show and tell...

Amy over at Milk in the Batter shared this video with me that she got from Emily the Hopeless who got it from Dagny at Who is John Galt? and I felt it just HAS to be viewed my everyone.

It is so amazing and well done/written/expressed. It is also intense and emotional, but so is infertility.

So I present to you for Show and Tell, EMPTY ARMS from the Infertility Awareness Project.

tricks and treats...

HAPPY SAMHAIN!!!!!!!







1 Reese's small peanut butter egg from Easter
1 normal size Reese's peanut butter cup
2 Brach's caramels
2 Smarties (pieces, not rolls)
1/2 of a plain caramel apple
2 bites of carrot cake
slushy lemonade

That was the extent of my sweets intake yesterday. That should very much tell you how much I am NOT into sweets while pregnant, seriously.

We had a good time trick-or-treating at a local downtown that has a great event. Bliss also decided how many treats he wanted and then was done, it was strange but happy for me as I was BOILING in that suit. I am also mortified it was snug on me as it is a blow up suit, but kids still freaked at it and bliss loved that so all was worth it.

It rained the night before, FINALLY, and rained a little in the day but was clear when we went trick-or-treating. Then in the evening when we set up to hand out candy, which Bliss loves to do, it began raining again. I was handing out huge handfuls of candy per person just hoping to run out and the rain kept getting stronger and people stopped coming. Sadly I still have lots left but I will pass it out to the mail people and any delivery drivers that stop by over the coming week.

I also keep forgetting to mention my 3 hour GD test and now seems appropriate.

My fasting level was 90 (65-99 range)
My 1 hour level was 211 (65-199 range) high
My 2 hour level was 115 (65-139 range)
My 3 hour level was 66 (65-109 range)

The docs say it is not a clear pass, which I disagree with but whatever. They say I need to watch it, which I have been, and that I must retest at 24 weeks. We shall see, that will be around moving time so I am not sure but I am trying to be careful of what I eat.

Speaking of eating, my new thing, besides soups which are still doing me well, is 4 P's. I take some potato salad I got at the store, add cut up pickles, and pepperocini's and potato chips on the side. It was only a small thing of potato salad thank goodness. I am not even usually a big potato chip person. So aside from that I have been trying to really watch what I eat and keep the carbs down. I have not thrown up in almost a week but still have close calls.

sad...(UPDATED)

I had been doing better, way better.

I have been able to drink plain water again, THIS IS HUGE!!!!!

I was finally feeling like things were getting good.

Then...

I am suddenly not really feeling the baby move.

It moved places, and I know that could account for it, but it is really dragging me down

I used to feel it all day long in the bottom left area of my abdomen.

Then it felt like it moved a bit more center and now I am staying up late trying to feel it.

I am eating some sweet thing to try and feel it.

I am actually depressed right now.

I want, no I need to feel it move. It was what got me through day to day.

I am trying to tell myself it is just a different area that is harder to feel.

I am trying to tell myself to have faith and believe.

I am just covered with this film of sadness.

My next appointment was moved up because of my upcoming trip to the 6th of Nov.

It is still far to far away.


UPDATE:
I called the doc and could not stop crying. They fit me in today to ease my mind. All is well and the baby has in fact moved center, and right behind a HUGE placenta. I am beyond relieved. The doc I saw today kept saying hoe long the baby's legs were too, she said "wow they are so long they won't fit in the screen at the resolution" which I thought was funny.

As for the doppler, because I was already feeling the baby I felt it was not needed, now I may, I just hate the expense when things are so crazy right now. I still have my next appointment on the 6th so i should be good until then.

Thanks so much for all the support.

lots of plans...

I have been doing a lot better. The dexamethasone has actually made a big difference. I do not want to be on it much longer, however, as it is a class c and I want to be done with the extra pills.
I went two days without throwing up which was fantastic. I threw up this morning but I think it was my fault for having waffle and milk.

A LOT had happened in the past week, a shocking lot of life altering things.

For reasons both financial and otherwise it suddenly became clear to us that the move to Canada should be moved forward. With that new and terrifying info roomie retired this past week. We have been scrambling to come to terms with the new plan, both exciting and scary.

