cd1 fun.... (updated)

WARNING: THIS POST IS GRAPHIC AND BLOODY

I have been very lightly spotting for the past week, so light it only showed when I wiped. A couple days ago I started breaking out and had a few light cramps. I thought maybe this was it, I would just have this barely there period. My doc said it could go either way. I POAS Wed. morning and though still a line it has faded a lot since the week before.

Today I was putting something together for Bliss when suddenly I felt a gush. I ran, legs squeezed, to the bathroom and didn't even fully make it. I was hemorrhaging like a river. I felt no contractions but it was coming out in spurts. For lack of a better example it was like vomiting, uncontrollable and in waves. I had jumped in the tub to better keep an eye of the clots I was losing and I wasn't up for toilet fishing. All the blood was very bright red. I continued to flow, like a river non-stop, except for the waves of clots that would spurt out. At one point I looked down and saw a 5 inch wide sheet of a clot and then I called the doc.

The RE clinic today is doing transfers so it is crazy busy, I left word what was up and got off the phone and out of the bathtub when there seemed to be a lull. I put in a Divacup (I use it and love it) and went to find my iron tabs. About 10 minutes later I felt the overflow and ran back to the bathroom. I took the overflowing cup out (it holds 2 ounces) and my cupped hand was filled with a fist sized clot. I was flowing blood over it for about 15 seconds. I waited about 15 minutes for the latest flood to slow and then cleaned up again, replaced the cup and went to try and fix some food.

During this time I got a call, I thought it was the RE so I answered but it was a cousin calling to tell me she gave birth yesterday. I oohed and ahhed and got all the details and then hung up shaking my head at the irony from my very obviously anemic state.

I ate meat and greens and some POM with soda water and then after another 25 or so minutes I had overflowed again. After that cleanup the docs wife called to say I should start my BCP today and take one every 4 hours until this subsides.

At this point the cramps start, which makes no sense but whatever. The came fast and hard. I took a darvocet thinking it would be enough and went to take a shower and bath to relax and clean up more thoroughly. The entire shower/bath (40 minutes) I kept passing clots, now smaller, and bleeding on and off. I got out, the cramps still bad, took the first BCP, took a second darvocet (my Rx says 1-2 every 3-4 hours) and laid down.

Happy CD1 to me. Or not, not sure now.

Update: Bleeding has slowed, clot passage has slowed. The pain meds kicked in and I feel MUCH better. I even made Bliss mini blueberry muffins, at his request of course. I tried to stay laying down but not so possible with him, but we are taking it easy.

My doc just emailed me he thinks it was the last of what he calls the "withdrawl bleed" which apparently maybe isn't my period so now I am still confused. He did say we should be able to move forward now though and "focus on the future" so hopefully this is all good.

fyi...

If you have me on your blogroll please let me know so I can add you to mine. Every once in a while I come across a blog and see my blog, which is always a thrill truth be told, and then I feel bad I didn't know.




In other news Easter was fun, Bliss hunted for around 65 eggs and had a blast. My fingers are finally fading from egg dying. I ate all the junk and candy until I was junk and candied out. We had a really sweet and wonderful day.

One day this week it was warm enough for hosing around as seen above.

Today I start eating well again. My goal is mainly protein and fruit or veggies with healthy grains a few times a week. Sunday's are to be free for all days. I am also hoping to slowly work on portion control this week so next week portions will be sensible and I will start the Metformin again next week.

mourning...

I don't really know where to start so bear with me.
I was reflecting on Bri's pain being especially acute this year on the anniversary of her mothers passing on March 17. This being her child's first year it stands to reason it would bring up a lot. I also remembered that Rosie O'Donnell's mother passed on her birthday which is also March 17. I was overcome with grief and began to cry in earnest. I started to ask myself why.

The thing is, my mother is very much alive in good health as far as I know. But I have not seen nor spoken to her in over 10 years. I was disowned when my father found out I was gay, my mother already knew. I have the only grandchild. I send pictures etc. I have even gotten an e-card twice that said nothing personal but was sent. Calls are not tolerated. I speak with my aunt, her sister, but even that is hard for me at times because all the the family has accepted it or chosen to ignore it in some way. I could never, ever do this to my child.

I was raised in a very abusive household. I doubt I would see my father even if he wanted to as a result. But my mother, it is so complicated. She abused too, she allowed a ton of abuse, bigotry, racism, and other atrocities to go on in our home. She was complicit. As I get older, as I parent longer I excuse less. I forgive less I guess. I see her more clearly in a way I suppose.

But the thing is, the kicker, is that I am left in a perpetual state of mourning someone who is there. It is so difficult for me. It guts me when Bliss asks why he can't see his grandma. It kills me when I cannot show my son pictures of me growing up. It kills me that I have lost my mother, even though she is there, and it never gets closure.

