if I am taking this or that and oh can they have that, that and that for free? None of the ones who ask have ever offered to help in any way and it is hitting my hormonal self at times pretty wickedly.

I also am aware of Bliss AND the dogs showing signs of how hard this transition will be. They are all doing great but it shows and I worry. Especially adding a new baby so soon and being in snow. We will all do fine but I try and take time out to rest for the pregnancy and take time to really focus on Bliss to make sure he is ok. All that makes packing slow and unfortunately most stuff only I can pack since I am the one who knows what to keep or get rid of.

UGH

The good news is that baby is getting more and more active, or I am feeling it more and more. Also today was my last OB appointment here and may I just say I passed the 3 hour glucose test last week WITH FLYING COLORS!!! I swear I was borderline last time from the Metformin I was just going off of, it truly messed with my system. this time I was way way below borders and doc was happy and surprised.

I did find out my weight for the first time today but cannot discuss that yet. I lost since last time so overall I am up 1 pound from the very start which is good but I had no idea what I had started at so it was pretty hard. It is nothing I can work on now so I just have to force myself not to focus on it but let's just say there were lots of tears at the docs.

Off to take a bath and read my current book and then tomorrow ...more packing.

show and tell for neenie...

my altar, originally uploaded by MamaBleu.

Neenie asked about my altar so I thought I would share. I will be packing it in a few days so it is also nice to have a picture before that. It is currently on top of one of my dressers, I would love it somewhere else, where it was sitting/meditating height but there was no room here and when Bliss was a baby down low was not an option.

If you click it you will see a highly notated version explaining what is on it at Flicker. It is my first notated picture so bear with me.

Click here to see more of Show and Tell that Mel puts together each week.

wishing otherwise...

for so many having a child brings them closer to their parents, or their mothers

for so many they finally realize how much they were loved by their own parents, something they could never really know until they had their own child

for so many they finally understand how hard it is and was to raise a child

for me it made me learn how loved I wasn't and what total cop-outs my parent's were, taking the easy/abusive road in their parenting

sometimes it makes me cry, a lot

(I am well aware I am currently sick and hormonal but these were my thoughts last night and while melancholy, still true)

third...

By gestation today is the first day of the third trimester.

I had my (hopefully) last 3 hour Glucose Tolerance Test today. It is not healthy to put pregnant women through that, seriously.

I am back to throwing up again, 2 days ago it was so hard I broke blood vessels all around my eyes and now have red splotches around them.

I kept the yucky drink down this morning which was a feat.

Getting lots done but still have so much more to do.

Still have not nailed down a rental for when we get there. Ha!! This makes me laugh actually. I know we will though soon.

Still using the doppler when I get worried. (Thank you Rose!)

Smells are making me nuts more than ever.

I got a big U pillow, very very wonderful.

Taking Bliss to one last dental check up before leaving next week. Very stressful for me and him but better go a little early here and not need to go for 6 months up there.

Back to resting, still feel like utter crap from test this AM.

stuff...

So I never got around to posting any x-mas morning pics because until yesterday I had not unloaded the pictures off my camera. Been busy ya know. So here is a perfect one to showcase the theme of the year.

(not the light saber in the foreground, it makes sounds)

Today I hit double digits and have 99 days until due date. It sneaks up on you, that is for sure.

I also am still packing stuff but feel much better that we have packers. I am mostly just trying to pack stuff I don't want them packing like my alter and whatnot's.

I had to thaw and dehydrate my placenta today. Yes I am sure many of you think it is strange but I cannot take a fresh or frozen one across so dehydrating is the only choice. It does not smell bad at all and I am one of those crazy mama's who thinks it is awesome to take a bite after delivery or use it for PPD afterward (I was not able because of the hospital but I did get it before leaving the hospital). So even though I am that way and the smell is not bad, even according to the rest in the house, it has been making me gag which is annoying.

Besides that I have slowed on the vomiting which is good. I am hoping I am just getting used to things and it will zero out in the next week or so, it takes a lot out of me.

So today is try to sell the second car and hot tub day and not much fun but I am fielding lots of emails and trying to stay on it.

That's all for now I guess.

oh yeah, and....

I completely forgot to mention the other thing. The OB last week had told me it is time to stop the Dexamethasone. I was on it for the IVF you might recall but had requested it for 90 days because of my thyroid antibodies. When I went off it I began throwing up and after trying Reglan and Zofran to no help AT ALL they had me go back on and all was well.

So I need to go off it because I am having another glucose tolerance test this month at the usual time for it and the Dex can affect the results, plus my adrenals can get used to the dex which can cause problems later. So I went off it and what do ya know, 48 hours later I started getting queasy and a day after that I began throwing up. The following day I didn't but then yesterday it was 3 times before 10am.

I am still trying to manage it and am back to dinner for breakfast but it is NOT fun and also part of the reason along with others we hired packers.

So hopefully it will not get worse and only better but that is the other tidbit.

To end on a good note though, in the bath the night before last, while I lay reading the latest Isabel Allende book I saw my belly move from the outside. It was a nice moment. It was slight, but it moved.

spinning...

So I had my repeat u/s anatomy scan on Tuesday. All went well unless you consider the doctor who was not only silent and told me "I cannot give you a play by play" when I asked what she was looking at after the tech had already spent a half hour on the scan but also wore a ton of perfume. So much so I started to get faint and have trouble breathing. She asked me if I was ok twice and then said she could get a cold cloth and I told her her perfume was way too strong.