I am flying up to New Brunswick with Bliss on the 10th of next month to look at properties. I have been frantically contacting reactors. I have been trying to secure arrangements with the mover we previously choose.

This changes things a lot and our new goal of moving up there in January also means a winter move, not easy.

Packing an entire house while pregnant, really not fun and interestingly enough done before when 7 months pregnant with Bliss.

I have no interest in doing some things we really need to do. I hate organizing and having garage sales, hate hate hate. I have little interest in packing my garage and most of it's contents are my stuff.

I am really hoping to feel well for the trip and rather nervous.

But at the same time I know it is all very exciting and a great thing. It is interesting how it mirrors the pregnancy. I am so thrilled I am pregnant but cannot quite get the joy up for it quite yet as I am not feeling great. So I tell myself often how awesome it all is and plug along.

...

I have been having a rough time.

I am tired of writing about it.

I have spent a good chunk of time feeling sorry for myself.

That irritates me as well.

The Reglan has not helped either except before bed, otherwise I think it has made it worse.

I went back on Dexamethasone today because the vomiting started 48 hours after I stopped it and they said maybe it was keeping me from throwing up all first trimester and now without it I am.

I am not sure but we shall see.

I had a couple hours today of feeling really good.

Now as night came I have felt more and more yucky.

Part of me wants to write and write and write all my boo-hooing down just to try and get it all out but the other part is just tired of it.

I want so desperately to enjoy this pregnancy.

I am sorry if I am not commenting as much as usual.

I am sorry Mel my emails have been late getting back to you.

I am sorry I am whining so much when I have everything I have wanted for so long while so many of you are still painfully trying.

great video... (updated)

UPDATE: The embedding was disabled on YouTube so here is the LINK.

another day...

Talked to OB's office yesterday. They called in an Rx for Zofran sublingual for me.

Apparently Zofran does NOT work for me, AT ALL.

new developments...

So now that I am finally feeling more secure and less afraid guess what happens???

I have started throwing up. 13 weeks and a few days and I am now throwing up, and it is violent. My upper chest muscles are completely pulled and it is yucky. My eyeballs have somehow been strained as well and hurt, I do not even know how but they are sore since my last episode this morning.

I did look back at a pregnancy journal I wrote while pregnant with Bliss and apparently the first time I threw up then was in my 13th week also. I do not remember that at all. But ugh this is not real fun.

And it isn't only when I have food in my tummy. The other night in the shower I dry heaved 20 times before even bringing up bile. Good times!!

And speaking of the shower, I had to go out and track down a shower filter because the smell of the chlorine in the water has been causing some severe gagging. It finally arrived last night but I have not yet had a chance to try it out.

Poor Bliss was so scared the first time he saw me run to the bathroom and heard me throwing up. I came back in our room to find him in the corner looking terrified. I told him I was ok and we talked about it and by now he just tells me how sorry he is I was sick after it happens. So I am glad he is no longer traumatized by it poor lil guy.

Aside from this I am doing well. Still feeling the lil one at times through the day which just makes all the difference in the world.

wahoooooooooooo...

OK so the good news then the bad then the AWESOME.

The good news is the baby is doing great and looks fantastic, like a dancing lil perfect thing.

The bad news is I failed the 1 hour GTTS. I got 152 and needed to be under 135. I now have to do a 3 hour test. UGH!!!

The AWESOME news, if you can believe it, is I am actually feeling the baby move. Today when I went to my appointment I asked that she try the area I was feeling the past 48 hours and she did an abdominal u/s and started there, lower left, and the baby was right there. Then after a few seconds the baby did a body wave and I TOTALLY felt it. She was so excited I could feel it. Then another move I didn't feel but the next body wave I totally felt again, and I have been feeling them the past 48 hours. 13 weeks is WAY earlier than I could have hoped to feel but like with so much about this pregnancy, the early heartburn and nose issues, the many women who took part in making it all possible, and other things, I really feel like the Goddess is giving me these gifts to help me not lose my mind.

So yeah, I am over the moon. The GD stuff is a pain but I am not freaking about it yet.