I imagine it feels somewhat similar, some fraction of the continuous pain Bri and Rosie must feel.

It hurts.

spring...

Happy Vernal Equinox

needing advice... (Updated 3 times)

I took an HPT today. OF COURSE I got two immediate fucking lines. When you don't want them they come. SO I am trying to decide if I should go in for a blood test or not. It was planned for tomorrow and part of me says screw it, until there is no line it isn't worth it. My concern is that if it is still up at the 1000 range then something is amiss, but if it is at 100 or so then all is moving on down. Any thoughts?

UPDATE #1 I spoke with docs wife and she agreed I should go ahead and go in today. It was on our way to the movie theater to see Horton Hears a Who. I am now waiting for the results. I will update again when I get them. BTW the movie was adorable and Bliss adored it.

UPDATE #2 I just got the call. My number is now 253. Not awful, not great. We decided to test again when I get my period or in 2 weeks whichever comes first. It would be due next week if things were back on a 4 week schedule. We shall see.

UPDATE #3 The doctor called me this afternoon. We spoke for about 40 minutes. We went over every one of my neurosis derived questions and every other legit one I had. I feel way way better than I did about things. I now feel as if I am doing all the things I need to be to give myself the best odds. I also have a few areas I used to stress about that I am not longer concerned about, mainly because I learned there are some things that medicine has no control over. That helps to know. There is no use stressing over wishing I could up my antral follicle count if that is not a possibility. My egg to follicle ratio is stellar and that is all I can hope for. I wish I would have tons of antral follicles leading to tons of eggs but at 40, almost 41, it is just not to be for me.

I am also OK with doing the BCP again. The doc thinks I should be a go for an April IVF with how things seem now. My number dropped enough for him to think it will zero out in the next 2-3 weeks. My period is likely to happen next week and he said to get another blood HCG level done after I get my period and have been on BCP for a week. I start BCP on day 3 of the cycle. So while I would still love things to be lower things seem pretty on target.

I did mention to him that I want my twins back and he said he would like to see that happen for me. He is a very sweet man and i am lucky to have him in my corner. I hung up with him and had a cry just because it is all so emotional. I am OK though and just hope all goes OK for the April IVF.

the feast, day two...

So I had warmed and buttered Irish Soda Bread for breakfast along with some bites of cherry pie, with coffee of course.

For lunch I made some fresh french fries in my fryer. That Alexia Yukon Gold Fries with Sea Salt are incredible every time, and every single fry is perfect. Fries are my weakness for the record. Anyhow I then used THIS site to make the most awesome Reuben sandwiches ever. They really did turn out restaurant style. We also had really great dill pickles and some awesome coleslaw I picked up at the market. The sauerkraut and the pickles were Bubbies brand I got at Whole Foods and were amazing. My roomie grew up in New York in Hell's Kitchen and swears the pickles were just like she used to get on 13th Ave. for what it's worth.

After lunch and a long break I had some cherry pie ala mode and now I am over stuffed and aching.

I DID mow the front yard which made me feel a little bit better. I even got some sun on me. I took a shower after and felt the pinkness when I got out.

I am planning on starting back to the treadmill and better, smaller portioned eating in the next week. I have a Spring Equinox (not Christian so it isn't really an Easter thing) dinner planned of Ham and mashed potatoes with fresh veggies but that will be my last indulgence for a while. I am just too sick of my weight right now. Sometimes I think I am slowly suffocating myself in my own fat. I know that is sick sounding but it is how I feel sometimes.

Anyhow I am definitely in better spirits this week. The making an effort to get out and get sun and get a bit more active does help. I also got over 5 hours sleep last night which helps a ton.

I got some beautiful daffodils for free from my local market yesterday They were a thank you for being a great customer gift. They were closed even. Today they are open and just amazing so I thought I would post a pic. They just scream sunshine and Spring.

the feast, day one...

I have made many a corned beef and cabbage meals and this year is by FAR the best I have ever made. First off getting the corned beef from Whole Foods, while absurdly expensive, was just amazing. Truly awesome. It was there own ones they corned. Next I decided to slow cook it. It was more out of a need to make things easier but it made it just wonderful. I also used some new spices this year for cooking. I used garlic cloves, black and white peppercorns, allspice corns, mustard seeds, juniper berries, whole cloves, bay leaves, and the rind of one orange. It made it yummy. I also got organic multi-colored carrots which were yummy AND fun. I did both red and green cabbage and potatoes of course. I also got some amazing, and so bad for me, peppered thick cut bacon from the store the other day. They were handing out samples they had cooked off and it was just so good it was impossible not to buy some. Bliss LOVED that and mostly had that with fruit although he said he liked the corned beef. .It was all just so delicious it was astounding. The dogs got the fat layer which was heaven for them.