All was ok she finally said she was just still having trouble seeing everything she wanted clearly. I was told all was well and checked save facial stuff because said baby is face down and uncooperative. Then they gave me three pictures that were so awful. A blurry foot, a skeletal looking face, again, and a leg bone. I was talking with doc and wiping off gel and saw this pic on the screen and asked if I could have it. It actually looks like a baby which no others even came close to doing. She said no she didn't know ho wand when my jaw dropped she said she would "try." Well in 3 clicks she did it and then ripped the paper and cut off over an inch on top, not that I needed it buy my gawd could she have been a bigger twit???

The last thing that happened there, which was when the tech first took me back was a bit irritating. She got me in the room and said "now you don't want to know the sex of the baby is that correct?" I said yes and then she says"well so you know I call all babies 'him' because I don't like to call a baby 'it.'" I said ok but here is the thing, she never said that at the first visit, when she didn't already know, plus she has never used those kinds of pronouns and didn't this visit either. She always ways "your baby" this or that. So part of me thinks she says that with the correct pronoun just to cover her ass which just irritates the hell out of me. I do NOT want to know. I didn't want anyone else for this very reason. I do not want to be dissecting her words or anything. I truly truly do not care what sex the baby is, I could not even pick if I was given the choice but I really resent her way of handling that because now I have a niggle in my brain I do not need.

OK done with the u/s stuff now on to the next.

I hired a company to come pack, or two men from a company one owns. They are amazing and it is a HUGE stress off of us. We had an yucky argument yesterday and it just was too much to try and do on our own. All of this also means we now have a leaving date. We are leaving the 26th of this month. That is 18 days from now people. AAAACCCCKKKK Cue to me freaking out a bit. I paid for the storage unit in Nova Scotia, I have almost all the shipping issues covered, I have a list, or like 5 lists of what has to happen before we leave.

We have pretty much settled on Nova Scotia now, I finally got some clarity on needing to be where I could have an easier time finding crunchies like myself and also have a chance of having a midwife for the birth.

Now we still have yet to find the rental we will be moving into but have feelers out and are pretty confident that will come together in the next two weeks. So yes it is happening, just like I knew it would but it is still pretty scary. We will take our time driving but try to do it in a week. My head is spinning and I know the next 2-3 months will be rough but the dream is finally happening so that is good.

If, and it is a BIG IF, we can find a place to buy before the baby comes I will be very very thrilled but I know it may not happen. I just really hope I can help Bliss through all these numerous transitions without it being too rough on him. Also the same for the dogs but I promise, Dirt will be PISSED at me for a while. Snow indeed!

OK so that is what's up.

celebratory day...

Dirt Dah Der.

My Dirt.

Today she is 10. She has saved my life literally and figuratively many times these past 10 years. She has been there through very thick and very thin. She healed so much and loved me when I was not even remotely capable of loving myself. She gave me strength and purpose and comfort.

She also happens to share a birthday with roomie which made me realize, at the time, that roomie was family. They shared a kindred spirit from the start.

Today roomie gets lots of presents and flowers and Dirt gets yummy treats.

I am thankful for both.

moving on... (updated)

I had an OB appointment yesterday. I had gained 6 pounds, my first gain so far which brings me up 3 pounds in total so far. I have decided no more bagels for breakfast. I am not stressed but think 6 is likely about 2-3 of bagel and 3-4 other. The doc said she agreed, that I would eventually be gaining but the 6 was likely the Holidays. Since I did not eat a bunch of cookies or anything the bagels, which have always been a downfall of mine since I slather them with both butter and cream cheese, are a likely source.

Breakfast had been so difficult for so long that being able to eat a bagel was pretty much a luxury. I shall now try cream of wheat with blueberries.

I measured 26 weeks (I was 24 weeks 4 days yesterday) and the heartbeat was 156. She ordered another glucose test which I knew she was planning this month and we went over a few things but all was good.

I am at that stage where often I will have to go pee and the pressure will build fast and I will get to a bathroom only to go approximately an eighth of a cup. So NOT satisfying!!! It isn't every time but often enough to be irritating.

I still do not feel pregnant to myself in many ways, I wish I could explain it but part of me feels like I will be uncovered as a fraud at any moment. I am still feeling the baby, since x-mas and it is HUGELY reassuring, but even with that, and the waddle, and the back ache, and the pressure, I still feel like I can't be pregnant.

I think part of it is the whole getting what I so desperately wanted after sooooo long (3 years of trying) and not really believing it in some sense. After I had Bliss I couldn't believe I was a mama. I would pinch my arms a lot, I had bruises for the first 6 months of his life up and down my arms from doing it but I just could not believe I got my biggest wildest most important dream come true. I think this is like that, and while I have not begun to pinch myself again (yet) I have this unreality thing going on in my head that is such a trip.

Everyone once and a while I look at roomie and declare "I am pregnant" and she just looks at me blankly with this "what is your problem" look on her face and nods and says "yes you are." Poor woman puts up with a lot but does not get me at all (not that many do).

Anyhow all is well and I am packing most every day. This week we tackle the garage which is my most dreaded part but we will get it done, slowly but surely.

Also I want to just put on here, I am VERY aware people of the weather in Atlantic Canada. I also know snow, have liked in both Chicago and Colorado and picked the climate very purposefully. I am looking forward to it, I have a back up generator already and know shoveling snow will be part of the rest of my life. PLEASE no worries on those fronts.

UPDATE: Mrs. Spock's comment made me think of something I wanted to add. I find it interesting how when people are raised in climates with snow and they yearn to move to Florida or California everyone seems to nod in an understanding way and concur but it doesn't seem to work the opposite way. I was raised in Southern California during the drought. I went years without even seeing rain during my childhood. Living now in Northern California is better but a far cry from what I have yearned for. To me it is the same thing as growing up in New York and wanting to move to Miami but for some reason others don't seem to see it that way.

Just pondering.