Thanks again to everyone who has sent me so much support when my mind has been being such a bitch to me.

MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks

my head...

I feel better.
Uh oh, maybe things have stopped, you have m/c'd and don't even know it.
My boobs don't hurt so much.
It is second trimester that could be normal.
I feel less queasy, way less.
Again second trimester and you also stopped Metformin and most the progesterone.
Who are you kidding, you spent yesterday queasy as hell and gagging all day.
Yes but before that you DID feel way way better.
Yeah, speaking of Metformin, stopping that could cause a m/c.
I still have to get up to pee during the night.
Yes, but less and with less urgency.
You were able to eat caramel today when sweets have been awful for you during pregnancy.
Yes but caramel has always been the only sweet you could handle pregnant and it was either with a tart apple or salty popcorn.
You have been able to handle sips of plain water.
Yes sips but still preferring lemon water or plain iced tea with lemon.
Smells have not been as awful.
Are you kidding me, you now think your dog smells like chicken noodle soup and your bed has a weird smell.
I haven't felt "as pregnant" as I was.
Again you stopped or drastically cut down a ton of hormones you were taking.
The baby looked great last time.
Yes but it was 11w3d not technically second trimester so things could have turned to shit.
You have an appointment on Tuesday.
Yes but with an NP who last time I saw her was the first one to see dead baby number two.
You are making a good memory with her.
But what if it turns out to be another bad one.
You have been feeling confident.
Yeah, how dumb can I be, it's like I am asking for it.
You are still having strange dreams.
Well even if the baby dies I still have tons of HCG floating around.
You still have a little bit of blood every time you blow your nose.
Again, you still have lots of hormone in ya no matter what the status.
I want this too much, too too much and that is always asking for it.
You wanted Bliss more than air and look at him now.
Yes, but maybe that was all I should ever ask for, I got my dream, asking for more is asking for it.
Oh Goddess I wish you would shut up.
Yeah, me too.

advice sought...

I am looking for info/support. My RE told me to stop the heparin along with the other stuff at 12 weeks. He said if I wanted I could continue the heparin through the second trimester but it was not needed. He also ran many tests first to ease my mind.

I tested fine for the following tests.

Anticardiolipin Ab IgG Qn
Anticardiolipin Ab IgM Qn
Factor V Leiden Mutation
Protein S-Functional
Hemocyst(e)ine Plasma
Antithrombin Activity
Factor II Activity
Protein C-Functional

I am on High Folic Acid and high B-complex along with baby aspirin as well. I do not plan on stopping those.

So what I am looking for is anyone with experience stopping first trimester who tested negative, or even someone who stopped who didn't. I am only really nervous about stopping the Heparin. I have already stopped the estrogen and metformin and am tapering off the progesterone. I also stop the doxy this weekend.

I have no reason to be nervous about the heparin, and I am finishing what I have which is another 2 weeks worth, but I COULD refill for longer if I wanted.

So please, talk to me.

wtf...

So remember the neighbor who told me she was pregnant and was so excited because she knew how excited I would be since I have been trying so long??

Well as I mentioned I told two neighbors. One being her mother who lives with her, she was out. Her mother is a sweet woman I really like. But. Her first comment after I told her?? She asked me if I was on a diet????? It is still bothering me. And did said pregnant neighbor or her husband say congrats anytime since I told her mother?

No.

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

Trying to end on a positive note I will say the other neighbor did me a favor and did my weed eating for me because of me being pregnant.

12 weeks...

10 weeks ago today I had my retrieval that led to this pregnancy.

Today I am officially (developmentally) in the second trimester.

I spent this morning having a 1 hour GTTS. I had the tropical punch which was not bad, like too sweet Koolaid.

I took my last Metformin last night. I get to stop the estrogen patches also.

I will take PIO a couple weeks more but do not have to.

I am allowed to stop the Heparin but am still afraid to (will post more about this soon).

I have actually bought maternity clothes (ONLY because I literally had only one skirt that fit, nothing else AT ALL).

My next appointment is the 14th.

I have very strange dreams while pregnant.

I have actually told some"chosen family" friends and my neighbors. ACK!

