starting to smell...

Warning: Earthy crunchy post about natural body scents, read at your own risk.

My breasts are starting to take on that delicious yeasty smell of breastfeeding again.

I have missed that scent.

I am rather scent oriented and became much more so after giving up antiperspirant when pregnant with Bliss, I still use natural deodorant at times and even natural Lichen ( a natural antiperspirant) at times but I find body scents to be beautiful and so telling.

Don't get me wrong, I like being clean and having clean scents not stench, but the body goes through so many changes in scent in the course of a month, and while pregnant...wow.

So I am enjoying the return of my breasts feeding scent, the one the baby will root into to find nourishment even when asleep. It has a comforting affect on me as well.

inside this head of mine...

In case anyone wants a glimpse of the scary that is inside my head here is a peek.

I have been tortured for, I am so saddened to realize, almost an entire month of OCD from a post Cali wrote.

I don't do meme's but I have always played Cali's Scattergories games on her site. Her December game asks as it's first question "What is the name of your favorite Holiday themed song?" and then you use that as your letter for the game. But I was unsure and could not figure out a favorite song. Silent Night? No that is soooo overdone, Little Drummer Boy? No, a bit too religious for me, I just liked the "bah rump uh pump puh" as a kid.

So what do I like?

This has honestly been stuck in my craw for almost a month, and not like I think of it occasionally, no, I think about it frickin' daily. UGH!! This brain, I tell ya. I cannot remember I have a grilled cheese on the stove when I bring Bliss his sandwich in the next room and end up burning my own to a black crisp but I cannot forget the Scattergories question I am asked a month ago!!??!!

So after much MUCH MUCH thinking and searching and trying to come up with something I have FINALLY arrived at one of my favorite songs. but I will not say it is my very favorite, because frankly I have no idea.

Anyhow without further ado here it is.

A Carol Of Bells

our day...

Last night I got everything put out and ready by 9:30. It must be a personal record.
I then relaxed a bit and before bed, as a gift to myself, I took out the doppler and had a listen. While listening I also got to feel a kick which made me smile.

Today, despite going to bed at a good time, I was exhausted. I was also hungry, all day long. This is new so there must be a growth spurt going on.

The baby gave me a gift today and made itself felt NUMEROUS times throughout the day. This is very new and very welcome. It made for added joy to an already great day.

Bliss had a wonderful day and with every gift was thankful and gave kisses and yelled to the roof "THANK YOU SANTA" many many times. He is truly my Bliss.

Tonight, 40 minutes after he was "supposed" to be asleep he says "Mama one more thing?"
"What Bliss?" I replied.
"The Force is real ya know."
"Yes Bliss, I know," I replied, "now go to sleep."

happy holidays...

my past week...

Got 2 moving cubes delivered (hoping we don't end up needing more than 4).

Packed some boxes to make room for tree.

Got tree, decorated tree.

Did really lousy job decorating outside house (was banned from going on roof).

Got dogs groomed (I usually do but hey it is x-mas and what the hell).

Took x-mas photo and had it printed into cards (doubt I will get around to mailing any but they are done),(will post photo later on).

Three doc appointments down, 4 to go (getting stuff done before moving, just routine stuff).

Got hitch put on new car.

Got Bliss a snow jacket and pants and boots.

Got dogs snow boots and coats and heated dog bed.

Went on yearly evening drive to view x-mas lights.

Used doppler numerous times to feel better (thank you Rose).

Finished all x-mas shopping and also wrapped 99% of all gifts.

Was exhausted!!

the trip final thoughts...

Although the trip was really rough it was also great. All three provinces were absolutely beautiful and people were wonderful everywhere we went.

I strive to be creative and in my life but I am a very left brained type. I usually can have my likes and desires but then sit down and make a pro con list and get "rational" or "practical" and come up with solutions. With this one I have not been able to as of yet.

I am drawn mostly to both PEI and Nova Scotia. We will obviously be renting when we move at the end of January no matter what. I am thinking it would be smartest to rent on PEI to see if island living is for us and get a better feel for it. That makes sense mostly.

Here are some things running through my brain though.

I am crunchy. I was not raised as such, and strive to be so each day. I feel like a wannabe hippy often and try so hard to be as earthy as I would like to be. I fall pretty crunchy to most who meet me I think I just have this inner thing from how I was raised.

Anyhow I practice attachment parenting, I co-sleep, extended breast feed, unschool. All these things I am very happy with and do not need outer approval for. I do, however, worry about being the only EBF mom on the Island affecting Bliss' relationships potentially. It is a very progressive place in many ways, very eco friendly etc. but there is an underlying conservatism too that I cannot quite figure out.

I also worry about giving birth there. Ideally I would have a VBAC home birth but I know that may not happen. The option of a midwife, even at the hospital, is very appealing. That would only be possible in Nova Scotia from what I am gathering. (PLEASE correct me if I am wrong if anyone knows otherwise) I would like to find other unschoolers, or at least non-religious homeschooling groups and do not know how easy that will be on PEI.

Affordability just housing prices alone goes to PEI hands down. Finding a place with a barn as well but we want to start a business and doing that on the island may prove way more expensive because of costs to bring goods in or ship out. These are all things I have to try and think about.

Geographically I could likely be happy either place although the islands red earth and valley's really spoke to me so did the parts of Nova Scotia I got to see (I drove so much in the dark there).

Then there is the question about renting. Do we rent a furnished place and hope to find something really soon and make it easier on us to start, maybe only bringing my memory foam mattress for my last few months of pregnancy? Or do we go unfurnished? I could house hunt in the snow since I have seen most areas, at least I think I could, but is it realistic for the last 3 months of my pregnancy?

I hate the idea of being in a rental when I give birth but I know it may happen.

All of these things wake me up at 2am sometimes and I am still trying to figure them out. I don't want to buy a place unless we really really feel good about it too. I just feel like I cannot figure out what is quite best for us yet.

In the meantime we are finally packing stuff slowly but surely and trying to be very smart about it. We also have to FINALLY get a tree tomorrow.

WHEW, ok, the trip story is officially over!!!

the trip part six....

We got up at 4am to get to the airport. We arrived and checked in our bags. I only packed one carry-on for the trip home to make the layover at Newark less a pain since we had not needed the portable DVD player or the movie case or blanket on the trip coming.

I got some bottled water after we went through security since we had had to toss all of ours. I got Bliss a muffin and some OJ and a tart for me which I never ate any of. I was not feeling very good that morning having had thrown up the night before and was still feeling rather queasy.

The plane apparently had some electrical problem and was delayed about 40 minutes but this was known before boarding so we simply waited in the terminal. After eating about half his muffin Bliss went to sleep laying against me until it was time to board.

Once on the plane I got us settled and asked the flight attendant for the seat belt extender (yes folks the belly won't allow the seat belt across, well the belly the hips the ass, but I DO have an excuse these days) and for a few sick bags as I was truly worried about throwing up on the flight.

Bliss had taken his flying meds (a child's allergy pill) and had water to sip and gum he was chewing. The takeoff went fine and his ears were great. About 20 minutes into the flight he told me his tummy hurt and then suddenly he was throwing up. I managed to whip a bag out and he made it all in the bag, the poor thing. He then proceeded to throw up 3 more times before the 2 hour flight was done. I went into immediate mama mode and all my queasiness left. I washed his forehead, took him to the bathroom to wash his mouth out and got him bubbly water to sip (club soda) for the rest the flight. he told me right before we landed that he hated throwing up but sometimes "it sure makes ya feel better."

The landing was done without even the aid of gum and went well for him ear wise. We had to go through customs in Newark, then get our bags, then the second customs, then the bag drop off and then security again, thus losing all our bottled water AGAIN, and then I walked down the wrong very long corridor to our gate and had to backtrack. We FINALLY got to our gate (we had a 4 hour layover so I wasn't worried, just tired and with a sick kid) and sat in the food court. Bliss was hungry and I got him some pancakes thinking they would be easy on his tummy. I got a slice of pizza thinking even airport Jersey would be close enough to New York pizza to be worth it, it wasn't.

We hung out, had lots of potty stops and waited for our flight. Bliss seemed to be feeling much better, I was feeling so so. Finally we boarded our flight home.