I also had pear cider with the meal which was just right. I also had some blood orange sparkling juice for Bliss so we could all do "cheers" with our meal. We have three acrylic wine/champagne glasses for just that. Bliss has the flute and roomie and I have a regular wine glass one each and we all do cheers at holidays without worry of breakage. Bliss loves it.

After the meat was done this morning I took it out and covered it. I saw how much it has shrunk (way way more than I am used to, but for that flavor who cared) and I was worried we would not have enough for the sandwiches tomorrow. I ran off to the market and got a fresh cooked one there that they sliced thin for me for tomorrow. It isn't a Whole Foods one but is a perfect one for the Reubens. It was also nice not to have to cook another and drag out the slicer after it cooled. I also got to be really picky about thickness of the slice.

Lastly I made a homemade cherry pie. It turned out just perfect which is always nice.

magic...

FYI the Magic 8 ball to the side, just enter any name and leave the rest blank and it will still give you your answer.

for fun...

trudging along...

I am doing a bit better. Thanks so much for all the kind encouragement. It got dark for a bit. I am just not feeling ok still. I get cramps on and off and spot here and there. Yesterday I passed so clotty-ish stuff again. I also am just either bitchy or crying or overreacting it seems. Roomie picked up the wrong potato salad the other day and you would have thought she lost my dog. It is just ridiculous.

I do have a plan for getting better in my head. I am not really in the mood to go into it but I can at least envision getting better which is positive.

In other news I am planning on making a nice Irish meal for St. Patty's day this weekend. I decided to do the corned beef and cabbage meal on Sunday and then do Reuben Sandwiches on Monday this year. I love me a good sandwich. I am also looking forward to the Irish Soda Bread from Whole Foods. It is so incredible and you can only get it once a year. I have made my own but theirs is so amazing. I am not sure I have ever mentioned it, but I am mostly Irish in all of my "mutt-ness" and I always feel obligated to celebrate this day at least cooking the traditional foods. I also feel as if I must have at least one drink as well. I am MORE than fine with that this year with what's going on. I just cannot really do the traditional Irish drink. I cannot handle Whiskey or Beer. I somehow doubt I would like Mead or Poitin (can anyone tell I was looking up Irish drinks yesterday?). I will likely either have a pear cider, which I do enjoy, or I will stick with my usual Margarita or Champagne.

I think it is pretty obvious I am looking for distractions and this is one. I have also taken half a mg of Ativan the last three nights before bed to try and get to sleep early so as not to spend the night crying and awake. I find it interesting I am crying more now than when I found out. I am still trying to let the emotions come and flow through, but I cannot keep up the staying up half the night thing and expect to do ok during the day. It has helped a bit. I really think the HCG not being at zero yet has messed with me the most. It is like it has postponed me being able to move on and that has really fucked with my psyche.

I am really hoping as soon as I zero out I will truly have a fresh outlook on all of this, or at least be able to focus on the next cycle.

...

I am down today, and pissed off. I just feel like I am being this crappy mother all because I am trying to be a good mother and instead of being that I am short tempered and have no patience. All the while I am so painfully aware of how lucky I am to have him and of how utterly amazing he is as a being. He puts up with so much from me and usually always with a kiss and a telling me how much he loves me and then I go and yell at him for such stupid shit all because I am so devastated I cannot give him a sibling. This just fucking sucks so badly and I just want out of this limbo hell, but I cannot not give him family and siblings. I was disowned. I know how awful the pain is of having no family there and wanting it so badly. I will not be around forever and I want him to have family he grows up with knowing unconditional from and with. And in the meantime I am shit for all and a bitch to the most amazing being I have ever met.

ARGH this is just so damn fucking hard.

questions and numbers...

I have some burning questions for the blog world.

When counting IVF's there does not seem to be a set correct way. Some count each IVF and each FET as an IVF, some do not. I will be having my second IVF and my third cycle with the RE.
So do I count it as my second or third?? I am interested in input on this and the reasoning behind it.

I have been reading some articles arguing better responses with non-BCP IVF cycles except in the case of over responders. Has anyone any information on this? I was ok with my response during my last IVF but I did wish my left ovary had produced the same amount, at least, as the right one oo I am interested in others experiences with BCP cycles vs. non-BCP cycles.

I got my HCG done today to see where it is at. It is at 1012. Not nearly as low as I would like obviously but what can you do. This is just another really irritating example of just how little power or control I have over this whole process. I have not totally even stopped bleeding yet so I guess I should not be surprised. I have to get another HCG in 2 weeks and then we will see where I am at. Any reassuring stories of how your numbers went down smoothly and/or within a month would be awesome.

clarifying...

I feel like I should clarify my last post. I do not censor here on my blog, truly I don't. I just would end up bringing up things that I have gone through that would make things awkward. Kind of like when you don't feel like mentioning your infertility because you know it will invite others to say all those things you really do not like to hear. So if I bring up past abuse for example it puts it out there and I am past it and really don't want to re-hash it here.

