anatomy of a bruise...

In other news I fell trying to avoid stepping on Bliss while getting in the bath. I landed on the shower door metal guide and have the worst bruise I have ever had in my life.

The first is a couple hours after then the next is this morning and then this afternoon.

ouch!

:::Updated::: to add another pic from two days later.

out.......

First time ever I have missed a cycle. I am really irked but I will live.
I ordered a tank on Ebay and will pay out the nose to have it shipped ASAP.
I am also going to order 6 vials next month and keep them here.

shit!

cd 12...

I am confused right now. I began opk's on cd 9, there was a line but not equal to or darker than. So on cd 10 it was darker than the day before. I was not sure it was equal yet but it was close. I was a bit miffed because the tank wouldn't arrive until Friday. That night it was about the same. Yesterday it seemed to be lighter both times, just great. This morning it was almost completely gone. I have had O on cd 13 or 14 always, on Clomid it would sometimes be cd 15. Long before Clomid I never had one earlier than cd 13 but this month is a break month, the drug has been stopped. That could have messed with my cycle I know so I am just unsure. I have had no EWCM or other signs. I do not temp. SO the tank came this afternoon. I did another test and it seemed a bit darker than this morning but still very faint. It could be from the whole after 2pm better for LH thing, or it could be that I will get darker and darker until a real surge in a day or two. I have no real way of knowing but of course this is the month I only got one vial. I will not waste it on today as I really do not feel I am about to or have just O'd.

If I do not get a surge and it HAS passed then I have a vial that I cannot send back. I also do not have my own tank or a place locally that would take it. I may try and buy my own tank on Ebay if I have to and just get it refilled when needed but that is so costly. I know I could then order a big amount of vials and keep them here and no longer have to worry about timing or paying those high shipping fees but I just am not sure. It seems like so much to think about today.

In the meantime I think I will make a homemade cherry pie.

cd 8...

Some things of note.

We went to Canada and got our visas signed. We now have permanent residency and can move anytime. I am very happy about this. We had a great, but long day when we went.

I am off Clomid this month and starting yesterday I have had no appetite. It is so strange. I am not sure what it is from and if it is related but it is very opposite of the norm for me. I am not complaining.

I have this deep fear I have been battling this week. I am terrified I am to fat to get pregnant. It stems from tons of stuff, but mainly from the fact that I got pregnant when I lost the weight, then I gained it all back while pregnant and now it is still on and I am still not pregnant again. I ovulate fine, my blood sugars are very normal and I do not have PCOS but it is a fear of mine. Some nights I wake up crying from worrying about it in my sleep. It sucks.

cd 1 ...

So it begins again. Another cycle. Cycle 13 to be exact. I like the number, always have, but sheesh.

I spent the day at the water park. Bliss and I had a lot of fun. I got new clothes last week, it has actually made a big difference. I am still feeling like a lard ass but having some clothes that look decent has made me feel more human. I have taken 5 minutes to primp before leaving the house. It has been ages since I did that. I have also been forcing myself to go out more. Hence the water park. We got a pass and this was our second trip in as many weeks.

Wednesday we go up to Vancouver, Canada for the day and get our visas signed. We will visit the Aquarium there and sight see for the day before taking a late flight back home.

I only ordered one vial for this month, the cost has just been so huge and with the shipping as well I just couldn't do two. I had Bliss with one vial as well as the pregnancy before him so I am not too stressed about that. I am also looking forward to a Clomid-free month.

I had a talk with Soul the other night. I asked her/him to please come sooner rather than later, to meet her/his brother and allow me to be her/his mother. I told her/him it really meant a lot to me. I felt connected much more than ever before.

I am trying to be positive.

I still cry a lot though.

But I am making the effort, doing the work.

I hope this will be my month.

cut, the film...

NEW FILM out...here's the info...must RSVP


What: FILM - Cut: Slicing through the myths of Circumcision

Why: The Director, Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon and producer, Pennie
Ungar-Sargon will be in NY
and will show the film.

When: Monday, July 9th, 2007 6:45 p.m.