Upon boarding the plane I was immediately struck with how very different it was from our flight out. It was not the same first class in any way. This was a business class like first class (apparently our flight over was on an international flight plane, who knew). The seats did NOT have the movie players at them (remember I had not packed the portable one in the carry-on), the seats also did not look to go back much. We were seated in the last row and I asked a nearby flight attendant if the last row seats did in fact lean back. He answered they did the same amount as the rest of first class. OK good I thought, until I found they only went back about 6 inches the same as coach. The flight attendant had a lovely accent and I asked him where he was from, that I loved his accent. He snapped back at me very angrily that he was "from here" which shocked me. He had a London by way of somewhere else accent with a lovely lilt to it but apparently it offended him greatly to be asked.

The flight is settling but not taking off yet and the flight attendant starts taking meal orders from the first class section. I hear there is a choice of chicken, a stuffed pasta, or veal. he gets to us last and informs me that there is only veal left. I explain, very nicely that I cannot eat veal (I have never eaten veal, I am a meat eater but do not ever eat veal) and that they would need to find something else, I would even eat a vegetarian meal if need be. He tells me he can get me a burger from coach and I calmly explain that I paid more for the tickets than a decent car almost and did so to ensure no problems like this and that he needed to figure out what to do but that being given a "burger from coach" was not ok. He proceeded to walk to the front of the cabin, and very loudly explain to the other flight attendants that "the bitch in row 5 says she paid thousands for her tickets and will not eat veal."

I immediately began crying much to my horror I could not stop myself, the tears were pouring down. We were still on the ground folks, I hardly believe this was so hard to rectify. I called roomie from my cell and sobbed to her and said how badly I just wanted to get off the plane and take another one but I could not because Bliss still felt like shit and we needed to just get home.

After I calmed down a bit another flight attendant came to me and explained he had spoken with some passengers and he could offer me a different meal. I thanked him and said I was not trying to be a pain and that chicken would be lovely. I also explained Bliss wanted nothing and hopefully I could get him to eat a few bites of mine.

To backtrack a second, I was very obviously pregnant and I had explained to the jerk attendant that Bliss was coming off an early flight he had spent the entire time throwing up on. It had made zero difference to that man.

So we are taking off, Bliss is doing great ear wise and just wants to sleep in a slippery seat that won't go back. We have a 4 inch armrest between us that won't move and no legroom for me to cradle him from. He did his best but it was breaking my heart seeing him try to lay and sleep. Also the overhead movie screen was in the first row and row 3 and no other row so Bliss could not even physically see it from his seat. He tried to sleep and the mean flight attendant started going around again taking salad dressing preferences from the passengers. he did all 18 other passengers and then stood up, turned and walked back to the front purposefully ignoring me. A few minutes later the other flight attendant came back and took my dressing order. I began to cry, again. I was so upset and angry and frustrated and that man was making such a huge scene of avoiding me at all costs.

The nice attendant was very apologetic. I explained through tears that I had not been a passenger who ever yelled or raised my voice in any way and that it was his job to address my concerns and that by acting this way he was humiliating me and ruining our entire flight. The nice attendant apologized and went about bringing me my salad.

Bliss slept fitfully and I tried to calm my nerves and stop the damn tears which kept coming on and off. Towards the end of the flight I think the mean one came by once to ask what we needed drinks wise but that was it.

Bliss did well on the landing THANK GODDESS and we left the plane as soon as humanly possible. Some passengers from coach near us on the flight made comments in baggage claim asking what had happened and why was the flight attendant so mean to me.

We got our luggage and went out to meet up with roomie to drive home. I was sooooo glad the trips was over. It is probably more clear now why I could not write about the trip when I got home, it really was a bit of a huge letdown and ended so poorly.

Next up final thoughts and insights on what we are planning to do.

the trip part five....

Saturday was our last day of driving around, the next day we were flying home at dawn.

We got off to an ok start but Bliss had to make a lot of potty stops, like one every 20 minutes. It was also the first day of regular raining, which I loved. Maybe the rain made him need to pee, who knows.

We were running about 15 minutes late and I was stressed because I try not to be late. We finally got to the Realtors office who were were meeting that day only to find the office closed. I called her and left a message, parked and waited. About 15 minutes later I got a call back, her car had broken down and she was getting another car to borrow, but she was about an hour away.

???

So we got the addresses since it was also the first day I had forgotten my own paperwork. Up to then each Realtor would hand me printouts of properties I already had previously printed out for myself. So we got the addresses and I said we would grab a bite and meet her at the first one.

We ended up just driving to the first one as Bliss wasn't hungry yet and I was fin. We got there and it was the closest to a road we had seen yet. You could literally touch the front door with one hand and the main road with another, at the same time. So I knew it was a no go so I went to call the Realtor and tell her we should just meet up at the second one instead, except I found out there was no cell service.

So I began driving to the second and when I saw a market I stopped to call. After 3 attempts and a lot of lost coins at the obviously broken pay phone the clerk allowed me to make the local call on his phone. I let her know and grabbed some snacks and we drove to the other house.

This house was in nice shape, but was a smokers house, it was shocking to me (a former smoker years back) how strong it was. Bliss was actually coughing. The Realtor didn't notice but she was a smoker herself. The house was in nice shape but it was not in a location that would ultimately work for us. We chatted more about what we were seeking and she said she would keep her eyes open for something that might work we could view when we came back. We made our goodbyes and were on our way back to the hotel.

We stopped at Sharon's home to return the GPS and have a nice visit where she even lent me her baby sounds monitor so I could try to hear a heartbeat. I was suddenly paranoid again and had VERY FOOLISHLY not brought the ultrasound monitor I had just gotten. I didn't hear anything on hers but it was not an actual u/s so I was not completely freaked out. It was sooooo sweet of her though to let me try.

We said goodbye to her adorable daughter and her lovely parents and her and went back to the hotel. I just had packing to do and dinner and then up at 4am to go to the airport to go home.

I wish I could say this was the end of the story but the next day proved almost too much for me...

the trip part four...

I want to start this post mentioning that while I had seen so many crap houses much of it was because I had only been able to go by pictures on MLS and had not had my own Realtor I had been working with. I had tried but got a lot of flakes and didn't set up with much before arranging just times to visit houses on a list I sent. Also Nova Scotia, where I was looking, just plain did not have many houses available, it was much more that than the houses all being bad. I LOVED the area and so did everyone living in it apparently because few were moving. I am sure for 100,000 grand more we could find a great place but we have our budget and will not go over.

OK that all said on to the next day. Where was I? Prince Edward Island, yes. First off in the morning we saw 2 homes in New Brunswick on the way to PEI. They were sort of last minute things that turned out not right but we stopped anyways. Next we took the Confederation Bridge over to the island and met the Realtor at the first house.

The Island was BEAUTIFUL, absolutely stunning. The red earth and patchwork valley's were so lovely. The first house was in fantastic shape and had lots of acres. The ONLY problem was it was right on the road and we just can't do that with the dogs and kids, I just want something back off the road.

We saw another house on the same road down a bit and it was back off the road with a beautiful large yard. The Realtor arranged for us to view it. It was a lovely 100 year old home on 3 acres and it beautiful shape. So much of what we want but priced a bit over our budget and with so little acreage I just felt was not wise. It was so lovely though. Here is a pic of it and the one below is of the loft in the garage. The owner was a Lobster man for years and his son still is. The picture is fuzzy but the buoys looked like pretty lanterns all lit up and so lovely.

Everywhere we drove on the island was beautiful, I was scribbling road names and property numbers the entire day. I loved the agricultural community feeling of so much of the island. THIS is what we were looking for so much more. A couple houses we saw were just too old and run down, or the property wasn't exactly right but we saw a lot more potential. One place was right smack dab next to a King.dom Ha.ll and I cannot explain how happy those people would be did they know the crazy queer Buddhist hippy flower child is not moving in within spitting distance of their place.

The other concern about the island is just that, living on an island. Charlottetown is a big city and has lots f major stores and whatnot so much could be gotten from there, but there is the fear of island fever of sorts and of Bliss growing to teenage years and being in that "dying to leave" place which would kill me (seriously).