Then why bring it up you ask? Well that is my whole problem, I am this open book sort and will bring up a whole plethora of stuff I have experienced, but then inevitably I end up spending the next hour or day trying to make others feel comfortable for my own life experiences.

Anyhow enough of this I just wanted to clarify.

in which a meme does not get done...

First off the movie yesterday was wonderful. I loved it. I enjoyed it way more than anyone else for sure. Bliss spent most of the time climbing on my head and back and making loud shrill sounds "because he can." It was fine though, I was occupied for 2 hours with a very sweet, very magical film that I loved.

On to the meme thing.

I DO NOT DO MEME'S PEOPLE!!!



I made a decision long ago not to do them. Until yesterday I had never been tagged and then BAM I get tagged and then I get an email from a friend with a meme inside. Then today I got tagged again.

Here is the thing. Have any of you ever met a person who had experienced way way too much in their life? One of those people who has seen or done or experienced so much it makes others way uncomfortable when they discuss it? Well I am one such person. I have experienced way too many things, good, bad, awful, serious, hilarious, kinky, and extreme. I am fine with it all, but I have no filter. Zero. So in a meme I will divulge too much and it will become very awkward.

For example, the meme I got yesterday from a friend. It is a "Name 4 things" meme with seven questions. One is "Where would you rather be right now?" and another is "Four places I go over and over." Well, for the first, I would put Italy and India and then "in my hot tub giving birth" and then "in a hospital or birth center giving birth" because that is really the only place I would rather be. Even India and Italy are lies because although I really want to visit both I do not want to until Bliss is a bit older and will truly cognitively remember the places. This is a friend who vaguely knows I am ttc another but I rarely ever see and does not know the gritty details. And on the other question. Well Grocery store, Hardware store, fertility clinic, and Target would sum that question up. Now my answers would cause the pity email to be written and then possibly some very sweet very misguided advice would be offered and then we all know how I would feel. So I cannot do the meme. The thing with the email one is this friend does not email often and this feels like possibly she is reaching out so now I have to find a way to answer back without divulging all, but I cannot do fluff answers, it is just not me.

So that is a small easy example of why I do not do them. Online though, I would get way more explicit with info about me and it would just not be good. I can also NEVER play that drinking game "I've never" because almost always, I have. Now don't get me wrong, I am pretty far removed from college drinking games these days, as so easily shown in a very recent post, but you get the picture.

So that pretty much sums up why I do not do meme's. And I feel just awful when I was tagged and I did not comply, so please, just skip me when tagging and know I am truly sorry but am just not capable of doing it without problems arising.

party...

I went to bed with Bliss last night. Early. I got 2 wrong phone calls last night, after I had gone to bed. The first happened right after we snuggled in which was fine, the second happened a little over an hour after I was asleep and was so irritating because it took me an hour to fall back asleep. The good news is my head was quiet and I had no pre-sleep drinks. lol I am not much of a drinker anyways but that hangover was enough to ensure it will be a long while until I imbibe again.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Music or radio tends to keep us awake no matter how soothing. Sometimes Bliss requests it. His favorite music is Sade and we have "our song" which I love but he tends to stay awake wanting to hear it.

Going to sleep with him is really the best answer because snuggling up next to him and my mind is calm. I just sometimes have stuff to do or a show I want to catch that is not something I want him seeing.

Anyhow I feel so much better today after good sleep.

Today is the big primaries and also the day Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium comes out on DVD. We got a copy this morning and are planning a noon time popcorn party while watching it.

sleep...

I have been doing OK. I am still bleeding but it is down to a trickle now. Not much in the way of clots but two days ago I swear I passed a marble. Strangest thing, it was so round and hard. It didn't seem to be anything but clot but who knows.

Emotionally I am OK with tears on and off and anger peeking in every so often. I AM, however, doing that 'depression-staying up late thing.' I am sure many of you know it well. It is where you stay up flipping through channels on the TV and watching all sorts of crap shows all trying to keep your head from talking too much. I have always been the type who has the hardest time when I lay down to sleep, that is my loudest "head" time. So I have been up until 12 or 1 many days in a row. The thing is that is still getting 6 hours of sleep, which is a lot compared to my younger days, but I have been dying in the mornings lately. Yesterday my whole body ached, my legs and arms and back and neck, I was just so tired. Roomie told me to take a nap at like 9:30 or so. I agreed as I was just in so much pain. I woke up at 1:30!!!!!!! I was so shocked.

So last night I decide I have got to get to bed at a decent hour. So in the early evening I decide I will make a cocktail before bed and try that. Well, we had no Tequila or Vodka so roomie ran out to get some. I made a nice margarita before bed after Bliss was fast asleep. I sipped it (such a pathetic drinker these days) until it was gone, and it was large. I went to bed by 10:30 which was good. I woke up in hell. Oh people I have not had a hangover in a long time. I only had one drink. I am thinking it is likely I had a hangover because of the Metformin I am still on, but ouch. Head in vice around eyebrows not a fun way to wake up.