Film: 70 minutes Discussion: One to two hours

Location: Realbirth - 54 West 22nd Street, NYC 10010, 2nd floor
between 5th and 6th Ave. tel.
212.367.9006


Info: www.cutthefilm.

com <http://www.cutthefilm.com/>

Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon: Writer, Director, Cinematographer, Editor, and
Narrator
Pennie Ungar-Sargon: Producer

Cut is a new documentary film by Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon which examines the
subject of male circumcision from a religious, scientific and ethical
perspective. Using cutting-edge research, in addition to interview
footage of rabbis, philosophers, and scientists, Cut challenges the
viewer to confront their biases by asking difficult questions about this
long-standing practice.

11 dpo...

Negative HPT. I am pretty down.

I saw my doc on Monday. She said my Clomid Challenge was great, and was pleased. She said she thinks I should continue on the Clomid for a while longer. I spoke to her about taking DHEA along with it and she said it couldn't hurt. She said she thinks I have plenty of eggs, and I ovulate well, but the eggs are either not fully maturing or poor quality. Injectables could give more numbers, so therefore better odds of a good one getting caught.

I found out though, that she does not do injectables at her office. She refers to a Fertility Clinic. She is an RE but chose not to do that in her practice. I was pretty stunned. This definitely throws a wrench in my plans. I do not have insurance that will cover any fertility stuff at all. I may have to change and pay bit for insurance in September, but I now have to see if the only one I could maybe get covers infertility and if so how much.

Part of me wants to do injectables on my own. No flames folks, it is where I am at right now in my head. I know protocols. Doubt it will happen but I am just so despondent right now.

I also have no desire to go to any festivities today. Bliss is pretty oblivious but it isn't fair to him if we don't. I know I should have just waited until tomorrow to test, but I just couldn't. I tested yesterday for the first time, then again today. Some friends always have a block party each year that we go to. I am so not up for it today. I am not sure if we will stop by, but we will take a drive at nightfall by the Expo Center/Fairgrounds to see the fireworks show. I also got him some sparklers. I am just not sure that is enough to keep me from feeling like the world's worst mom today. I already feel like the worst mother for not being able to provide him a sibling.

I am thinking of taking this next cycle off as far as progesterone and estrogen goes. I will always do progesterone, I know I need that. But I may go one month without the rest and see how it goes and then if still nothing do another 2 - 3 Clomid cycles before figuring out the insurance thing. Open enrollment is in September, if I could even get and afford it.

I also know I could still get a positive, but I am pretty doubtful at this point.


UPDATE: We did go to the block party after a movies and popcorn at home. Then we went to see the big ones so he got to have a really great day. I faked it and felt better for it.

5 dpo...

This whole business of TTC can really play mind games with ya. I am aware of this. I am not new to this. I know how much my mind can affect my body. I know what it is like to feel pregnant and get a negative HPT. I know what it feel like to hope and wish and what it feels like to have no hope.

But I am a science mind and I try to figure things out and make sense of things from a biological standpoint. I have been on progesterone during almost all of my TTC. I have low progesterone, I always have. These days I am not taking a ton, just on suppository a day. Before when I was taking 2-3 I had tons of symptoms which were from the progesterone. When I had my m/c the pregnancy symptoms ended almost completely within 24 hours of stopping the progesterone.

Last month I was taking the same amount I am this month. Last month my breasts never even twinged. This month the nipples began hurting before I even began the progesterone. But it was way to early to be feeling something. A day after ovulation is just too soon. Each day since my nipples have gotten worse.

I don't want the mind games, I just want to understand why sometimes they hurt and sometimes they don't. If this turns out to be my cycle I get my birthday wish, fantastic, but I know how easily it can go the other way. So I just want to understand why, how, what for.

Basically I want to not build up to much in my head and remain same for the next week.

tidbits...

I swiped this IF icon from a site. I have no idea if it is ok. I just liked the pretty candle and how it changes colors.

I had ovulation spotting. Never have I had it before. I was in a panic for a bit until I read up that it could be a very positive sign of fertility. I am going with that.

My nipples hurt yesterday and this morning. Way to early for it but strange and interesting.

If I have you on my blogroll, or comment on your blog, and you have gone private, and you wouldn't mind me reading, PLEASE PLEASE invite me. I feel like I keep having blogs go private with no way for me to email a request and my paranoid psyche thinks it is a conspiracy against me. I often believe I offend others without knowing, or that people are secretly against me in an organized fashion. It stems from my mother telling me all my friends really hated me but wouldn't say it to my face, all throughout my childhood. I know it is some bent form of neurosis and narcissism but work with me people. Please.