The final fact to contend with is that it costs $41.50 to leave the island. It is free to drive on but that is the toll to leave. That is a chunk of change folks and it is hard to know how much impact that would have in our daily lives. we want to start a business, but what about if things needed to be brought across regularly, all of that is something to think about.

We ended the day driving back to the hotel and playing in this amazing kids pool which we had booked because of the big pool slide it had. Little did I know the slide was 2 stories high and Bliss HAD to have me sit and hold him going down. I lay back, squeezed my eyes shut and prayed not to get sick. He had a blast, but we only did it 2 or 3 times.

After that I went across the street and got myself a HUGE steak and lobster dinner. The first I had in the Maritimes. It was AMAZING. Bliss had steak and bread and veggies.

Then sleep and even sleeping in a bit and the next day our final day driving around.

the trip part three...

So we woke up early and went to the Ferry. The hotel we stayed at had advertised a cooked to order breakfast which had been a main reason I stayed there. I was over the continental breakfast thing and looking forward to a real breakfast. I called down and was told to just pick up the vouchers at the front desk. I took down a suitcase to the rental and picked up the vouchers at the desk. I went to the restaurant to order our meals and found that the "cooked to order" breakfast was a choice of either 2 eggs and toast or a yogurt and one egg. I asked if I could substitute as I cannot eat eggs this pregnancy at all. I was told no I could not. So the "cooked to order" breakfast was total bullshit. I took the vouchers back to the front desk, informed them they need to stop advertising falsely and went back upstairs to collect the rest of our stuff and Bliss.

We drove to the Ferry and all was well and we waited in line to board the Ferry going from Saint John, New Brunswick to Digby, Nova Scotia. We boarded the ferry and parked and walked the two flights of stairs up to the main part of the ship (so fun for me). We went to the cafeteria to get some breakfast and I instantly realized I had left my wallet in the car 2 flights down. I walked back down and back up and we had a nice breakfast.

Then we went to go see the kids stuff they had aboard, only to find out all the stuff was only for the summer season and all of it was closed. We walked outside and watched the water, all the while me getting queasy and then went upstairs to the lounge where they had said over the loud speakers there were computers for use of passengers.

We went to use the computers but the Internet connections seemed to be down, the entire three hour boat ride. Yay again!! Poor Bliss, but he was in great spirits. I began feeling more and more seasick and had to lay down on a side couch while Bliss played with the movie feature on my camera. He did great while I rested and quietly moaned. There is one movie he made with him all chipper and me looking green as hell but it is too awful to post.

The Ferry trip ended and we drove to meet the Nova Scotia Realtor we were scheduled with. I loved the geography I saw a lot. Beautiful farming communities with patchwork hills. It was much more along the lines of what I had been looking for. We went to the first house,and although old it seemed better, until we went upstairs and saw the caved in roof with mold and moss growing down the bedroom walls. Fun stuff.

We went to the next place and it was way up the mountain and right on the road and in poor shape as well. It was getting late and Bliss was needing a bathroom every 20 minutes but we managed to see one more place that was completely unsuitable. I had found an area I loved, the Annapolis Valley, but no houses available where we wanted one.

It was just dark when we finished in that area and we had to drive back to Moncton to the next hotel we had reservations at that night. It was a 4 hour drive through so much of Nova Scotia I could not see at all because it was night.

Bliss was great as usual but I was tired of driving and frustrated. We got to the hotel by 10pm and tried to get to sleep right away.

The next day we got up a little bit later, like 7:30-8am and headed out to Prince Edward Island.

what's new with you...

I had an OB appointment yesterday. I was hoping she would do an u/s so maybe I could get an actual picture that didn't suck but she told me her u/s was way less than the one I had had the day before and it was just because of positioning behind placenta and the thickest part of my belly fat that the picture was so bad.

So, rats!!!

Good news I have lost another pound so far this pregnancy. I don't care about losing, it is that I am not gaining, which my doc says means the baby is "converting" which is optimal for me considering my starting weight this pregnancy. It is also good news for me because I gained 65 pounds with Bliss and started this pregnancy weighing more than the day I gave birth to Bliss, so being in a place of converting rather than gaining is really positive for me.

I still throw up a couple times a week but usually I don't lose my whole meal so that is good. I also still have this cold I got in Canada but it seems to finally be getting better. The coughing has added to the throwing up though, that and the excess mucus which chokes me at times. YUCK!!

As for eating I am still in the weird place where one minute I like one thing and the next can't stand it. Breakfast still continues to be the hardest meal to figure out. This morning I made fresh steamed veggies squirted with fresh lemon juice, nice rice pilaf, and broiled salmon for breakfast. It was delicious but come on, that is NOT breakfast food people.

I wish I could chug milk and eat eggs even one meal a day like I did when preggers with Bliss but that is not to be it seems. I can do an occasional decaf latte drink which IS milk but not real great for me.

OHHH and we got a new car, well a new used but it was INSANE. I have a big ol Ford F150 extended cab long bed truck. It does not have enough room even with the back seat as it cannot fit a rear facing child seat on it and I knew we would have to get something before going to Canada. Well I have been looking to do a trade in and then keep costs down. In Canada I rented a Chevy Uplander van and was surprised how much I enjoyed it but when I looked on CL at home I say they were really expensive, even used. OK whatever, on to the next thing. Well roomie and I were talking and she suggested we rent one of the other vehicles we were thinking about and make a trip down to the Monterey. Bay. Aquarium. in it to see how we like the feel. I had promised Bliss we would go there before we moved (it is about 3 hours south of us). I went online to a few rental places and ended up looking at their vehicles to buy as well and suddenly there was an Uplander, a 2008 one, for like 5 grand under blue book and 6 grand less than on CL for a 6 year older one and with only 32,000 miles on it. We were stunned and called and drove over and they took my trade in for a good price and we have a new car. It still shocks me every time I walk outside. But this is what we will be driving to Canada when we move and it is really cool. I will try and remember to post a pic if anyone is interested but maybe not as pictures of a car can be kinda boring maybe.

(wanted to add here, I know it is probably strange to many I drove a big gas guzzler truck, but I have always had trucks and I got it for such an amazing price years ago after my lovely Toyota wagon lost all a/c and other things during summer. Anyhow I have one bumper sticker on my truck, or had I guess, that read "Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper" and I did not drive a ton but anyhow the last thing about the new van, it is a flex fuel van and can take ethanol, so even cooler. I just need to get another one of my bumper stickers for it now.)

Anyhow I will be finishing writing about my trip in the next day or two, Sunday we are going down to the aquarium just for the night, and all is pretty ok right now.

20 week scan...

All went well. They want me back in 4 weeks but everything looked fine. The tech was jaded and a bit of a pain in the ass, the doc was super sweet.

The picture I got was crap, a frontal skeletal looking picture because of how the baby was laying. I am not going to bother even scanning it as it is total blurry crap.

The kidney's looked good as with stomach and bladder. The spine was good, and the brain stem too. The arm and leg bones measured good and long.

They got a look at the heart and said it looked great but still they said it was a little early and a little hard with my belly fat to get views clear enough to officially call. but then she did get one look he said was fantastic.

They could not get facial views good, hence crap pictures, so they want to do the facial checking (cleft palate etc. in 4 weeks).

The nuchal fold was 3mm or less and he said anything under 6mm was great.

In some ways I feel like I can finally say I am really pregnant, even to myself. In other ways I know that until I feel the baby move all the time I will still struggle.

I had about 3 hours sleep last night with worry and I am completely exhausted. I was able, however, to get up in the middle of the night and use my lovely gifted doppler (thanks again Rose!!) and ease my mind.

My placenta is large and anterior so that will further delay regular kicks but after today I am definitely breathing much easier.

Now for a nap.

putting it out there...

I have my 20 week level 2 anatomy scan tomorrow.

I am really nervous, more than I want to even admit.

It just seems like my biggest hurdle.

No I will not be finding out the sex.

I wasn't even going to post this for fear of a jinx but I had to.

Breathe.

show and tell...

Bliss lost his first tooth of his own accord the day after Thanksgiving.
It is a big deal for so many reasons. I may have touched on it eons ago but will go through it in it's entirety and see if I can do so without breaking down.

When I was pregnant with Bliss I was on antibiotics twice for two different things. It is believed to have led to what Bliss went through but there are many school's of thought on it. I believe it was the cause as does my current pediatric specialist.