So tonight I am planning on just going to sleep with Bliss when he does. I will get through this, it is just a slow process.

bits and pieces...

I am doing better. Yesterday after I got home things were ok for a few hours, then the bleeding stopped again and I got very sick to my stomach. I have had morning sickness stuff for the first time this past week, real nice. Anyhow, in the evening I took a shower and upon checking found I had yet another piece stuck in my cervix. I was irked to say the least. The good news is I was able to pull it out around 11:30pm so I was very happy about that. It was a definite sac too.

Today I have been bleeding and cramping like AF cramps and passing clots so I would say things are pretty normal finally.

On a light note, when we were leaving the RE's yesterday Bliss announces "let's get the hell out of here." I know not where he got this as I am a big "heck" user and not so much a hell user. I say shit often, just not hell. Anyhow I laughed and immediately stopped myself and told him heck was a much better choice, but I think his timing was righteous.

I got a list together of all my meds for my next cycle. I will likely be having my next IVF in April and doc agreed. I am pretty good for most meds except, of course stims. I am putting out the call now, if anyone has extra Follistim or Gonal F let me know. I am clickable if you do not want to put it in comments. Any and all much appreciated.

Emotionally I am doing better, or at least trying not to dwell. I have been trying to avoid serious shows etc. The night before last, after all the labor and I was finally done I turned on "According to Jim" to watch a quick something light to wind down and go to sleep. The show ended with Cheryl telling Jim she is pregnant again, and the final final scene was an oh by the way I just found out it's twins. WTF I cannot catch a break sometimes. I turned off the TV sobbing. I can chuckle now but sheesh.

I want to end this blip writing post by saying you all have been so AMAZING in your comments. I do not know if I can truly convey how much difference it has made. IT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD TO ME!!!!!!! I truly have been able to get through this with the strength of all you stranger-sister-friends out there hearing my pain, understanding my pain, and sending me all your love and light.

Thank you.

it begins... (updated)

I started bleeding today and after about 3 hours of passing lots of clots and tons of blood I went into labor. I had awful contractions that got as close as every 2 minutes and then slowed to about every 5. Labor lasted for 5 hours with the first two spent screaming, and that was on Vicodin. I have not passed the babies yet that I can tell, but at least things have eased up. I am hoping to get some sleep before round two starts.

UPDATE: Last night when the contractions stopped I had a clot stuck hanging out of my cervix. I tried bearing down to no avail so I assumed it would pass overnight. Today it had still not passed and I barely bled all night since it was stopping me up. I let the doc know and they called me back and said they wanted me to come in to take the piece out. They were concerned. I went in this morning and he removed the piece from my cervix. He then used round tip forceps to reach inside my cervix and remove another large clot (they were kind and saved all tissue for me). After that came out I began flowing blood again. The pressure also stopped which had begun to cause pain this morning. He next did an ultrasound and said he felt the worst was over and likely the babies had passed (I still have some saved stuff from last night that was questionable). He said I would likely bleed and pass some more clots but not for too much longer as my lining looked good and pretty thinned. I have a lab slip for an HCG next week and as soon as it is to zero I will begin my cycle for the next IVF. I have to take an inventory of what drugs I have so he can tailor my protocol to make me have to purchase the least amount possible.

I do feel better since getting home from there. I am bleeding and passing clots still but I feel so much less pressure and tightness.

pain...

I am not sleeping much. I have been having just awful nightmares. Most about or related to my biological family who disowned me over 10 years ago. I am bitter and angry but really I just am mourning the family I wish I had, the support I wish I had, the unconditional love I wish I had. It's one of the reasons I am trying so desperately to have more children, to give Bliss family, family who will be there when I am gone, family who knows the value of unconditional love.

I didn't have many people to tell this time, thank Goddess. I called everyone on the way home from the clinic on Thursday, in tears. I spoke with a best friend and a cousin I am in contact with (she has been through 2 m/c's) and later got a hold of another. I also left messages for four others. My cousin also told my aunt who I have a relationship with.

The next day my cousin called, asked how I was, and then said she called to ask some info on an Ikea unit I owned. I was so floored. I wasn't even given 24 hours. She said it must be the hardest to be waiting with them dead inside me. I said I was fine, answered her questions and hung up.

My aunt has never called, in fact no one has called me at all of any of the messages I left. I get people do not know what to say, but it hurts, it is like adding more layers of pain to an already endless pit of it. There are hours where I just sit and hit refresh over and over waiting for a new comment because it is literally my only means of support, my only means of feeling held through this.