I have been doing my eating plan for a week. I took Sunday off but went back to it today. I am not sure every Sunday will be off, maybe every other, but it is still a work in progress. I am trying for something I can live with, not just suffer through for a short time.

Bliss informed me this morning that he likes his computer games and candy and wanted both for breakfast. I said no and informed him he would have the usual fruit and sausage and a croissant and only a half hour of computer games. He then asked for one that will not run on his computer. I told him I had to take a bunch off his computer for it to work to which he replied yes please. Then he informed me it was his favorite game. (It is a Donald Duck game in actuality he never plays for long because it frustrates him immensely) I told him it wasn't his favorite game, that he usually didn't really like it anyways. He then tells me, and I quote, "Well mama it is because I am a sad child." I almost choked and asked why that was, and was he not happy, he said "MAMA, I 'get' happy, but I am a sad child." WTF???? He is a very happy kid and cracks me up to no end. He then told me he loved me and kissed me 20 times. All I kept thinking is how much I love my life. I am so lucky to know this being.

0 dpo...

I did the first insem last night and will do the second and last tonight.
Today is 0 dpo and I am glad to be back in the TWW. Testing day will be the 4th of July which is interesting.

I found some stuff on the whole E2 thing that said it could be normal so I am choosing not to freak out.

In other news we got our Visa's back from the Canadian Consulate. We have booked our tickets for July 11th to fly up to Vancouver to get our landing papers signed. We are doing only a day trip as it is really just a formality and we do not want to spend a bunch on hotels and whatnot at this time. We ARE going to go up very very early, landing by 8am, and after the immigration stuff we will venture to the Vancouver Aquarium and the Seabus and Granville Island and make a day of it, then come back on a flight that night. Bliss will be in heaven.

I have also decided to go to Mississippi to see some dear friends. Only Bliss and I will be going, flying in to New Orleans and spending a week or two with them. If things go well we may hook up with them on a business venture and we may spend a month or more. I can always get a tank sent there if this month isn't the magic one. I have been many places but never to New Orleans or Mississippi so it should be fun. They are right near the water so Bliss should have fun as well.

I have been doing really well on my eating plan and with journalling my food intake. I have also been doing an hour 5 days a week uphill on the treadmill so I am pleased with that. I am planning on having Sunday's off for my eating plan, we will see how that goes. I have noticed some more energy this week which is good, but I am also amped about getting our Canada stuff all finished and planned so I will see how I feel after another week.

results...

I was on the treadmill when the phone rang. It was the doctors office, but they were calling me to ask if they could change a July appointment time. I said sure and then asked the woman about my results. She looked and after what seemed like forever read a note saying the doc said to call and say my results were normal.

I thanked her and asked for numbers. I have long since learned to get specifics.

Now I am not sure how I feel. Any info would be greatly appreciated.

My cd 3 results:

FSH 4.3

E2 118


My cd 10 results:

FSH 10.8

E2 614


I was pretty ok with the FSH but the Estrogen results are so high. Then I read up and saw an elevated E2 can suppress an FSH meaning you actually have elevated FSH but it is not showing up because of the high E2.

I am holding onto the fact that my doc wrote it was normal but it still concerns me. I am not sure she will be calling me herself today or at all about the results so any experience with this from all you great women in the trenches would be very appreciated.

looking for a fix...

I had a really nice birthday. I spent the day with Bliss, which is the best way I could ever think of spending any day. He said Happy Birthday without being told this year, it was really special. He also sang a tiny bit all of his own accord which almost brought me to tears.

I did not get a call from the doc on my test and I let it go thinking it was how it was meant to be. I called this morning and asked for a call back which I did not get. I found out later my doc was out today. She has been out of the office a lot this week apparently. I am going a bit buggy now but hopefully I will hear from her early tomorrow.

I also began a new eating plan today. I have been doing the treadmill 4-5 times a week for almost a month now and I am finally trying to get the food thing going better.

I need to find a new "fix" for myself. When I was young I went through my drinking and drugs period, neither of which is even remotely interesting or an option now. If I have one drink a month I am doing well in the wild department these days. I went through a sex for a "fix" phase at times in my life. Not an option at the moment but I reserve the right to go there again in 5 or 10 years. I was a cigarette smoker for years and that was a really good "fix" for me but I stopped when I got pregnant and would not go back while raising Bliss or any other child. It is amazing because I still miss it, even over 5 years later. I reserve the right to take that up again when I am 80 if I want. Shopping is not really a good one because I am not wealthy and have no desire for new clothes at this weight.