I put a ticker on my iGoogle page and even that seems too much.

I am so very grateful to be here.

need to bitch...

It has been over three and a half months since it has rained here. There may have been a night it sprinkled across town but seriously, three and a half months. Have I mentioned how much I love rain. It is the closest I get to having actual weather and it makes me feel renewed and lovely. I love walking in it, I love driving in it, I love listening to it.

I need rain.

So imagine my excitement when it said we were expecting a day and a half of rain that was to start last night.

Oh yes, we got something, but do not dare call it rain. It spit, and it seemed every time I ran outside to feel said spit it stopped. Overnight, long after I was asleep it may have even gotten up to a sprinkle because this morning the ground looked wet, not fully soaked but wet.

It was supposed to rain all day today. HA! It has not so much as dropped a drop.

I am pissed and feel cheated. And of course tomorrow it is expected to be sunny and in the upper 80's again.

UGH

I need to work on a rain dance or something because I am sorely in need of actual weather. I cannot wait to move, I am so over this never ending heat and dryness.

OK thanks for listening, bitch over.

for all the amazing women who made this possible....

I wanted to take a moment to again say THANK YOU to all the amazing women who helped me make this possible. All of your contributions meant the world of difference and brought me to where I am today.

Last night I had the awesome honor of passing it forward and passing on all the extra meds I still have to another amazing women from our midst. It felt to good to hand over the rest of those magical meds and pass on some of the magic I had the privilege of experiencing myself.

So thank you, so very much, for allowing me the gift of receiving and the gift of giving.

11w3d...

So I called to schedule my OBGYN appointment. I have an amazing OBGYN doc as well. Sadly one of our last visits was when we discovered my m/c about 2.5 years ago. It was also after we had seen a heartbeat and Bliss was in the room and saw it all and it was pretty awful.

So she is scheduled to go on vacation next week for the rest of the month and I sort of needed to see her before she gets back so they scheduled me for today. Well they told me she was full up and I politely asked that they say who it was and that I was 1 weeks pregnant and she fit me in. Again because she is awesome.

So I was a little nervous, but only because of memories, not truly for any other reason. She said "let's make a good memory" and I concurred. She did the u/s and I waited without looking and I thought I saw her smile a little but she was heavily concentrating. I asked if she saw a heartbeat and she was like "oh yes it looks good I am just having trouble getting the right view" and we know my uterus has been wonky this pregnancy. So anyhow she says all is good and turns the screen as she gets a good view and starts to take measurements. The u/s machine, while a normal office one, not a level II or anything, was a brand new one they just got and it was SUCH a clearer view from the clinic. And then I see the baby and the difference of just three days blew my mind!!!!!

The baby was dancing, non stop moving, kicking it's hands and legs, pulling it's hand to it's face. It was soooo amazing. It measured, easily, 11w5d which rocks in my book and it was the most wiggly thing. I had Bliss come over to see and he said "yeah I see, now can you fix this game on your phone mama?" Oh well!!!

So we talked and I have decided no first trimester screening, I would never have an amnio or a CVS so it is something she thinks is just not worth it. She does want me to have a 20 week anatomy scan and I said ok so long as the tech can be instructed to purposefully avoid detecting gender, she said who she works with can and has done that. She is also having me do an early Glucose Tolerance test since my weight is so high. That's fine. I am also to take daily bp measurements and keep a log, my bp was a bit elevated today but she said it was also likely due to nerves from being there again.

So all in all a very good visit and an unexpected surprise this early on.

Here is another pic of the lil one.

11w0d...

I AM PREGNANT!!!

I am sure this sounds strange to hear at 11 weeks but it is how I feel.



I had the ultrasound today and all was well.


The baby was moving even with arms and legs.


I graduated from my clinic as well and everyone gathered around with lots and lots of hugs and a gift bag with 2 adorable onesies and 2 sets of infant hand covers, a teething necklace, a wrist rattle, a baby bottle (Bliss was given that to his delight) and a pretty baby development chart to fill in throughout the pregnancy. They were all so wonderful.