I have no family. I have a roomie/best friend who is great but is not the kind of friendship to hold me all night as I ball. That is ok, she is fantastic and wonderful with Bliss and it is simply who she is. She is hurting a ton over this and helps me immensely. I just wish I had a mother, or a friend who could. Bliss makes it all better in so many ways but it is not his responsibility to be all that for me. I cry some in front of him, but I do a lot after he is asleep.

I have not had even a tinge of a spot. I have always had the cervix of steel and thus far it is not budging. I am in pain though. I spent the past two days feeling body aches and kidney pain and now this morning I have uterine cramps, more like a pulled muscle than period cramps but they are constant.

I read on a board someone speaking about how they had felt their body failed them in not getting pregnant for so long, and then not keeping the baby, and that they were waiting to miscarry naturally in part to help restore some faith in their body, that it could at least do this right. I identified with it a lot, but now feel as if I may not even be able to do this correctly.

I am sure it sound sick but a part of me doesn't want to let my babies go, let them out of my body, and I am sure that is affecting this process. They are MY babies, and the idea of letting them go makes it all more final, more a reality that my dream is over, that I am back where I was over 2 years ago trying to have another baby.

And what the fuck is up with February??? I conceived Bliss in February, and have had 2 of my 3 miscarriages in February. I am rather torn but no one can say this isn't the month of love, love lost and love found for sure.

I have had some of the anger come up, in between tears and numbness. The stages are so predictable but no less painful.

So I am waiting, in pain, every kind of pain, and hoping it will and won't end soon.

p.s. just got call from new tests with old lab and my numbers are all fine, antibodies way down and thyroglobulin undetectible which is good and explains nothing as to this loss

tonight...

the tears have finally arrived

it hurts so deeply and i am just trying to breathe and let it wash through me over and over as long as it takes

i have been through this before, twice before, i know the process

i hate that i know the process

i got a very long very thorough letter from my doc tonight. he is such a wonderful man and he answered much i was questioning. i wrote back with some more but am now ok with having this happen naturally.

i will also likely take blue and black cohosh to aid in the passing of my babies

the last time i had a natural m/c i saved the baby and later buried it, i have the soil from the place in a pretty jar on my alter

i don't want to do that but know i likely will again as letting them pass down a drain is so wrong to me

i want so much to grasp at some reason for this that will make sense, that i can rectify, that i can make never happen again

i hate that i have to go through this process of pain, of suffering in my core, to get to the other side but i know i have to so i can start again and try again

so i am crying, deep painful crying all night long

shit...

First to answer some questions and then some stuff.

I am not RH negative, nor is the donor. My mother was so I have always known I was not.

I took Dexamethasone until almost a week after transfer. I will ask about taking it longer but when I got my positive beta and asked he said he didn't think it necessary. I am sure he will allow me to stay on it if and when I get pregnant again.

My doc isn't very pro D&C and usually does either natural or uses Cytotec to cause cervical dilation and allow the embryos to pass. I am waiting up to a week and then will consider the Cytotec. I tend to have a cervix of steel when it is closed.

I have been tested for NK's and APA's and all that. I have some APA's but no NK's.

I will be doing another fresh IVF as soon as my HCG is at zero. I will go through this hell until I have a baby, I just have to find a better way to live my life on hold than I have been of late, Bliss deserves more.

I do not think IVIG would be useful but will be asking about it. I have no idea how I would ever pay for it though.

I really really wanted twins, so much so it surprised me.

I am currently typing and drinking coffee.

I take Selenium every day and have since my last thyroid surgery (it is supposed to help clear antibodies from your system).

I take high Folic Acid with High B6 every day for auto-immune issues.

I take low dose aspirin daily.

I am pretty numb. I go through crying jags, but for the most part I am numb with bitter simmering below the surface. So far I am doing fairly well at not listening to my head say shitty things to me.

The antibodies will likely come back fine, although I think it was something I almost wanted to grab on to as something to blame.

I asked the doctor if testing the embryo's would yield us helpful info if they were tested, and if it can be covered on my insurance. I would have a D&C if this is the case and my doc thinks it is a good idea, especially because twins would give even more info.

I am waiting to hear back about the testing stuff now.

7w6d... (updated)

I lost the babies.
Both stopped growing last week.
Now I wait to miscarry for the third and fourth time.

UPDATE: So the first thing upon getting home is I get the mail. How perfect that the very very first bill I have ever gotten from my clinic was in the mail, and it was for the IVF in December. It is just the timing of it that was frustrating.