Some people may say I should get around needing a "fix" and that is the ideal, but in the mean time I want to try and get away from using food for that purpose. It is especially important for when things go wrong or really stressful. When got pregnant I got stressed worrying about a m/c and then I had the m/c and got even more bent. That is the time I want to find something else to use for a "fix."

My dream would be to use meditation for it, but I feel like it will be a long road to get to that. I have relatives and friends who can use exercise for a "fix." That will never be the case for me. I feel better when I work out in an way, and it helps my self esteem, but it doesn't give me that feeling of safety and comfort food does.

I am working on this right now, and the best I can come up with so far is to just "sit with it" when the shit comes up. For now I hope I can do just that.

I am a work in progress.

I am trying to make lifestyle changes. I am trying to get my weight back down so I can feel healthy and be able to have energy and keep up with Bliss.

I did great today.

my day so far...

I wake up today thinking I will get some errands done, get my blood work done, and stop by a new Greek Cafe opening for lunch.

Then the mother of all hot flashes hit. It just kept going and going and going, getting stronger and stronger. I got out a mister and in a 70 degree house misted myself for over 20 minutes to cool down. Bliss helped thinking it was a fun game. Ha!

Then we took off to run errands. When I got to the lab the line wasn't bad which is nice on a Monday. They call me up to say the second set of blood work wasn't in the computer and hadn't been ordered. I called my docs office. The person who answered informed me my doctor would not be in til 3pm. OK then please get the NP, well she isn't in on Monday's. OK then may I please have the doctor on call, you see I am in the middle of a Clomid Challenge Test and have to have a cd10 draw. I am told she doesn't know who is on call. This is a big practice, lots of pregnant women, hello?? So they say to call the advice nurse for the practice, that she can send in the order.

I call the other office where the advice nurse is located and am told there are 2 people ahead of my on the phone. So I am still doing errands, and on hold over 25 minutes and then when I went into Target the call got dropped. So I get my stuff done there and call back and wait another 10-15 minutes and finally get the advice nurse. I explain the situation, just need a repeat FSH and Estradiol test. She says why are you wanting the test on cd 10 it should be on cd21. I explain no, it is on cd3 and cd10 and that I get the blood draw before I begin taking my Estrogen pills. She then asks why on earth I am taking estrogen. I say it is normal Clomid protocol. She says she works with 9 OB's who are all RE's and has never heard of a cd10 blood test for a CCTT and that she will not request anything so out of the ordinary and that my doctor has to be the one to order it. I ask her to leave a message and hang up.

I get the food, yum, and go home and wait until 3pm and call the doctors office again. This time a very normal nice woman answers and understands that yes this is quite a problem and yes I DO need to have it done today and says she will get the message to the doc and call me back and do it all before the lab closes at 5pm.

I get a call less than a half hour later by the same nice woman explaining the doc had seen the advice nurses message and ordered the test and that she was faxing the order right then. I told her what had happened and she asked if I would please repeat it all again for the advice nurse supervisor. I said sure and did just that.

I then went and got the blood drawn. I got home at 4:30pm.

I then got a call from my dear dear friend whose house I was going to tomorrow to swim in her new pool on my b-day. She told me she had to go in to work tomorrow unexpectedly and could we change it to Wednesday. It is fine and no big deal but it just seems to add to my day.

I feel like I just want to cry for a few hours. All of this happening the day before my birthday shouldn't make a bit of difference but somehow it does.

I will have a good cry before bed and try and release all this crap.

I somehow want tomorrow to be more, or mean more or something. Like starting tomorrow no bad food shall pass my lips, I shall be self actualized and begin my healthy path with a renewed focus on health and spirituality.

It's just not gonna happen. I am gonna bake a homemade cherry pie, and probably eat a nice steak and veggies and baked potato. But I will do the treadmill.

I am not in a great mood.

time going by slowly...

I am not taking Clomid next month.

Hopefully I won't need it, but I am taking a month off either way.

I have had less side effects than many and more than a few. It has not been unbearable, but it has definitely been annoying. The hotter than hell then freezing my ass off over and over is so maddening. The moods have not been the worst they could be but I am certainly snappish much more than I am used to and it makes me feel very badly for my son and roomie when I find myself answering simple questions with snaps back instead of simple replies.