Anyhow Bliss' teeth came in falling apart. They were disintegrating immediately. He was exclusively breast fed for the first year and it is not a normal occurrence, but like with IF when you go through ECC (early childhood caries) you suddenly are opened to more info and meet others struggling with it. His teeth did not hurt him at first and I did not want to have to put him in a hospital to go under anesthesia at 9 months old so I waited.

Yes they started breaking off, but the only pain were the scabs on my nipples from his jagged teeth and he did not have pain yet. I could care less about my pain when he was faced with so much future hardship. At just after 12 months, his four front teeth were all broken down to gum level he began getting sensitive a bit and at 13 months I had to have them removed.

[I also want to take a second here to mention that in this world of ECC most people on the outside assume your child has Bottle Rot from neglect and there is quite a stigma tied to it. I was horrified though to hear stories of children being taken away by CPS due to severe cases of Bottle Rot when they may very well have had the problem from a completely different cause. ECC's

It is a predisposition to reacting badly to a normal mouth bacteria and then having that bacteria introduced into the weakened mouth. In my case they believe the antibiotics weakened his early immunity to it in utero and then likely he was exposed to it from me with anything from kissing to any contact with my saliva. All adults have the bacteria and kids get it sometimes early and sometimes later, but it usually only takes hold of a mouth susceptible to it from a weakened state or from severe neglect wearing down the mouth's resistance. A dear friend of mine from my Mother's Group had it with her second child and nothing at all with her first. She went through hell as well and could not get over how different it was for both her kids. CAN be caused by neglect and Bottle Rot and parents who fill bottle's with soda pop and all sorts of other crap, but this is not the only reason it happens and when it takes hold of a mouth, even from something as precious as kissing between mother and baby, it is not mentioned so much.]

I still did not want him having surgery at a hospital and I found a specialist who would do it very quickly with Novocaine and laughing gas. We spent that morning at the State Fair and then went to the appointment.

They were all wonderful and placed him on what they called a "huggy board" to hold him down, while I also held his hands and gave comfort. The entire procedure took less that 15 minutes from start to finish and it is the 15 minutes I wish most I could get back in my child's life. It is also when I learned my son does not react to laughing gas and barely reacts to Novocaine.

He was traumatized so deeply, which is not to say a hospital, an iv, and being away from me wouldn't have been worse, but with his amazing memory, at 6 years old now, he can recant the entire thing back to me and still does on occasion.

We still had teeth coming in with issues and I spent countless hours researching the problem trying to figure out what to do. He began chewing Xyletol gum between every meal along with the brushing and topical fluoride we used (which I am not even a fan of) and we tried hard to keep the decay at bay. He liked breast milk and water and orange juice but we were told no OJ, no dried fruit, night wean (I never did) and many other things, but for everything I was told by one person another expert would say it didn't matter, that it was already in his mouth (the bacteria that causes it) and that it would likely be a problem with all his baby teeth (though not his adult thank Goddess).

Finally a new dentist opened up a few towns away who offered in office twilight anesthesia and procedures. I went to her and she was not only amazing but her anesthesiologist was as well. Bliss now needed 2 crowns, my poor darling, and I was beside myself what to do. This office was terrific and they even arranged for surgery days to be no other clients, they would have the anesthesiologist meet us at the door and as I carried Bliss in he would greet and slyly give a shot to knock him out in order to then put him under. Yes the shot hurt him, but it was quick and I was assured he would not remember it because of what it was.

Well he DID remember it but it was a bit fuzzy and they were able to do all they needed to. They also informed me he took way more anesthesia than they expected and had a huge resistance to it. I was a wreck as it was the first time Bliss was away from me ever, even though it was just in a different room it felt like so much more When the anesthesiologist came out cradling Bliss in his arms while he still slept, as if he was his own child, I knew I was in the right spot.

Bliss has had to have 3 surgeries there, but I am happy to report it has been a year and a half since he had any decay. I use an amazing toothpaste that made a huge difference in not only his teeth but also mine (which has no fluoride btw) and the dentist really feels we are past the bad times with his baby teeth. We are still vigilant, and it has been hard both emotionally and economically (the insurance we had before would not cover this dentist or any surgery but a hospital stay so all the surgeries were cash or credit) but so worth it.

Bliss still has a lot of fear around the dentist and even though his last two visits and cleanings have been awesome, he has still done a lot of crying and hyperventilating. He is getting better but he remembers so much bad associated with the dentist it is hard for him.

So this is a really really long way of saying how big a deal it was for my baby to lose his first tooth of his own accord. It was also the first time the Tooth Fairy visited that he remembers. Back then she visited but he was still way to traumatized and young to get it or understand.

Now head over to Mel's and look at all the other Show and Tell's this week.

the trip part two...

So as I said, why do I recognize someone at this airport in this place I have never been at 11pm at night?

Well a wonderfully sweet woman I know from an online bulletin board I used to frequent (an SMC board I was part of for ages until it became necessary to only hang out on IF boards and blogs) was at the airport. Never mind I had never mentioned when I would be flying in.

Never mind she was with her mother and her 16 month old daughter at 11 pm and had been waiting Goddess knows how long for me to arrive, maybe. She was there, welcoming me to Canada and it was shocking and amazing. She wanted to make sure I got in ok, and have me follow her in the rental to the hotel so I would not get lost.

I was beyond touched, I was awed and speechless. I got my rental and followed them to the hotel and made it in time as I was concerned I would not (they closed at midnight). This was only to find they were booked solid, so I followed them again to another hotel and got a room there. This woman, her name is Sharon, also lifted my bags onto the hotel cart for me and off the cart into the room. She was just so amazing!!!!!

So we got settled and said our goodbyes and planned to meet up for a bit the next day after noon as the next day was Remembrance Day (our veterans Day) and everything is closed so we knew beforehand we could not look at any properties that day.

We finally got to sleep, the bed was awful and the pillows worse but we got to sleep and slept in until 9:45 which, sadly was only 5:45 our time. Well Bliss did, I woke up with a wake p call at 9:15 so I would not miss out getting breakfast for our room at the free continental buffet.

I felt hungover the next morning from the flying and lack of sleep and stress but all was ok. I was hot as well but it was cool outside and felt good.

At a bit after noon Sharon picked us up to show us around town a bit and take us by some great landmarks. I sat in the back of her van with Bliss, even though her mother offered the front passenger seat, because I knew Bliss would want me near. What I did not consider was how car sick I would become.

We did a few sightseeing things and then they tool me around looking for an open grocery store where I could get some apples (ha ha ha) and some fresh stuff for the room but nothing was open but a gas station convenience store. I was able to get some apples and bottled water and such though so that was great. I also would NEVER have found where to go with everything closed so again, having Sharon and her family of angels there was amazing. Then when they were about to drop us off at the hotel her mother tells me she wants to lend me her GOS for the week and we run by her home to pick it up. Can you believe this????? I am SOOOOOOO converted to GPS' now, btw, I would have had so much more difficulty during my trip had I not had that amazing lil thing to use. It was a lifesaver!!!!! It is also on my own list to get from Santa this x-mas for sure!

So the next day we had to leave by 7am, which is 3am our time or somewhere in between since we have not yet adjusted but are not totally unadjusted. The first property is about an hour and a half away and was one I was really looking forward to seeing. Until I saw it that is.

It should have forewarned me of my trip, truly. It looked absolutely NOTHING like the pictures on MLS and was an absolute clapboard shack. I could spit from one side to the other and I suck at spitting. The area was not what I was expecting either. All that work and research I had done meant nothing and I was bummed but knew I had many more places to see so I kept positive.

Bliss had a dvd player and lots of movies to keep him company, plus his car seat from home he likes so he was good so far. I saw another house after that one that was not planned, and it was very nice, but just too small. It was very well kept and the property was nice, but I had realized the area we were in would not do. It had become pretty much a retirement community and I want to be where there are kids and families.

After that we drove another hour and a half to get to the next area if properties. Stopping for Bliss to go potty was ok with pee but the other became a concern when we were in rural areas. Thank goodness for Tom Horton's being everywhere is all I can say.