Next after I was home for about 15-20 minutes I get a call from my Endocrinologist. I had gone to get my thyroid levels checked a couple weeks ago to make sure all was ok for the pregnancy. The TSH T3 and T4 were all ok, the T4 came back just above the limits, but nothing to worry about. My Endo suggested lowering my meds a tiny bit once a week. My Thyroglobulin levels and antibodies were both not back yet. Fast forward to last week and they were still not back, no biggie. If you want my total history with thyroid cancer and then Hashimoto's Disease read THIS post.
So the docs nurse tells me the Thyroglobulin came back pretty ok but that my antibodies were at 661. The doc wanted to possibly schedule an ultrasound to check for left over tissue or a possible new nodule to make sure nothing could interfere with this pregnancy. I informed the nurse I had lost the pregnancy, she asked when, and I said I had found out about a half hour ago. She said she would have the doc call.
Here is the thing folks. I had gotten my antibodies to right around 200. I have had my entire thyroid removed, half at 19 and the other half 2 years ago when I had the severe Hashimoto's. How in the fuck can my antibodies triple in the past few months if I have no thyroid???????????? And now there is the huge question of if it caused this loss or not.
I also cannot fucking believe the timing of all of this. I am now numb, just numb. I took some junk food. I say "took" because I was either going to have a drink or have shit food. I wasn't even hungry.
The only good thing...it turns out I have not gained any weight.
So I am dumbfounded and confused. I am waiting for a call from my Endo and my RE.
Bliss said to me when I came crying out of the clinic "aww but we were soooo close!' He has been fine but wanting me near, but his usual wonderful funny self. A little while ago he asked if we were going to have a baby and I said not right now, that as I said before the babies didn't make it this pregnancy. I asked if he was ok and he said yes, I asked if he was sad and he said he was sad the babies didn't make it but otherwise he was fine. He is amazing and truly what gets me through all this.

ANOTHER UPDATE: The Endo just called and because it is a different lab that uses a different assay we have no way of knowing what has really happened so now I have to go back to my old lab and have the tests done again, which is not my lab now but should be covered as an out of network lab. ARRRRGGGHHH

the hat on the right...

The hat was made out of 100% cotton. It fit him as a baby and yet would fit my HUGE head as well which is why I know it was crocheted. The color scheme was very special to me. I have spent literally hundreds of hours searching for one like it online to no avail.

I decided to put it on the blog in case anyone ran across one.

HERE is a link to when I wrote about it before and a bigger picture.

the wait...

I am doing pretty well considering. This weekend seems to be dragging by so slowly though. I really am confused as to why I have so fews symptoms. I feel my uterus a lot yes, and my breasts are huge and tender, but not a lot. I also get breathless but besides those things, nothing. I am on a high B-complex and have been for eons because of my antibodies. It could be helping me not feel queasy but it sure doesn't do much for security to feel so little.

I talk to my belly a lot and have been doing my best to meditate but sometimes when I get real worried the best I can manage is playing computer solitaire (it calms me).

You know that saying that if it seems to good to be true it usually is? That is where some fear is stemming from right now. This all just seems too good to be true.

My doc has been great. He emails me encouragement notes which is so awesome. I am so fortunate to have found this clinic, they really are so special.

Anyhoo, that is where my heads at, more later.

ultrasound at 6w6d...

I am finally home from the u/s.

There were 2 heartbeats.

They are measuring 6w3d each.

I am 6w6d.

The heart rates are a little slow but consistent for 6w3d.

He said this can be because of it being twins but we will have to wait and see.

I go back in 7 days and that should really tell us if things are progressing as they should.

So more waiting.

There has been growth from last week which is great, and there are beating little hearts.

I am doing my best to remain very positive.

I am not going to lie though, I wish today had been more...I don't know...conclusive. I realize that just isn't a possibility right now but I still wish it.

FYI last years m/c I was measuring 5 days behind at the first u/s, then at the next u/s 2 weeks later the baby was gone. The baby had died 3 days after the previous u/s. That is one reason I am so nervous. I have read twins can run a bit behind and the fact that both are measuring the same is a good sign from what doc says. I just get scared. Today is the first day I feel like I can say I am pregnant with twins, and that is to myself.

I have loved and hated all of the comments of late. I love all the support, but I gotta say everyone saying congrats on twins when I had only seen two yolk sacs was making me crazy. I do NOT want people to think they cannot congratulate me, it has just scared the snot out of me.

Also, as for attachment, I am already oh so very very much attached to both. It is so terrifying knowing each time I go in my world could come crashing down, or my dreams could come true. No one can "relax" through that. I am doing pretty well. I still think I should "feel" more pregnant but I am OK.

Thanks again to everyone.

ultrasound at 6w0d....

The doctor's office called to say I could come in earlier.

I asked his wife to hold my hand and was crying the whole time.

There are 2 sacs. TWO! Neither are empty and they both have "light" in them and yolk sacs.

My RE was very happy (as was his wife) and feels really good about what he saw.

My next appointment is Valentine's Day for another ultrasound. He says we should see heartbeats then.

I would love love love love twins so much, but this also makes me feel good because the odds of having one take home baby go up. I hope that sounds right or ya'll know what I mean.

So now I breathe a little easier and hope for the best 6 days from now.