I am hoping this month will be the magic one being my birth month and all, but I am taking a break from it for a month either way.

I will be 40 in 2 days.

I am ok with it for the most part, but ,ack, it sounds like someone else, not like me. I hear people all the time say they feel 19 inside, even in their 60's. I had a rough time when I was younger. I wasn't very happy. Inside I feel 30. I think I will always feel 30. Everything in my life changed directions at 30 and it was all for the better.

I get maudlin for 2 weeks before my birthday each year. This year is no exception.

Tomorrow is the second blood test of my Clomid Challenge. I will most likely hear the results on my actual birthday on Tuesday.

blah

ouch...

I am on cd3.
I went in for my first blood work for the Clomid Challenge Test today.

I am so sore. I spent the past two days cleaning out the garage. We went and got more shelving yesterday and then emptied out so much stuff. I have a lot I am saving for the next baby, but I had a lot I needed to just get rid of. I took an entire truckload to Goodwill today. They needed 4 carts to get it all, and their carts are huge. Then I went back home and re-loaded the truck and took another entire truckload to the recycling center.

The shelves I got are those Gorilla Rack ones you put together with just a rubber mallet. I love them. I got four new ones and putting them together strained every damn muscle in my back. Then unloading and re-organizing and sorting and reloading all those shelves just about killed me. I have a lot of space now. I also put up a lot above the rafters in the garage.

I have some more sorting to do but it is just about 10 boxes of paperwork and 2 large bins of clothes that I know I will never fit into again. I just need to let them all go but I will sort through them over the next day or two.

Meanwhile I am hobbling around barely able to walk. It is comical how truly aching my body feels.

I cannot believe I will be 40 in 8 days.

I know what I want.

what now...

Negative. I knew it would be. I realize it is only day 11/12 but I know my body.

I called my doc today. She called back before noon, goddess love her. She says we should do a Clomid Challenge Test to see if it is still working for me and to see if we get any indicators of current fertility, reserves, and if things are pointing towards injectables. I can so not afford to go that route, but will charge it and do so if it is indicated.

The plan is day 3 blood work, then Clomid 100mg from days 5-9 (I usually take it 3-7) and then day 10 blood work in the morning followed by Estrogen starting that evening. I cannot get blood drawn on Sunday's so I am hoping things time out OK. I also can never decide when to count CD1 with how my periods are lately. I start some heavy spotting or light flow and that can last 1-2 days then I go into my hemorrhaging. I am thinking the best idea is to start counting whichever way assures me that CD3 and CD10 do not fall on a Sunday.

I also have to figure out what to do with my order this month. If my Challenge comes back badly it may be silly to inseminate, but this month I am due to ovulate on my 40th birthday which seems kind of neat. Since I have to have it shipped I have to order in advance a bit more than CD11 so I can't really wait for results. So it may be a waste of $700 if I order and make for a very big bummer b-day, but if the results come back good I don't want to not inseminate, especially being my 40th and all.

So I am bummed. I am glad my doc is working with me. I am glad I am moving forward, but I am bummed.

I woke up about 6:30 and tested and then went back to bed. Bliss rolled over and cuddled which made life better, let's face it. I am so lucky to have him. Once we woke up about an hour later and had our morning kisses I told him I wanted to talk. I cried a bit and told him I wasn't pregnant, again. I told him I was so sad and was trying so hard and that it frustrated me so much. He told me it was OK and that he knew I was trying my hardest. I told him I would keep trying and he said OK, that's good. So we are open about it and it helps us both, I truly believe, to do so.

I am also realizing I am in deep need of a real time friend who has been through it, but I just don't have one. To top that off secondary infertility is such a complicated issue for others it seems. So many tell me I should be happy I have one. I am. So many ask if I am going to keep trying. Duh. So many think I am getting to old. Fuck off. This will be my 12th try this month but it has been over a year and a half because of my break for my thyroid completion surgery. This will be my fourth month on Clomid this time around. I am in such need of venting and getting that positive supportive feedback. And it does come here in Blog Land, even on some BBS. But the thing is, the thing I crave, is the eyes. The eyes that look into your own and convey that soul knowledge. That convey the understanding of just exactly what you are saying, of what it is like to go through this. I wish I had that right now, because it is so lonely here sometimes.