I feel like maybe I can start breathing now. Next week is the end of the first trimester and I also get to stop most the drugs I am on which I am hoping will help make me feel lots better.


Thanks so much for all the support from each and every one of you. Having people who "get it" makes such a huge difference.

ranting...

I have been having a hard time this week.
It is not the worry so much.
I have been feeling like crap pretty much all week.
I have not thrown up, even once so far.
I just feel queasy and sick.
The best way to describe it is as if I am carsick, all the time.
Not enough to throw up, just enough to feel really gross and not be able to function very well.
I even get that ball in my throat like I am about to but it never happens.
I sat crying the other night trying to decide if I should make myself throw up or not.
I have always hated throwing up, but the worst part for me is always the part before, where you feel it coming and fight it and are not sure it will happen.
I feel like I am permanently in that space.
I eat the wrong thing and it is multiplied by 100.
I eat the right thing but 2 bites too much and the same thing.
Then one night it is not so bad, but the heartburn comes in it's place.
And the sad thing is when I wake up, first thing in the morning, I usually have a short time of feeling great.
And I worry every time when I feel good.
Such a fucking catch-22 and so irritating.

But here is the thing.

I worked so hard, and so long to get here.
I have been wishing, praying, begging, meditation, hoping to be here for years and years and year.
Finally I am here and I just feel crappy and miserable.
And I don't want to.
And then I think about the possibility of something going wrong and having to work for who knows how long to get pregnant again, to feel like shit again.
It has seriously messed with my head.

Just another thing that makes me feel cheated.

I am honestly ok for the most part.
I just need to vent this out because I have felt like censoring myself about this.
That whole don't bitch thing.
And that is just not me, and when I hold ANYTHING in it is never a good thing.

So that's my rant.

autumn...

Tomorrow is the last day of summer and the first day of fall. The Autumnal Equinox happens here in California at about 3:22 tomorrow afternoon. I am very excited about this as I have been ready for fall since about June. This was our last summer in California and it was not too too hot but I have just really been ready for cooler weather.

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. I love making fall foods and I love anything harvest oriented. My favorite colors are fall colors, and I am so looking forward to some rain, any rain. I cannot even remember the last time we had any rain.

Tomorrow is also 10 weeks. I do not have any u/s scheduled until next week so I am trying to just keep breathing and staying positive and calm and get through. Tomorrow also marks another 2ww. I started one last week for the next u/s which is now a week away but tomorrow is the start of the 2ww until the end of the first trimester. I am focusing on getting to the u/s first though as that is all I really can deal with.

I am feeling appropriately crappy and good. I am going to post a picture of my best friend now, thanks to Mrs. Spock.



Lemons have saved my life. It is so sad too because at present in my local grocery store they are 89 cents a piece. But worth every penny. I am once again able to chug water so long as it has lemon in it. It has made me feel MUCH better for sure.

I am still having severe bloating problems starting in the afternoon. I am trying to really limit bread right now. I starting making bread this past two weeks for the first time ever, thanks again to inspiration from Mrs. Spock and Melissa, and quickly found it was adding immensely to the bloating so that is on hold until I can get off this damn Metformin.

I am in good spirits though and am taking Bliss to Bouncetown tomorrow, followed by a trip to the store to get Rice Krispy Treats ingredients as he asked if we could make them and I am more than happy to. I doubt I will have any but I am just loving cooking with him. I also made beef stew this past week. I just could not wait for cool weather and autumn to be here. It was sooo yummy. I am so ready to have rain and make the years first batch of Butternut Squash soup too.

So I am ok, just chugging along and trying not to think too much and trying to make it to a place where I feel some real hope and joy. I do think I am edging closer.

the next day...

I have had no spotting or even tinging today.

I am very happy and feel much better about that.

I have felt pretty crappy all day but I am also happy with that.

I feel like I do better in the mornings than the evenings but today it was kind of all day and after eating which sucked.