Thanks to everyone for all the support, for really getting it, it means so much. It makes it so I don't have to lose my mind in the midst of all the fear and pain.

Thank you.

22dp5dt...(updated)

My latest beta is 4389.

It is slower than normal according to one place and within range at another.

I am just pretty confused right now.

The doc wants me in for an u/s tomorrow at 1pm.

So more waiting.

Any insight welcome.

UPDATE:
I wanted to take a second to say I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, and I am, pregnant, as I type this. The hard part, for me, is that this is what I want so desperately, deeply, soul wrenchingly much that it takes my breath away, and it is not going according to "best stats."
Does that mean it is doomed, absolutely not, but it makes it hard to just be thrilled. Many of you, unfortunately, know that when you have experienced pregnancy loss, on any level, you never have much comfort and ease during subsequent pregnancies if you are lucky enough to have one. I know this, I know that even with great numbers you can have loss, I had that last year this week. I just get so afraid of feeling that pain again.
For me every time I go to the dentist and I need a shot in my mouth I cry, no matter what the dentist does or how great he or she is, I cry. It never gets better. I know I can deal with it but it is still awful for me. Mel mentioned something like this with shots in general. I am lucky I have no trouble with any other shots, just ones in my mouth.
I have been through 2 pregnancy losses. I lived through them. I had an amazing child in between them. I know if the worst happens I will live but I am so afraid of that pain again. I just don't want it. I do my best to stay positive, but I am really afraid here folks.
I wish I weren't. I wish my head would shut up. I read my Buddhism books nightly to try and find a way to meditate right now. I talk to my belly. I visualize. But my head loves to tell me I am too fat to stay pregnant. Or it is doomed because I need it too much or want it too much. Last night in tears my roomie got an earful of me questioning why I don't feel I am enough for Bliss. I KNOW all of that is bullshit. I am well acquainted with the bullshit brigade that occupies space in my head. I just wish I didn't have to battle them off and tell them to shhh every 5 minutes because frankly they do not make this any easier.
So I just wanted to be clear. I am aware I am pregnant, and very thrilled, but presently in a lot of painful fear.
But I am trying, really I am.

limbo...

I first want to again thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement. It really makes it bearable, I am not kidding, I do not think I could deal with all of this without all the support here.

I have never done well with limbo. I have ended relationships rather than be in limbo in the past. It has always been really hard on me.

I put a call in to my doc yesterday. The fact that a nurse relayed the info and the fact that my doc has never been anything but terrific made me want to speak directly to him. He called me at 7pm last night and I missed it but he left a message saying he would call back or to page him because we would definitely speak that evening (see, he is really great.) SO he called back and we talked and I asked about the 48 vs. 72 hour thing. He said that in his experience the best results came from doublings in 48 hours. He also said he had seen many exceptions. He told me stories of women who had awful numbers and had not doubled even in 72 hours who had fine pregnancies.

He was warm and comforting and let me know he was right there with me in this and we would just keep moving forward. I will get the beta tomorrow and if it is still rising ok then he said he would see about fitting me in for an earlier ultrasound to see that the sac was filled, not expecting to see a heartbeat, but just seeing if things look ok. He agreed with me that basically we just don't know shit yet and I need to just try and relax and get through the next few days.

I also went to acupuncture yesterday. She said I was frustrated the minute she saw me. It helped me relax some. I also read a good book and took it easy all day. I am crampy gassy today and a bit uncomfortable but all in all doing ok.

I had a long talk with Bliss as well letting him know what was up and that I get another test tomorrow and I told him if the baby didn't keep growing well that it would be sad but we would try again. He agreed and said he was ok with all that and to just let him know how things are. He still insists on going to any u/s with me. I know this is because the last one he was at was the dead baby one last year. We talk about it though and he seems really ok. He is such an amazing being.

SO I am resting today and reading blogs and rooting on all who are dealing with this and other crap. I am dealing with the limbo, it just really sucks.

20dp5dt...

I just got my beta back for today.

2853

The doc is not happy with this and is sending me back in 2 days for another.
I am so tired of this shit.
And of course the Beta Base is down.
My progesterone is also only 17, which is so on par for me at 5-6 weeks but I am on a shot and a supp. so it should hold but still.

Back to waiting, and stressing, and trying not to.

the good, the bad, and the ugly...

The good:

My boobs finally hurt, a lot. Yay!
I am peeing more.
The veins are showing more in my breasts.
I have felt a few tiny little waves of queasiness.
I have taken a couple naps during the day.
The next beta is in 2.5 days.
The u/s is 12 days away.

The bad:

I am still very worried and fearful.
I have been up til midnight with a loud mind often.
For every blog that gives me hope 3 others trash it.
The u/s is 12 days away.

The ugly:

I am back at my highest weight ever.
I weigh more than the day I gave birth to Bliss.
The u/s is 12 days away.