As far as venting though, well I sure do seem able to do that lately. So thanks to any and all who read my blog, thanks for listening, for commenting, for hearing my pain, It does make a difference as well, even if I don't sound like I think that very often.

on the eve of testing...

SO tomorrow I start testing.
(on a side note, I enjoy starting sentences with "so", deal with it)
I am close to tears tonight.
I do not feel like I may be pregnant.
I do not feel hopeful.
My breasts have showed signs with 3 previous pregnancies.
Now they feel nothing.
This is my third try since the m/c.
It is breaking my heart.
Truly breaking my heart.
Each month that passes.
Every dollar shelled out to try all down the drain.
I got pregnant with Bliss my first try back after a 3 cycle wait.
I am just so disappointed.
For myself as a woman,
for myself as a mother.
For Bliss.
(now the tears fall)
I will test and keep trying,
and see the doctor again.
But it is so unfair.
The only place I can go.
The only place where I can let this all out,
to people who truly understand, is here.
It sucks.
It hurts.
It aches.
It burns.


It hurts.

good news in the interim...

I have been pretty quiet. I am in the 2ww and hoping my boobs start swelling and getting sore, playing mindgames with myself and blah blah the usual.

I got a call Wednesday from the lawyers office and we got approved!!!!!!! The Canadian Consulate General has requested our passports and we are getting our landing papers. I am over the moon about this. It has been an over 2 year process so it feels really good to get this finally. It also feels like getting asked to dance at a Jr. High dance. They like me they really like me!!!!!!!!

We aren't moving up there until spring of 2009 because my roomie/friend retires then, but we will have permanent residence status and I will get to raise Bliss in a country that doesn't bully the world and send it's boys and girls to their death to line rich white men's pockets. I will get to raise him where I don't worry about getting shot on the freeway by a pissed of driver. I will get to raise him in the country, on a farm (hopefully) and with a wilderness for a back yard.

I have this running image in my head of him at 10 and me telling him he isn't allowed back inside for a few hours. He will roam around, discover, play, and I won't worry about if gang bangers are down the street.

I will also look forward to one of the top rated educations in the world. I may not want to home school forever.

So I am happy and relieved. It was a nice treat for this 2ww.

because it makes me smile...

I am back in the 2ww as of today. One insem today and another tomorrow. I have the major Clomid bloat going on with lots of crampiness. I am glad to be back in a 2ww though, I always do better mentally during this phase than the waiting to O or waiting to flow phases.

I began this blog just before Bliss turned 4. The responses to his pictures have truly been so sweet and even healing to hear. I am taking this opportunity to post some of my favorite pics of my baby from his first day here. It is my way to share and gush all at once. There is also another great pic of the infamous hat (hint, hint).

The day of his birth.


The day after he was born.


My mama dog Dirt would always lay with us as he breastfed, keeping watch on my milkdrunk boy.



This picture is far to accurate an account of how I look naked these days.



SO darn cute it hurts. I LOVE HIS BOOTY!!!







This picture was the winning picture in the contest at our Cloth Diaper Service.




Such attitude, but with such humor as well, to me this conveys all that so well.






Hat picture.


One of my all time favorites. He loves water and liked playing in it, I loved the way the sun streamed in and the look in his eyes.



My other all time favorite. His eyes slay me.

the story of the hat...

This is a picture of the first time Bliss was at the beach. He took a handful of sand and ate it. It was gross but I let him have at it. The hat on his head was my favorite. It was the only hat he ever let me put on him without tearing off. He loved it. It was made from cotton and I believe crocheted. It had a ton of give and would even fit my huge head. I envisioned him wearing it all his life. I have no clue where we lost it. I rarely ever lose things. I am sure it feel out of the stroller at a store or park one day. I twice tried to hire someone to make me another exactly like it. It had been a gift and there was no way to buy it anywhere. I probably spent in excess of 20 hours online trying to find another exactly like it. The hat I bought on our trip is vastly different, and much warmer, but it is in the same spirit of this one.

If anyone ever sees this hat, I will happily pay for it and it's shipping to get to us.

So now ya'll know the story of the hat.

In other news I am on cd 7, have ordered the vials, and am in the midst of Clomid hell, but besides that all is well.

truly, madly, deeply...

I am home again, I have been home since the start of this week but my baby had to have dental surgery today and I was in worry mode. He is all done, and doing well after a hard morning. I am able to breathe again and share about my trip.