I am also having fluid issues. I have always loved water, it is honestly my favorite thing to drink of all time. I adore water. I have been drinking huge ice cold glasses of it all day long, at least a gallon a day, sometimes closer to 2. Suddenly a few days ago I could not drink water. I made some bubbly water with my soda maker and that was ok and I have been drinking that. Then that was icky yesterday. I tried lemonade but that was only good for about 2 sips. Milk had been great for me especially in mornings and evenings but that has suddenly been not ok because of the burps and making me sick when I burp milk. I made some iced decaf coffee and that was good for a bit, but not something I want more than a rarity. I drink the bubbly and small cups of plain throughout the day because I refuse not to drink water while pregnant but it is not very good.

I miss water, plain cold water. I want to be able to down 20 ounces in a sip. I know it will come back, and to be honest any symptom is a welcome one, but I still miss water.

9w1d... (updated)

I am having spotting.

It was light pink late yesterday. I assumed it was from the wanding.
It is a bit more today, brownish red now.


UPDATE:

It hasn't gotten worse. Mostly it seems gone or a light tinge. Doc says he thinks it really is the wanding because it was so hard to get a good view. He also gave me things to watch out for.
I am not totally freaking out or anything but I certainly wish I was not having this either.

I am taking it easy and trying to just be calm.

Thanks so much for all the support.

9w0d...

I just got back from my u/s. I was really freaked out the past 2 days so I couldn't even look. He found the hear beat right away and told me so I could relax but my heart rate was ridiculous.

The baby is measuring 8w6d which I am fine with. He had a hard time getting a good view again so I am more than OK with the measurement. The heart rate was 196 which has me a little freaked out but he said he wasn't worried. he said between my high heart rate and adrenaline it was likely cause and effect. He also said he only ever saw problems with low heart rates not high ones. I am still a little worried but my heart rate was way over 100.

Oh I almost forgot, I also asked if the baby should be moving. he said at this stage they usually move every 20 minutes or so, and then we saw it move. It moved again a few minutes later. The doc was really pleased with that and said it was a great sign that we got to see it move. It did this lil wiggle.

He also said that I could come back in 2 weeks for another u/s and if all was well THEN I would graduate. He knows me so well. I was so not ready to graduate today.

I am not sure how I will get through the next two weeks, but I will try. In the meantime he is allowing me to get a progesterone check and a thrombophilia panel. he wants me to stop the heparin after the first trimester but I want the panel to check things first. I have not been tested before so it will make me feel better. If something comes up I can always stay on it throughout the pregnancy.

After the next u/s it will only be a week until the second trimester which makes me happy. He also said Oct. 5 I could stop the Vivelle patches, the Metformin, and the PIO. Truthfully I am most looking forward to stopping the Metformin. I get awful bloating on it.

I still hate that I get no joy from the first trimester, I hate how RPL steals that from you. I need to come to terms with it but it is so hard.

proud mama... (updated)

I just had a super proud mama moment. Bliss and I were watching an old Tom and Jerry (I am still on the fence on many of these) and it was one where Jerry and Nibbles were Musketeers. Anyhow at the end Jerry puts Nibbles over his knee and spanks him and Bliss asked "why is Jerry raising and lowering his hand like that?" I said he was spanking Nibbles and it wasn't nice and before I could say any more he asked "what is spanking?" I first gave him a big kiss and then I explained it was not nice and it was hitting.

I very rarely went a day of my childhood without being spanked and often they turned into full out beatings. Especially if I didn't cry and cower enough for their liking. I am so very proud my child does not even know what spanking is, it makes me cry but the tears are happy tears because he is growing up unaware of something that was so very damaging to my psyche and soul and caused me so much pain emotionally for so many many years and so much self hate for so long.

I am just so proud my almost 6 year old does not know the meaning of that word in any way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like I need to add. Never spanking my child has never been hard for me. The idea of striking my child is horrendous and unfathomable to me in every way. Breaking the cycle of abuse was much more about stopping abusing myself as I had been than of not abusing my child. I am just so happy he doesn't even know the meaning of the word, that beyond never experiencing it first hand, he has never experienced it second or third hand either.

8w0d...

GOOD NEWS!!!!!

The docs wife came in just to see me for this u/s and everyone gathered. They were doing retrievals today so I had to wait an hour which NEVER happens there.