So we get to the next property and it is ok, lots of apple trees on the property and a very quiet road, the house seems ok from the outside. Bliss has to go potty the second we walk in which is when I discover no water and plumbing problems in the downstairs. Oh and the rooms were closets, not rooms, the listing was inaccurate. Then there was the 3 feet of water in the basement with a permanent sump pump and hose coming out. Why none of this was mentioned I am still not sure. The next property was the one with the floors so bowed you could sled down one side and the floors coming up with the foundation crumbling.

After that it was another hour and a half to the next area. We stopped for fast food along the way, which can I say is sooo not what I want these days but all we had time for. Bliss was doing great and I was very proud of him. The next property had an amazing view but here is when it sunk in. Wooded areas in New Brunswick are nothing of what I was expecting.

Bear with me here, I do not think I am being strange here in thinking, make that assuming, that wooded areas would be like the wooded areas of Maine. Au contraire mon fraire the wooded areas in NB have pines and aspens and thicket and undergrowth. You literally cannot even walk through them. So all this time I am avoiding properties with lots of clear cutting having been done is now making no sense because I do not want woods we cannot walk through, especially not a majority of it.

So that house with the great view of the river, it still needed lots of work and was smaller than expected. The floors, of mustard yellow/orange shag that looked centuries old would never work, the walls were in need of major repair and the garage was falling apart. It was still not as bad as many I had so far seen but it also was not what we were looking for.

We then drove another hour and a half to Saint John NB to stay at a hotel for the night in order to catch the Ferry the next day to Nova Scotia. The hotel was fine except they put us in the wrong room to start.I had made reservations for the rest of the trip the night before and knew what I had reserved.

Bliss was tired, I was exhausted, and we got settled in and I went down to the restaurant to see what they had and get some real food. We ate healthy dinners, I had AMAZING salmon with rice and fresh steamed veggies and was in heaven. Bliss ate pasta and some meat and bread and fruit and we relaxed a bit and got to bed.

The next day we were headed for a Ferry ride, for Bliss and then a day of searching Nova Scotia.

More to come...

to all...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!

If you celebrate today or not may your day be filled with love.

Cooked all morning, I LOVE this day for the cooking alone.

Today's Menu in our home.

Apricot Glazed Turkey
Fresh Mashed Potato's
Yeast Rolls
Cranberry Waldorf Salad
Yams with brown sugar (for roomie)
Fresh green beans (for me)
Cranberry Sauce (canned)
Homemade Pumpkin Pies (two)
Fresh whipped cream for said pies
Homemade Apple Pie

Total eating 3

I so love cooking for tons but we shall have leftovers for days!!!!!

Dinner was great but I am so wiped out and full. Doing it pregnant has taken it out of me. Now if I can just convince Bliss to take a nap with me.

More installments of the trip to come later this week.

the trip part one.....

So, finally, the trip.

To give a little back story Bliss is not fond of flying. The last time he flew we were going to Vancouver for the day to get our Landing papers for immigration. It was a day trip and we would visit the aquarium and a few other tourist things we thought he would enjoy. The pilot, however, did a very rapid descent that caused my ears quite a bit of pain and Bliss began screaming at that time. It was almost 30 minutes until we were off the plane and the screaming had turned into the terror scream. We walked off the plane and had to immediately sit with him in the hall, long before customs or anything and it was over another 40 minutes before he could be calmed. It was just horrid. We also knew, as did he that we had to get back on a plane in 12 hours and that caused a lot of panic as well.

The day went well, we picked up some meds recommended for him and more "chewier" gum and the trip home was not bad beyond the panic. But Bliss, have I mentioned this, he has this memory. It is uncanny and a pain the ass and incredible all at the same time. So a year and a half later and he is really worried about the flying.

We got first class tickets, it was an expense so beyond our means, but I a) really needed the long flight to Newark (no nonstop to the Canadian Atlantic Region) to be ok for Bliss and b) found out I was only going to be able to get back row in economy. The plane was great as was the service (it better be for the absolute fortune we spent). The flight took off and it went well for Bliss, we got situated with drinks and then a flight attendant who I had told about Bliss' fears, and who had introduced him earlier to the pilot who Bliss proceeded to ask to do slow takeoff's and landings, came by and got the personal movie player out for him and showed him how to use it. They had Wall-E, which Bliss LOVED and has only seen once, and we put that on and I breathed for the first time. He also had new "plane toys" he loved and comfort snacks from home (apples and bacon if you must know).

About a half hour into the movie and an hour into the flight Bliss suddenly stops the movie, takes off the headphones, and says to be very seriously that he wants to get off the flight NOW. He wants the plane to land right now. My heart is absolutely panicked. I am not a panic type with Bliss usually but I knew we had 4 more hours ahead of us and I knew how serious he was.

I asked what was wrong, was he in pain, what was up. He was not liking the long flight and was scared and I told him very gently we had a lot more time until we got there but that I was there for him. Because of the huge armrest/table between seats in first class, and because we were in the first row with tons of leg space I crawled onto the floor in front of his seat and pulled him into my arms and held him while he cried. I also suggested he rest and reminded him how early we had gotten up (4 am) and said it would make the flight go faster.

He did well the rest the flight, slept a couple hours, and was not so panicked. The moment he was truly asleep I was crying my head off and doing breathing techniques. I know the pregnancy hormones were compounding how hard I was taking it, but I really felt like I was putting him through hell and I was just so sad for him.

The landing in Newark went pretty well but the descent is a very long one and Bliss got a little upset at one point and began to cry again. I asked if it was actual pain or just pressure building and scaring him (I had a feeling). He said the building pressure and I was able to explain to him they would get tight and release over and over but that they would not get sharp pain like before. he took this news well and we worked on a combination of swallowing sips of water, blowing his nose while I held it closed, and chewing 2.5 pieces of Hubba Bubba gum. It worked well and he was happy how well he did as soon as tires hit the tarmac.

When we got off the plane we got to get a ride on the airport gold cart thing to the other terminal shuttle bus. Bliss adored that. Then we had a little time to kill and had a meal at a little airport restaurant and went to the bathroom 50 times. Bliss, not me. He was able to poop though and that helped him.

This all may be way too much info for some but this is all part of how this trip went for us.

The second plane was a small plane from Newark to Moncton, New Brunswick. There is no first class but thankfully the armrests go up between us and I was saved from extreme squish. I was still in pain though. I was also boiling, the entire 2 hour flight, only one of the air things worked and I felt faint. Bliss did good with takeoff chewing this huge wad of gum and his mood was great. He was such an amazing lil being.

We landed at about 10:30 pm Atlantic time (4 hour difference from our time). We went through the first customs heck and I had written we had apples. It is a tiny airport and I got my luggage out those doors and went to the second check. they asked me to go to the private room area, which I assumed was to get rid of my apples. I was fine with that. They were very nice but they began asking me about Bliss and suddenly I understood.

At the first check point they had asked where his father was and I explained he was a sperm bank child. I thought nothing of it. We have passports and are even landed immigrants in Canada. It was a three year and very thorough process.

Well apparently they were taking me aside to see if I had proof he was in fact a sperm bank child. I laughed and explained that there was none that would suffice. If I had brought his birth certificate, which I did not, all it would say is my name and blank under father. That is not proof. If I brought the profile of his donor from the sperm bank, that again was just me saying and showing. They were very nice and were also stumped as to how, in the future, I would deal with this. They recommended bringing the birth certificate anyways but agreed it was problematic for them.

I should add here that they question it because they have to make sure people, men or women, are not taking kids out of the country into their country behind another parent's back. It IS to protect the child and I was aware of this the whole time. I appreciated their concern. It was just a pain in the toochis for us.

I think in Vancouver they deal with this more often so it is not so unusual probably. They then tried to ask Bliss questions, like what is his address (I do not believe in teaching my child, who I am with 24/7, his address actually) and they asked him who he lived with and he mentioned "the girls" which are our dogs and then got confused. They were very nice, took my apples and let us go but it was interesting to say the least.

I then enter the main terminal as I leave that area and a man asks if that's it. I was the last person out of the airport apparently. I said yes and then look across the terminal and am confused. Why do I recognize someone at this airport at 11 pm at night???

birthday...