We had such a wonderful time together. It amazes me. I go out of town with my child and I feel like I have grown to love him so much more. I have no idea how that is even possible, but my heart expanded about a hundred fold this past week. We took 101 home and stopped at all the big redwoods which was so fun. The entire 7 hours up there he watched movies and I drove. The entire way home there were no movies, and we talked and laughed the entire time. He is sooooo my Bliss in every sense of the word.




The school stuff we didn't do up there but he got this book because I told him he could if he drew an "A". This is the first letter he has ever drawn and I have tons of pictures.


The beach was overcast but not cold. It was so nice as it has this huge sandbar. He was naked in minutes of course, and we played in some quicksand sand we found.


This picture was taken at my friend's graduation. He had on his "nice" button up shirt and was so adorable. It was cold and drizzling, but we had a nice time. He actually sat in my lap, still, for over an hour and a half. A first for sure.


I bought this hat for him which is adorable. I had a rainbow hat for him when he was little that I adored but lost. I will post a pic of it later, but this one is to replace that.


My friend took him and her son for a ride in their bike trailer. Bliss had a blast.

This was before we left, we had gone to feed the ducks. I love these overalls but he rarely wants to wear them.

sigh...

I am not pregnant.
I am frustrated, and feeling a bit down.
I am in stasis and it is not a real good way to live.
With my life on hold in so many ways.
But I will keep trying, and keep plugging along.
On a positive note I am going up north tomorrow with Bliss.
We are going to a dear friends graduation from College.
We will go to the beach, me the whale.
We will have s'mores.
We will have our first vacation in years.
Bliss is so excited and I am as well.
We have also started school, he and I.
Each day we work on letters, numbers, writing.
He has never been into drawing so now he is learning.
I was always a high school teacher, my forte.
It is so different teaching this age, and then that it is my child.
I find myself getting upset telling him he knows how to do it, to just try.
Then I pull back an breathe and he smiles and says,
"Go with the flow mama."
It is our mantra for when we get cranky.
Today school started out pretty icky, but we were both tired.
We took a 4 hour nap together.
The first in ages and longest in years.
We woke up and he wanted to do school again.
It went great.
He is teaching me so much.
I just want to give him a sibling in return.
Sigh.

again...

11 dpo negative hpt

desire...

It's 9:58pm, I just finished watching Grey's Anatomy (Tivo) and , as usual, am in tears. I enjoy the show a lot. The very end of this episode was Meridith's voice saying that desire causes all sorts of feelings and emotions. That wanting causes all sorts of suffering. This is right in line with my Buddhism. But she ends the show saying that "those who suffer the most are the ones who don't know what they want."

BULLSHIT

I am well acquainted with suffering. I have been through years of it, both self and tragically induced. In theory those who suffer the most are those that grasp the hardest, but amount is irrelevant.

I know what I want. I can spell it out, it minute detail. I am aware of it every waking moment of my life. I have gotten it largely. My son, a child, it was my greatest desire. But desire changes. My only desire now is to raise him well, to be a good mama, to help him learn to love himself through all the crap life throws at you. I am also convinced, that for him, for me, for us and our specific situation I can do that best if I give him a sibling.

Before I get comments saying I can raise an only child up to be happy please stop. I am sure that is true, just as I am sure anyone can be happy if they have the right mindset. This is not about that. This is not about how I can change my beliefs, or how I raise my kid. This is about my desires. My need to give my child a sibling. My need to carry another child, to feel another baby move in my womb. My desire to know I can love another child as much as my son, not play favorites and dole out different parcels of love for each child as was doled out to me growing up. My desire to unconditionally love my children and raise them knowing , maybe just even having a notion, of how to unconditionally love themselves.

This is about my desire to see Bliss as a big brother, nurturing and loving his sibling in such a fantastic way as I know he will. This is about my desire to give him his desire, and that is so much stronger than any I could manufacture for myself.

And it hurts, it aches, the longing. And I try and do the things I need to to make it possible, all the while trying to not be frozen in limbo until it comes to fruition.

I am a grasper, and I happen to have a really really strong hold.

on the road again...

I am in a much better place. I think just admitting I was down and getting it all out helped me a lot. I even got on the treadmill twice this week so far.