Doc was wanting good news as much as I was I swear. He saw the heartbeat right away and the embryo was much easier to get a good view of than last time.

He took a measurement and it was 8w1d!!!!!!!!! That is 9 days growth in 6 days!!!!! I was over the freaking moon!!! I had them go get Bliss who was playing in the truck with roomie and he came in and was overwhelmed too, he was so happy. He got to hear the heart beat too. The heart beat was 176 up from 131 last week. Doc said this is perfect for week 8 and it will go down a little week 9 and 10. Let me know if you know of that too because it is my only niggle of paranoia.

He took pics of the embryo and of the heart beating for me and everyone was outside the room to give big hugs after.

FINALLY some good news. Everyone was so pulling for us, for this.

I go back next Monday for another u/s but this is the furthest I have gotten besides Bliss with a pregnancy. All m/c's the embryo stopped growing in the 6th and 7th week so this is a huge relief.

I feel like I can breathe some for the first time in literally years. I am still a bit tentative but oh so much more relieved.

My nose continues to drive me crazy and my tummy feels yucky much of the second half of the day which I am thrilled about.

I will very shortly have not even one item of clothing that fits and all of it, I am thrilled.

Now I just need to work of more breathing, letting it sink in, and trying to remain calm and positive. I also need a nap.

cookies...

When I was pregnant with Bliss I was turned off of sweets pretty quickly into it. Chocolate especially but almost all sweets were a big turn off. If I tried a bite it was too rich, too sweet and tasted icky. Sometimes caramel was ok but rarely.

This pregnancy has been like that lately too. I can have a small amount of peach ice cream if it is with fresh peaches or nectarines to cut the sweetness. I can have a lil caramel capp ice cream, or even sometimes a decaf iced caramel macchiato, but I can only drink a little then I save it for the next day.

Bliss and I made chocolate chip cookies last week. I make em small and they last quite a while, and he loves them as does roomie and me normally. I had two the day we made them and none since. They are almost gone and Bliss can have 2 or 3 after lunch or dinner. They are about the size of a silver dollar. Anyhow today I gave him some with lunch and he ate two over a long time. One after lunch and one he saved for much later.

Well, can I please explain the quease the smell of these is causing me (yes I created that word). My son kisses me a lot, I kiss him a lot. Today at one point I was getting up to go pee and he asked for 189 kisses and I obliged, of course, before I could go. We are a kissy pair for sure. But, every time I kissed him after he ate the cookie I gagged.

I got him strawberries and orange and mini rice cakes for a late afternoon snack and still could smell the faint scent of the cookies.I told him about it and said he might have to eat them away from me tomorrow or the next day. He laughed and said ok. But oh my gosh, I came really close to tossing my cookies today.

Yay me. I will take that symptom and cheer!!!

two lost hours and the littlest pea...

Today is better.
Thanks so much for all the support, for all the understanding and validation.
As always, it really helps.
It is amazing the power of "being heard" has on one's psyche, on healing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now I want to take a moment to discuss 2 hours of my life I will never get back.

I have pretty much outlined what new shows I am interested in checking out this fall season. Thanks to Cali's great post with links to a great guide I went through it all and made my pics. I have been adding shows as they become available to my Tivo schedule (btw I ended up fixing my broken Tivo because that new system was so crap).

So I have my list and then J over at Cheese and Whine, who I happen to ADORE, writes the most random post. I am not sure why it struck me so, but it was truly the last thing I EVER expected to read from her. And so I thought to myself, maybe there is something to this new show. I mean surely if J loved it there must be SOMETHING to the new 90210. So I taped it and last night I sat down to watch it after Bliss was fast asleep.

And here is the thing. Was it awful? No, I wouldn't say that. Did I used to watch the original show? Yup, sure did. Was it interesting to see some old faces? Yes it was. Was it cast well? It seems to be.

But I am just not sure I am up for pseudo high school shows anymore. I say pseudo because it is so fantasy and the actors are so beyond that age just like they were in the original series. But I am either too old now or too much a fuddy duddy, I just cannot see wasting an hour weekly to watch people be cruel and vapid and shallow and mean. Especially not people portraying kids.