Bliss' birthday went really well. We spent the morning opening gifts and playing and then he got to watch Star Wars (the original made not the first in the series) for the first time ever. He loved it.

I spent the morning throwing up, badly. The kind where it makes you sick all day long. I am back to battling throwing up, and pretty miserable. I was ok by the time we left for Chuck.E.Cheese.

He knew we were going there but he thought it was just us. The friends were waiting and jumped out and yelled surprise and when he realized it was a party for him he laid down on the floor in shock. He is so funny.

The party was small (4 other kids 3 other adults) but really nice and Bliss had a really good time. I nibbled some cheese pizza and some salad and was very pleased I did not have to throw up there.

After the song was sung and the cake was cut and served I surprised him with his big gift. He got the Millennium Falcon which is this HUGE thing and he was sooo shocked and thrilled.

We got home at bedtime almost and were exhausted.

I will post some pics on this post when I get them downloaded.

As for the trip post it is coming, I swear. I am just not feeling well and not up to very much. I finally caught up on my reader and am so far behind on shows it is a joke. Every night I go to bed when Bliss does and still I am tried all day. This cold is kicking my ass.

I promise to get the trip post out this week though.

update...

Still not ready to post about trip.

Still sick with this cold.

Did get unpacked and laundry done.

This Friday is Bliss' birthday so I have been getting that organized. He is having his first party with other people. Very small but it is all so he can enter a room and have people yell surprise. He has no idea but has said this past year how much he wants a surprise party some day. We are doing it the easy way and having a Chuck.E.Cheese party but he will be surprised so I am excited.

After I get through this week I should be ready to write about it all and tackle our next step or maybe at least start to figure it out.

I am down to about 75 on my reader so I am getting there.

new fyi...

home, wiped out beyond belief
house not found
frustrated
will figure it out
need a few days to even begin to write about it

p.s. have over 300 feeds to catch up on, please know I will but it may take a while

fyi...

in Canada, exhausted, be back next week

show and tell...

This post is for Mel.

I only recently began trying out bread making. It is something I have always wanted to do but had not. I am a pie maker from a young age, love making baked goods. My Tiramisu is better than I can find at the best Italian restaurant. But I never made bread beyond quick breads.

I began trying a couple months ago but the morning sickness and Metformin at the time made me not able to eat what I was baking so I too a break. I made three different breads back then and one was pretty good and two quickly became rocks.

I began searching out recipes to make artisan bread as a novice and found a lot I thought would not be good to try. Then I came across THIS article in the NY Times and couldn't wait to try it. I only had to wait for the sickness to go. So three days ago I finally decided to give it a try.

The recipe is HERE and it is so easy it is ridiculous. I am not one who wants easy necessarily. I actually love a multi-step recipe and even enjoy, so far, kneading bread and the feel of it. But this bread had such a write-up and so many rave reviews and it was artisan like in taste supposedly.

Anyhow I was shocked how beautiful it came out, and then that night I could not eat it because I was stuffed and had to wait until lunch the next day and you know what, it was amazing!!! It is still amazing days later. I will definitely be using this recipe over and over.


Now head over to Mel's and look at all the other Show and Tell's this week.

lot's going on...

I am insanely scattered trying to organize with no less that 5 different Realtors for my trip up to Canada next week. I have so very much to do and so little time to do it. Then I come to find out Tuesday is not only our Veteran's day but their Remembrance Day, which is great, but means I will not be able to view properties on that day. So basically it means I will have Wed Thurs and Fri to get it all done, hopefully someone can show houses Sat too and that will give me a total of 4 days. UGH. I come back early on Sunday.

In other news I spent this morning barfing, a lot. Not sure why but even one egg seems too many right now.

I also had an OB visit today. No u/s which is strange when you are used to them but good to. She did Doppler me for my own sanity and the heartbeat was thumping away.

I wanted to also mention an amazing anon. reader wrote me and is sending me a Doppler for my peace of mind only asking that I pass it on after the pregnancy is done. I am SO SO SO lucky!!!!! I cannot wait to get it!!

I have also lost one pound in the past month which made me happy. Not the loss, just that there has not been gain. I know many overweight women, when they get pregnant, gain very little weight. I also have friends who have gained 50-60 with every pregnancy even when they lost nothing in between. I was and am hoping I fall into the first category and so far things are not out of control.

So that is all for now. Thanks for all the support from my last post. It meant a lot.

tears...

I cried last night. Tears of joy at Obama winning. Tears of finally seeing some change, some desperately needed change.

I woke up this morning and the tears have begun again and won't seem to stop. This time, however, they are not of joy. They voted for constitutional amendments to oppress. They voted to make me not equal. They voted to say I have less rights, am less allowed, am less.

I LOVE Obama, I have loved him for YEARS, but this morning I am so sadly aware of how my choice to move is the right one. I have to raise my son in a place where his mother is considered an equal citizen worthy of equal rights. I am just so very hurt, that in California, they have voted to hurt.

The tears keep falling.

show and tell...

Amy over at Milk in the Batter shared this video with me that she got from Emily the Hopeless who got it from Dagny at Who is John Galt? and I felt it just HAS to be viewed my everyone.

It is so amazing and well done/written/expressed. It is also intense and emotional, but so is infertility.

So I present to you for Show and Tell, EMPTY ARMS from the Infertility Awareness Project.

tricks and treats...

HAPPY SAMHAIN!!!!!!!







1 Reese's small peanut butter egg from Easter
1 normal size Reese's peanut butter cup
2 Brach's caramels
2 Smarties (pieces, not rolls)
1/2 of a plain caramel apple
2 bites of carrot cake
slushy lemonade

That was the extent of my sweets intake yesterday. That should very much tell you how much I am NOT into sweets while pregnant, seriously.

We had a good time trick-or-treating at a local downtown that has a great event. Bliss also decided how many treats he wanted and then was done, it was strange but happy for me as I was BOILING in that suit. I am also mortified it was snug on me as it is a blow up suit, but kids still freaked at it and bliss loved that so all was worth it.

It rained the night before, FINALLY, and rained a little in the day but was clear when we went trick-or-treating. Then in the evening when we set up to hand out candy, which Bliss loves to do, it began raining again. I was handing out huge handfuls of candy per person just hoping to run out and the rain kept getting stronger and people stopped coming. Sadly I still have lots left but I will pass it out to the mail people and any delivery drivers that stop by over the coming week.

I also keep forgetting to mention my 3 hour GD test and now seems appropriate.

My fasting level was 90 (65-99 range)
My 1 hour level was 211 (65-199 range) high
My 2 hour level was 115 (65-139 range)
My 3 hour level was 66 (65-109 range)

The docs say it is not a clear pass, which I disagree with but whatever. They say I need to watch it, which I have been, and that I must retest at 24 weeks. We shall see, that will be around moving time so I am not sure but I am trying to be careful of what I eat.

Speaking of eating, my new thing, besides soups which are still doing me well, is 4 P's. I take some potato salad I got at the store, add cut up pickles, and pepperocini's and potato chips on the side. It was only a small thing of potato salad thank goodness. I am not even usually a big potato chip person. So aside from that I have been trying to really watch what I eat and keep the carbs down. I have not thrown up in almost a week but still have close calls.

sad...(UPDATED)

I had been doing better, way better.

I have been able to drink plain water again, THIS IS HUGE!!!!!

I was finally feeling like things were getting good.

Then...

I am suddenly not really feeling the baby move.

It moved places, and I know that could account for it, but it is really dragging me down

I used to feel it all day long in the bottom left area of my abdomen.

Then it felt like it moved a bit more center and now I am staying up late trying to feel it.

I am eating some sweet thing to try and feel it.

I am actually depressed right now.

I want, no I need to feel it move. It was what got me through day to day.

I am trying to tell myself it is just a different area that is harder to feel.

I am trying to tell myself to have faith and believe.

I am just covered with this film of sadness.

My next appointment was moved up because of my upcoming trip to the 6th of Nov.

It is still far to far away.


UPDATE:
I called the doc and could not stop crying. They fit me in today to ease my mind. All is well and the baby has in fact moved center, and right behind a HUGE placenta. I am beyond relieved. The doc I saw today kept saying hoe long the baby's legs were too, she said "wow they are so long they won't fit in the screen at the resolution" which I thought was funny.