The sperm arrived yesterday along with my first positive opk. I did one insem. early this morning and will do another tonight. Then it is back to the 2ww. I do better during this phase than the waiting to bleed phase, that is for sure.

down...

i am down
the virginia tech tragedy is awful
the fact that 33 make daily headlines while hundreds get no photos
that we have taken women's rights back 50 years was the straw
the fact that we continue to murder. torture and commit war crimes
the fact that not one american media source is speaking up
we are a nation of bullies and sheep
where is the outrage?
i cannot breathe from choking on mine
couple this all with ttc after a m/c
with taking clomid, estrogen, and progesterone
couple this with 70 pounds hard lost and 50 gained back so damn easily
mix it all up
i am down
wading through and moving forward, but slowly
and sadly
i will get through but it sucks
and i hold on to our pending canadian immigration as a life buoy
but this week is rough

cd8

for shites sake...

Today is cd34, or cd1 depending how you look at it. I am finally, FINALLY, having some spotting. This is officially my longest cycle ever and it has sucked ass!!
I just want to bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed and let it all go. Then I can get back to the business of beginning again.
I am feeling icky lately. I feel like in my head I am being judgemental of everyone and everything and it does not sit well with me. I read about some people who have tried 5 times and are ready for a 6 month break. It made me nuts. This is silly, people can do what they want and/or need to do for themselves, but my internal dialog was loud. I am sure it is because of recent comments from RL friends about if I will keep TTC. I will keep TTC another 6 months at least before I look into a change in protocol. And then it would be injectibles and then IUI perhaps, although timing is never my problem. But the only stopping in my mind would be menopause, and in my family that happens closer to 60 than 50 and I am looking at 40 so I think I am some time, in my mind at least.
So back to judgement. I would never say something, but I do not like the thoughts. It is ugly. It is all wrapped up in my own baggage I know, as is most my judgemental behaviors but I want to work on it. Even having the thoughts clouds how I live, I know this. If only I was working on my Buddhist practice I am sure this would be worked out, but alas, as with the treadmill, my eating and my social life, all our currently non-existent.
I am trying to tackle each one head on though. Purging is usually my first step.

not pregnant...

I am not pregnant. I have always tested positive by this time and I don't "feel" pregnant either.
I am bummed, and some fear of it taking 8 more tries again comes up, but I am trying to just drop all that. I will probably get my flow this weekend and then begin again.

I was speaking with someone yesterday and told them I had tested negative. They asked me if I was going to try again.

????????????????????????????

That ticked me off. A lot. A good friend last month and I were talking. It was right around insemination time. I said "wish me luck, think lots of positive pregnancy thoughts for me" and she said "I am thinking positive for whatever happens, either way" and that too ticked me off. It is like people are thinking I may never get pregnant and carry to term. That is not a possibility in my thoughts, not even close. My only thoughts and fears are around how long it may take. So it hurts when others make those assumptions.

For now I am just trying to focus on the next 30 days.

...

BFN this morning.
I will do one more tomorrow.

vent...

This TWW has been a highly emotional one. I do not want to get all my hopes up. I got pregnant the first try back after my previous m/c so I place pressure on it all from that. Then I have huge mood swings, cannot remember anything to save my life, am crying over 20 times a day, I kid you not, and have various other symptoms. All of these things can be attributed to a Clomid cycle and the current Progesterone I am on. I know this. So I feel like I have to just ignore it all, and not get caught up, and almost be frozen in a way so I won't be too upset if it takes some time again. But with the crying every 15 minutes it makes it a little hard.

I keep feeling this need to vent all of these issues I have. To vent about my bio family abandoning/disowning me. Vent about my abusive childhood. Vent about my body issues, my eating issues, my shopping issues. Vent about how irritated I find it that I am almost 40, hold a Masters degree and a friggin commercial or tv show can remind me that I am STILL in so much pain over the emotional and physical abuse of my childhood. I have been through the therapy. I am not depressed about it, I do not think about it daily, I have let it go. Many times. And that is my point. How can we let something go and let it go and let it go and yet still be affected. How can what happened when we were small affect us forever no matter how much therapy or healthy living we do. It makes me terrified of how I can ever raise Bliss without messing him up. I have 65 year old friends who still turn 12 when around their parents.

So, to come back from that tangent, I am am emotional basket case, all hormone induced (except for a small dose of full moon thrown in) and I am trying to just get to Thursday and be zen with whatever outcomes happens.

Ha

Yeah right.