So it is 2 hours I won't get back. I hold J personally responsible but the whole time I was chuckling. Late last night roomie came into my room and asked what the heck I was watching. I told her how J had raved about it and shocked the hell out of me with her raving so now I was forced to watch it and she just laughed. I think I got a bigger kick out of watching it for that reason more than anything else.

So thanks J.

anger... (updated at bottom)

I am angry now
angry that it just can't go easy
that is can't just be some fucking good news
angry that I don't get to enjoy this beginning time being pregnant
for someone whose only wish is to have another child I finally achieve pregnancy after tons of time anguish and money and all I get is worry and fear
sure I do my best and get from day to day staying in the now being positive and all that crap
but crap is what it is
I am pissed off
why can't this just happen
why can't this just go smoothly
why can't I not fear another loss, another broken heart another devastation
I am pissed off at being short changed
I am pissed off at being cheated
and now I feel like I am pulling back, pulling away from the connection I have had to my uterus
because of fucking fear
because I can't help it even when I consciously work to not do that
because it hurts
because this is all to fucking familiar in the worst possible way
and when I went into the clinic today the front desk woman, who I adore btw, asked me how I was
I said I was terrified and she asked why
she fucking asked me why??????????????????????
I calmly explained while my insides screamed at her to wake the fuck up
5 pregnancies 1 child all made it past heartbeats heard
hello????
and I know it isn't her I am pissed at but I want someone to be pissed at
and for once I want to not be pissed at me
because Bliss deserves to have his parent not hating herself right now, or ever, and I worked hard to let all that crap go before I had him
so I want to be pissed at someone or something
and then the anger and all the frustration just turn to tears
as usual
and I am back to sad

UPDATED TO ADD: How nice to realize this is my 300th post.

7w1d...

I wish I had fantastic new to report. As it stands I have more waiting, as usual.

The u/s started after some tears and the doc had a heck of a time seeing well, apparently my uterus is tipped at the moment. He said he saw a heartbeat but he took a preliminary measurement of 6w4d which would be pretty much no chance considering I am 7w1d.

He then tried doing abdominal u/s which was no more clear. I ran and peed again and came back and he got a little better view. this time he got a 6w6d measurement that he felt better about. It is still 2 days behind however. Last pregnancy, with the twins, was measuring 3 days behind and then they were gone.

We did get a heart rate this time which was 131 which is good. I am not, however, feeling joyful or excited. I have had so many pregnancies that this has happened, none of them have turned out well. I know this can very much be fine, but it could also not be. There is no comfort yet beyond the mere gratitude of being pregnant.

I will also be honest and admit that there only being one is a bit heartbreaking in and of itself. Selfish likely, but how i feel.

I go back next Monday for another u/s and we shall know more then.

He did a lot of analyzing the last time and saying he thought the yolk sac and gestational sac looked better this time but he also was aware there was just not going to be any sense of relief today.

So I wait, again.

I appreciate so much all of your support, I wish so badly I could give more hopeful news. I am pretty down right now but trying to be ok. Bliss is trying to but he is worried as well. It is hard when you have a child so aware, but as he says, "if the baby stops growing we just have to try again."

early morning...

I have really done so well until now. Now I am about 30 minutes from leaving for the u/s and my heart rate is climbing upwards. I am trying to breathe, oh my gosh I am trying to breathe, but it is so hard.

First thing out of Bliss's mouth after our good morning ritual was "when do we leave."

It is so hard to will yourself to be calm in moments like this.

So I am breathing and sipping cold water and trying to calm myself to no avail.

I will write as soon as I get home.

30dp5dt...

Today is 7 weeks exactly.
Tomorrow is the ultrasound.
I am all over the place on how I feel.
I am terrified.
I am nervous.
I even have some hope which probably what makes me the most scared.
A little part of me feels this could be it and that terrifies me.
I am trying to remain calm and just go about my day.
I am trying to be in this moment and not think about it.
I am all over the place, truly.
I wish I could sleep the day away and wake up and have it be tomorrow.
I am holding each and every one of your hands right now, squeezing them way too hard.
Sorry about that.
Thanks though.