As for the doppler, because I was already feeling the baby I felt it was not needed, now I may, I just hate the expense when things are so crazy right now. I still have my next appointment on the 6th so i should be good until then.

Thanks so much for all the support.

lots of plans...

I have been doing a lot better. The dexamethasone has actually made a big difference. I do not want to be on it much longer, however, as it is a class c and I want to be done with the extra pills.
I went two days without throwing up which was fantastic. I threw up this morning but I think it was my fault for having waffle and milk.

A LOT had happened in the past week, a shocking lot of life altering things.

For reasons both financial and otherwise it suddenly became clear to us that the move to Canada should be moved forward. With that new and terrifying info roomie retired this past week. We have been scrambling to come to terms with the new plan, both exciting and scary.

I am flying up to New Brunswick with Bliss on the 10th of next month to look at properties. I have been frantically contacting reactors. I have been trying to secure arrangements with the mover we previously choose.

This changes things a lot and our new goal of moving up there in January also means a winter move, not easy.

Packing an entire house while pregnant, really not fun and interestingly enough done before when 7 months pregnant with Bliss.

I have no interest in doing some things we really need to do. I hate organizing and having garage sales, hate hate hate. I have little interest in packing my garage and most of it's contents are my stuff.

I am really hoping to feel well for the trip and rather nervous.

But at the same time I know it is all very exciting and a great thing. It is interesting how it mirrors the pregnancy. I am so thrilled I am pregnant but cannot quite get the joy up for it quite yet as I am not feeling great. So I tell myself often how awesome it all is and plug along.

...

I have been having a rough time.

I am tired of writing about it.

I have spent a good chunk of time feeling sorry for myself.

That irritates me as well.

The Reglan has not helped either except before bed, otherwise I think it has made it worse.

I went back on Dexamethasone today because the vomiting started 48 hours after I stopped it and they said maybe it was keeping me from throwing up all first trimester and now without it I am.

I am not sure but we shall see.

I had a couple hours today of feeling really good.

Now as night came I have felt more and more yucky.

Part of me wants to write and write and write all my boo-hooing down just to try and get it all out but the other part is just tired of it.

I want so desperately to enjoy this pregnancy.

I am sorry if I am not commenting as much as usual.

I am sorry Mel my emails have been late getting back to you.

I am sorry I am whining so much when I have everything I have wanted for so long while so many of you are still painfully trying.

great video... (updated)

UPDATE: The embedding was disabled on YouTube so here is the LINK.

another day...

Talked to OB's office yesterday. They called in an Rx for Zofran sublingual for me.

Apparently Zofran does NOT work for me, AT ALL.

new developments...

So now that I am finally feeling more secure and less afraid guess what happens???

I have started throwing up. 13 weeks and a few days and I am now throwing up, and it is violent. My upper chest muscles are completely pulled and it is yucky. My eyeballs have somehow been strained as well and hurt, I do not even know how but they are sore since my last episode this morning.

I did look back at a pregnancy journal I wrote while pregnant with Bliss and apparently the first time I threw up then was in my 13th week also. I do not remember that at all. But ugh this is not real fun.

And it isn't only when I have food in my tummy. The other night in the shower I dry heaved 20 times before even bringing up bile. Good times!!

And speaking of the shower, I had to go out and track down a shower filter because the smell of the chlorine in the water has been causing some severe gagging. It finally arrived last night but I have not yet had a chance to try it out.

Poor Bliss was so scared the first time he saw me run to the bathroom and heard me throwing up. I came back in our room to find him in the corner looking terrified. I told him I was ok and we talked about it and by now he just tells me how sorry he is I was sick after it happens. So I am glad he is no longer traumatized by it poor lil guy.

Aside from this I am doing well. Still feeling the lil one at times through the day which just makes all the difference in the world.

wahoooooooooooo...

OK so the good news then the bad then the AWESOME.

The good news is the baby is doing great and looks fantastic, like a dancing lil perfect thing.

The bad news is I failed the 1 hour GTTS. I got 152 and needed to be under 135. I now have to do a 3 hour test. UGH!!!

The AWESOME news, if you can believe it, is I am actually feeling the baby move. Today when I went to my appointment I asked that she try the area I was feeling the past 48 hours and she did an abdominal u/s and started there, lower left, and the baby was right there. Then after a few seconds the baby did a body wave and I TOTALLY felt it. She was so excited I could feel it. Then another move I didn't feel but the next body wave I totally felt again, and I have been feeling them the past 48 hours. 13 weeks is WAY earlier than I could have hoped to feel but like with so much about this pregnancy, the early heartburn and nose issues, the many women who took part in making it all possible, and other things, I really feel like the Goddess is giving me these gifts to help me not lose my mind.

So yeah, I am over the moon. The GD stuff is a pain but I am not freaking about it yet.

Thanks again to everyone who has sent me so much support when my mind has been being such a bitch to me.

MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks

my head...

I feel better.
Uh oh, maybe things have stopped, you have m/c'd and don't even know it.
My boobs don't hurt so much.
It is second trimester that could be normal.
I feel less queasy, way less.
Again second trimester and you also stopped Metformin and most the progesterone.
Who are you kidding, you spent yesterday queasy as hell and gagging all day.
Yes but before that you DID feel way way better.
Yeah, speaking of Metformin, stopping that could cause a m/c.
I still have to get up to pee during the night.
Yes, but less and with less urgency.
You were able to eat caramel today when sweets have been awful for you during pregnancy.
Yes but caramel has always been the only sweet you could handle pregnant and it was either with a tart apple or salty popcorn.
You have been able to handle sips of plain water.
Yes sips but still preferring lemon water or plain iced tea with lemon.
Smells have not been as awful.
Are you kidding me, you now think your dog smells like chicken noodle soup and your bed has a weird smell.
I haven't felt "as pregnant" as I was.
Again you stopped or drastically cut down a ton of hormones you were taking.
The baby looked great last time.
Yes but it was 11w3d not technically second trimester so things could have turned to shit.
You have an appointment on Tuesday.
Yes but with an NP who last time I saw her was the first one to see dead baby number two.
You are making a good memory with her.
But what if it turns out to be another bad one.
You have been feeling confident.
Yeah, how dumb can I be, it's like I am asking for it.
You are still having strange dreams.
Well even if the baby dies I still have tons of HCG floating around.
You still have a little bit of blood every time you blow your nose.
Again, you still have lots of hormone in ya no matter what the status.
I want this too much, too too much and that is always asking for it.
You wanted Bliss more than air and look at him now.
Yes, but maybe that was all I should ever ask for, I got my dream, asking for more is asking for it.
Oh Goddess I wish you would shut up.
Yeah, me too.

advice sought...

I am looking for info/support. My RE told me to stop the heparin along with the other stuff at 12 weeks. He said if I wanted I could continue the heparin through the second trimester but it was not needed. He also ran many tests first to ease my mind.

I tested fine for the following tests.

Anticardiolipin Ab IgG Qn
Anticardiolipin Ab IgM Qn
Factor V Leiden Mutation
Protein S-Functional
Hemocyst(e)ine Plasma
Antithrombin Activity
Factor II Activity
Protein C-Functional

I am on High Folic Acid and high B-complex along with baby aspirin as well. I do not plan on stopping those.

So what I am looking for is anyone with experience stopping first trimester who tested negative, or even someone who stopped who didn't. I am only really nervous about stopping the Heparin. I have already stopped the estrogen and metformin and am tapering off the progesterone. I also stop the doxy this weekend.

I have no reason to be nervous about the heparin, and I am finishing what I have which is another 2 weeks worth, but I COULD refill for longer if I wanted.

So please, talk to me.

wtf...

So remember the neighbor who told me she was pregnant and was so excited because she knew how excited I would be since I have been trying so long??

Well as I mentioned I told two neighbors. One being her mother who lives with her, she was out. Her mother is a sweet woman I really like. But. Her first comment after I told her?? She asked me if I was on a diet????? It is still bothering me. And did said pregnant neighbor or her husband say congrats anytime since I told her mother?

No.

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

Trying to end on a positive note I will say the other neighbor did me a favor and did my weed eating for me because of me being pregnant.

12 weeks...

10 weeks ago today I had my retrieval that led to this pregnancy.

Today I am officially (developmentally) in the second trimester.

I spent this morning having a 1 hour GTTS. I had the tropical punch which was not bad, like too sweet Koolaid.

I took my last Metformin last night. I get to stop the estrogen patches also.

I will take PIO a couple weeks more but do not have to.

I am allowed to stop the Heparin but am still afraid to (will post more about this soon).

I have actually bought maternity clothes (ONLY because I literally had only one skirt that fit, nothing else AT ALL).

My next appointment is the 14th.

I have very strange dreams while pregnant.

I have actually told some"chosen family" friends and my neighbors. ACK!

I put a ticker on my iGoogle page and even that seems too much.

I am so very grateful to be here.

need to bitch...

It has been over three and a half months since it has rained here. There may have been a night it sprinkled across town but seriously, three and a half months. Have I mentioned how much I love rain. It is the closest I get to having actual weather and it makes me feel renewed and lovely. I love walking in it, I love driving in it, I love listening to it.

I need rain.

So imagine my excitement when it said we were expecting a day and a half of rain that was to start last night.

Oh yes, we got something, but do not dare call it rain. It spit, and it seemed every time I ran outside to feel said spit it stopped. Overnight, long after I was asleep it may have even gotten up to a sprinkle because this morning the ground looked wet, not fully soaked but wet.

It was supposed to rain all day today. HA! It has not so much as dropped a drop.

I am pissed and feel cheated. And of course tomorrow it is expected to be sunny and in the upper 80's again.

UGH

I need to work on a rain dance or something because I am sorely in need of actual weather. I cannot wait to move, I am so over this never ending heat and dryness.

OK thanks for listening, bitch over.

for all the amazing women who made this possible....

I wanted to take a moment to again say THANK YOU to all the amazing women who helped me make this possible. All of your contributions meant the world of difference and brought me to where I am today.

Last night I had the awesome honor of passing it forward and passing on all the extra meds I still have to another amazing women from our midst. It felt to good to hand over the rest of those magical meds and pass on some of the magic I had the privilege of experiencing myself.

So thank you, so very much, for allowing me the gift of receiving and the gift of giving.

11w3d...

So I called to schedule my OBGYN appointment. I have an amazing OBGYN doc as well. Sadly one of our last visits was when we discovered my m/c about 2.5 years ago. It was also after we had seen a heartbeat and Bliss was in the room and saw it all and it was pretty awful.

So she is scheduled to go on vacation next week for the rest of the month and I sort of needed to see her before she gets back so they scheduled me for today. Well they told me she was full up and I politely asked that they say who it was and that I was 1 weeks pregnant and she fit me in. Again because she is awesome.

So I was a little nervous, but only because of memories, not truly for any other reason. She said "let's make a good memory" and I concurred. She did the u/s and I waited without looking and I thought I saw her smile a little but she was heavily concentrating. I asked if she saw a heartbeat and she was like "oh yes it looks good I am just having trouble getting the right view" and we know my uterus has been wonky this pregnancy. So anyhow she says all is good and turns the screen as she gets a good view and starts to take measurements. The u/s machine, while a normal office one, not a level II or anything, was a brand new one they just got and it was SUCH a clearer view from the clinic. And then I see the baby and the difference of just three days blew my mind!!!!!

The baby was dancing, non stop moving, kicking it's hands and legs, pulling it's hand to it's face. It was soooo amazing. It measured, easily, 11w5d which rocks in my book and it was the most wiggly thing. I had Bliss come over to see and he said "yeah I see, now can you fix this game on your phone mama?" Oh well!!!

So we talked and I have decided no first trimester screening, I would never have an amnio or a CVS so it is something she thinks is just not worth it. She does want me to have a 20 week anatomy scan and I said ok so long as the tech can be instructed to purposefully avoid detecting gender, she said who she works with can and has done that. She is also having me do an early Glucose Tolerance test since my weight is so high. That's fine. I am also to take daily bp measurements and keep a log, my bp was a bit elevated today but she said it was also likely due to nerves from being there again.

So all in all a very good visit and an unexpected surprise this early on.

Here is another pic of the lil one.

11w0d...

I AM PREGNANT!!!

I am sure this sounds strange to hear at 11 weeks but it is how I feel.



I had the ultrasound today and all was well.


The baby was moving even with arms and legs.


I graduated from my clinic as well and everyone gathered around with lots and lots of hugs and a gift bag with 2 adorable onesies and 2 sets of infant hand covers, a teething necklace, a wrist rattle, a baby bottle (Bliss was given that to his delight) and a pretty baby development chart to fill in throughout the pregnancy. They were all so wonderful.


I feel like maybe I can start breathing now. Next week is the end of the first trimester and I also get to stop most the drugs I am on which I am hoping will help make me feel lots better.


Thanks so much for all the support from each and every one of you. Having people who "get it" makes such a huge difference.

ranting...

I have been having a hard time this week.
It is not the worry so much.
I have been feeling like crap pretty much all week.
I have not thrown up, even once so far.
I just feel queasy and sick.
The best way to describe it is as if I am carsick, all the time.
Not enough to throw up, just enough to feel really gross and not be able to function very well.
I even get that ball in my throat like I am about to but it never happens.
I sat crying the other night trying to decide if I should make myself throw up or not.
I have always hated throwing up, but the worst part for me is always the part before, where you feel it coming and fight it and are not sure it will happen.
I feel like I am permanently in that space.
I eat the wrong thing and it is multiplied by 100.
I eat the right thing but 2 bites too much and the same thing.
Then one night it is not so bad, but the heartburn comes in it's place.
And the sad thing is when I wake up, first thing in the morning, I usually have a short time of feeling great.
And I worry every time when I feel good.
Such a fucking catch-22 and so irritating.

But here is the thing.

I worked so hard, and so long to get here.
I have been wishing, praying, begging, meditation, hoping to be here for years and years and year.
Finally I am here and I just feel crappy and miserable.
And I don't want to.
And then I think about the possibility of something going wrong and having to work for who knows how long to get pregnant again, to feel like shit again.
It has seriously messed with my head.

Just another thing that makes me feel cheated.

I am honestly ok for the most part.
I just need to vent this out because I have felt like censoring myself about this.
That whole don't bitch thing.
And that is just not me, and when I hold ANYTHING in it is never a good thing.

So that's my rant.

autumn...

Tomorrow is the last day of summer and the first day of fall. The Autumnal Equinox happens here in California at about 3:22 tomorrow afternoon. I am very excited about this as I have been ready for fall since about June. This was our last summer in California and it was not too too hot but I have just really been ready for cooler weather.

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. I love making fall foods and I love anything harvest oriented. My favorite colors are fall colors, and I am so looking forward to some rain, any rain. I cannot even remember the last time we had any rain.

Tomorrow is also 10 weeks. I do not have any u/s scheduled until next week so I am trying to just keep breathing and staying positive and calm and get through. Tomorrow also marks another 2ww. I started one last week for the next u/s which is now a week away but tomorrow is the start of the 2ww until the end of the first trimester. I am focusing on getting to the u/s first though as that is all I really can deal with.

I am feeling appropriately crappy and good. I am going to post a picture of my best friend now, thanks to Mrs. Spock.



Lemons have saved my life. It is so sad too because at present in my local grocery store they are 89 cents a piece. But worth every penny. I am once again able to chug water so long as it has lemon in it. It has made me feel MUCH better for sure.

I am still having severe bloating problems starting in the afternoon. I am trying to really limit bread right now. I starting making bread this past two weeks for the first time ever, thanks again to inspiration from Mrs. Spock and Melissa, and quickly found it was adding immensely to the bloating so that is on hold until I can get off this damn Metformin.

I am in good spirits though and am taking Bliss to Bouncetown tomorrow, followed by a trip to the store to get Rice Krispy Treats ingredients as he asked if we could make them and I am more than happy to. I doubt I will have any but I am just loving cooking with him. I also made beef stew this past week. I just could not wait for cool weather and autumn to be here. It was sooo yummy. I am so ready to have rain and make the years first batch of Butternut Squash soup too.

So I am ok, just chugging along and trying not to think too much and trying to make it to a place where I feel some real hope and joy. I do think I am edging closer.